Just a question - how many have children of ex addicts that are now addicts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Just a question - how many have children of ex addicts that are now addicts?
Okay, I seem to be seeing a theme lately of posters who have ex-spouses that were addicts. Now those people have children that are addicts? Is my 2 1/2 year old "doomed"? Oh my, I know I need to live for the day, but that is one worry that is filling my mind as I read stories from some of you that have ex's and now children that are struggling.
Please share some success stories to raise my spirits!
Please share some success stories to raise my spirits!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
I would love some success stories, too. I am battling dealing with the impending separation with my AH and we have 13 and 11 year old sons. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know ultimately my children are God's and I trust God, but it seems so often that the children end up with the addiction even after the parent's separate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
I would also like to hear some success stories. Hopefully ones that include separating from your AH and your children turned out great! Our therapist said my son is very vulnerable if his father is in the picture right now, at a breaking point. I am doing everything in my power to eliminate that man from our lives until he is clean.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
This is a subject I worry about...I don't want my daughters to be caught up in the same cycle as my exah. I'm looking for hope too. I pray over my daughters daily and know they are in God's hands ultimately.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Whether the child has contact with the A or not does not seem to make a difference.
Personal example. My sister and I both grew up with the same parents, a heavy drinking possibly Alcoholic father and a Valium popping mother. There is addiction in both sides of the family.
I ended up an alcoholic/addict. My sister did not. She can actually go out with friends and take or leave having a glass of wine with the meal, rofl Go figure.
My mother's brother is an Alcoholic as was my Aunt. Their oldest daughter, is an A, sober now quite a while, their middle daughter has no problem with alcohol or drugs, and the youngest, a son, had a 'short' sprint in college where he over indulged. However, his oldest daughter is a heroin addict.
And I could go on and on of other actual families I have seen and worked with.
So, maybe instead of 'awfulizing' about 'the future' be the best EXAMPLE you can be for your child(ren) today, teach your child(ren) the best values you can, and ..................... the rest is up to the individual child.
Does the 'tendency' for addiction run in families? I believe there is something there. Researchers, looking in the 'gene string' call it the "X FACTOR", my oldest nephew, an MD that was specializing in treating the 'health problems of A's", has for the last 5 years gone into totally doing research on ............................... the 'unknown X factor of addiction.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Personal example. My sister and I both grew up with the same parents, a heavy drinking possibly Alcoholic father and a Valium popping mother. There is addiction in both sides of the family.
I ended up an alcoholic/addict. My sister did not. She can actually go out with friends and take or leave having a glass of wine with the meal, rofl Go figure.
My mother's brother is an Alcoholic as was my Aunt. Their oldest daughter, is an A, sober now quite a while, their middle daughter has no problem with alcohol or drugs, and the youngest, a son, had a 'short' sprint in college where he over indulged. However, his oldest daughter is a heroin addict.
And I could go on and on of other actual families I have seen and worked with.
So, maybe instead of 'awfulizing' about 'the future' be the best EXAMPLE you can be for your child(ren) today, teach your child(ren) the best values you can, and ..................... the rest is up to the individual child.
Does the 'tendency' for addiction run in families? I believe there is something there. Researchers, looking in the 'gene string' call it the "X FACTOR", my oldest nephew, an MD that was specializing in treating the 'health problems of A's", has for the last 5 years gone into totally doing research on ............................... the 'unknown X factor of addiction.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
My parents did not have any substance abuse or addiction issues. My sister is a recovered addict and she raised her kids in a drug infested environment. One of her kids is an addict now and one of her kids is not. I agree with laurie6781.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"Work the program you wish they would"
I just posted that a couple of minutes ago in another thread. Guess it's going to be that kind of day.
If a codie spouse/parent isn't working the program they wish their addicted spouse would, then it's probable the sober codie parent will continue enabling elsewhere. Children are the logical next choice.
