People being rude in recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
Hello there 
Sorry to hear this story! Thats too bad about what that person said. If anything they had no right to say something like that out loud. I've been to many meetings where some people don't show up until the actual speaker is up and speaking and some people do run late sometimes and no one seems to mind and if they do they keep it to themselves. It's good your contacting your sponsor to left them know how you feel and how hurt you got from that. If anything the right thing to do is talk to this person. Let them know how hurt you got because Im sure you didn't mean to be late and even so 1 minute is nothing. At least you didn't come in rudely and such right? If you came in and were making noise and being distracting to a point of being rude then I understand but even then AA members need to know when to keep their mouths shut because who knows when someone who is showing up a bit late might be a newcomer. I hope you settle that situation Because honestly that was very rude of that person to say that for you to hear. It's stuff like that person said that can cause a newcomer or returning member of AA to walk out and drink. There are many sick people out there who want to be sober but if they come in the room and someone is rude and says something like that it can have bad effects. I pray you do alright and make sure you stay strong. I myself am a month and a week sober and things have been going really well lately and something in me has changed for good. I feel different and it's not my first attempt at staying sober. Been an AA member for 3 years and only getting a month at a time of being sober but something has changed me for the better good. hope to hear all is going well and stay strong
Sorry to hear this story! Thats too bad about what that person said. If anything they had no right to say something like that out loud. I've been to many meetings where some people don't show up until the actual speaker is up and speaking and some people do run late sometimes and no one seems to mind and if they do they keep it to themselves. It's good your contacting your sponsor to left them know how you feel and how hurt you got from that. If anything the right thing to do is talk to this person. Let them know how hurt you got because Im sure you didn't mean to be late and even so 1 minute is nothing. At least you didn't come in rudely and such right? If you came in and were making noise and being distracting to a point of being rude then I understand but even then AA members need to know when to keep their mouths shut because who knows when someone who is showing up a bit late might be a newcomer. I hope you settle that situation Because honestly that was very rude of that person to say that for you to hear. It's stuff like that person said that can cause a newcomer or returning member of AA to walk out and drink. There are many sick people out there who want to be sober but if they come in the room and someone is rude and says something like that it can have bad effects. I pray you do alright and make sure you stay strong. I myself am a month and a week sober and things have been going really well lately and something in me has changed for good. I feel different and it's not my first attempt at staying sober. Been an AA member for 3 years and only getting a month at a time of being sober but something has changed me for the better good. hope to hear all is going well and stay strong 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 38
People being rude in recovery
My name is alaina and i have a little over 30 days sober. I did have 7 months sober and went back out.
I have been trying out different meetings closer to home and i walked into one that i had been to about 3 times before and i was 1 min late. I walked in and this a**hole looked up at me and said "i ******* hate that ****" ..as he said that the guy across from him attempted to settle him down. I went to the back and sat down praying that i would not leave the meeting because of one "sick" person. I got too teary eyed and left. Feelings hurt i left ranting and raving in the parking lot to a friend of mine. I called my sponsor and we will be going back tomorrow together. For the time being i just needed to cool off. THIS ISNT GOOD FOR ME. I USED to get mad at people in meetings and leave then not go back for weeks. This happened last night...im still a little bitter but im praying and talking to others
I have been trying out different meetings closer to home and i walked into one that i had been to about 3 times before and i was 1 min late. I walked in and this a**hole looked up at me and said "i ******* hate that ****" ..as he said that the guy across from him attempted to settle him down. I went to the back and sat down praying that i would not leave the meeting because of one "sick" person. I got too teary eyed and left. Feelings hurt i left ranting and raving in the parking lot to a friend of mine. I called my sponsor and we will be going back tomorrow together. For the time being i just needed to cool off. THIS ISNT GOOD FOR ME. I USED to get mad at people in meetings and leave then not go back for weeks. This happened last night...im still a little bitter but im praying and talking to others
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 292
Originally Posted by alaina02 
My name is alaina and i have a little over 30 days sober. I did have 7 months sober and went back out.
I have been trying out different meetings closer to home and i walked into one that i had been to about 3 times before and i was 1 min late. I walked in and this a**hole looked up at me and said "i ******* hate that ****" ..as he said that the guy across from him attempted to settle him down. I went to the back and sat down praying that i would not leave the meeting because of one "sick" person. I got too teary eyed and left. Feelings hurt i left ranting and raving in the parking lot to a friend of mine. I called my sponsor and we will be going back tomorrow together. For the time being i just needed to cool off. THIS ISNT GOOD FOR ME. I USED to get mad at people in meetings and leave then not go back for weeks. This happened last night...im still a little bitter but im praying and talking to others
I have been trying out different meetings closer to home and i walked into one that i had been to about 3 times before and i was 1 min late. I walked in and this a**hole looked up at me and said "i ******* hate that ****" ..as he said that the guy across from him attempted to settle him down. I went to the back and sat down praying that i would not leave the meeting because of one "sick" person. I got too teary eyed and left. Feelings hurt i left ranting and raving in the parking lot to a friend of mine. I called my sponsor and we will be going back tomorrow together. For the time being i just needed to cool off. THIS ISNT GOOD FOR ME. I USED to get mad at people in meetings and leave then not go back for weeks. This happened last night...im still a little bitter but im praying and talking to others
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 38
Thanks i had a lot of people on my side that said they would find someone to talk to him. I will NOT talk to him personally every again. We do NOT have to like everybody in there and after that hateful thing he said right to my face....i wont be attending that group again unless i go with my sponsor! however its a good day to be SOBER!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Welcome to SR!
