Christen

Hello Friends- I need some advice. My husband has been clean about 7wks. He is addicted to pain pills. He has a pattern of relapsing for 6mo, then cleaning up for 2mo, then doing it again & again. Our marriage has turned into a mountain of lies. He's doing very well this time. He is taking drug tests, so I know he's clean. We are trying to get back on track. Believe it or not- I'm a little optimistic this time.

Anyways, here's the issue. He is an avid hunter. He wants to go away for opening weekend up north with his brother. However, this would involve me trusting him to go away for the weekend, & I would have to give him some cash to take with him. His brother knows the situation, doesn't use drugs, & just drinks too much beer.

I know I can't control him. And I know I'm powerless. But I think it's just plain stupid to send him up north with cash. I think it's stupid to send him any were with cash, especially 7 hours away.

In a nut shell- I always feel like the "bad guy" or the "b*tchy wife". I don't like feeling this way because I'm not like that. I just don't trust him at all. Every time I give him an inch- everything blows up in my face again.

I told him I'd rather he hunt around here for now, & that it's too soon for him to expect that kind of trust. He was disappointed, but said he knew where I was coming from......

So please let me know, am I in the wrong here? Part of me feels guilty, & the other part says- feel those consequences darling.

mooselips

Christen,
Unfortunately, we can't control another person.

I understand how you feel, as I only give our sons FOOD, never cash.

He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
IMO, not much you can do, you can't be his protector/keeper forever.

Hugs......

Freedom1990

I agree, plus it's exhausting being a protector/keeper.

He's going to do what he's going to do in the end anyway.

He's established a pattern that warrants him being untrustworthy.

Personally I don't take a front row seat to anyone's addictions, and that includes my 33-year-old addicted daughter.

She can live her life as she sees fit and I don't have to like it either.

However, I stay out of the way.

suki44883

I know I can't control him. And I know I'm powerless. But I think it's just plain stupid to send him up north with cash. I think it's stupid to send him any were with cash, especially 7 hours away.

You don't send him anywhere. He's an adult and can make up his own mind. Do I think it's a good idea for him to go off on a weekend with a brother who drinks too much beer? No, I don't, but, at some point, you're going to have to be okay with him being out of your sight for a while and doing whatever he wants to do. If he wants to use, then he'll use and he doesn't have to be 7 hours away from you in order to do it.

If it were me, I might mention my concerns, but leave the decision up to him, without making him feel I'll be angry if he decides to go.

HopeAwaits

It is hard to let go of control and not worry. I think you have to ask yourself first is it something you can afford? Put the addiction and trust aside for a moment and see if you would spend that money on a getaway to begin with. If he is going to use he will with or without a hunting trip far away.

You run the chance of it being held against you or if it were my AXH he would end up being a jerk all weekend, and end up taking off and using either way. This is where its hard to say its not trusting or controling
))hugs((

greeteachday

Christen, I think this is a difficult situation and I understand your concern. Unfortunately, I think whether you say yes or no, it won't control the outcome of whether he uses again or not. However, if he chooses to go, is there a reason you have to financially support it? Maybe that is a possible compromise - leave him the choice of what he does, but let him know that regardless of his choice, the marriage is not financing it? All the best.

TMZ

I am going to come at this from the hunters point of view, and share my story hope it helps.

I have hunted every year 30+ years, mostly near by. but the later years I went up north with friends {the hunting trip}. I find peace out there in the woods, it is so awaking to the power of God. The hunt for food and providing is powerful, exciting. In the silence of the woods and the beauty of the creation before you, you get time to think about things in your life.
A few years ago, my wife asked me not to go and to spend time with the family and help our AS with his addition. I was hurt, upset, angry I mean this is a tradition and what can I do for him. He was just getting out of rehab. Long story short, I stayed and for the first time let the deer have one extra year. Yes it hurt and I was still angry for months. But in the long run I got over it and staying showed my love and concern for AS. Not only to my wife but to my AS. Not saying it change him but it showed an importance.

So asking him not to go is going to be hard for him to deal with. May be how you put it to him might help him make a choice for recovery and family.
But ultimately you can only control yourself, and he can try and control himself.

Kindeyes

You are between a rock and a hard place.

If you let him go, there is a risk that he may use funds designated for the trip on drugs.

If you don't let him go, his resentment may give him the excuse he needs to justify (in his own mind) using again.

Looking at it from this point of view, it is clear that you don't really have control either way. If you've expressed your position calmly, you've done your part.

Now the question is......what are your boundaries? (Not his boundaries as dictated by you....but your boundaries that you set for yourself?)

As far as "being the bad guy", if we are trying to control the other person, we ARE the bad guy (I've played that role more than a few times). If we are taking control of ourselves, our reactions, our words, our emotions, and OUR lives, we aren't the bad guy anymore.....we're just taking care of that which we have control of.

BTW, an addict will still think we're the bad guy though so it only matters how we feel about ourselves not what someone else thinks about us.

gentle hugs
ke

Justlizzyd

Is there anyway he can come up with his own cash to fund his trip? Maybe if he was not given free money, he would be less likely to spend if foolishly....just a suggestion, don't know your circumstances.

Don't feel like a "bad guy" I have been referred to by my AH as being a warden and he was in lock down, that is the co-dependency coming out in me, trying to control the un-controllable.

Windblown

Jeez I feel like the bad guy because I'm already giving my 18 year old the ultimatum that if he doesn't stay clean, he has to find another place to live. And you keep letting him stay with multiple relapses. I'm so worn out at this point I know I need the rein forcement of an alanon meeting. If I don't start taking care of myself my kid is going to wreck my life. My house is a mess, my husband has lost time off work, ... What are you doing to give yourself some happiness today? How far are you willing to let this man keep you tied up in knots? I was told I had to kick the stilts out from under my son and let him fall. Easier said than done...when is enough, enough for you?

outtolunch

He owns his own recovery, or not. No amount of drug testing or policing him is going to keep him clean.

I assume he works full time and this trip does not put a financial burden on the family.

shockozulu

My mother was the addict in my life. If she wanted drugs, she would find a way to get them. My Step-brother also is an addict. He would hit his mother up for cash to help pay his mortgage. Eventually he admitted to her he was using the money she gave him to buy pot. My step-mother is concerned and wants to help him as he has a medical condition that has nearly ended his life multiple times and does cause him to be low on funds when he can't work enough hours sometimes.

I told his mother that if I were in her position I would only give him a check made out to whomever he owes money to. If its the mortgage then write a check to the bank, if its for utilities then that's who she should write the check to. Yes, it is still enabling and may free up some cash for him to buy drugs but she is not ready to cut him off financially. She thanked me for the advice and told me that is what she decided to do.