Disclaimer:
I'm not an active addict as demonstrated by these forums, haven't ever been, nor has my husband. But we both have addiction in our genes which naturally gives us addictive personalities.
I was in therapy during my children's formative years (0-6) and all was well. When my daughter reached puberty I was not prepared for raging hormones and wild mood swings. I did not seek help, I tried to control her in typical codie fashion. I ended up enabling like crazy and here I am, with a 23 year old recovering IV addict.
I did not cause her addiction, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I most certainly contributed to it by not seeking help for myself and her.
I just posted that a couple of minutes ago in another thread. Guess it's going to be that kind of day.
If a codie spouse/parent isn't working the program they wish their addicted spouse would, then it's probable the sober codie parent will continue enabling elsewhere. Children are the logical next choice.
Disclaimer:
I'm not an active addict as demonstrated by these forums, haven't ever been, nor has my husband. But we both have addiction in our genes which naturally gives us addictive personalities.
I was in therapy during my children's formative years (0-6) and all was well. When my daughter reached puberty I was not prepared for raging hormones and wild mood swings. I did not seek help, I tried to control her in typical codie fashion. I ended up enabling like crazy and here I am, with a 23 year old recovering IV addict.
I did not cause her addiction, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I most certainly contributed to it by not seeking help for myself and her.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
My mom is a drug addict, and my dad is a drug addict/alcoholic. I'm not an addict or alcoholic. I do have problems with codpendency, which I probably learned from growing up with a drug addict mother (my father was never around). Some of my relatives are addicts/alcoholics, and some are not. My RABF is an addict and his parents weren't. My RABF has two step-daughters, one is an addict, one isn't.
My personal opinion is that I think there is some genetic component of alcoholism on my dad's side of the family. However, it still comes down to an individual situation. I agree that the best is to just raise your family and not worry about it. All kids need the same things regardless of their genetics.
My personal opinion is that I think there is some genetic component of alcoholism on my dad's side of the family. However, it still comes down to an individual situation. I agree that the best is to just raise your family and not worry about it. All kids need the same things regardless of their genetics.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
No you 2 1/2 year old is not doomed. Even if he/she inherited a genetic predisposition, nothing is written in stone. There are alcoholics in my husband's family (husband's brother, cousins, uncle) but not in mine. One of our children is an addict, the other is not. It's possible it could have gone either way with either child, but it simply worked out the way that it did.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My mother and father are/were alcoholics. I have a half brother, same mother different fathers. Neither of us are alcoholics or addicts, however neither of us have children,by choice. My mother, after she divorced my father married a cheater (my brothers dad) and then a roaring alcoholic, as children, we lived in hell and both are still living our childhoods, today. We both have made bad relationship decisions, married or lived with addicts/alcoholics, that is all we knew.
I consider both of us to be a success story, because we are not addicted, although we both inherited the predispostion to become one. We are aware, we choose not to drink or drug.
Is your child doomed, no, however, I believe that living in a toxic addictive enviorment makes it difficult at best.
Just my two cents.
I consider both of us to be a success story, because we are not addicted, although we both inherited the predispostion to become one. We are aware, we choose not to drink or drug.
Is your child doomed, no, however, I believe that living in a toxic addictive enviorment makes it difficult at best.
Just my two cents.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
A friend recently pointed me in this direction when I was caught up in worry... or as Laurie calls it "awfulizing".
Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
This is what I try to focus on when I start worrying.
KC[/QUOTE]
Thank you for this post!!!! I do "awfulizing" a lot - thank you for pointing me to this verse.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
This is what I try to focus on when I start worrying.
KC[/QUOTE]
Thank you for this post!!!! I do "awfulizing" a lot - thank you for pointing me to this verse.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
I heard Dr. Drew Pinsky explain addiction as.....
Genetic predisposition meets environmental opportunity = addiction
It was in response to parents of a young adult male that was a star on one of those Jersey Shore "type" reality shows.
