melon1989

I have begun attending Al-Anon and NarAnon and have begun working the steps. It has been a great relief and a place where I can move beyond my anger. My husband only comes home to sleep. He spends all day, everyday with his sponsor. In the few days my husband has known him, this man has taken my husband to amusement parks, malls, taken him out for dinner, showered him with gifts including a laptop computer and invited him to his summer home in Vermont. I am working very hard to separate myself from my husband's recovery but this relationship with his sponsor is quite alarming.

HopeAwaits

I think i agree w you and most of the time our gut feelings are right. I know my AXH eventually didnt like his sponsors because they kept him in reality.
I say just do as you are and focus on you and let him do his. be safe!!

December2011

I am not sure that that is normal. I am glad he is in recovery, but why would he be buying him a computer. I think that is not what a sponser it about, but I am new to this too, so I do not know a lot. It just sounds a bit odd. Perhaps you should talk to the the group leader and see what is going on. I think a sponser shoud be a support, but this sounds a little strange to me. I am with HopeAwaits.. trust your gut.. I know it is hard.
hugs

Windblown

Oh well, at least be greatful he's in a program and trying to get sober.hugs.

laurie6781

Doesn't sound like any 'sponsorship' I have seen or do with my sponsees.

Something is 'fishy.'

I am glad that you are taking care of YOU.

Love and hugs,

melon1989

I am finishing up my work for the night. It is 1am and no sign of my husband. I have a feeling he won't be coming back tonight. I am very grateful for his recovery but this sponsor relationship seems to be just like the drug dealers with no boundaries, power trips galore, etc. The thing I keep telling myself is that I am SO PROUD of being a strong intelligent independent woman and maintaining that is my first priority. If my husband chooses to assuage his addictive tendencies by developing extremely unhealthy relationships with other recovering addicts than that is his choice. I hope that someday soon he will realize that having a healthy relationship with his wife would help him in recovery but I do not bet on this.

YearForMe

His actions are certainly not indicative of healthy recovery.

Take care of yourself and know that "more will be revealed"

melon1989

I have seen the sponsor. I took my husband over to his apartment the other day and he came and picked up my husband yesterday to which my husband has not returned. My husband came home yesterday with expensive pairs of boots and shoes and a ticket stub from the amusement park.

dollydo

There is something very wrong here. This not normal behavior for a sponser.

I was thinking the same thing as Anvil, this sounds like a romance.

Keep working on you, everything will come to the surface in due time.

Kindeyes

This is important. You are taking care of that which is in your control.

If the sponsor is providing these "gifts", something doesn't smell right but time will reveal more. This is definitely where the serenity prayer comes in handy.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Add me to the list of those who feel this is not a sponsor/sponsee relationship.

Nonetheless, you can only control yourself and your reactions.

melon1989

Yeah this is out of control. I have not seen or heard from my husband in 24 hours. About to go to an al-anon meeting.

kiki5711

Yea, sounds strange...............very strange

melon1989

To be honest, years ago, my husband would have these relationships with anyone who would give him drugs. Older men, older women, anyone who would "take care" of him. I thought that was over... but now in the least likely place it is back. When he came home with the clothes, I tried not to vomit in my mouth.

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more. When I got out of rehab, I never went back to my EXAH as he had chosen to go back to using/drinking when he got out of rehab before me.

Turns out he contracted HIV about two weeks into my stay at rehab.

Had I gone back home, I too would have contracted HIV.

He died 4 years ago at the tender age of 47, complications due to AIDS.

But for the grace of God, there go I.

I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

dollydo

Yes, please protect yourself.

melon1989

I just got back from an al-anon meeting and an extensive conversation with a drug counselor who knows the situation. He was here, left a note saying he was good and he'd see me later tonight. My neighbor said he was really manic running in and out of the house 3-4 times in a short period of time. The counselor said this is one of the major "character defects", establishing extremely unhealthy relationships in order not to focus on himself and whats really going on, high or not. As someone said in the al-anon meeting, my "serenity" is worth so much more than this craziness and right now, I am not seeing any end in sight. I have decided to give him until the end of the month and if no major improvement has been made, I will be asking him to leave and terminating the relationship. This is not recovery. It is not loving himself, not growing, allowing himself to be controlled by some twisted person and I refuse to emotionally go through that again. I hope he finds the wisdom inside himself to realize he doesn't have to go through it either.

Freedom1990

Melon, I am so sorry you are going through this.

The relationship with his "sponsor" is bizarre to say the least.

Wishing you nothing but the best in your future, dear.

dollydo

You are a patient lady, I hope that this all works out ok for you.

To be honest, your hubby seems to have some real "other" issues, hopefully, he will
be able to turn this all around.

melon1989

He sent me an email from his sponsor's house saying he will be spending the night there again. And asked me if I'd like him to do the laundry while he is there.... this is totally insane.