swch

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, but have visited many times in the past. I recently seperated from my alcoholic husband. I have two boys, one in elementary school and one in middle school. I have been doing codependent counseling for two years. During this time, I realized how badly our family life had disintegrated over the last decade and decided that I needed to seperate myself and my boys from the alcoholism. My husband needs to work or not work on his problem by himself and the boys and I need to work on our codependency away from him. The boys and I had our first family counseling session last night and I'm impressed with the counselor. However, it also showed me that the damage to my children is much greater than I had realized. My middle schooler in particular is very affected and I'm looking for more information about codependency for children. I see a lot of reading material for adult children of alcoholics, but not much for preteens. If any of you have knowledge of specific books or programs that might be helpful, please let me know. Neither of my boys is ready for Alateen at this point, maybe after working with the therapist for a while.

Thanks!

dbh

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I commend you for doing this work and research!

I came across this site awhile ago while searching for recovery material for myself:

National Association for Children of Alcoholics

I really don't know anything about it, but it looks like there is good material there.

From my own experience, children (luckily) have more resilience than you think.

Best Wishes,

db

fedup3

Pat yourself on the back for being a great MOM! You didn't just freeze where you where at but did something positive for you and your kids, GOOD JOB! You already did the hardest part and that was stepping away.

I'm sure you will get more info here from people with younger kids who will help you with your question.

lillamy

Be patient.
That's what I tell myself.

I have kids your kids' ages, and have made much the same discovery. I found that once they started counseling, some things became rapidly better while some became rapidly worse. It was a little bit like opening the door to a closet where things have been jammed in for a lifetime, and everything just started spilling out uncontrollably. It was a mess.

I don't have any advice on where to find help -- there's no real functioning Alateen in my town, so I can't tell you about that, but for your middle schooler, that might be worth checking out.

I do think that your recovery helps provide you with tools that you can pass on to them. We talk a lot at my house about how "you're never responsible for someone else's feelings" and "it's OK to stand your ground on what you want even if other people don't like it" and things like that -- things that are easy for them to relate to in other relationships. It's hard for my kids to talk about their father -- but their codependency issues pop up in other relationships as well.

swch

Thanks everyone! Appreciate the pat on the back, it's hard not to second guess oneself sometimes when you're a codependent, so your replies are great reinforcement.

db, I checked out that website and there was some really great stuff there. Just what I was looking for, so thanks so much for posting the link.

trapeze

When I became happy again, my son got better.

catlovermi

I think it's very important to facilitate kids feeling empowered, to not perpetuate an emotional milieu of control or victimhood, especially in middle school agers.

Have you offered your older son individual counseling sessions where he is free to work through stuff and learn independently of you, in the session?

If so, perhaps the counselor could encourage him toward more educational materials, rather than you. At this age, kids hate being told what they are going to do, or learn, etc. The more ownership he has, the more he will embrace his own changes.

Sending encouragement!

CLMI

skippernlilg

I have one son, middle schooler, who has been affected by alcoholism. I, too, am an ACOA, and my RABF and I have also decided to work on our recovery separately.

After counseling, what I did was immerse ourselves in our interests and successes. Finding your sons' strengths and niches where they can make their individual successes is a nice start. My son, for instance, just started baseball. We never could before, because we were so tied up in alcoholism before. He's not that great an athlete in general, but watching him grow and learn in the sport is a true joy. When I see him trotting in and out of the dugoutwith a huge smile on his face between innings, it makes my heart sing!!

My son is also a champion Chess player, and he succeeds well in that sport. I know enough to play him, but it's not my gig. The fact that I cheer him on in something I know so little about, that's completely HIS, means a lot to him.

We still struggle with his and my anxiety. My son is a perfectionist at school and gets anxious if he feels he is not making a high enough A in his pre-AP courses. Seriously, he gets upset at a 98. So, we are working on more spontaneity within the confines of a regularly scheduled life.

I feel confident we'll strike a balance soon. I haven't sought out any more sources than our therapy and then just general reading ACOA material and my own Al-anon meetings. I will be watching this thread to see if there are more great ideas we may also use in our journey.

And thank you. This is a great subject!

StarCat

Ah, the perfectionist. I know this well, I'm one, too.
Although in my case, my mother was the one who freaked out when I would bring home a 98 (I have a very vivid memory of confusing one word with another on a 50-question vocabulary test), so my learned response has been that anything less than perfect may as well be completely wrong.

I've been working through it, but it takes time. Sometimes it helps to go through and learn that sometimes mistakes can actually be good things.

Penicillin was a mistake. The glue on the back of post-it notes was a mistake. Silly putty was a mistake.

Also, something that always fascinated me were those gorgeous expensive Persian rugs. Did you know that the weavers of those rugs believed that to make a perfect rug was an insult to God, so they'd intentionally make a mistake to make sure that it wasn't perfect? These rugs can sell for thousands of dollars, mistake and all.

Mistakes are not a bad thing, and making a mistake only means I'm human. (Easier said than believed, of course, but I'm working on it.)