At 30 days your hp is giving you an opportunity to let go...when someone is like that, leave them be. Learn to give that to your hp! Some people are sicker than others. Pages 66-67 of the big book. Sponsor needs to suggest that. If you hold your resentment, you're hurting Only
you! Keep coming back!
At 30 days your hp is giving you an opportunity to let go...when someone is like that, leave them be. Learn to give that to your hp! Some people are sicker than others. Pages 66-67 of the big book. Sponsor needs to suggest that. If you hold your resentment, you're hurting Only
you! Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by alaina02
Thanks i had a lot of people on my side that said they would find someone to talk to him. I will NOT talk to him personally every again. We do NOT have to like everybody in there and after that hateful thing he said right to my face....i wont be attending that group again unless i go with my sponsor! however its a good day to be SOBER!
I'm sorry this happened to you, but we are all at different places in our recovery when we walk in those doors. As is said, some are sicker than others. Seems you already know that you should not let one person keep you away. Good for you.
Now, is it really about sides? Worry about your recovery, and allow this man the opportunity to do the same. Might do you some good for your own growth to go to that meeting without your sponsor. I dunno.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
Hi,
I am always late for AA meetings because I am very anxious about talking to people. I have had people in AA compomise my anonymity; and I have had many people ask me pointed questions that make me uncomfortable. And I was just sitting one or two chairs over.
The solution is: get over it. Get over people making you uncomfortable.
The problem is: this is one of the main reasons why I drink. I am an alcolholic, but I also have some quirks. I walk in quietly. I suppose it looks like I'm rude, but I have my reasons.
AA can't seem to accept that some people don't want to spill their guts to strangers and talk in front of large crowds. It's not therapeutic to me.
This post is way off track; I'm sorry!
I am always late for AA meetings because I am very anxious about talking to people. I have had people in AA compomise my anonymity; and I have had many people ask me pointed questions that make me uncomfortable. And I was just sitting one or two chairs over.
The solution is: get over it. Get over people making you uncomfortable.
The problem is: this is one of the main reasons why I drink. I am an alcolholic, but I also have some quirks. I walk in quietly. I suppose it looks like I'm rude, but I have my reasons.
AA can't seem to accept that some people don't want to spill their guts to strangers and talk in front of large crowds. It's not therapeutic to me.
This post is way off track; I'm sorry!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I wouldn't ignore him. Say hello with sincere honesty. Treat him as you would a sick person- with compassion, love, and care & concern. Otherwise you and your "friends" would be playing the Higher Power role, our job is to listen to our HP and be employed by that same HP. Get into the program of AA, don't fight it. I didn't get sober to be a jerk to someone else who is having a hard time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
You are getting fantastic advice from everyone else that has posted--I would just add that when I am feeling vulnerable, I react the same way you did to the rudeness and would have done the exact same thing. I know it's not the right way to handle it, but I just want you to know, next time those tears well up in response to someone's rude attitude know that I'm sending hugs your way and telling you to stay strong and don't let them bring you down AND more importantly, don't let them ruin the meeting you are there for!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I'm sorry you are hurting. It's hard for us, after we screw up enough courage and determination to go to a recovery meeting, to be "welcomed" with less than open arms.
Sometimes I am secretly searching for reasons to stay away, and even searching for reasons to use. I tell myself that things have to be this way...or I am staying home next time. Or that I can handle situations A,B, C & D, but if E or F happen, I'm going to HAVE to use.
This is why I now have a program, to learn to get honest, live honest, and take responsibility for my own life and choices. I like to blame everyone else for my behavior.
Here is something to think about, someone screws up the courage to go to a meeting, they just had the worst day in sobriety they've ever had, they wanted to use, they wanted to scream, cry, rant at their boss, dog, girlfriend, guy in the car next to them, it feels like their world is falling apart, their sobriety is at stake. They want to go home and isolate, but they know their best bet is to get to a meeting. They make the effort to get there, and find a seat. It's all they can do to stay sitting there, and not leave and head to the convenience store for a 12 pack. Someone walk in late...and all they can think of is how much effort it took them to get there ON TIME, and stay there, in spite of everything. They snap, say something rude, they aren't even paying attention to who it is, they have no clue why that person is late, and they don't care because they are caught up in their own issues.
