lillamy

So I've been having nightmares about AXH.
And other things.
But he's always there.

He's in my new car and I feel sticky and scared and want him out of there and I can't.
I walk in the bathroom and see his stuff there and panic and realize that he's really not gone, he's still in my life and I'll never get rid of him.

And then there are other dreams: Where I find myself in bed with some guy I can't even remember the face or the name of.

And the other dreams: Where someone who is supposed to do something for me and does it completely wrong. Like last night, the frame shop that was supposed to frame a painting for me cut up the painting, nailed together a couple of boards, slapped some ugly green paint on it and couldn't understand why I was upset that my 4 foot by 2 foot painting was 6x4 inches and slapped into a frame a preschooler could have made.

I can analyze these:
~ I still feel like I can't get away from AXH. Which is true: We have children together, and he keeps screwing around with the schedule based on what's convenient for him.
~ I don't trust myself. I don't think I'm trustworthy. I don't think I can make sound decisions based on what I know to be good for myself.
~ I don't trust other people. I don't trust them to do what I expect them to.

And all of that is stuff I can work on. All of that is stuff that I'm aware of.

I just hate the damn nightmares. Hate them. I wake up and feel like I'm 8 steps back in my recovery.

My counselor says it's a sign of health, that I'm working on my issues subconsciously in my sleep. Me? I'd much rather just, oh, I don't know, maybe sleep instead of waking up screaming. *she said in a very tired voice*

Is anyone else having nightmares (I mean, apart from those you're living?)??? Anyone have any good tips or ideas on how to get a good night's sleep?

LaTeeDa

I had nightmares for a while post-divorce. One in particular woke me up at 3:30 in the morning and then I cried for a good two hours. That was not my best day, lol.

Unfortunately, I don't have any tips on how to *not* have them. I think it's just one of those things you have to go through to get to the other side. Wish I could be more helpful, but it will pass.

L

lillamy

Well, it helps to know that I'm not alone at least.

bruingirl

Definitely have nightmares and vivid dreams all the time! I know what you mean, they leave you feeling exhausted emotionally and physically...

Thankfully one of my friends is a neurologist who is specializing in dreams and brain signaling and he recommended that the best way to stop dreaming is to make sure you are getting at least a full 8 hours of sleep every night. I know that sounds really silly, but in all the years that I've tried to come up with patterns and links to my dreaming, nothing has correlated so strongly as that! He explained to me that what happens when we are dreaming is that we are in deep (REM) sleep. We tend to fall quicker and longer into REM sleep when we have been sleep deprived and are making up for lost hours. So ensuring that we get enough sleep means we don't fall into REM as quickly and for the same duration of the night.

I know it's hard to try to fit it into a busy schedule but I've really been trying to make it a top priority for myself. After a few successful days I DEFINITELY notice that the dreams are gone. But the second I get work piled on me and have to cut down the sleep I start dreaming vividly again! You should give it a try.

TakingCharge999

Yes I have had nightmares lately, very vivid.

In one, XBF was waiting outside of my house then he was following me and I started getting scared. We broke up MANY MONTHS ago. I have asked many times for him to leave me alone. He just called me the other day. I went No contact. Nightmares help heal the psyche.

In another one my mom was endlessly going from one place to the other, then I was also leaving from one place to the other, feeling desperate and desolate. Yes indeed, my mom is traveling here and there unable to make up his mind about where to live. And I am also starting to get anxious about not owning a place for me. Sigh.

Its all progress. Writing the dreams down helps. Talking about them helps. Trust your mind, body and soul.. trust your ability to heal

Willybluedog

I have suffered chronic nightmares since the age of 4, when I first went on Prozac I did not dream at all, after about 18 months nightmares returned. I am now on Prazosin, my psychiatrist uses it for nightmares on soldiers with PTSD, works great, no side effects.

blwninthewind

I usually don't remember my dreams but lately I have.
And they are not good, happy or nice.

they are filled with drama and chaos.

but I figure they must be a sign of something good because I feel stronger every day and am understanding the dynamic of my relationship w/ my RAH and with my children a lot better.

