Farfalla

So my addict husband was due to start rehab after work program tomorrow. Has anyone ever heard of those types of programs? Well I borrowed his truck this evening to pick something up at store. Needless to say found drugs in the truck (weed). Now alot of people feel differently about weed. I despise it always have. To me it is still a drug and leads to other things which it has for my husband. I became enraged! The mortgage wasn't paid but bought drugs. I literally felt like putting his face through a wall. Of course the manipulator he is started with the whole I said I was going tomorrow and I will just kill myself followed with yet another tomorrow. I am so through. Yes I hate the addiction but I hate the addict too. I have been lied to, cheated on, stole from, etc. I am so tired of the bs he dishes and then I shovel. I am just completely done. I already wrote two pages in my journal. I'm sorry for venting but I am trying to get rid of this anger.

suki44883

Vent away! You deserve better.

Farfalla

I hate the person I become when I get wrapped up in his addiction. It pisses (sorry lack or better word right now) off!!! I get filled with such anger and rage. Here I am reading about addiction. Reading about codependency and enabling. What is he doing getting high? Here I am worrying about college tuition and my sons basketball registration money due. What does he do get high?!!!

Farfalla

Where the f would my children be if it wasnt for the mother I am who is both the mother and father because their biological father or DNA daddy does nothing but get high!!!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!

suki44883

You're doing great! Keep spewing...get it out!

tryingtohelp2

Keep going...get it out! I have heard of Rehab after work....and from your location I am pretty sure it is the SAME place my AF goes.....

Farfalla

I feel like such a fool! Why did I waste 19 years of my life fighting him to just get himself help.

dollydo

Make your past with him a guide post not a hitching post. Don't waste another 19 years on an addict, there is only one person in this marriage....you....

What I posted B/4 about the insurance issue is not something to be ignored, he is riding around with and smoking an illegal substance. If he gets stopped or in an accident, you are screwed. Addiction has tenacles that reach far and wide and will destroy a family.

If you have had enough, then be done with him, protect your family and your future.

Farfalla

I am not ignoring it. You are right 100%

hello-kitty

My ex got pulled over smoking crack in my car when I was 7 months pregnant. He nodded off at the wheel with a crack pipe in his mouth. Thank god no one was hurt. I was at work. My car was impounded. It was very expensive to get my car out of impound. But was even worse was that about a year later, when he had a warrant out for his arrest (he had been released on bail) I was pulled over due to a tail-light being out and they asked me where my ex was. They keep track of that kind of stuff in a computer. Scarey. Embarrassing.

Farfalla

So sad. I am just unbelievably angry right now.

grateful101010

OMG your posts make *me* want to throttle this guy! It is imperative that you minimize his involvement in your life, any how, any way. You anger won't destroy him or change him but it *will* destroy you.

itsanewday2011

I am so sorry. I understand your anger.

I always felt like the ex brought out the worst in me. I tend to be pretty level headed but there were times when he was using or doing something else and I could literally get physical. Once I punched my fist into a wall! So not me or my style. I am so sorry for the anger and chaos around you.

Take care of you....

JoySeeker

I knew that feeling. Guess what, he doesn't care. How can he since he's using to escapse everything in the first place. I can feel how I was by just reading your words, I felt the exact same way. I loved my ex at one point, I hated the drugs and what he had become and when I began hating myself....where I couln't feel comfortable or safe in my own self because of how it affected me, I began to make my plan to leave. Seperating myself and the kids physicaly away not only forced him to manage life without me, but also I grew so fast and rediscovered myself again. I will NEVER go back to him clean or not. The risk is just too high and really, I will never trust or respect him the way a husband/wife or partnership should towards eachother. "Until death do we part"...Some people die spiritualy long before they physicaly do, and no one deserves to suffer from another's choices.

Seren

Anger is a great motivator.....let it out, and then decide on the "next right thing" for you and your children, and use that energy for action.

