tyabner

I’ve been reading posts here for quite some time. This forum has helped a lot. I’m 27 years old and my alcoholic wife is 29. We have been married for 6 years. She has been an alcoholic for all of those six years. We went to marriage counseling around 3 years ago to work on our marital problems, including her alcoholism. She never fully stopped drinking (cut back to drinking 4-5 times per week) so things never really improved and then she wanted to stop counseling and things went back to “normal.” Normal would be her getting home from work at about 7:00 and then start drinking at 8:00. She typically would drink until she passed out on the couch or come to bed at around 2 am. I normally go to bed at around 10-10:30. Typical night of consumption would be ½ of a fifth of Vodka or whatever else was in the house that she purchased. So here we are 3 years removed from counseling and very unhappy with the relationship. I went back to our counselor around 3 months ago who told me at the first session that I should strongly consider moving out. On the second session, she said I needed to move out. I brought this up to AW and she said she’d stop drinking. She didn’t. She just tried to hide it from me. She would take shots when I was showering and then wait for me to go to bed and then get hammered. I would call her out on this just to let her know that I knew what she was doing. She then went back to “normal.” So three weeks ago I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore and that she needed to seek help or I was going to have to leave. She didn’t seek help but stopped drinking for four days. She then bought a handle of whiskey and tried her best to hide her drinking from me. I know that I can’t make her stop. I know that I really h ave no impact on her to stop. I told her Saturday that I was leaning towards moving out. She said on Saturday that she is going to stop and seek help. She got drunk Saturday and Sunday. So I guess my questions are, is there hope for her if she is only wanting to change for me and not for herself? After 6 years of living with everything that comes with an alcoholic, when is enough, enough? I feel very closed down and disappointed as she knows that this is destroying our marriage but this disease controls her and seemingly makes her not care about the relationship. We don’t have any children so there isn’t a problem with that. I have an appointment with a rental company today but am feeling scared and nervous and I guess am just looking for reassurance. Thanks for any insight that anyone can give.

m1k3

tyabner, welcome to SR. I'm sorry about your wife. First of all what you are going through is normal for living with an A (alcoholic). Almost every one here is or was dealing with the exact same types of issues as you are. It is important to remember that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. She will work her recovery only when she is ready to and not one second sooner. Sadly many never want to.

I moved out on my AW (alcoholic wife) of 36 years 6 months ago. It was scary and somewhat lonely at first but I don't regret it at all. One thing to consider is how much her drinking has effected you. I know when I move out I was dealing with a whole boatload of issues. What helped me was reading and posting here, lots and starting Al-Anon.

Al-Anon has given me the tools and support to make myself sane again. I no longer am carrying around all that anger and guilt. I have made friends with myself and life is good.

Please keep reading and posting here. There is tons of wisdom, strength and experience here.

Your friend,

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more with the importance of Alanon.

My friend Mike is a shining example of what it looks like applying the principles of Alanon on a daily basis.

I have learned a lot from his posts.

Your wife can make all sorts of promises when it comes to drinking, but it's all doomed to failure unless she finds a program of recovery and embraces it.

Alcoholism is progressive, and it never gets better, only worse if left untreated.

Sending you hugs of support!

dollydo

Welcome,

Unfortunately, she is the only one who can save her. She must want recovery more than anything else in the world, her saying she will do it for you will not work.

My mother is the main alcoholic in my life, she has been tanked for 65 years, she has never wanted recovery and never will, she will die an alcoholic.

I agree with Mike and Freedom, start those meetings. Read around this forum, and the
Family and Friends Of Substance abusers, pay special attention to the stickies, lots of
information at your finger tips.

And, keep posting!

tyabner

Thank you for your quick responses. I found a local Al-Non meeting place nearby so will begin attending that tomorrow. These forums are nice as it helps you realize that you aren't the only one dealing with this type of situation.

Freedom1990

You are definitely not alone! I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends. Kudos for you on already locating an Alanon meeting. Alanon saved my life!

SoaringSpirits

[QUOTE]After 6 years of living with everything that comes with an alcoholic, when is enough, enough?[/QUOTE

Only you know the answer to this.

Are you willing to sign up for another 6 years or this? Or another 20? It doesn't get better; it only gets worse. I separated from my AH of 16 years last spring once I realized that I couldn't take one more day of living that way. Nothing has changed --- he's still drinking, even in the face of losing his wife and four kids. Alcohol is a powerful mistress.

Al Anon and SR have been extremely useful in helping me to set my boundaries. Hang in there, and please keep posting.

LifeRecovery

I just wanted to say welcome and that I am in agreement with what everyone else wrote.

Al-Anon and individual counseling saved my life. Marriage counseling with a person living in addiction can be a challenge and individual was all for me.

