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Old 10-01-2011, 08:05 PM
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New Here

Hi My name is Jamie and apparently I am codependent. First off, I want to say how thankful I am to this site! I have been reading these posts for awhile now and I feel like I need to introduce myself. I have felt so alone....like I am the only person in the world who has had these crazy experiences living with an active addict. However, this site has helped open my eyes. I am not alone...

Second, I need some advice on how to handle enablers. I have worked really hard to get a grip on my enabling, however my soon to X in-laws are continuing to enable my AH. I can not image how hard it must be to have an addict child, but cushioning him from rock bottom does not seem like a good choice at this point.

Just last week, he got caught using and decided to go to rehab again. Since then, I have found out that he had my children in situations that I am not comfortable with, and I am filing for sole custody. His parents have told me that all he has left is the kids and that if I take them away they think he is going to kill himself. They are basically putting his chance for sobriety and LIFE on my shoulders! I wish they understood that I don't want to "take" them but, I do not want them growing up with a father that floats in and out of their lives. I want to protect them! I want the best for them and right now, he is not a sane, rational person.

Wow! That felt good! I have not said any of this out loud! I guess I just feel the weight of all this coming down on me. Thank you for listening!!!!

Jamie
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Old 10-02-2011, 03:43 AM
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Welcome. I too have found comfort on this site. Knowing I am not alone and that people are going through the EXACT same issues comforts me. I found this site very helpful and knowledgeable. I suggest keep praying, reading, and venting.

Are you in any therapy? ARe you children in therapy?

My in-laws cushion my husband as well. He is an adult addict child of an alcoholic mother. Not that it matters because as I learned on this site, drugs have no pecking order, but what is your husband using? How old are your children?

I have a 13 year old and an 18 year old. I told both of my children they are forbidden to go in the car with their father. I will not allow him to drive them. As of yesterday, seeing the disregard for them first hand, my children want nothing to do with their father. I had the locks changed yesterday. I asked the police officer I called out to the house if I was breaking the law. He replied "why are you breaking the law, you lost your wallet and your identification and house key were in there". :>) In my state if you change the locks it is against the law.
Keep a journal. I feel great peace in just venting in my journal whenever I need to.
Keep a log to of your husbands, calls, texts, threats, etc.
There is a post on here about suicide threats. Check it out. I received those as well. Like one person replied it was like 28 years after a suicide threat from her addict and he was still breathing.
You do what is best for your children. Your job is to protect them and yourself. I was an enabler for 19 years. No more. He needs to fall and hit his bottom. When he does he will get help. You can't control him. You can't cure him. You didn't cause his drug use. You need to set your personal boundaries and follow through with consequences. I am not sure what gender your children are but I was by our therapist gender specific children have a tendency to emulate gender specific parent. Son - Father, Daughter - Mother. Protect your children. Be the role model. Your children will respect you more for it.
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Old 10-02-2011, 03:47 AM
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Jamieeg welcome,

Glad you found us ! At least you now have a place to vent, share and get some advice. Not all the advice will work for your situation so take what works and leave the rest.

One of the first things you learn is you can only control you. And it seem you are doing it. If that means you get the blame from the parents or not does not matter, the will get the message in time.

We are all here for you, keep posting, keep sharing, keep hope.
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:04 AM
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Welcome to our little corner of the world!

His parents are in denial and attempting to shift the blame on you, rather than where it belongs, right smack on their sons shoulders. This is not unusual parent behavior as they are not in recovery themselves, recovery from codependency.

Don't let their words stop you from doing the right thing for you and your children. They do understand the reason, they just are trying to ignore it.

Keep your resolve, you are doing the responsible thing!
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:34 AM
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Welcome to SR. Jamie. I agree with Dolly, his parents are in denial and probably very afraid for him but as a parent myself who has been in their shoes, I can say they are very wrong to try to control this situation.

Protect yourself and your children. Nothing else matters, what anyone thinks does not matter. Do what you need to do to restore sanity to your home.

Hugs
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Old 10-02-2011, 07:21 AM
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Welcome to SR......it is nice to have a place to talk about issues with others who understand.

Although you can't control your parents, there is no harm in sending them a gift. Send them a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Maybe......just maybe....they'll read it and see themselves.

It is hard being the parent of an addict. The denial and desire to protect your offspring runs very deep and is hard to penetrate. If their son is in rehab right now and the facility has a family program, encourage them to go. That is where I "woke up" about my son. Recovering addicts and alcoholics got through to me when nothing and no one else could.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 10-02-2011, 11:52 AM
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Welcome to S.R.

Don't let anyone "guilt" you into believing that you are the one who can stop your AH's consequences of his addiction.

As a parent of 2 addicts, I can fully understand their denial.

Hopefully, in time, they will see the "light" and acknowledge that they are not responsible for the addict or his actions.


I am happy for you, and your children that you are moving forward.

hugs to you........
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Old 10-02-2011, 12:29 PM
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Thank you all for your replies! It is not nice to be heard, without being judged!

Familydestroyed: To answer your questions my kids are 2 and 3 (almost 4) and I have not put them in therapy yet. I was in therapy when all of this started and found Codependent No More, to be very helpful. It hurt to read it, but I learned a lot about myself. As for my husbands drug of choice, it sounds like it was pretty much whatever he could get his hands on, but he struggles the most with opiates, heroin especially. Although I just found out that he was also using meth...nice huh?!? I think his parents still think that he just smokes too much pot...what a joke!!
Thank you for the idea about journalling, I think I will start to do that. I am also going to look into therapy for my kids and myself. I like to think that he has not done that much damage, but when I slow down and really think about it, the weight of the destruction cripples me.

Dolly: His parents are deeply in denial. Which I can understand the want to think the best of your child, but I honestly think they think a lot of this is my fault. I finally had enough and kicked him out of the house. They blame his relapse on the fact that I filed for divorce and chose to move on. I know in my rational mind, that they are just deflecting, but it still hurts.

Thank you again for all of your kind words! I look forward to getting to know all of you

Jamie
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Old 10-02-2011, 01:13 PM
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Jamieeg-

I have been struggling with how my ex in laws and my loved ones family and friends think about his drinking. I had my mother in law who I adore tell me that I was going to Al-Anon for other drinking in my family because she did not think my ex had drinking problems. In the next phone call (he was living with her at the time) she told me how he was always out with this football league and coming home so late (his usual actions, and drinking was always involved). I think he, his family, his new wife all think I am the problem. When I start to believe that is when I get self-destructive to myself. When I can be a little more objective it is okay.

It has helped me to realize how easy it was for me not to see it, and for how long I did see it but did nothing about it to help myself. They are just not as far on the path of recovery as I am and that helps me to have compassion for all of us.

You are right though it still hurts very much, for me it can stir up my crazy making head of thinking well maybe it is not that bad, maybe I was wrong etc.

I don't have any words to offer to help, except time has helped me, Al-Anon meetings, individual counseling, distance etc. I am glad you are here.
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Old 10-02-2011, 10:37 PM
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Hi Jamie. And welcome.

It sounds like you are on a good path to protect yourself and your little ones.

Don't let his unstable family undermine your determination. They are as sick as he is. You can't change them anymore than you can change him. But you can miimize your contact with them.
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