I'm the wife of an adult child of an alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
I'm the wife of an adult child of an alcoholic
Hi, I don't really know how to start.
I've been married for 9 years to the same man. He's a great guy, doesn't drink, tries hard, but things don't go so well sometimes.
He constantly says that I could do things better, if I don't get something done then he says that I'm doing it to manipulate him, he says that I'm irresponsible, unreliable, unsupportive, cruel, and manipulative.
I'm not perfect but the truth is that I don't try to hurt him or bother him. I can't seem to ever do things well enough though. He'll talk down to me like I'm one of our children and it can be demeaning.
He says that the only issues in our marriage are the ones that I brought into it. I was raised in a really great home. Two parents, no fighting or dish-throwing, and things were discussed. My husband had an alcoholic father (1 year sober, I think), and an enabling mother who is also the child of an alcoholic father.
When my husband really gets going on me and how horrible I am, I just sit there. I used to believe everything bad he said about me but recently God's given me new-found strength.
I don't believe his lies anymore because I believe that a marriage takes two. Two to make it good and two to make it collapse.
I just don't know how to help him. He thinks very little of me and he doesn't argue that fact. He winds up believing that when I leave a load of laundry in the wash that I'm doing it to make him angry. Or if I don't wash the table then I'm doing it to spite him.
Not sure where to go from here. He says I treat him worse than anything he ever experienced while growing up.
He says that I'm to blame for anything wrong with our marriage.
I honestly don't know when things will change and I really don't know how to help. I support him and try to make things better but he has told me many times that I need to apply myself and do better.
I've been married for 9 years to the same man. He's a great guy, doesn't drink, tries hard, but things don't go so well sometimes.
He constantly says that I could do things better, if I don't get something done then he says that I'm doing it to manipulate him, he says that I'm irresponsible, unreliable, unsupportive, cruel, and manipulative.
I'm not perfect but the truth is that I don't try to hurt him or bother him. I can't seem to ever do things well enough though. He'll talk down to me like I'm one of our children and it can be demeaning.
He says that the only issues in our marriage are the ones that I brought into it. I was raised in a really great home. Two parents, no fighting or dish-throwing, and things were discussed. My husband had an alcoholic father (1 year sober, I think), and an enabling mother who is also the child of an alcoholic father.
When my husband really gets going on me and how horrible I am, I just sit there. I used to believe everything bad he said about me but recently God's given me new-found strength.
I don't believe his lies anymore because I believe that a marriage takes two. Two to make it good and two to make it collapse.
I just don't know how to help him. He thinks very little of me and he doesn't argue that fact. He winds up believing that when I leave a load of laundry in the wash that I'm doing it to make him angry. Or if I don't wash the table then I'm doing it to spite him.
Not sure where to go from here. He says I treat him worse than anything he ever experienced while growing up.
He says that I'm to blame for anything wrong with our marriage.
I honestly don't know when things will change and I really don't know how to help. I support him and try to make things better but he has told me many times that I need to apply myself and do better.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
"He's a great guy."
Um, no. A great guy wouldn't treat anyone like this, especially not his wife.
Pretend someone else you love wrote this letter and reread it. What would you say to the writer?
What are you getting out of this marriage?
Um, no. A great guy wouldn't treat anyone like this, especially not his wife.
Pretend someone else you love wrote this letter and reread it. What would you say to the writer?
What are you getting out of this marriage?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I am so sorry for the situation you are in, please demand he attend counseling with you or pack up ypur stuff and the kids and leave him.
He has destroyed your self-esteem, you deserve so much more than to be a depressed angry mans verbal punching bag.
Most likely he is angry at his parents but cannot take it out on them but he can take it out on you because you tolerate it.
Please think of how this will affect your children when they get older, do you have a daughter, do you want to see her treated this way, do you have a son, do you want him to think this is how a man treats his wife or girlfriend.
I am sorry to be so blunt with you but you need a wakeup call.
You do deserve better, you deserve to be with a man who treats you like an angel, you gave him beautiful children, that makes you very special.
Best of luck to you, please come back and let us know how you are doing.
He has destroyed your self-esteem, you deserve so much more than to be a depressed angry mans verbal punching bag.
Most likely he is angry at his parents but cannot take it out on them but he can take it out on you because you tolerate it.
Please think of how this will affect your children when they get older, do you have a daughter, do you want to see her treated this way, do you have a son, do you want him to think this is how a man treats his wife or girlfriend.
I am sorry to be so blunt with you but you need a wakeup call.
You do deserve better, you deserve to be with a man who treats you like an angel, you gave him beautiful children, that makes you very special.
Best of luck to you, please come back and let us know how you are doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Wow, I really appreciate everyone's willingness to be so straight forward. Yes, we have children. 4 of them.
When we were early on in our marriage it was me who was not understanding or really kind with my words (of course I didn't quite do things the way that he does) and now the tables have turned.
I feel like it's bad but not so bad that I should leave. Sometimes he can be very nice.
He's agreed to go to marriage counseling with me next month (earliest we could get in to the place he wanted to go to).
I think that my biggest problem with him is that he doesn't believe he has any issues. How will someone change if they think they have nothing to change?
When we were early on in our marriage it was me who was not understanding or really kind with my words (of course I didn't quite do things the way that he does) and now the tables have turned.
I feel like it's bad but not so bad that I should leave. Sometimes he can be very nice.
He's agreed to go to marriage counseling with me next month (earliest we could get in to the place he wanted to go to).
I think that my biggest problem with him is that he doesn't believe he has any issues. How will someone change if they think they have nothing to change?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
It's hard when someone points out flaws in a person that you love, so I understand your desire to defend him. However, you are taking a large part of the responsibility in this. Every relationship goes through peaks and valleys, but I want to repeat the following statements you made and ask you to really think about these things:
He constantly says that I could do things better, if I don't get something done then he says that I'm doing it to manipulate him, he says that I'm irresponsible, unreliable, unsupportive, cruel, and manipulative
This is HIM being manipulative.
I'm not perfect but the truth is that I don't try to hurt him or bother him. I can't seem to ever do things well enough though. He'll talk down to me like I'm one of our children and it can be demeaning.
Are you happy living like this? Do you want him to treat your children the same way?
He says that the only issues in our marriage are the ones that I brought into it.
He says that I'm to blame for anything wrong with our marriage.
Is this why he is willing to go to marriage counseling and not counseling for his own problems? Seems like he's shifting the responsibility back on to you, why can't he work on himself and then the marriage?
When my husband really gets going on me and how horrible I am, I just sit there.
You don't think it's "so bad that you should leave", yet you say he gets going on you about how horrible you are and all you are doing is just sitting there. This is okay?
He thinks very little of me and he doesn't argue that fact.