Farfalla

Thank you everyone. I am still very angry. Maybe this anger is good because it is directed toward him.
JoySeeker - "until death do you part" - you are so right. I am spiritually dying. I am mad at GOD. I am a strong Catholic. I pray all the time. I go to speak to the priest and pray with them for GOD's blessing to heal my husband. I don't feel GOD is listening to me. I am angry with him. I have been begging and pleaing with my HOLY Mother Mary to please ask her son to help my family. I feel they aren't even listening to my cries anymore. Are they as disgusted with my cries as my family is? My family is just tired of my AH bull$h!t and can I blame them? He cheated on me with a drug addict. He stole from me. He stole from his children. Lies all the time. Has no involvement with his children. I have been up to see my daughter since she left for school every weekend she hasn't come home. Did he go? No! Was he concerned that I had to drive through North Philly in the worse section to get to the school alone? No! He just doesn't care about anyone. He stays on the couch except to go to the bathroom and go to refrigerator. He only leaves the house when he has to go to work or to go buy his drugs or do his drugs. Does he ever take me to dinner or the movie? No! Does he go to the gym with me? No! He literally does nothing but go get high. I wasted 19 years dealing with this crap. I am angry. I hate him. I hate what this "disease" has done to my family. I hate what he did to my family. I am sorry but he chose to get high. He chose to buy drugs.
I never cancelled his Rehab after work appointment. Why should I? It is his appt not my appt. If he doesn't go it is on him. I am not paying his mortgage. Why should I? He had money to buy drugs didn't he. Shame on him.
I do everything I need to for my family. I work. I take care of my children. I spend time with them. I take care of the home. I am now taking care of the grounds outside the home because he doesn't even do that anymore. I am alone all of the time anyway. When he is there he isn't really there.
Last night he says "I will just kill myself tomorrow". Everything is tomorrow. Really? Did he think his manipulative behavior I would say it was ok that I found drugs in your car? Really now! Ugh.

Kindeyes

Anger is a motivator and you are working your way through it. That's ok.

My addicted exhusband used this line on me for five years to hold me hostage in my marriage. I divorced him 28 years ago......he's still alive.

Perhaps it's time to change your prayers a little? Ask God to help you. He is listening but sometimes we need to stay still and listen for his answers.

gentle hugs
ke

Farfalla

Kindeyes,
I have been hostage for too long. I have been his caretaker for too long. I need to start taking care of myself. I had an infection about three years ago. I was on IV antibiotics for 19 weeks. I remember sitting at the kitchen table after I put the kids to bed using my teeth and one arm to give myself my bedtime infusiion. He wasn't home. He was cheating on me at the time with a drug addict wh-r@ (sorry a bit resentful). What happen to in sickeness and in health? In sickness I had to take care of myself using my teeth. Using my teeth. I forgave him. I took him back. Of course he pleaded with me promised never to lie to knock off the drugs. It will be 4 years this February. I can't get back those 4 years but where would I be if I cut the strings back then. I wouldn't be crying over him. I wouldn't be screaming at him for buying and using drugs. I would probably be peaceful. I just want to smack myself. I am so stupid. I am such a fool!

cece1960

Now, now...no you are not! Trust when I say that just about every one of us here has had to learn by our own mistakes. How were we to know that being a loving partner or parent would lead to this?

One of my ah-hah! moments was when I got so angry with my son that I took off my shoe and started smacking him with it. I couldn't beleive that things had gotten to that point. But you know what? That changed ME.

Use this anger as a motivation to get yourself to a better place. We can't change the past but we certainly deserve to look forward to a better future.
(((Hugs)))

Charon

They are listening but perhaps waiting for you to ask for the right thing. Your husband has to ask for himself to be relieved of his addiction. Maybe they are waiting for you to ask for the strength to do what you know is right for your family.

As far as killing himself - he's essentially dead to you and your family now - he simply hasn't stopped breathing yet.