No advice from me...just big hugs and know that this too will pass.

Seren

Yep, still have dreams sometimes that I HAVE to stay married to my xH......wake up feeling sick to my stomach.

Oh, and I am re-married, too......

MsPINKAcres

(((lillamy))

when going thru my divorce in 2008 & 2009 ~ i had horrible nightmares! The night before my divorce hearing I had one that was the worst - I dreamed that the judge ordered I had to return to my exah - I had to move back in with him and the divorce wasn't granted.
I woke up sobbing and couldn't go back to sleep.

I had other vivid dreams - like when I went to marry Mr. Pink Acres the nites before - I had nightmares that my ex tricked everyone and I ended up remarrying him, he kidnapped me in a Big Moving Truck and Mr. Pink Acres was searching everywhere for me but couldn't find me, etc.

I haven't had one in a about six months now - so I guess it's safe to say they do go away . . .

but that isn't much help when you are going thru them ~

I had to journal when I woke up - say not all dreams/nightmares are real, my fears and feelings aren't all going to come true and The God of my understanding is bigger than anything my silly ole brain and subconscious can come up with! I release this fear to Him and pray for peace and healing.

PINK HUGS and prayers for peace sleep!

Rita

StarCat

My dreams are rarely directly about someone/something that's bothering me, they're always some rather fantastic thing or event that at first glance has nothing to do with anything, but once the parallels are discovered it has everything to do with everything.

For example, I woke up to a dream this morning. (It's been awhile since I had one, so I suppose it was overdue). In this one all these blob-like aliens conquered the world, and people weren't allowed to do anything that might sound like some sort of freedom - like read, or drive, or use umbrellas when its raining.
I was young, my father had died sometime within a year before the aliens came, and my family went to the park for a picnic, which was allowed because there was some sort of speaker we were supposed to listen to or something. One of the aliens drove us, in my father's car.
When it came time to leave I forgot we weren't allowed to drive, and I backed up the car out of the parking lot. Since the punishment for driving was death, I was suddenly on the run. I woke up around the time I was caught.

I have a rather vivid imagination, I guess.

But the end result - my mother was very controlling all growing up, to the point where even when I had my license I wasn't allowed to drive unless I was driving her somewhere or doing some sort of chore for her.
My father never really stood up for us, so it was like he wasn't there anyway.
Eventually I started with a relationship with XABF, who was even more controlling than my mother (at least with my parents my mother didn't panic if she couldn't see me), and wanted to control every single aspect of my life.
If I did one tiny little thing wrong in his eyes, too, he'd explode, and suddenly everything wrong with the world was a result of my inadequacies, and I was a horrible person who must worship the devil.

These are things that I'd have trouble admitting to myself, so my brain takes a roundabout way to work through them.


I've discovered that when dreams bother me, when I wake up if I lay still and finish them in my head that the negative parts don't upset me so much, and I can take my time throughout the day to work through them.

I've also decided that the aliens in my dream were this really cool shade of green with purple iridescence, and I'm wondering if they make nail polish in that color, because if they do I want some.

Freedom1990

Count me in on the nightmare train!

I will say they have gotten less frequent over the years, and I finally had one about EXAH the other night. I seem to average a couple a year.

It left me very unsettled as he's been dead for 4 years now.

wellnowwhat

I rarely dream. I have a sleep disorder that means I rarely reach a deep enough sleep to have dreams, and if I do, it is very short.

Recently we had cut down some branches that caused too much shade in our yard. Last night I had a dream that we had totally taken out a large bush that we had trimmed along the fence and our neighbour, when we were away, took down the 6' fence along that side "to open things up". We aren't very close with this neighbour and I kept saying "are you sure you want to do this?" We have several pets. I didn't remember dreaming until I took my coffee outside this morning and saw the bush and fence still there!