He actually tells you he thinks very little of you, yet you want to be with him?
....when I leave a load of laundry in the wash that I'm doing it to make him angry.
Does this seem rational to you? There is something very wrong with this. When I leave a load of laundry in the wash and my husband finds it, I say "Oh sh*t, sorry about that. I completely forgot it was in there." and he replies something along these lines "Don't worry about it, I'll put it in the dryer." (or rewash depending on how long it was in there)
As for him sometimes being very nice...that's what they do. Surely, if they were never nice it would be very easy to walk away. They keep you roped in by treating you like crap and then reeling you back in when they've pushed it too far. Just when you think you have had enough, you are left to sit there thinking..."Oh, see! Look how nice he can be. He brought me flowers. He said I looked pretty today. He must really love me after all." Blah, blah, blah and the cycle continues.
If all of those things I highlighted above (in your own words) are not enough for you to leave, what will it take?
It may be greatly beneficial for you to seek therapy on your own, outside of the marriage counseling. As an outside person looking in -- the things you posted in your first post indicate your husband has some real problems and you are carrying the burden of them all when they aren't yours!
P.S.
I've been in your shoes. I want you to know that so you don't think I am judging you. I wish someone would have said these things to me.
He constantly says that I could do things better, if I don't get something done then he says that I'm doing it to manipulate him, he says that I'm irresponsible, unreliable, unsupportive, cruel, and manipulative
This is HIM being manipulative.
I'm not perfect but the truth is that I don't try to hurt him or bother him. I can't seem to ever do things well enough though. He'll talk down to me like I'm one of our children and it can be demeaning.
Are you happy living like this? Do you want him to treat your children the same way?
He says that the only issues in our marriage are the ones that I brought into it.
He says that I'm to blame for anything wrong with our marriage.
Is this why he is willing to go to marriage counseling and not counseling for his own problems? Seems like he's shifting the responsibility back on to you, why can't he work on himself and then the marriage?
When my husband really gets going on me and how horrible I am, I just sit there.
You don't think it's "so bad that you should leave", yet you say he gets going on you about how horrible you are and all you are doing is just sitting there. This is okay?
He thinks very little of me and he doesn't argue that fact.
He actually tells you he thinks very little of you, yet you want to be with him?
....when I leave a load of laundry in the wash that I'm doing it to make him angry.
Does this seem rational to you? There is something very wrong with this. When I leave a load of laundry in the wash and my husband finds it, I say "Oh sh*t, sorry about that. I completely forgot it was in there." and he replies something along these lines "Don't worry about it, I'll put it in the dryer." (or rewash depending on how long it was in there)
As for him sometimes being very nice...that's what they do. Surely, if they were never nice it would be very easy to walk away. They keep you roped in by treating you like crap and then reeling you back in when they've pushed it too far. Just when you think you have had enough, you are left to sit there thinking..."Oh, see! Look how nice he can be. He brought me flowers. He said I looked pretty today. He must really love me after all." Blah, blah, blah and the cycle continues.
If all of those things I highlighted above (in your own words) are not enough for you to leave, what will it take?
It may be greatly beneficial for you to seek therapy on your own, outside of the marriage counseling. As an outside person looking in -- the things you posted in your first post indicate your husband has some real problems and you are carrying the burden of them all when they aren't yours!
P.S.
I've been in your shoes. I want you to know that so you don't think I am judging you. I wish someone would have said these things to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
thanks
I know that these things are wrong but I was verbally abusive early on in our marriage. I just feel like I deserve to tough things out because he did before. I am very thankful for your words, more than you could ever, ever, ever know.
I'm just not sure of what to do.
I mean, if I'm not being beaten and he's only like this sometimes and he's planning to go to marriage counselling (appt.'s not until November 2nd) then I just think, "Give him a chance."
I sometimes wish that he'd just hit me so that I'd be able to justify leaving.
Don't worry, I don't feel judged or anything. I just don't know when things will change and I'm hoping that I can salvage this marriage. I'm waiting and I really want my children to have two parents in the home.
He used to be a little harder on them but for the last 3 or 4 weeks he's really eased up. He's not as short-tempered/impatient anymore.
I do stand up to him (with calm speaking) when I disagree with him though. So, that's good.
I guess I'm just kind of waiting to see what happens with this new counselor. I'm hoping that things will only get better and that some how he'll see how his desire to direct me is unhealthy.
We can discuss round and round and round... and an hour, two hours rolls by and I don't think we've gotten anywhere.
5 years ago I hit him. I told him to leave me alone, left the house, got in the van. He got into the van and kept talking to me and I remember screaming at the top of lungs for him to leave me alone. He kept talking (trying to solve whatever the problem was) and so, to my forever burning shame, I crawled to the passenger seat (where he was) from the back seat and I hit him.
I am no better than he is and even after all that (I don't hit him now though or anything) he stayed. I just feel like I really need to try if he did so long ago.
I don't know.
I'm just not sure of what to do.
I mean, if I'm not being beaten and he's only like this sometimes and he's planning to go to marriage counselling (appt.'s not until November 2nd) then I just think, "Give him a chance."
I sometimes wish that he'd just hit me so that I'd be able to justify leaving.
Don't worry, I don't feel judged or anything. I just don't know when things will change and I'm hoping that I can salvage this marriage. I'm waiting and I really want my children to have two parents in the home.
He used to be a little harder on them but for the last 3 or 4 weeks he's really eased up. He's not as short-tempered/impatient anymore.
I do stand up to him (with calm speaking) when I disagree with him though. So, that's good.
I guess I'm just kind of waiting to see what happens with this new counselor. I'm hoping that things will only get better and that some how he'll see how his desire to direct me is unhealthy.
We can discuss round and round and round... and an hour, two hours rolls by and I don't think we've gotten anywhere.
5 years ago I hit him. I told him to leave me alone, left the house, got in the van. He got into the van and kept talking to me and I remember screaming at the top of lungs for him to leave me alone. He kept talking (trying to solve whatever the problem was) and so, to my forever burning shame, I crawled to the passenger seat (where he was) from the back seat and I hit him.
I am no better than he is and even after all that (I don't hit him now though or anything) he stayed. I just feel like I really need to try if he did so long ago.
I don't know.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Just want to ask you this. Early in the marriage when you lost your cool and you say you were verbally abusive to him....any chance you may have just been a lot stronger back then and you were reacting to the way he was mistreating you? I started out that way. After a while though you get broken down, and you just don't have the energy for it anymore and then they start just rolling over you because you just don't have it in you to fight back any longer.
