Eliasson

It's telling me I can control my drinking. I'm not really an alcoholic. That I can't stop drinking now anyway because my husband is a heavy drinker so I may as well drink with him til I either get divorced or he gets sober. I am a 45 yr old housewife with 4 kids, one of whom has brain cancer. I first went to AA at age 20 and my longest period of sobriety was 14 months, I'm at day 47 this time, but I rarely last linger than a month or 2. I'm obviously a chronic slipper and I'm so scared of what my head is doing to me again that I am in constant tears. My anxiety is sky high. I drank every day, 4-8 glasses of wine. Blacked out probably every other month. Terrible hangovers. Missed important days in my kids lives due to hangovers or waking up still drunk. No DUI's, mostly because my husband always drove. I would stay up way past everyone else at night and just keep drinking and crying by myself. Sometimes I could actually manage to just have a glass or two of wine, but I never knew when that would be, and that always convinced me that I'm "normal". Every time I go back out I start off controlling it pretty well, and then end up in blackouts again, full of fear, guilt and self loathing. This cycle has got to stop. This time I got sober because I hated myself so much I wanted to die. But I knew dying wasn't an option so I knew I had to find a way to live. Sober. But now my head is starting up again, trying to tell me I can control drinking and I'm not an alcoholic. Pls help me. I know "only I can decide", but do I sound like an alcoholic to you? And if so how do I turn off the voices in my head? I'm desperate. I can't stop crying. Thank you for reading this and I appreciate any support or words of wisdom

suki44883

In all honesty? Yes, you do sound like an alcoholic. It is quite normal to have those thoughts that maybe you over-reacted and aren't really an alcoholic...that maybe you can drink in a controlled manner. The thing is, people who aren't alcoholics don't have to control their drinking. They just automatically stop after one or two.

This is your alcoholic voice lying to you. Please recognize it for what it is. Cravings come and go and generally last around 5-7 minutes. Find something to do to take your mind off it until it subsides, and it will subside. The more you deny the alcoholic voice, the less often you'll have the cravings. You're right that only you can decide if you're ready to quit drinking for good. I'm sure it's harder to do while living with someone who drinks, but it can be done, IF you want it.

Anna

Learning to recognize the addict-voice for what it is, listening to it and then letting it go, are big steps towards recovery.

Dee74

I think deep down you know what you are Eliasson

I've read all your posts...no matter what you want to call your problem, your relationship with alcohol sounds pretty bad to me - it's not a solution for any of your problems, and in fact it makes a lot of your life a whole lot worse.

to me, it makes a lot of sense not to turn back now and to keep on the path you're on

D

soberlicious

Eliasson, this is you talking...

This is not you...this is your addictive voice creating doubt.

I can only tell you what I did. I stopped trying to fight "the voices"...stopped trying to battle them down to make them stop. Going to battle is what the voices want. Then they can engage you...weaken you. Get you to drink. What I did was acknowledge them, but then say (sometimes out loud and I'm not even kidding here) "this is a lie...these voices are lying to me". No matter what...I did not act on them. Drinking was not an option. ever. Over time, the voices you describe calmed down and over a few years virtually diasappeared. I did not know this at the time, but there is a method called AVRT that talks about something similar. Look in the secular connections section of SR. It might interest you. Worth a read anyway. Best to you. I know first hand your suffering. I hope you find some peace.

Eliasson

Thank you all so much. You are right, deep in my heart I do know I'm an alcoholic. I don't think normal drinkers end up in and out of AA for 25 years either. I've been drinking since I was 12, and I've had very little joy and lots of depression in my life since the age of 12. I wish this were easier. Wish I could just move into acceptance and be at peace with what I am instead of being ashamed. Maybe that will come with time? I want the promises. I want to be happy, joyous and free. To be the best mom I can be. The best person I can be. I want to get this. Finally. Thank you so much for your help.

Eliasson

How do I save this post for future reference? I know this will continue to be an issue for me and all of your words are so helpful now and in the future. Is there a way to somehow pull up my posting history and re-read this when times get tough?

Dee74

I always bookmark threads I want to revisit - but thats a browser thing

you can subscribe to this thread (under 'thread tools')

That will let you know if there's ever any new posts in it - but it doesn't keep a copy of the thread as far as I know?

D

suki44883

You can subscribe to the thread, or you can click on "my posts" in the tool bar. It will give you a list of all of your posts.