My take is that I tend to isolate and sometimes blame AH even though I know it is my natural inclination. I've started doing it again and I guess my dream is saying "open up and let people in".

So odd to have one of my very rare dreams and to find a thread on dreams here this morning. Maybe worlds are colliding to tell me something! I hope I listen.

SoaringSpirits

I am separated from my AH and have had a lot of vivid dreams lately, too. What helps me is to keep a dream journal and write them down. I also purchased a book called "The Dream Dictionary" and use it to 'analyze' my dreams. It's very helpful and also empowering. This is the book I bought.

Your dreams are all about YOU. They are your psyche's way of processing what is going on in your conscious life. By writing down your dreams and looking at what is happening in them, you can see a lot of clues and patterns. Also, remember that people in your dream represent aspects of yourself.

Recently I dreamed that my AH asked me to marry him. I agreed but was disappointed it would not be the beautiful wedding I had dreamed of. In the dream, my AH took me to a courthouse and got some paperwork. Then we went to stay with his alcoholic father. At some point in the dream, I asked my husband "When are we going to get our own apartment?" and my AH replied: "I forgot to tell you, but we are going to live with my (alcoholic) father."

When I sat down to write about this dream, I realized just how true this was. My AH, who rejected his father so much for his drinking, has become just like him. And our marriage has not been the 'dream wedding' I had fantasized about.

The other night, I had another dream where my AH told me that he'd slept with 6 different women during our marriage together. I was livid. As I kept demanding he tell me their names, he kept caressing a vodka bottle in his lap. In the dream, I never got the identities of the 'women' he'd 'slept' with, but in my waking life, I now know their names are Beer, Wine, Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila and Mixed Drink. My psyche knows my AH has 'cheated' on me by declaring his primary love to be alcohol.

Interpreting these dreams is giving me a much clearer understanding of myself. I have kept a dream journal for 20 years now. When I read back through it recently, I could see that I have had many dreams that should have been a big clue!

lillamy

Thank you all. (((hugs)))

braveloner

it can be hard but try writing poetry about your dreams and feelings, or a song. write the poem of what you think the complete opposite of your dreams and feelings are then search for all you do have and are thankful for. peace and good luck.


you can do it, its in all of us ....

FLsunshine

I had a few dreams regarding EXRAH..one was that he was dating a mutual friend and another we were being intimate..idk why that one.. I have had bad nightmares on and off my whole life But they started being more frequent (the ones where I jump out of bed or am walking around my room) not after RAH left but when I started talking on the phone to a new male friend... Then when we stopped talking they stopped happening as much..

SoloMio

I think your first dream is really pretty obvious, the "new car" is your new path, your desire to do things differently, but your AH is still in the car, which makes you very uncomfortable. You want to get on your journey without him, but can't.

That's pretty cool! You're in the driver's seat in your dream, right? Awesome! All you have to do is figure out how to "drop off" the unwanted passenger.

These dreams may seem nightmarish in a way, but I do think they point towards progress!

lillamy

Nope, he was in the driver's seat. That was the main reason I was so uncomfortable. Because he's not. But he's jerking me around with "I don't have time to have the kids this week because it's so busy at work" and limiting my options by being an unreliable parent (I had to turn down a job I was offered because it involved a lot of travel -- and I can't safely leave town even on the weeks the kids are with him because I never know if he's going to go koo-koo-bat-sh*t crazy). And I think that's part of why I have nightmares. Because I can't control him, he's unpredictable, and because of that, I can't even control my own life all the time. And while I thought I had sort of accepted that, my dreams are telling me I haven't.

LivingLife4Me

I have had nightmares since the physical episode on 8-9. They are tapering off some...right when the assault happened, I was waking up several times a night from nightmares. Now, I only have the nightmares when something bad happens between me and dh, or me and MIL.

Sue