When someone is screaming at the top of their lungs to be left alone...there is probably a lot that happened to lead up to that point. Most people would walk away and leave the person alone BEFORE it even got there, but definitely at that point. Why does he feel the need to keep coming at you when you are obviously about to snap and already hiding in a van pleading to be left alone? Never an excuse to get physical, but damn...why can't he just walk away? Why couldn't he just leave you be? HE wanted to solve it right THEN. HE wanted it his way! Do you not see that? How about in your post above you said that you have to wait until November because that's the only time the counselor HE wants to see is available. Why is it always HIS way?
Regardless, what you did 5, 6, 7-9 years ago, does not excuse his bad behavior now. You seem to think it does. It doesn't.
When someone is screaming at the top of their lungs to be left alone...there is probably a lot that happened to lead up to that point. Most people would walk away and leave the person alone BEFORE it even got there, but definitely at that point. Why does he feel the need to keep coming at you when you are obviously about to snap and already hiding in a van pleading to be left alone? Never an excuse to get physical, but damn...why can't he just walk away? Why couldn't he just leave you be? HE wanted to solve it right THEN. HE wanted it his way! Do you not see that? How about in your post above you said that you have to wait until November because that's the only time the counselor HE wants to see is available. Why is it always HIS way?
Regardless, what you did 5, 6, 7-9 years ago, does not excuse his bad behavior now. You seem to think it does. It doesn't.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
thankful for you
I am BEYOND THANKFUL for you. You have been very straight forward and understanding. I have a very supportive family but none of them have been here before so it's new to all of us. Thank you so much for the wisdom and insight that you bring.
You're right. I was completely wrong to hit him. But I'm not the only one in this marriage.
I can't believe how much you hit things on the nose at times.
I was stronger back then but he called it disrespectful. I really don't think that I was trying to be, I honestly don't.
I'm getting stronger again though. And it's true no matter the past it still does not excuse the now.
I'm waiting for that appointment. I'm going to wait and see how this marriage counseling goes, I am.
But I understand now that if he's not willing to change or even believe there's a problem in our marriage and that he's involved. I cannot stay.
I'm hoping that he'll see his contribution to a bad marriage.
I'm not going to be afraid to leave anymore because I'm going to give it everything. And I'm going to exercise my own right for him to want to change his behaviour.
Counseling it is, with him and alone for me too (I'm already doing that).
I'll be back I know because when I feel strong then I get beaten down (verbally) again but I'm doing my best to remember who God says I am. I am loved as I am, I am God's child, I'm important to Him.
I hear lies and I believe them (eventually) but I'm going to trust that this is wrong no matter what it's called by him.
I'm not quitting just yet. I'm going to give it everything and pursue that he's got to change with me.
And if by a couple of marriage counselling meetings I am still to blame and he will not accept blame for anything then I must leave.
I don't deserve this. I thought I did because of the past but I don't. I really don't.
THANK YOU so much for caring about me in this situation. I just... thank you, thank you for being straight forward, thank you for speaking truth.
I know that I'll be beaten down again and I'll feel low again. Yesterday and part of today was like that again even though I've been really strong for the last 3 weeks.
But hopefully there will always be people like you to remind me that this is wrong, no matter what.
You're right. I was completely wrong to hit him. But I'm not the only one in this marriage.
I can't believe how much you hit things on the nose at times.
I was stronger back then but he called it disrespectful. I really don't think that I was trying to be, I honestly don't.
I'm getting stronger again though. And it's true no matter the past it still does not excuse the now.
I'm waiting for that appointment. I'm going to wait and see how this marriage counseling goes, I am.
But I understand now that if he's not willing to change or even believe there's a problem in our marriage and that he's involved. I cannot stay.
I'm hoping that he'll see his contribution to a bad marriage.
I'm not going to be afraid to leave anymore because I'm going to give it everything. And I'm going to exercise my own right for him to want to change his behaviour.
Counseling it is, with him and alone for me too (I'm already doing that).
I'll be back I know because when I feel strong then I get beaten down (verbally) again but I'm doing my best to remember who God says I am. I am loved as I am, I am God's child, I'm important to Him.
I hear lies and I believe them (eventually) but I'm going to trust that this is wrong no matter what it's called by him.
I'm not quitting just yet. I'm going to give it everything and pursue that he's got to change with me.
And if by a couple of marriage counselling meetings I am still to blame and he will not accept blame for anything then I must leave.
I don't deserve this. I thought I did because of the past but I don't. I really don't.
THANK YOU so much for caring about me in this situation. I just... thank you, thank you for being straight forward, thank you for speaking truth.
I know that I'll be beaten down again and I'll feel low again. Yesterday and part of today was like that again even though I've been really strong for the last 3 weeks.
But hopefully there will always be people like you to remind me that this is wrong, no matter what.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Once you have been through an abusive relationship and you get out, you see the signs from a million miles away. The vision of you in the van screaming to be left alone really struck me. I have been there. I may not have been in a van, but I assure at some point I was curled up in that back seat with you.
You are not a bad person. You are not wrong. You have every right to a happy life where no one is mentally beating you down, god forbid you forget to take the clothes out of the dryer. You have to wonder what kind of serious issues someone has if the smallest thing like that sets them off enough to insult and degrade their wife of 9 years and mother of 4 children...or in my case...mother of his only child. There is a real issue with "control" here. You are not a puppet, you do the laundry when you are good and ready... I keep referencing the laundry, but this goes for everything.
If ever you are having a bad day, come back and read again - come back and post again. I understand your desire to give counseling a try. In my experience all the counseling in the world would not have fixed things, because the issue wasn't in the marriage so to speak, it was him. He didn't want to see that. There was nothing I could do but get out. Best choice I ever made. I'm married to a wonderful man and living a very happy life (despite my nutso mother, which is why I'm here, lol). You and your children deserve a peaceful, happy life. If the counseling doesn't work out...please don't sell yourself short. You DO deserve more. Oh, and don't let him tell you no one else will want you, you have 4 kids, blah, blah, blah. Not true. Though, I think he'll try to tell you it is.
Please don't thank me...but do pay it forward. Someday I'm sure you will encounter someone in a similar situation. Don't be afraid to say something. What's the worst that happens? They get upset with you? At least you tried...and I'm willing to bet down the line they will understand what you were trying to do for them.
Hang in there. It gets better. At a certain point you wake up and say "ENOUGH! Today is the day, I have had enough!".
You are not a bad person. You are not wrong. You have every right to a happy life where no one is mentally beating you down, god forbid you forget to take the clothes out of the dryer. You have to wonder what kind of serious issues someone has if the smallest thing like that sets them off enough to insult and degrade their wife of 9 years and mother of 4 children...or in my case...mother of his only child. There is a real issue with "control" here. You are not a puppet, you do the laundry when you are good and ready... I keep referencing the laundry, but this goes for everything.