CAPTAINZING2000

Not sure I'm an alcoholic in the true sense. I'm certain, I can't drink responsibly. I could never guarantee after I had one drink what would happen next.
after I stopped drinking for several years did my emotional sobriety come back again. It would help if, your husband would stop drinking with you.

Have you sat down an told him what's going on ?

grateful101010

God bless you. You need help, and alcohol will only make your difficult life 4x as hard. Dig deep and find the strength to abstain by surrendering to your higher power.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Eliasson.

I've read a lot of your posts and really admire the effort you've been putting in. Thanks for sharing.

It's just a word—alcoholic—but I applied it to myself after I admitted I could not control my drinking. I spent years trying, and failing. I have no idea why I went on so long thinking I could succeed, when the evidence overwhelmingly showed I couldn't. I'm not in AA, but isn't there a line in the Big Book about how every alcoholic yearns to be a normal drinker?

I think soberlicious' advice is worth taking. It sounds like AVRT techniques would be a real help to you. It does get easier, which will mean you'll have more energy to deal with all the other issues. Please hang in there—you'll be glad you did, and so will your kids.

amy55

hi Eliasson,

I don't know how to make those voices in your head (or in my head) to go away. But I think for once, you need to keep it together. Your son needs your now. You need to do, what you need to do. Alcohol is not going to help this. I know BTDT. I pray for you and your son each day.

I think, and I hope for tonight, you leaned on SR to help. I'm here for you, everyone on here is here for you.

It is tough. I know that. I just want to offer you a lot of (((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Eliasson

I did keep it together last night! Thanks to everyone at SR today is sobriety day 48. Tomorrow I travel to Chicago for 4 days to see my daughter graduate from Navy boot camp. I could not be prouder. And I want more than anything for my kids to be proud of me, too. I keep getting suggestions to check out AVRT so I'll search this site today and find it. I can't thank you all enough for your support. I'm so grateful to have found this forum and so incredibly grateful for y'all. Thank you and bless you

Eliasson

Ok. One more embarrassing question. Where on this site do I find AVRT?

EmeraldRose

Congratulations on NOT listening to your stinkin' thinking. The little demon will finally go hide so he's not so prominant in your head but he never is really evicted. Especially is you have a spouse that continues.
I would think that being sober for your sick child would give you the reality check you needed to continue on your sober path. People are seriouslly different when they aren't worried about taking their next drink. Really.
My daughter moved out last February, I quit end of January...it has been a long few months of gaining trust and my dignity. Last night at 11:30pm she saw my light still on and was at a friends so she stopped in. She stayed till 2:30am. We had one of the best visits we ever had all to my sobriety. Alot of talking accomplished. I knew it was a matter of time and something that need not be rushed it happened in its own time. Quitting has certainly made life easier...!
Enjoy your daughters graduation. I had 3 boys graduate in the military and didn't make it any (although my parents did go) -when drinking your thoughts and planning are not true.

Wishing you continued peace and strength.

ventura47

What I have done to save what people have written you in copy and paste, highlight the paragraph left click then hit copy. go to a blank word file on your computer right click and hit paste, there, it is yours for life,

stuartp

I think Soberlicious' post is terrific. Your voice vs the alcoholic voice.

For me, once I gave up the fight . . . the fight being that I can control my drinking, and I had to stop completely, it became something I could deal with. The gray area was gone (I think I might be able to control the drinking) and it was all black and white (I just cannot drink any more).

All the best . . .

ReadyAndAble

Nothing embarrassing about that! There are a few threads in the Secular Connections forum. I know Terminally Unique has a really active thread there....

freshstart57

Depression and anxiety were my life until two months ago. In retrospect, they got worse the more I drank.

I quit drinking and used my own form of AVRT to deal with that alcoholic voice that was tormenting me. When I started posting on SR, it was TU and SoberJennie that helped me strengthen my resolve by pointing me to a lot of AVRT stuff.

I am still dry after almost a month and a half, with no big issues, I have never again picked up. After a couple of weeks sober, my anxiety and depression started to lift as I realized that my will was stronger than any power my alcoholic voice had. In fact, I got sort of giddy as I realized that I was doing something and succeeding at something I had been terrified to try. That is a feeling of euphoria that persists to today.

I hope this helps you. Send me, or Terminally Unique, a pm at any time if we can help.

Best to you, Eliasson.