steve1840

i know what i have to do, but i am only trying to find ways to do it that i feel comfortable with.

the situation is that i have done a pretty good job at keeping distance over the past month. i have been feeling ok, which is why i haven't been around. things were moving forward for me. she was doing her own thing with this new boyfriend so i was not having much attempts at contact. about a week ago she called and i later called back, figuring that i am working on recovery and she's covered in that she has a place and all, so what could be the harm. she proceeded to say things were ok, but new guy but that she was doing good with the addiction. i dont take those things at face value and figured something more may be going on. then she starts with the - i'm only with him to have a place to stay, that she likes him but feels she has to be w me.

ok, thats nice. i'll talk to you later.

the other day i got the call that they broke up, things are bad between him and his family and she cant stay and wants me to get her and let her stay w me fora short while. i froze, almost literally. and instead of saying outright no, i said i need time to think. she has translated that as me going down and letting her stay. so i have to be frank with her finally and say no. i dont hate her, but i cant do it. not for me. not for my niece. i guess i havent been in therapy long enough to feel confident in saying no, so i am figuring out how. i was going to send an email spelling everything out and then end up getting the call from her.

to be honest, i was reluctant to even post. but i am taking a chance by doing it. while i appreciate peoples frustrations and all about me, i am not really looking for any bashing. i realize why i would have been better off going no contact. but it is what it is and i knowthis can be the end. so i am only looking for a way to not feel guilty or bad saying no.

i dont know if she is using or how much if so,. it seems like she is better than she had been. but i do know that she is not getting any help dealing with addiction and what she was doing during it, so i figure all the addictive patterns are still there. plus. i cant let her come back to live in a place 10 minutes from the heart of darkness. to me that is setting it up for disaster.

so what ever i do i have to do tonight.

Justlizzyd

Steve - I understand where you are at about not being able to say the word "No". I too am at that point. It's not easy for me as I have been a "yes woman" most of my adult life. It's hard but don't beat yourself. Soooo all I can say is that I understand and can relate. I have no words of advise but wanted you to know that there are folks on this board that can relate.

laurie6781

No bashing here.

However, go READ ALL YOUR OLD THREADS.

Nothing has changed and nothing will change until you go NO CONTACT FOR GOOD.

Take a BIG BLACK MAGIC MARKER and WRITE on the Mirror you look into when you shave, brush your teeth, wash up, IN BIG BOLD LETTERS:


I CANNOT HELP xxxxxxxxxxx (INSERT NAME)

Maybe that will help you to help yourself.

Until then, you will continue to be in the exact turmoil you have just posted about.

BTW NO is a complete sentence. No explanation needed. Just "NO" and hang up. Rude maybe, but she has and is rude to you all the time, EXPECTING YOU TO PICK UP AND CLEAN UP HER MESS.

Love and hugs,

Chino

It's supposed to hurt when we break bad habits or we're not doing it right.

kiki5711

?? who is your niece and what has she got to do with this woman?

you lost me there Steve.

YearForMe

The part about not getting help is the deal breaker that you can grab onto.

You did a really great thing by saying you had to think.

Not for her...but for you.

Personally....I think it's quite powerful to go back and say "I thought about it and the answer is no"

No other explanation is needed.

I don't know your circumstances as I am new to this board. But I'm a 17 year veteran of being the mother of an adult daughter addicted to meth.

I have a hard time being the bad guy...I think all codependents struggle with that....so, my sponsor and therapist gave me permission to use them as the bad guys.

Example: I'm trying to work on my codependent issues and on the advice of my sponsor and my therapist.......the answer needs to be no.

NO OTHER EXPLANATION

Kindeyes

Steve
I see you've read "The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One".

That little rush we feel when we're contacted by the addict is adrenaline. It's our fight or flight response kicking in. The response of "let me think about it" was ok. It gives you time to let that adrenaline rush back down a bit.

Codependence is just another word for addiction.

gentle hugs
ke

steve1840

whew-

i thought i was going to get slammed. thank you for kind support.

kiki- the story with my niece is that i pretty much raised her until she was in high school when she lived with her dad and step mom, which was also a good environment. but it was different and they just werent all working out living together so i allowed her to move into the in-law room in my house back in november. she is 20. my gf was already living with me pretty much full time and after a month or so tensions started to rise between them. gf stayed elsewhere most of nov and all of dec, then was back around jan-may. tensions onand off until gf moved. i never knew how bad it was for my niece until after gf moved, but we have been good again and i dont want to possible disturb her peace by letting gf back in. i dont know how gf really is these days, but i feel that things will just fall back the way they were.

gf is expecting me this wknd and i am seeing therapist tomorrow morning. i am ok not being in a relationship with her, i am ok not having contact (at least for certain amounts of time) but i am never ok saying no and feeling like i do when i do say it.

hopeful0323

Steve:
About two months ago I made a rule for myself and my kids. I promised myself if I stick to nothing else I will stick to this one rule: I will not allow my exabf to be living with us again until he is at least one year sober, working and supporting his kids. And who knows, by the time that happens I may not ever want to live with him again. He has come to me many times with the same types of sob stories that your gf is giving you, and although I felt bad saying it and even regretted it at times. I said no! For the first time in 2 years I said no to something.

dollydo

Steve, she is not your girlfriend, she an addict who prostitutes herself. I agree with Anvil, this is what you have waiting for, a call, to go rescue her.