If ever you are having a bad day, come back and read again - come back and post again. I understand your desire to give counseling a try. In my experience all the counseling in the world would not have fixed things, because the issue wasn't in the marriage so to speak, it was him. He didn't want to see that. There was nothing I could do but get out. Best choice I ever made. I'm married to a wonderful man and living a very happy life (despite my nutso mother, which is why I'm here, lol). You and your children deserve a peaceful, happy life. If the counseling doesn't work out...please don't sell yourself short. You DO deserve more. Oh, and don't let him tell you no one else will want you, you have 4 kids, blah, blah, blah. Not true. Though, I think he'll try to tell you it is.
Please don't thank me...but do pay it forward. Someday I'm sure you will encounter someone in a similar situation. Don't be afraid to say something. What's the worst that happens? They get upset with you? At least you tried...and I'm willing to bet down the line they will understand what you were trying to do for them.
Hang in there. It gets better. At a certain point you wake up and say "ENOUGH! Today is the day, I have had enough!".
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 144
when I was in the process of divorcing my first husband my mother said something that really struck me. We were talking about why I was leaving and she said "but I don't understand...he doesn't drink, he hasn't hit you, he hasn't cheated on you...." the second the words came out of her mouth she stopped, her jaw dropped and she said "good lord. is that all it takes to be called a good man?!
I agree with you that it takes two to make a good (or bad) marriage. And I respect you for owning up to your contributions. On the other hand, all you can do it move forward from this point. You may not have been the perfect wife, but who is? Marriage counseling can work, as long as you both come to it with open minds. Be honest and try to really listen to what you are both really saying, not just the words but the meaning behind them. No decent counselor will allow you to take all the blame even if your husband keeps insisting that you are the problem.
At the very least, perhaps counseling will help your husband open up about his family.
best of luck to you!
I agree with you that it takes two to make a good (or bad) marriage. And I respect you for owning up to your contributions. On the other hand, all you can do it move forward from this point. You may not have been the perfect wife, but who is? Marriage counseling can work, as long as you both come to it with open minds. Be honest and try to really listen to what you are both really saying, not just the words but the meaning behind them. No decent counselor will allow you to take all the blame even if your husband keeps insisting that you are the problem.
At the very least, perhaps counseling will help your husband open up about his family.
best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Great Post..........I have the reverse roll........Wife used to bully me.She can still try it but I see the trigger coming my way most of the Time now.
I love my Wife.........but I did not love her attitude towards me.I told her several times that she was a bully.........and to take her frustrations out on those that deserved it,..ie those that annoyed her in the first place.
I'm working on things that I can ask her to do for me.
I could never say that word no.....But Im learning how and when to say it.
I have used the ACA program as well as counciling to develope self Confidence.
Like yourself...I did not want to let our marriage go.....we have 3 Kids.now growen up.
We are the best of Friends most of the time now.
She also got a 12 Step program that she attends.
Good Luck to ye.
I love my Wife.........but I did not love her attitude towards me.I told her several times that she was a bully.........and to take her frustrations out on those that deserved it,..ie those that annoyed her in the first place.
I'm working on things that I can ask her to do for me.
I could never say that word no.....But Im learning how and when to say it.
I have used the ACA program as well as counciling to develope self Confidence.
Like yourself...I did not want to let our marriage go.....we have 3 Kids.now growen up.
We are the best of Friends most of the time now.
She also got a 12 Step program that she attends.
Good Luck to ye.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
micealc, I am glad you spoke up. As you have stated the roles can also be reversed. I hope that things continue to get better with your wife. Stay strong and stay with it. Old habits die hard, so please hold your wife to her promises and her program! Best wishes to you both.
I thought this might be helpful to post. If anything maybe it will help someone that stumbles across this post in a search, but isn't ready to talk yet.
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
I thought this might be helpful to post. If anything maybe it will help someone that stumbles across this post in a search, but isn't ready to talk yet.
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Open eyes... that I want to close
After following the link listed above yesterday, my head was reeling. I've never felt so hit with something before, not like that.
I understand that what my husband is doing to me is emotional abuse now. My Mom had eluded to some of his behaviour as being abusive but it still doesn't mean anything until you realize it for yourself.
I can't believe, even now, how many of those things in the list were things I experience.
After the initial shock I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.
To know that I'm not alone makes me feel so much better. Knowing that I can come here and post my thoughts is so incredibly helpful.
I didn't even know what emotional abuse was, I didn't even know that such a thing even existed.
When I came to the realization that I had been verbally abusive in years past and then (in one of our disputes two days ago) I apologized to my husband. He said that he didn't know what to do with what I was saying because he's never heard me talk like that.
That's where things get weird sometimes. I say things to him (I have indeed apologized before but this time I just went on and on apologizing) and he doesn't always remember them.
---
He talked to a social worker about me (almost 2 months ago) and the person said I need to see a psychiatrist and be put on medication. I don't think that that's true but to appease him I went.
Actually, it got weird from that day on.
An argument came from it because I went to see the counsellor J (I hadn't seen in 4 months) and after being with her for 10 minutes (small talk: how are the kids? how many do you have again? how's life? how are your classes?)
it changed to -- you need to see a psychiatrist and seriously consider medication.
I was floored! If I hadn't seen her for 4 months and when I saw her last she was really positive about me. What had changed? And why was I now hearing the exact same thing my husband had said to me only days before? I was beyond confused.
I started to think and realize that the only thing that had happened was my husband was seeing this same counsellor J. He had seen her one month before me and about 2 weeks before me.
I asked him what he had said to counsellor J (later that afternoon) and he mentioned what the social worker had said - psych and meds.
I started the argument though. I said, "maybe we should just be separated." I didn't mean it, it was an empty threat. Something I would do more commonly in the past but had recently not been doing - until that moment
Well, he left work, made some phone calls and headed home. I was just expecting things to be like they had been where we'd talk when I made an empty threat. I KNOW that I was completely wrong to do that but things got worse still.
When he got home, our children were downstairs so they didn't have any clue about how I was feeling upstairs. He walked into the house and took them down the street (we live 2 blocks from his parents; a recovering alcoholic and enabling wife) then when he got home I asked if I could stay.
I didn't want to go but I felt like I was being forced to carry out my empty threat by his actions. Does that make sense?
So, I asked if I could stay.
He said it would be better if I left. He asked if he wanted me to stay while he packed or if he should go. I said that he could do whatever he liked. So, he stood there watching me in silence as I stuffed my computer and books into a backpack and left.
I had an assignment due for an online class and I knew that I still needed to get it done.
I had already been talking with my parents so they met me halfway from my house (in manitoba), I called our pastor to let him know about things (we're close), and I called my oldest sister.