I hope you found as I did that Al-Anon was like these boards, I got to find people who knew what it was like.

tyabner

I told AW that I was moving out last night. She did not take this well at all. She told me that this was a huge mistake and that I was quitting on her and that she couldn't get help without my support. She went from being sad to very angry and broke a few things around the house. She then calmed down and begged me to give her 30 days so that she can prove that she can stop alcohol. What's 30 days really going to do? She told me that if I leave, she will just continue to drink and that her viscous downward spiral will not stop. I'm pretty sure she is just trying to manipulate me into staying. Thoughts?

dollydo

Yes, she is attempting to manipulate you and deflect her problem onto you. Addicts are
masters at guilting someone out.

If she wants to recover, she will do it, whether you are with her or not. 30 days is a
drop in the bucket. A year of sober living and still working a strong recovery program
might convince me to take her back, nothing short of that would.

m1k3

My experience is that my wife did not begin working on a recovery until after I had moved out and both my adult daughters cut off contact with her, including not seeing her grandchildren. She has been sober 2 to 3 months now and we will see how that goes. As of now I have no intention of moving back in with her recovery or no recovery. I have come too far in my own recovery than to put myself back in that position again.

Your friend,

Eight Ball

Hi Tyabner

If an alcoholic uses the old line of 'unless you help, I wont be able to do it' or anything similar, then they are setting you up for their fall. The minute you dont do something 'right' it will be all your fault that they failed. Thats manipulation. My AH of 23yrs once managed 5 months of sobriety before relapsing. That day he relapsed he was only going to drink at the weekends and by Tuesday it was full steam ahead and back to normal. If they really want it for themselves and badly enough, then nothing will stop them from trying to achieve it.

My AH of 23yrs didn't find genuine sobriety until I finally had enough and left. I, like Mike, moved into my own rental place and I am living on my own for the first time in my life (46yrs). It took me leaving and going no contact about four months ago for him to find his rock bottom and he has been sober for eight weeks and working very hard at staying that way. He knows that it will be a life long commitment.

My boundary is that I will no longer live with the drinking ever again. We are talking about reuniting one day, but for now there is no rush. Long term sobriety is what it will take for me to live with my AH again and at the moment its a 'time will tell' kind of deal. I continue to go to Al-anon, see my therapist and take care of me, my health and happiness.

My AH takes care of himself and his recovery, as it is his to own. From what I hear and see, he is feeling good about himself and his achievements, he is learning about responsibility, ownership and consequences and appears to have embraced them all, although it is very early days. I have no input in his recovery and he wants it that way.

catlovermi

This is TEXTBOOK response. (This response plays on your: ) They know what buttons to push, and they DO.

• "Please, I'm changing this time, FOR REAL!" (doubt)
• "Just give xx amount of time, I'll show you!" (patience)
• "I can't do it without your support!" - this, followed by (guilt)
• "I drink because you x y z (fill in the variable)" (insecurity)
• "I will go downhill if you leave me." (loyalty)
• "You are abandoning me/our vows/our dreams" (actually, she has, already) (integrity)
• "I have no job/money/place to live/childcare/rehab insurance/freckles so can't do this" (caretaking)

...read around and you will see this is almost verbatim from every alcoholic partner faced with a line in the sand, finally.

Sending support!

CLMI

m1k3

This should be a sticky. I am going to print off a copy of this and keep it with my other literature.

Good job CLMI!

garfiild

Agreed, 100%. Forget "keep it with other literature" - I'm going to have this tattooed on my forearms so I can find it immediately when the crap starts and so I never, ever get swept up in it ever again.

yes, sticky - along with anvil's comment below and whatever other logical responses to alcoholic manipulations we can come up with. Anyone got any others?

atalose

Something I learned here a long time ago. We can always have HOPE but HOPE is not a plan. We can’t continue to live our lives on hope that someone else gets it and then will stay sober.

The reality is, she’s had the last 3 years to prove she can not just stop drinking on her own. Her history you shared proves that and history doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history.

Something else I learned here, alcoholics don’t have relationships they take hostages!!

Her hostage negotiations with you include, threats and blame………that’s not healthy negotiations. Those are her attemptss to get her way and keep things just how she wants them, you not leaving her and in a few days she will get another bottle.

Nothing says she can’t seek help and get herself clean in these 30 days; but her sobriety doesn’t depend on you physically being there, after all you’ve been there and she’s been unable to get sober so maybe it’s time to try something different.

Al-anon is great, it helps US see we have choices, it helps you develop a new healthier way of thinking.

SoaringSpirits

Yes, this is manipulation.
That is her choice whether she drinks or doesn't drink.

Your job now is to figure out YOUR choice.

You did not cause her to drink. You can't control if she drinks. You can't cure her. You are powerless over anyone but yourself.

A helpful book is "Codependent No More." I especially got a lot out of the chapter on Detachment. You can detach in a loving way. And the stickies here on SR are great. Keep reading. Knowledge is power, and peace. It really takes a huge burden off of you when you can truly let go of the outcome of your alcoholic's life and put your energy into making your own life make sense.

tyabner

I wanted thank you all for the responses and the support. What a number of great people here on these forums. I'll be attending my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. I hope this will be one of my many steps in the right direction for my own recovery from living with an alcoholic. Again, I just wanted to say thank you to you all!