If you have the genetic component and you have a few drinks, smoke weed, take pills, snort coke....etc........your brain says "go" and you are off and running.
In this guy's case...he was on a show where they plied them with alcohol and encouraged them to drink. They were paid to show up at nightclubs to "party".
This guy had the genetics....and the show provided the environment and he became an alcoholic and proceeded to drugs.
Dr. Drew went on to say that most kids try drugs as teens. Environmental opportunity shows up....at a time in their life when they are not adults yet.
Parents don't know what hit them, they stay in denial. And on it goes.
It typically starts with drinking and kids don't understand why they can't stop. They just think they are having fun.
He suggested that all parents learn as much about drugs as they can and talk early and often about it with their children. With special emphasis where a known possibility of genetic predisposition exists. And the importance of not drinking, or if they do...what can happen and steps to take to get it stopped.
I think the trick to ending the cycle is knowledge.
Genetic predisposition meets environmental opportunity = addiction
It was in response to parents of a young adult male that was a star on one of those Jersey Shore "type" reality shows.
If you have the genetic component and you have a few drinks, smoke weed, take pills, snort coke....etc........your brain says "go" and you are off and running.
In this guy's case...he was on a show where they plied them with alcohol and encouraged them to drink. They were paid to show up at nightclubs to "party".
This guy had the genetics....and the show provided the environment and he became an alcoholic and proceeded to drugs.
Dr. Drew went on to say that most kids try drugs as teens. Environmental opportunity shows up....at a time in their life when they are not adults yet.
Parents don't know what hit them, they stay in denial. And on it goes.
It typically starts with drinking and kids don't understand why they can't stop. They just think they are having fun.
He suggested that all parents learn as much about drugs as they can and talk early and often about it with their children. With special emphasis where a known possibility of genetic predisposition exists. And the importance of not drinking, or if they do...what can happen and steps to take to get it stopped.
I think the trick to ending the cycle is knowledge.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I agree with laurie and those who say that there is a genetic predisposition. Addiction/alcoholism runs in my husband's family...not mine though. My son is an addict. My other two children aren't. My husband's mom and brother had it but his other two sisters didn't.
Had I known what I know now, I would have sat my children down at an early age and explained all about it and that it runs in our family. I'd tell them that they were at higher risk than most so 'don't ever touch any of the stuff just to be on the safe side.' I plan to do that with my granddaughter. I will explain to her that it is like an allergen. Some people seem to be allergic and some don't but there is a very high probability that it could happen to her if she ever touches the stuff simply because of our family history. I'll tell her NEVER to try it, even once. I'll warn her about prescription drugs as well.
It may not have done any good but with my son I never even suspected it because I had no experience with it and I didn't even know to look for it. I wish I would have known and had the attitude that "This family can never take an alcoholic drink or an addictive drug EVER." It just wasn't on my radar even though my husband's mom was an alcoholic most of her life and his brother was an addict. I never connected the dots that that meant my children could be at risk.
I feel a little dumb now but I just didn't know. My grandchildren will definitely know though. It might not do any good but at least I'll try....
Kari
Had I known what I know now, I would have sat my children down at an early age and explained all about it and that it runs in our family. I'd tell them that they were at higher risk than most so 'don't ever touch any of the stuff just to be on the safe side.' I plan to do that with my granddaughter. I will explain to her that it is like an allergen. Some people seem to be allergic and some don't but there is a very high probability that it could happen to her if she ever touches the stuff simply because of our family history. I'll tell her NEVER to try it, even once. I'll warn her about prescription drugs as well.
It may not have done any good but with my son I never even suspected it because I had no experience with it and I didn't even know to look for it. I wish I would have known and had the attitude that "This family can never take an alcoholic drink or an addictive drug EVER." It just wasn't on my radar even though my husband's mom was an alcoholic most of her life and his brother was an addict. I never connected the dots that that meant my children could be at risk.