After being with my parents for two nights I felt like I found myself again. Like I've mentioned before I came from an incredibly stable home (i realize now as an adult), NO screaming, yelling, throwing of things, passive aggressiveness. A home full of talking about things, encouraging words, disputes of course but nothing out of hand (everyone disagrees sometimes), and I never once in my ENTIRE LIFE have ever felt like my parents didn't love me - NEVER.
Bottom line is that after being with my parents for a couple nights I finally was able to 'remember' that the things he's said and done are not right.
On sites emotional abuse can be seen in how the victim:
- second guesses themself on everything
- can feel like they're losing themself
- will work hard to keep the abuser from getting upset with them
- have a pit in their stomach when around that person (be tense)
the abuser:
- can use demeaning words
- twist the words of the victim
- force the victim to account for every penny they spend
- push them in areas of sex that they don't want
- not be flexible on traditional roles of men and women
Those are only a few things...
I feel sick right now.
Point is that I'm finally calling this what it really is. I'm being emotionally abused but he completely believes that this is fine.
He was talking down to me one day (he just walked out of the bedroom and started laying into me). When he was mostly through I calmly said, "You're being really hurtful right now."
He walked away and seemed to let up for the next exchange of words.
Days later when I said that some of the things he was saying were abusive, he did that laugh people make when they're saying, 'that's absurd.'
My problem today is that after realizing that this is indeed abuse, I've been more scared than I usually am.
I keep worrying that I won't be able to act normal enough around him and then it'll get worse really quickly.
He doesn't like it if I don't hug him or touch him passionately, like I care enough (his words, his standards).
I'm just trying to hold out until I can be at that marriage counseling session (nov. 2).
I have been seeing a counsellor (J) but I don't trust her anymore.
The blessing was that the psychiatrist I was sent to see has been an enormous help. As I knew, the psych said that there's nothing wrong with me. I did tell him that my husband wouldn't like that because he truly believes that I'm the one with all the issues in our marriage and I need to be fixed.
This is an extremely smart psychiatrist. He said, "okay based on your situation come back and see me again in a month."
I had told him that my husband would discredit him if he had only seen me once and deemed me fine because my husband would disagree. I'd only be sent for a second opinion somewhere else.
So, basically for my sake I will see him again so that my husband doesn't think that he didn't work enough on me.
Even still, the other day my husband said that the psych needs to do more tests on me and check me better when I go back.
I believe until someone says "you are messed up woman" then he will not let up.
Good news is that ever since I've been with my parents that weekend 2 months ago (almost) I feel like part of me has returned.
I get bogged down by him sometimes though. I'm very thankful to have a very strong support group to help me.
So, here's to hoping for good days until nov.2
and here's to praying that I don't lose myself again before then
and here's to hoping that I'm able to show love despite how the realization that this is abuse is freaking me out.
I understand that what my husband is doing to me is emotional abuse now. My Mom had eluded to some of his behaviour as being abusive but it still doesn't mean anything until you realize it for yourself.
I can't believe, even now, how many of those things in the list were things I experience.
After the initial shock I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.
To know that I'm not alone makes me feel so much better. Knowing that I can come here and post my thoughts is so incredibly helpful.
I didn't even know what emotional abuse was, I didn't even know that such a thing even existed.
When I came to the realization that I had been verbally abusive in years past and then (in one of our disputes two days ago) I apologized to my husband. He said that he didn't know what to do with what I was saying because he's never heard me talk like that.
That's where things get weird sometimes. I say things to him (I have indeed apologized before but this time I just went on and on apologizing) and he doesn't always remember them.
---
He talked to a social worker about me (almost 2 months ago) and the person said I need to see a psychiatrist and be put on medication. I don't think that that's true but to appease him I went.
Actually, it got weird from that day on.
An argument came from it because I went to see the counsellor J (I hadn't seen in 4 months) and after being with her for 10 minutes (small talk: how are the kids? how many do you have again? how's life? how are your classes?)
it changed to -- you need to see a psychiatrist and seriously consider medication.
I was floored! If I hadn't seen her for 4 months and when I saw her last she was really positive about me. What had changed? And why was I now hearing the exact same thing my husband had said to me only days before? I was beyond confused.
I started to think and realize that the only thing that had happened was my husband was seeing this same counsellor J. He had seen her one month before me and about 2 weeks before me.
I asked him what he had said to counsellor J (later that afternoon) and he mentioned what the social worker had said - psych and meds.
I started the argument though. I said, "maybe we should just be separated." I didn't mean it, it was an empty threat. Something I would do more commonly in the past but had recently not been doing - until that moment
Well, he left work, made some phone calls and headed home. I was just expecting things to be like they had been where we'd talk when I made an empty threat. I KNOW that I was completely wrong to do that but things got worse still.
When he got home, our children were downstairs so they didn't have any clue about how I was feeling upstairs. He walked into the house and took them down the street (we live 2 blocks from his parents; a recovering alcoholic and enabling wife) then when he got home I asked if I could stay.
I didn't want to go but I felt like I was being forced to carry out my empty threat by his actions. Does that make sense?
So, I asked if I could stay.
He said it would be better if I left. He asked if he wanted me to stay while he packed or if he should go. I said that he could do whatever he liked. So, he stood there watching me in silence as I stuffed my computer and books into a backpack and left.
I had an assignment due for an online class and I knew that I still needed to get it done.
I had already been talking with my parents so they met me halfway from my house (in manitoba), I called our pastor to let him know about things (we're close), and I called my oldest sister.
After being with my parents for two nights I felt like I found myself again. Like I've mentioned before I came from an incredibly stable home (i realize now as an adult), NO screaming, yelling, throwing of things, passive aggressiveness. A home full of talking about things, encouraging words, disputes of course but nothing out of hand (everyone disagrees sometimes), and I never once in my ENTIRE LIFE have ever felt like my parents didn't love me - NEVER.
Bottom line is that after being with my parents for a couple nights I finally was able to 'remember' that the things he's said and done are not right.
On sites emotional abuse can be seen in how the victim:
- second guesses themself on everything
- can feel like they're losing themself
- will work hard to keep the abuser from getting upset with them
- have a pit in their stomach when around that person (be tense)
the abuser:
- can use demeaning words
- twist the words of the victim
- force the victim to account for every penny they spend
- push them in areas of sex that they don't want
- not be flexible on traditional roles of men and women
Those are only a few things...
I feel sick right now.
Point is that I'm finally calling this what it really is. I'm being emotionally abused but he completely believes that this is fine.
He was talking down to me one day (he just walked out of the bedroom and started laying into me). When he was mostly through I calmly said, "You're being really hurtful right now."
He walked away and seemed to let up for the next exchange of words.
