December2011

My son writes me letters form time to time, and leaves them on the kitchen counter. This was the most recent one, and he is MIA for over a week.

Mom,
I have never been good at expressing my feelings, so I write them. I have fallen into a deep hole. I can’t get out no matter how hard I try.
Everyone I know in the world feeds into it. I didn’t see what a problem it has become, because everyone is in the same boat or so accepting of it.
I don’t have one person to say whoooooaaaa WTF are you doing? I want to stop for myself. I am killing myself. I can’t keep living like this. I am stopping now, and I just need a little support please, and a little understanding. I know I have been a ***** and an ass, and I am sorry. I never wanted to be like this. I am sorry. I love you. Please just leave me alone, I need some time in my head. I love you very much even if you don’t believe it.
I love you

I get letters like this a lot, just wanted to share, and I hope my son is okay wherever he is, and whatever he is doing.

kiki5711

I wish him lots of courage.

Freedom1990

From one mom of an addict to another, sending you hugs of support!

MsPINKAcres

((december2011))

prayers of peace and comfort for you - I have seen many letters and heard many of these types of speeches from my now ex ah and from my addict daughter - It seems they know the words to tear at our hearts and maybe there is a really big part of them that means these words too - some I believe it at the point of the manipulation of the disease ~ just my thoughts -

either way it doesn't stop the pain, concern or love does it?

Prayers for guidance and protect for him too!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Hanna

Have you ever written him back?
It is hard to read a letter like that, but then very good that he is trying to communicate with you.

BBD

Big hugs coming your way and hope for your son.......hang in there..

December2011

MSPinkAcres,

Yep, they are good at telling us what we want to hear!

Thank you

December2011

SisDebbie,
I usually write, talk to him, or call.
It is just another letter in a million of broken promises. I am sure you have all herd similar words or letters from your addicted loved ones.

Thank you hugs

December2011

I just wanted to say also, that even though I worry, this week and a half of not having the AS at the house has been really peaceful...

TMZ

((December2011))

If it is any consolation my son wrote me a letter similar about 6 months before he sought help. Hope he is working things out for himself. We have to have faith and hope. The first step is to admit a problem.

Sending prayers and strength.

Ann

I think that when they write or say those things, they mean it in their hearts, but they just can't get it together enough to reach out to the people who can really help them.

It's sad really. I remember my son telling me he hated the person he had become and that if he could cut off an arm or a leg and never want to use again, he would. Yet he couldn't reach out either and it's just sad.

Keeping our boys in my prayers, and special prayers for all the mamas here.

Hugs

mooselips

Like Ann, I truly believe that, at the time, that's how they feel. They'd like to be in a "normal" world, but, have a difficult time getting out of that dark spot they are in.

I pray for your son, and all our addicts.....

There's always hope.


Hugs.....

December2011

yep, for true you all "get it" I tried to call him tonight... and his phone was not picking up...... part of me thinks that if he were dead he would be at peace... wow that is horrid... just waiting for a call just waiting to know he is okay.. always waiting for that

December2011

Greet, you lost a child? In my heart I know he could die any day.... What does my life mean? nothing! This is my only child, my son. tonight, i do not know if he is dead or alive... if he dies I will die. I do not care if I am a co-dependent, if he dies I will die-- what else is there. I remember all the great times we had when he was young-- what did I do wrong what happened?

greeteachday

I lost a child to addiction, and I do have that belief that at least she is at peace, so as hard as it is for you to express that, I thank you for your honesty and understand your point
I personally believe that your son is trying to say what he feels...I don't think in this case his motivation was manipulation -Perhaps he just wanted you to know that he understands the demon addiction has him, but he also understands how much you love him. I do believe that this connection to a family's love is the gift of hope we should hold tight to. Regardless of the hold this disease has on him, it is clear your son loves you deeply. Hold tight to that love and to hope. Wherever this journey takes you, know that you gave your child the extraordinary gift of love.

greeteachday

It truly is not about what you did wrong...there are so many reasons why our kids tried drugs and got addicted...None of which, I believe, have anything to do with parenting skills. I tried drugs and alcohol too...i did not blame it on my parents..it was just what it was...part of my journey, like so many others, and I am so grateful that I was not addicted.

My post was not to make you fear for his life; I am sorry if that was the unintended consequence. I really just wanted you to know that IMO he wanted you to know that your love for him is not unacknowledged and that he understands he needs to find his way back alone.

YearForMe

About 2 months ago I received a phone call "restricted number". When I answered, I was asked my full name and before answering the question... I said "who is calling please?"

This is Sgt. XX with the XX Police Department. Are you the biological mother of
(insert daughter's full name).....?

I took a deep breath. I sat down on the steps. And I thought in my head "ok....here it is.....the call you've dreaded for 17 years.....brace yourself"

I answered "Yes, that is my daughter"

Thank goodness they were not calling to tell me she was found dead. They were just looking for her. She was arrested the following morning and is sitting in jail with a felony 1st degree robbery charge and a hefty cash only bond.

If she were to die in addiction, I would feel that she was finally at peace. My heart would be broken. But I would not die.

Additionally, I no longer read her letters.

I let my therapist read them and tell me if they are fluff....or something I need to know.

The words are what I call "Word Salad". Words that are used to soften my heart....tossed together in a dressing of manipulation.

I only watch actions now. Word Salad doesn't work anymore.

hello-kitty

Wow. Good stuff. I've eaten way too much word salad over my lifetime. Now I stick with meat and potatoes.

Chino

December, if I stay healthy and live an average life span, I will most likely lose my recovering daughter because she has chronic Hep C. Two weeks ago she was the picture of health but ended up in the ER again from dehydration. She's one of those people who has to take the "people with compromised immune systems" warnings very seriously. While she fully owns her disease of addiction, I don't think she's fully accepted the Hep C. That could very well kill her sooner rather than later. My husband says "she's not going to make it" all the time and he may be right

It's makes us sad but I can't allow myself to stay sad or fearful, because I will pull her and all our loved ones down with me. All I can do is stay in touch with her and demonstrate my love every chance I get. Whether it's a prayer, a hug or saying I love you, I grab every opportunity.

Hold your son's letter close to your heart and go ahead and mourn all that is lost. It will free up space inside you to embrace what you do have today, and that is the love you and your son share.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.

HurtingDad

Keep loving your son, as I do my AS. I don't know your son's age, or insurance issues, but would he go to a program? Prayers for your son and for you.