YouAndTequila

I can't even call it a relapse. I just chose to drink, simple as that.

I'm still mad at myself because I thought I was doing good, and I was feeling really good too, confident that I was going to do it this time.
All day Saturday the thoughts in my head were like a broken record. My own voice was saying "Just Don't!" over & over & over..... I'm totally white-knuckling it here and I know from experience and from reading this board that willpower only gets you so far if you're an addict.

It feels hopeless, I've been trying to quit for 4 1/2 years, and I've been drinking for 5. That's right, I went for help after only 6 months. My doctor back then was blown away (that I even had that problem, I never drank before...) and reassured me that we could nip it in the bud ASAP. Well, that never happened, and I let it progress. I lied to her, and kept drinking.
Eventually, because of responsibilities that had to be met, my every day, all day, drinking was down to a couple times a week, but each time, in excess, of course.
So, here I am, I'm losing hope, maybe I don't want it bad enough. I keep thinking I do but when the urge gets strong, I just give in to it.

I just needed to share, not sure what I'm looking for at this point. I know I need outside help but feel unable to get it right now. Maybe nothing can change until I do, nothing changes if nothing changes, right? It totally s*cks. Thank-you all for reading though. I spend SO much time on this forum, hours a day, I keep thinking I can do this, yet I keep failing... Day 2 for me.

eJoshua

How much sober time did you get before you relapsed? There were times when I tried to quit and felt much like you describe how you felt, obsessing about alcohol all day and KNOWING in my head that I would get drunk that night. Something is different this time around, I just feel at peace with my decision to not drink. Part of that has been because of reconstructing my life to make it difficult to drink and easy to stay sober. You have to set yourself up for success.

I think you're right about needing support. It takes real commitment to change, and the only way to stay committed to something like this is to find support from others, if you ask me.

The important thing is, you're back here. That means that you haven't failed. Everyone who tries to walk will fall occasionally, but the only ones who fail are those who do not try again.

Best wishes.

Zebra1275

I can relate to your feelings. It's possible that you do want sobriety bad enough, you are just not sure how to get there. Instead of spending hours on SR, why don't you spend an hour in an AA meeting? If you have a desire to stop drinking you qualify to be a member.

least

I got sober for good in December 09. I joined this forum in March 08. It took me a while to finally 'get it' and be able to stay sober. I credit my friends here and my addiction counselor for helping me get and stay sober. There are many forms of support out there, and many people here at SR are staying sober just from the support here.

I hope you can do something different to keep you sober this time. I'm coming up on two years sober this winter and I only wish I'd quit sooner...

eJoshua

It may also be worth mentioning that the first time I felt like I really was going to quit was about 3 weeks into rehab, when I had been sober for about 26-27 days already. Prior to that I wasn't sure that I was really going to stay sober. It was only until I had a little bit of sobriety under my belt that I was able to really reason it out and decide that a life without drinking was actually much more pleasing.

Kind of goofy, I couldn't decide to stay sober until I had been sober for a bit.

JoeCree

I think by in large people are very scared to make "lifelong" commitments and/or finite decisions. Perhaps the human body was not made up to do so.

Think about things backwards; when you had your first drink, did you say that you are guaranteeing to do this forever? probably not. Because nobody likes to commit like that. Well the same can be done IMO with quitting, just in reverse. Like a snowball effect it takes time to become addicted to "not drinking". After a while, it becomes seemingly inconsequential.

I tried to make goals for myself - and every goal was met with a decision. First try to quit for 1 week - at the 1 week mark i tried to go for 1 month, always evaluating the good vs. bad. (good always wins out).
after a month - I said 1 year. My 1 year is coming up, and I have already decided that I will make my new goal when my mortgage is paid off, maybe 4-5 years. This is just another way of looking at it. Don;t kick yourself for failure - just up the anti to try harder, and change whatever you did (mentally or physically) so that it doesn;t happen again.

Freedom1990

I couldn't do it alone. AA was the answer for me. I celebrated 21 years this past August, so it's working for me.