Days later when I said that some of the things he was saying were abusive, he did that laugh people make when they're saying, 'that's absurd.'
My problem today is that after realizing that this is indeed abuse, I've been more scared than I usually am.
I keep worrying that I won't be able to act normal enough around him and then it'll get worse really quickly.
He doesn't like it if I don't hug him or touch him passionately, like I care enough (his words, his standards).
I'm just trying to hold out until I can be at that marriage counseling session (nov. 2).
I have been seeing a counsellor (J) but I don't trust her anymore.
The blessing was that the psychiatrist I was sent to see has been an enormous help. As I knew, the psych said that there's nothing wrong with me. I did tell him that my husband wouldn't like that because he truly believes that I'm the one with all the issues in our marriage and I need to be fixed.
This is an extremely smart psychiatrist. He said, "okay based on your situation come back and see me again in a month."
I had told him that my husband would discredit him if he had only seen me once and deemed me fine because my husband would disagree. I'd only be sent for a second opinion somewhere else.
So, basically for my sake I will see him again so that my husband doesn't think that he didn't work enough on me.
Even still, the other day my husband said that the psych needs to do more tests on me and check me better when I go back.
I believe until someone says "you are messed up woman" then he will not let up.
Good news is that ever since I've been with my parents that weekend 2 months ago (almost) I feel like part of me has returned.
I get bogged down by him sometimes though. I'm very thankful to have a very strong support group to help me.
So, here's to hoping for good days until nov.2
and here's to praying that I don't lose myself again before then
and here's to hoping that I'm able to show love despite how the realization that this is abuse is freaking me out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I just want to ask if the kids are ok in his folks home? I see a red flag letting them stay there or with your husband. He does seem very controlling. Are the kids with you? If it's bad enough that you, as an adult, have to leave, then it's bad enough for the kids to leave with you.
Also, why do you have to submit to his idea of counseling, why do you care if you have to go to November 2? I agree, go for yourself but don't let it have anything to do with his orders/wishes.
Maybe I misread, if so sorry.
Also, why do you have to submit to his idea of counseling, why do you care if you have to go to November 2? I agree, go for yourself but don't let it have anything to do with his orders/wishes.
Maybe I misread, if so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
Take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. The fact that you are recognizing what is going on and that you are not crazy, should be a weight lifted off your shoulders no matter what the outcome is. Don't let it freak you out. You have been living it for 9 years, nothing has changed, really. It's just that you have had a revelation so it SEEMS like it's all coming to a head at once.
Deep breaths, one.day.at.a.time. Get yourself a new counselor. I personally feel it is conflict of interest for a counselor to be taking on a husband and wife as patients/clients without them both having knowledge of it. That seems very wrong to me. If I were you, I would specifically seek out a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse issues. If you search them online you can usually find this information. There are sites, too that you can read reviews for docs. That's been helpful to me as I've been through a lot of recent medical problems. A few times I almost made appointments with dr's that got very negative feedback from their patients! I had already been through one useless surgery and didn't want to have another!
In any case, spend more time with your supportive family and your children and make an effort to focus on yourself. The stronger you become the easier it will be for you to make the best choice for you. If your husband has a revelation of his own and realizes what he is doing is abuse and gets help and tries to stop...well then hey...that's GREAT, win-win. If not, it's time to take care of you! 9 years is way too long to live this way in my opinion. I made it through 2 1/2 and it was too long for me.
This is me pulling the cart before the horse...so please don't think I'm discouraging you from trying. I am not. However, I feel compelled to say this because your situation sounds so similar to what I went through and I would really like to spare you the agony of what my son's father did to me. With that said....IF things do reach the point where someone needs to leave again. I highly recommend you ask your husband to leave, or that if you leave you take your children with you. Even if it's just a day or two for you to clear your head. It can set the stage for him to claim he is the one taking care of the kids and you are just taking off and leaving them with him. Of course, we know that you are not doing that. However, it's another way of having control. He can hold the kids over your head and scare you into thinking he is going to take them and make the claim that you left. I just want you to have that in the back of your mind if/when it reaches that point again.
As for the psychiatrist telling you that you did not need medication. I understand the feeling of wanting to prove yourself. It comes with the territory when you live with someone like this. Always having to prove you are telling the truth, you are not crazy, you are not wrong. (Which is exhausting, btw) However, at a certain point you need to be confident in yourself and realize that if the doctor said you didn't need medication - that is enough. You don't need to prove yourself to him. If he doesn't believe it, that's his problem. Just as long as YOU believe it, and YOU believe in you. It's the first part in recovering from all of this. You need to believe in yourself and be confident in the knowing the truth. Don't worry about what he says. Because you know what...as soon as you prove him wrong with psychiatrist sessions, there will just be some other challenge he presents at you - another hoop for you to jump through! That's what they do. Always trying to prove they are right, picking a new thing to throw at you or accuse you of to make themselves look better as they are busy recruiting their little army along the way. Mine always called his mom and sister and for years they thought I was crazy. Oh well! Who cares!!! I knew I wasn't crazy and that was enough!!
I just re-read your post again and caught the bit about you being afraid to not hug him enough or passionately enough. That's a scary and stressful way to live. I think his control issues are really deep. Please be careful and do everything you can to get help for yourself. I wouldn't share the name of my therapist/counselor with him. I also would be on alert with the person doing your marriage counseling. I have a gut feeling there is a reason he chose this person and insisted on going to him/her.
Deep breaths, one.day.at.a.time. Get yourself a new counselor. I personally feel it is conflict of interest for a counselor to be taking on a husband and wife as patients/clients without them both having knowledge of it. That seems very wrong to me. If I were you, I would specifically seek out a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse issues. If you search them online you can usually find this information. There are sites, too that you can read reviews for docs. That's been helpful to me as I've been through a lot of recent medical problems. A few times I almost made appointments with dr's that got very negative feedback from their patients! I had already been through one useless surgery and didn't want to have another!
In any case, spend more time with your supportive family and your children and make an effort to focus on yourself. The stronger you become the easier it will be for you to make the best choice for you. If your husband has a revelation of his own and realizes what he is doing is abuse and gets help and tries to stop...well then hey...that's GREAT, win-win. If not, it's time to take care of you! 9 years is way too long to live this way in my opinion. I made it through 2 1/2 and it was too long for me.
This is me pulling the cart before the horse...so please don't think I'm discouraging you from trying. I am not. However, I feel compelled to say this because your situation sounds so similar to what I went through and I would really like to spare you the agony of what my son's father did to me. With that said....IF things do reach the point where someone needs to leave again. I highly recommend you ask your husband to leave, or that if you leave you take your children with you. Even if it's just a day or two for you to clear your head. It can set the stage for him to claim he is the one taking care of the kids and you are just taking off and leaving them with him. Of course, we know that you are not doing that. However, it's another way of having control. He can hold the kids over your head and scare you into thinking he is going to take them and make the claim that you left. I just want you to have that in the back of your mind if/when it reaches that point again.