This is very simple....NO, I am done, do not contact me again.

suki44883

Why on God's green earth do you call this woman your girlfriend?????? She's no ones girlfriend; she moves from man to man to man until she has sucked them all dry. No dictionary in the world would list that as the definition of girlfriend. She's kept you on a long string, with just enough contact so that you'd behave and be there for her when all her other options ran out. And, true to form, she is out of options where she is, so she starts in with the "I need to be with you garbage" because she knows you'll fall for it hook, line and sinker, because you always do. And, true to form, here you are asking how to let her down gently because you don't want to hurt her. Geez.

I'm with Anvil...go get the woman, move her back into your home and live with the distruction, chaos, heartbreak and misery. Nothing we say makes any difference anyway. I'm done with this ridiculous situation.

Chino

You will be ok with it someday but you have to start somewhere. Might as well be today.

kiki5711

Oh, ok, thanks Steve for explaining.

By the way, do you and your niece discuss this "tormented" situation? What does your niece think of this so called "girlfriend"?

Hanna

Would you feel better saying "I'm afraid that won't be possible" instead of just "No"?

Because it isn't possible. Keep that in your head. If since it isn't possible, what is there for you to feel guilty about?

When first learning to say no, I found it easier to use this phrasing. I also find it easier when I don't provide the reasons, because they can argue with reasons. With this phrasing, they are less prone to asking for details. They don't think "oh he said no, but could change his mind." They tend to move on to searching for another way to get what they want, elsewhere.

If she then asks you why, you say "because it isn't possible." No more discussion, no more details.

steve1840

i used the term girlfriend because that is what she was to me and just as a reference. i guess i could have said xgf, person i know, alo, whatever.

perhaps i did not make it clear enough in my first post so i will repeat that i am not going to get her, but that i was seeking help in saying no. i get the frustration that some of you get with me, because i am equally as frustrated by the rescuing notion. the issues is NOT me wanting to rescue and live a fairy tale. maybe the issue is me saying no. maybe i havent been waiting for the call to rescue her. if i was, wouldn't it be easier for me to have just gone and gotten her and not try to talk about it here at the one place i am supposed to be able to talk about. i mean, i could see if i did it and then complained about it, or if i was saying i was thinking about it, but i am asking for suggestions about how not to do it. the issue all along has been my inability to say no. no where did i ask if i should go or not.

kiki- my niece and i talk all the time. she never really liked her from years ago. nor did my mom, and so on.

Ann

Steve, something that helped me say no to my son was to remind him that he has many choices out there...shelters, rehabs, detox, meetings where someone may line him up with sober living. You see, I could no longer live with his addiction and I was not his only choice...I was not even a good one.

When I remind him of his choices, and he chooses to use instead, that confirms to me that living at home would have been a nightmare.

How about "Sorry, but I can give you the number for a rehab" (the Salvation Army rehabs are very good and free), or for detox and they can line you up with a recovery plan..." See how this works?

Good luck, hope this works out for you however you play it.

milo88

Hey steve1840, I remember your old posts and I actually think you've come a long way! It's great that you are actually feeling your feelings and showing some respect for them/yourself.
She is using you, it's very clear, there's no need to feel any guilt. If anything she should feel guilty about what she's done/is doing to you. Try to remember that.
In my own situation I learned a lot from my addicted ex. I had always been a pretty disempowered person as a result of things in my past, but he taught me (in the hardest way) to have a voice.
The way I know nowadays that he loved me was that when I finally said to him I have to go no contact, he said to me, "You're not getting harder, you're getting wiser."
Don't think she doesn't know what she does to you, Steve. She does. Be strong!

dollydo

I wish I could agree and say you have come along way, but, I can't. Recently, you didn't answer her calls, now you are back to answering her calls and getting all involved in her mess. There shouldn't have been any doubt in your mind, just say NO and DO NOT
answer her calls.

You started posting here 2 years ago, posting the same stuff over and over again. We, who responded, have used every word known to man to help you and we have accomplished nothing, zero, nada.

For my part, it is getting old, why do I keep trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped? The obvious answer is...I am a codie...I am, now, letting you go, I am detaching, I too, am going no contact...I am done.

Seren

It's sad to hear that you keep buying a ticket on this ride, Steve. I feel for you, I really do. There is no way anyone here can convince you that you have no obligation to protect her or her feelings. She has certainly never done the same for you........

Good luck. Hugs, HG

shockozulu

Steve, when I decided to go from no contact to limited contact with my mother, I laid down some boundaries. After several times when she tested me and I got up and left she then realized I was serious and stopped testing as she did want to see me. In the end, she chose to support me in my recovery which shocked me as she had been in denial about her own addiction much less mine. I have fond memories of sitting in her room reading recovery literature. Sadly I lost my mother last month to mid-stage Huntington's disease but if I hadn't laid out those boundaries I wouldn't have any fond memories at all.

When she asked why I put down those boundaries I was frank and honest. I told her I was in a recovery program and it had taught me that I did not need to put myself in a position where I am hurting myself. I *blamed* the program (Al-Anon) for my actions.

Good luck setting boundaries.