I feel a little dumb now but I just didn't know. My grandchildren will definitely know though. It might not do any good but at least I'll try....
Kari
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Enjoy your children today. Be the best parent you can....today. Understand addiction and codependency today. And pray. They are not doomed.
Imagine if we said "I had breast cancer so my daughter is doomed to have breast cancer." We don't do that--it would cause a daughter live in a state of fear. We say "I had breast cancer so my daughter needs to be aware and informed." I believe we should do the same when speaking about addiction or alcoholism.
gentle hugs
ke
Imagine if we said "I had breast cancer so my daughter is doomed to have breast cancer." We don't do that--it would cause a daughter live in a state of fear. We say "I had breast cancer so my daughter needs to be aware and informed." I believe we should do the same when speaking about addiction or alcoholism.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
I am the child of an addict. I did not grow up around the addiction at all, and i am not an addict, but a RAGING codependent raised me. My mom is controlling, manipulative, isolated, cynical and just really miserable to be around, so while your child may not become an addict, he/she sure does have a high chance of being a Codie.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Hi.
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. I'm not an addict/alcoholic, but have/had codependency and tons of other ACA issues that I had to deal with in my adult life.
My children are 8 and 11 and I'm also nervous that they might have addiction issues when they grow-up. It was awful having an alcoholic father, but I think it would be 1000x worse to watch my children live a life like that.
So, what I'm doing now is working on my own recovery and seeing a therapist when I need help getting through things. I hoping that having a healthy mom and a stable home environment will reduce their odds.
In my own family of origin, my mom divorced my alcoholic father while we were still pretty young, but never dealt with her own issues. So our household was still pretty dysfunctional even without my father. There were three of us and although we struggle with various things, none of us have addiction issues.
Enjoy this time with your child! It goes by so quickly.
I'm off to read bedtime stories ....
Warm Regards,
db
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. I'm not an addict/alcoholic, but have/had codependency and tons of other ACA issues that I had to deal with in my adult life.
My children are 8 and 11 and I'm also nervous that they might have addiction issues when they grow-up. It was awful having an alcoholic father, but I think it would be 1000x worse to watch my children live a life like that.
So, what I'm doing now is working on my own recovery and seeing a therapist when I need help getting through things. I hoping that having a healthy mom and a stable home environment will reduce their odds.
In my own family of origin, my mom divorced my alcoholic father while we were still pretty young, but never dealt with her own issues. So our household was still pretty dysfunctional even without my father. There were three of us and although we struggle with various things, none of us have addiction issues.
Enjoy this time with your child! It goes by so quickly.
I'm off to read bedtime stories ....
Warm Regards,
db
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
The male child of a male alcoholic has a 50% chance of being an alcoholic. Numerous studies have confirmed this. Kids who get drunk before the age of 15 have a 300% greater chance of being alcoholic when they are an adult.
Here is what I am going to do as a project with my kids (age 11 and 13). Have them each make a family tree going back 3 generations. Each alcoholic gets colored red. Each borderline alcoholic gets colored yellow. Each non-alcoholic gets colored green. Each alcoholic gets a symbol next to their name for the consequences of their drinking: death, jail, legal, joblessness, etc. We have it all in spades on both sides.
Talk about alcoholism as if it were an allergy, or diabetes, and how they have to really watch themselves if they don't want to end up as another red leaf on the tree.
Here is what I am going to do as a project with my kids (age 11 and 13). Have them each make a family tree going back 3 generations. Each alcoholic gets colored red. Each borderline alcoholic gets colored yellow. Each non-alcoholic gets colored green. Each alcoholic gets a symbol next to their name for the consequences of their drinking: death, jail, legal, joblessness, etc. We have it all in spades on both sides.
Talk about alcoholism as if it were an allergy, or diabetes, and how they have to really watch themselves if they don't want to end up as another red leaf on the tree.
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