As for the psychiatrist telling you that you did not need medication. I understand the feeling of wanting to prove yourself. It comes with the territory when you live with someone like this. Always having to prove you are telling the truth, you are not crazy, you are not wrong. (Which is exhausting, btw) However, at a certain point you need to be confident in yourself and realize that if the doctor said you didn't need medication - that is enough. You don't need to prove yourself to him. If he doesn't believe it, that's his problem. Just as long as YOU believe it, and YOU believe in you. It's the first part in recovering from all of this. You need to believe in yourself and be confident in the knowing the truth. Don't worry about what he says. Because you know what...as soon as you prove him wrong with psychiatrist sessions, there will just be some other challenge he presents at you - another hoop for you to jump through! That's what they do. Always trying to prove they are right, picking a new thing to throw at you or accuse you of to make themselves look better as they are busy recruiting their little army along the way. Mine always called his mom and sister and for years they thought I was crazy. Oh well! Who cares!!! I knew I wasn't crazy and that was enough!!
I just re-read your post again and caught the bit about you being afraid to not hug him enough or passionately enough. That's a scary and stressful way to live. I think his control issues are really deep. Please be careful and do everything you can to get help for yourself. I wouldn't share the name of my therapist/counselor with him. I also would be on alert with the person doing your marriage counseling. I have a gut feeling there is a reason he chose this person and insisted on going to him/her.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I keep worrying that I won't be able to act normal enough around him
You can't act normal enough around him because it is not about you. It is all about him. He'll find something, or goad you into the behaviour and then say "see!".
I don't really understand from your last post: are you still with him? do you want to still be with him? you are doing lots to keep him happy. what's he doing?
I hope you are safe (and away).
You can't act normal enough around him because it is not about you. It is all about him. He'll find something, or goad you into the behaviour and then say "see!".
I don't really understand from your last post: are you still with him? do you want to still be with him? you are doing lots to keep him happy. what's he doing?
I hope you are safe (and away).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
lots here.
I'll try to make things more clear.
I went to counsellor J first, he agreed to go to marriage counselling with counsellor J. Then counsellor J said, "we can do marriage counselling as well as separate sessions with each of you."
I thought that that seemed like a good idea. Then the bias began because counsellor J takes my husband's side. She even said in our last session (month ago), "Oh, no. That doesn't sound like your husband."
I had just told her something that he had said.
I replied, (calmly) "Do you think that I'm lying?" - I thought I heard her wrong.
"No, it's just that I've had your husband in here and he really doesn't seem like that kind of person."
SLAP! (that's the sound of her hand on my face. lol. not seriously though - striving to keep the humour that I've only had return recently
)
I will be seeing a new counsellor soon. I'm just working with the psychiatrist to find someone I can trust. I like that psych. He comes across as very professional and not quick to judge.
As for the leaving episode -
thanks for all the great advice.
I never, ever for a moment would've thought that he'd turn things around to make it look like I abandoned my children instead of 'following orders'. <--- not good I know.
However, your comments do explain why he said to my father (over the phone) on that day that I was told to leave, that he can't trust me with the children. That's completely untrue because he's gone for work 2 weekends of the month and I'm a stay-at-home Mom. I'm always with my little people and they're not scared of me. There have been times when they get tense at the dinner table though when he's around because he doesn't like anyone speaking when he is.
Interesting too about the nov. 2nd thing. This is the counsellor he wanted because he's a male and he did marriage counselling for his two friends in their marriage just recently. They highly recommended him.
I stick with the one that he's chosen because I know what he would do if I chose someone else. In the past he'd make up excuses about why he wouldn't want to go to a counsellor with me.
- a woman
- not married
- you need the coun. not me
- he was wrong
- not a good counsellor
However, marriage counselling (after counsellor J) does make me a little apprehensive because he talks so smoothly and calmly. If you met him you would never, ever clue in to how he can be.
I'm still at home. Little people are with me.
He's been really nice for the last 24 hours. He was sulking this morning because I wasn't hugging him enough and yes that does make me really uneasy.
He's extremely good at reading me and I don't like it.
If I am even slightly tense he picks up on it unless I resort to acting. Good thing I've always liked acting.
I am earnestly seeking God with an answer to know who I'm dealing with. I realize that people don't change overnight but I just need things to be so obvious for me.
I'm refusing to believe the lies that I deserve this. I know I don't.
I will not let my heart condemn me because I don't need to be condemned by the past.
So, my prayer has been that I will know if we're still in this cycle of emotional abuse.
Calm and nice ----> thoughts in his head -----> unwarranted demands or behaviour -----> and back to calm and nice...
I say this because this morning he actually said, "Do you not see that I want to be hugged by you?"
Normally, he would just accuse me of being mean and withholding love from him so that I will hurt him.
To hear him say it so positively (I can't have you hear the words in typing, so pretend) caught me off guard in a good way.
I realize that we could very well be in just the calm stage but I'm needing affirmation of where I am.
If he's actually trying to change I will have to deal with forgiveness and trying to make things better.
If he's still in an emotionally abusive mind-set then I feel more prepared than I ever have before. I know that I can't change him.
But I will be seeing the psych in a week and a half and the counsellor J a few days before that.
I hope to see counsellor J sooner. Why? Not to get advice but to say that I think she's been unprofessional and the reasons why.
The psychiatrist said it would be a good idea only so that she doesn't repeat the mistake and wind up hurting someone else again. (her bias, her defending my husband, and sending me to a psych based on my husband's testimony and not my own words)
But a lot can happen before then and maybe I'll just not bother seeing counsellor J. Point is, I think she was very unprofessional and I know that she counsels a lot of people. It's not fair that she jump the gun on them too.
I think that I'm going to go counsellor-searching today though. Maybe I can be seeing a new coun. next week. I just really need someone I can trust. And looking for someone who deals with domestic areas would be good.
I live in a really small, rural community so getting to the nearest city for counselling isn't the easiest thing to do. Plus there aren't a lot of choices. Gotta' dig.
Oh, yes. The case of my in-laws.
I don't know what to say about that. I think that their being around my children is a positive thing.
His Mom is great with them, his father isn't drinking anymore and my mother-in-law says he is more involved in their lives than he ever was with his own children. And by involved I mean that my father-in-law will hug them sometimes.
Yet, I don't know if our being in close proximity to them is good for my husband or not. I really don't know.
He goes there a lot and he's able to speak with his Mom more than he used to. He's able to get 15 minutes with his Dad that he never had while growing up (not sober anyways).