One of the first things I learned in recovery was the danger of resentments. I am trying to put down the ones I've been lugging around and trying hard not to pick up any more. Any resentment, even a "justified" one is burdensome. Is it purposeful to nurse this one? To get others to pick up this resentment with you? To approach this recovering addict and take his inventory for him?
I am not justifying his behavior. But I suggest that it truly had nothing to do with you, it was about him. And your response to his behavior, as his response to yours, may well have more to do with you than him.
When I get my knickers in a twist about something, and get a instantaneous powerful reaction, there is usually something very pertinent there for me to look at in myself.
I used to be "why is that person attacking me?" and I am learning to be "why am I letting this get to me?" I can't read the other person's mind or heart, but I have a chance of looking at my own and learning something useful.
Feelings are good, they inform us of our relationship with reality. It is fine to feel them. Sometimes it is not wise to act on a feeling. Sometimes it's better to just ride them out, and move onto the next one.
Somedays I walk into a meeting and I am like that guy. Somedays I walk in and I am more like you. Some days I am golden and nothing can bring me down.
Consider cutting yourself some slack, letting go of this resentment and get on with your recovery.
Sometimes I am secretly searching for reasons to stay away, and even searching for reasons to use. I tell myself that things have to be this way...or I am staying home next time. Or that I can handle situations A,B, C & D, but if E or F happen, I'm going to HAVE to use.
This is why I now have a program, to learn to get honest, live honest, and take responsibility for my own life and choices. I like to blame everyone else for my behavior.
Here is something to think about, someone screws up the courage to go to a meeting, they just had the worst day in sobriety they've ever had, they wanted to use, they wanted to scream, cry, rant at their boss, dog, girlfriend, guy in the car next to them, it feels like their world is falling apart, their sobriety is at stake. They want to go home and isolate, but they know their best bet is to get to a meeting. They make the effort to get there, and find a seat. It's all they can do to stay sitting there, and not leave and head to the convenience store for a 12 pack. Someone walk in late...and all they can think of is how much effort it took them to get there ON TIME, and stay there, in spite of everything. They snap, say something rude, they aren't even paying attention to who it is, they have no clue why that person is late, and they don't care because they are caught up in their own issues.
One of the first things I learned in recovery was the danger of resentments. I am trying to put down the ones I've been lugging around and trying hard not to pick up any more. Any resentment, even a "justified" one is burdensome. Is it purposeful to nurse this one? To get others to pick up this resentment with you? To approach this recovering addict and take his inventory for him?
I am not justifying his behavior. But I suggest that it truly had nothing to do with you, it was about him. And your response to his behavior, as his response to yours, may well have more to do with you than him.
When I get my knickers in a twist about something, and get a instantaneous powerful reaction, there is usually something very pertinent there for me to look at in myself.
I used to be "why is that person attacking me?" and I am learning to be "why am I letting this get to me?" I can't read the other person's mind or heart, but I have a chance of looking at my own and learning something useful.
Feelings are good, they inform us of our relationship with reality. It is fine to feel them. Sometimes it is not wise to act on a feeling. Sometimes it's better to just ride them out, and move onto the next one.
Somedays I walk into a meeting and I am like that guy. Somedays I walk in and I am more like you. Some days I am golden and nothing can bring me down.
Consider cutting yourself some slack, letting go of this resentment and get on with your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK Black Country
Posts: 94
I went to a few AA meetings 2 years ago, I found it very intimidating. One chap gave me a real lecture because I wasnt going to meetings several times a week and how could I hope to get well unless I did. I never went back, but ended up here all this time later and am doing OK. some people doe not realise how their words hurt when you are feeling vulnerable. If meetings work for you I hope you manage to settle this
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 38
You guys had the wrong idea. I was upset that night but it passed and when i said i was going to the meeting with my sponsor, it was just for a little added support. I plan on going back either tonight or next week and i will be kind to this man. I go to several different meeting places. My sponsor suggested i get him a cup of coffee LOL ok whatever it takes to keep MY serenity!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK Black Country
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by alaina02
You guys had the wrong idea. I was upset that night but it passed and when i said i was going to the meeting with my sponsor, it was just for a little added support. I plan on going back either tonight or next week and i will be kind to this man. I go to several different meeting places. My sponsor suggested i get him a cup of coffee LOL ok whatever it takes to keep MY serenity!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by alaina02
You guys had the wrong idea. I was upset that night but it passed and when i said i was going to the meeting with my sponsor, it was just for a little added support. I plan on going back either tonight or next week and i will be kind to this man. I go to several different meeting places. My sponsor suggested i get him a cup of coffee LOL ok whatever it takes to keep MY serenity!
All the ideas shared here including your way of handling things are going to help many of us other recovering addicts when they read this thread. You did all of us a favor by posting here.
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