seek

I don't know why . . . could be many reasons . . . not into just pathologizing and claiming everything is due to "co-dependency" - I think we are all interdependent on each other for survival . . .and there are many factors that contribute to how a person "is" from birth time/place (if you believe in astrology, as I do), temperment/disposition, as well as other factors such as level of sensitivity.

I see myself as extremely empathic and highly sensitive (there is psychological literature on the "Highly Sensitive Person" which I relate to, strongly).

I also feel that I am thoughtful, moral, and ethical - these are values I have adopted, which are very important to me . . .

Which brings me to the topic . . . I care very deeply about people, animals, and even plants - I cry when trees are cut down or flowers stomped on . . .

If someone in my family is suffering, I feel their pain . . . now some of this is problematic and can be fixed with "boundaries" - some of it is unconscious and I have no idea what to do about it: Example: Sometimes I will get into a severe funk and later find out that there was something wrong with one of my kids. This has happened many, many times . . .

I have talked about the "bond of the mother" before - I truly believe it exists. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to distance myself from my daughter, the AD . . .

But still, if I hear that someone is sad or having a problem, I want to comfort or nurture . . . and I know this is not always healthy for me or for them - I try to remember the Gibran quote: "Your children are not your children . . ." and that helps, when I can remember it - If I had a circle of friends who could remind me that I am not the savior, that would also be helpful, because I feel somehow responsible (some would call this "co-dependent") . . . what I mean is if I feel I have resources, I feel compelled to share them . . . but maybe it is in the person's best interests not to have outside assistance . . . this is what I am learning and have been learning to come to terms with for awhile . . .

When you have a family full of dependent people or people who need a lot of help and you are resourceful, you get a lot of practice "helping." When the people are very young or very old, it can be appropriate . . .I am learning that people have to be responsible for themselves - my challenge is not feeling bummed when people I love have setbacks and I can't help them - or it would not be appropriate for me to try to help them - I still suffer when I hear of anyone suffering . . .

lillamy

I think caring for and about people is a good and fundamentally healthy character trait. It becomes codependency and unhealthy, in my mind, when you come across an individual who abuses these good healthy character traits, and you let them.

seek

I agree with you . . . I think for me, part of my "problem" is that I see the good in people, even when they are not good . . . maybe that is denial or wishful-thinking, or just naivete' . . .

I think I have a very hard time comprehending that some people are hurtful and mean or unconscious - for me, some of these perceptions do go back to my childhood . . .it was hard for me to comprehend my parent could be so ruthless and mean . . .

I also have abandonment issues so I know I put up with more than is healthy because of that.

LaTeeDa

In my recovery, I've learned to separate the "traits" from the "behavior." Traits like empathy, compassion, generosity, etc. are not bad or even codependent. It's the behavior we manifest that can be positive or negative. Caring for others is human and good. Behaving in ways that undermine our own life under the guise of caring is the problem. Traits are not codependent in and of themselves. Behavior is what is codependent, and luckily, behavior can be changed without disturbing the underlying positive traits.

L

Kittyboo

I am codependent only with certain people, especially men who I have a strong attraction with, or have built a strong connection with...which for me is rare, I tend to be very closed off to men in general and rarely let someone in, but when I do, I DO.

My abandonment issues and emotionally absent father have caused me to sacrifice my own needs for the man I want to be with. I will be overly concerned, care too much, my happiness would depend on if he was talking to me, and become immobile if I thought he was going away. And these are men who were never really mine to begin with, just used, emotionally abused and lied to me. And I put up with it thinking..."but i'm such a good person, I deserve someone who loves me!" I couldn't ever comprehend why they treated me that way but seemed to care about others. Part of me still doesn't quite understand that. But I do understand why my feelings allowed it.

But rarely do I become codependent with anyone else, if someone is having a problem, I am always there to talk to, give advice if asked for, but when it comes down to it, their life is their own and they are responsible for their own choices. And I won't get all emotionally wrapped up in someone else's problems. This is a behavior I lacked when it came to men. Actually, I didn't really become overly concerned with their issues either, I just craved loved and that is where I would sacrifice myself to feel like I could maybe have it.

When it came to my A, he knew I didn't support all of his drinking or pot smoking or drug addictions, but he never hid it when talking to me, he actually use to boast about getting drunk or high to me..... whatever, his choice. But I was so caught up in the fantasy that I suppressed all facts about him. Part of me still does because I feel like I don't really know who he is, even after all this time.

I'm definitely codependent when it comes to wanting love, but wanting to FIX people's problems, not so much.
I do cry though too when bugs die! I don't like to see helpless creatures in what I think may be pain.

Willybluedog

Dear Kittyboo,

I guess some folks just feel more deeply than others, I know that certain things just get to me much more than they do my wife.

It is sometimes hard to carry all that weight, but it can also be a blessing. If you pray for the soul of that bug or plant then you can help that soul on its journey and personally I find that very comforting.

Some people just love too much, they give everything of themselves to the person they love, if you and they person you are with are matched on that scale it is wonderful, but most of the time the scale is out of balance and the person who is the "giver" in the relationship gets cheated.

Please don't change too much, the world needs more love instead of less, people like you make the world a much better place.

Kittyboo

Awe, Willy that was really sweet. And you know, I think people like all of us make the world a better place.... for sure.

Tuffgirl

I really relate to kittyboo's post - I didn't think I was codependent until this relationship with an A. With everyone else I am pretty much live & let live, even my teenagers to a healthy degree. But with the A...well.../that was so not me, what I did in that relationship. Not authentic at all. And it caught up with me down the road, that cognitive dissonance that we feel when we are doing things we know aren't "us".

Seek - my biggest fear in this whole journey through addictions and relationships was that I would lose those traits that make me - ME. I do care deeply, I do experience those "Mom" moments where I feel what my kids feel before I know. I genuinely like people and care about others. I trust, sometimes naively, and think all people are are good, and fascinating, and interesting, and I like meeting new people and hearing their stories. And you know what - I like that in me. It makes me likable in return.

Finding the balance between celebrating those traits and setting appropriate boundaries is the key. I am still working on it, but I'd rather be hurt and still be a good person in my own mind than close myself off from people out of fear of being hurt. Just my 2 cent thought for the day. ; )

LifeRecovery

I heard something the other day that has resonated with me and this post.

I am in a training for a type of therapy.

They said in the client/therapist interaction that most of the time the therapist has to be conscious of themselves 60% of the time and the client 40% of the time.

That really resonated with me, when I am acting in my true codependent ways I am not in that ratio, but more like 95% with the other person. 60/40 does not mean that I am not a caring person it means I am grounded and full enough in myself to come to a place of genuine giving with someone else. Or to take my energy into a relationship with someone else. I am starting to learn that it is often about the intent behind it for me, and not the actions that determine if I am being true to me or if I am being codependent.

I struggle more in certain relationships than others with my codependancy (which was in place way before I met my loved one).