But maybe just being in the same house that had those same issues isn't helpful. I really don't know.
I went to counsellor J first, he agreed to go to marriage counselling with counsellor J. Then counsellor J said, "we can do marriage counselling as well as separate sessions with each of you."
I thought that that seemed like a good idea. Then the bias began because counsellor J takes my husband's side. She even said in our last session (month ago), "Oh, no. That doesn't sound like your husband."
I had just told her something that he had said.
I replied, (calmly) "Do you think that I'm lying?" - I thought I heard her wrong.
"No, it's just that I've had your husband in here and he really doesn't seem like that kind of person."
SLAP! (that's the sound of her hand on my face. lol. not seriously though - striving to keep the humour that I've only had return recently
)I will be seeing a new counsellor soon. I'm just working with the psychiatrist to find someone I can trust. I like that psych. He comes across as very professional and not quick to judge.
As for the leaving episode -
thanks for all the great advice.
I never, ever for a moment would've thought that he'd turn things around to make it look like I abandoned my children instead of 'following orders'. <--- not good I know.
However, your comments do explain why he said to my father (over the phone) on that day that I was told to leave, that he can't trust me with the children. That's completely untrue because he's gone for work 2 weekends of the month and I'm a stay-at-home Mom. I'm always with my little people and they're not scared of me. There have been times when they get tense at the dinner table though when he's around because he doesn't like anyone speaking when he is.
Interesting too about the nov. 2nd thing. This is the counsellor he wanted because he's a male and he did marriage counselling for his two friends in their marriage just recently. They highly recommended him.
I stick with the one that he's chosen because I know what he would do if I chose someone else. In the past he'd make up excuses about why he wouldn't want to go to a counsellor with me.
- a woman
- not married
- you need the coun. not me
- he was wrong
- not a good counsellor
However, marriage counselling (after counsellor J) does make me a little apprehensive because he talks so smoothly and calmly. If you met him you would never, ever clue in to how he can be.
I'm still at home. Little people are with me.
He's been really nice for the last 24 hours. He was sulking this morning because I wasn't hugging him enough and yes that does make me really uneasy.
He's extremely good at reading me and I don't like it.
If I am even slightly tense he picks up on it unless I resort to acting. Good thing I've always liked acting.
I am earnestly seeking God with an answer to know who I'm dealing with. I realize that people don't change overnight but I just need things to be so obvious for me.
I'm refusing to believe the lies that I deserve this. I know I don't.
I will not let my heart condemn me because I don't need to be condemned by the past.
So, my prayer has been that I will know if we're still in this cycle of emotional abuse.
Calm and nice ----> thoughts in his head -----> unwarranted demands or behaviour -----> and back to calm and nice...
I say this because this morning he actually said, "Do you not see that I want to be hugged by you?"
Normally, he would just accuse me of being mean and withholding love from him so that I will hurt him.
To hear him say it so positively (I can't have you hear the words in typing, so pretend) caught me off guard in a good way.
I realize that we could very well be in just the calm stage but I'm needing affirmation of where I am.
If he's actually trying to change I will have to deal with forgiveness and trying to make things better.
If he's still in an emotionally abusive mind-set then I feel more prepared than I ever have before. I know that I can't change him.
But I will be seeing the psych in a week and a half and the counsellor J a few days before that.
I hope to see counsellor J sooner. Why? Not to get advice but to say that I think she's been unprofessional and the reasons why.
The psychiatrist said it would be a good idea only so that she doesn't repeat the mistake and wind up hurting someone else again. (her bias, her defending my husband, and sending me to a psych based on my husband's testimony and not my own words)
But a lot can happen before then and maybe I'll just not bother seeing counsellor J. Point is, I think she was very unprofessional and I know that she counsels a lot of people. It's not fair that she jump the gun on them too.
I think that I'm going to go counsellor-searching today though. Maybe I can be seeing a new coun. next week. I just really need someone I can trust. And looking for someone who deals with domestic areas would be good.
I live in a really small, rural community so getting to the nearest city for counselling isn't the easiest thing to do. Plus there aren't a lot of choices. Gotta' dig.
Oh, yes. The case of my in-laws.
I don't know what to say about that. I think that their being around my children is a positive thing.
His Mom is great with them, his father isn't drinking anymore and my mother-in-law says he is more involved in their lives than he ever was with his own children. And by involved I mean that my father-in-law will hug them sometimes.
Yet, I don't know if our being in close proximity to them is good for my husband or not. I really don't know.
He goes there a lot and he's able to speak with his Mom more than he used to. He's able to get 15 minutes with his Dad that he never had while growing up (not sober anyways).
But maybe just being in the same house that had those same issues isn't helpful. I really don't know.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
missed some questions
I'm still with him. I'm still willing to give this marriage a shot. I'm going to see how he does with this marriage counsellor (we will be going to this counsellor ONLY as a couple). Psych said that that takes away a lot of the temptation for bias on the side of the counsellor.
and I'm very, very thankful for the reminder to breathe. Seriously.
I'm overwhelmed but talking here makes me remember that it's okay right now. Everything is NOT coming to a head even though the shock makes me feel like it is.
I want to try to make this marriage work. Now that I'm beginning to understand him I'm going to address these things in counselling - to his face with someone there to referee.
I haven't been giving in to his demands as much. And what I mean is if it's unreasonable I've said, "I am going to finish watching my show and then I'll go to bed when I want to." (used to dictate my bed time, yep, messed up I know)
I'm going to try this. I want to give it the most I can for the sake of our children but in my mother's words, "you need a contingency plan".
She's right. We'll see how it goes for the next weeks? two months?
I really need to believe that he's going to listen when a man in an authoritative position (new marriage coun.) tells him that this is wrong and it's emotional abuse.
If he will not listen then I know I've got to leave.
I am hopeful that he can change.
and I'm very, very thankful for the reminder to breathe. Seriously.
I'm overwhelmed but talking here makes me remember that it's okay right now. Everything is NOT coming to a head even though the shock makes me feel like it is.
I want to try to make this marriage work. Now that I'm beginning to understand him I'm going to address these things in counselling - to his face with someone there to referee.
I haven't been giving in to his demands as much. And what I mean is if it's unreasonable I've said, "I am going to finish watching my show and then I'll go to bed when I want to." (used to dictate my bed time, yep, messed up I know)
I'm going to try this. I want to give it the most I can for the sake of our children but in my mother's words, "you need a contingency plan".
She's right. We'll see how it goes for the next weeks? two months?
I really need to believe that he's going to listen when a man in an authoritative position (new marriage coun.) tells him that this is wrong and it's emotional abuse.
If he will not listen then I know I've got to leave.
I am hopeful that he can change.
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