New and don't know what to do with my AFB
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 2
New and don't know what to do with my AFB
I have been with my ABF for two years. I knew going into it that he was an alcoholic, but figured I could handle it and help. I fell in love with him the day I met him, and we plan on getting married and having children.
He is not a functional alcoholic. When he drinks one drink, he's drunk. He is a bartender, and he does not drink at work. He gets off at 3pm every day, and I get home at 6pm. In that three hour period, he will drink a pint of vodka, and I come home to him totally wasted. Our entire evening is gone since he's drunk. On bad weeks, this happens four times a week. During good weeks, it happens once. But even once is too many.
While he wants to get sober, and has many great reasons that he recognizes and really wants, I can tell there is something in him that is not fully accepting the fact that he needs to get sober.
He is 35 years old, and this all started five years ago when his ex-fiance dumped him. He became depressed and started drinking. He does not have
any information about his biological parents, but I assume that alcoholism runs in his family and possibly depression as well. He currently takes celexa for his depression and anxiety.
He did not have any problems before his last relationship ended, so I believe that situation triggered addictions and issues that were already there but had not yet surfaced.
He is a film maker, and has a potential full time job coming his way that would get him out of bartending and help him focus on other things. When he drinks, he tells me that it's because he's "bored", which I don't believe for a second. He attends AA every day, and sees a therapist once a week. But he sometimes starts drinking right after an AA meeting.
I know that I can't do anything to help him and that he needs to come to that decision on his own, but I don't know how to not be codependent. I probably need to go to therapy and AA type meetings (I'm not into the religious aspect of AA). I've done all the yelling, crying and ultimatums, and of course that has not gotten me anywhere. I do not have the strength to kick him out of the house. It's like I want him to hit rock bottom without him having to leave.
I don't know what to do anymore. We have all these plans together for a bright future, but we can't get get there until he's sober. Any advice, or comments would be greatly appreciated.
He is not a functional alcoholic. When he drinks one drink, he's drunk. He is a bartender, and he does not drink at work. He gets off at 3pm every day, and I get home at 6pm. In that three hour period, he will drink a pint of vodka, and I come home to him totally wasted. Our entire evening is gone since he's drunk. On bad weeks, this happens four times a week. During good weeks, it happens once. But even once is too many.
While he wants to get sober, and has many great reasons that he recognizes and really wants, I can tell there is something in him that is not fully accepting the fact that he needs to get sober.
He is 35 years old, and this all started five years ago when his ex-fiance dumped him. He became depressed and started drinking. He does not have
any information about his biological parents, but I assume that alcoholism runs in his family and possibly depression as well. He currently takes celexa for his depression and anxiety.
He did not have any problems before his last relationship ended, so I believe that situation triggered addictions and issues that were already there but had not yet surfaced.
He is a film maker, and has a potential full time job coming his way that would get him out of bartending and help him focus on other things. When he drinks, he tells me that it's because he's "bored", which I don't believe for a second. He attends AA every day, and sees a therapist once a week. But he sometimes starts drinking right after an AA meeting.
I know that I can't do anything to help him and that he needs to come to that decision on his own, but I don't know how to not be codependent. I probably need to go to therapy and AA type meetings (I'm not into the religious aspect of AA). I've done all the yelling, crying and ultimatums, and of course that has not gotten me anywhere. I do not have the strength to kick him out of the house. It's like I want him to hit rock bottom without him having to leave.
I don't know what to do anymore. We have all these plans together for a bright future, but we can't get get there until he's sober. Any advice, or comments would be greatly appreciated.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
He did not have any problems before his last relationship ended, so I believe that situation triggered addictions and issues that were already there but had not yet surfaced.
How do you know this? Because he told you? Unless you know this for a fact other than just his say-so, I wouldn't believe it. It's entirely possible his ex-fiance broke it off because of his drinking. You are now in the same position.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here from people who understand where you are. Have you considered Al-anon? It's a great place for face-to-face support from others who are dealing with alcoholism in their lives. Stick around here and feel free to post often and be sure to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. We're here to support you.
How do you know this? Because he told you? Unless you know this for a fact other than just his say-so, I wouldn't believe it. It's entirely possible his ex-fiance broke it off because of his drinking. You are now in the same position.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here from people who understand where you are. Have you considered Al-anon? It's a great place for face-to-face support from others who are dealing with alcoholism in their lives. Stick around here and feel free to post often and be sure to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. We're here to support you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome-
We have similar stories to what got us here.
My loved one was also adopted and did not know anything about his biological family of origin when we met. He struggled a lot with feeling like he was not living up to his potential and with boredom.
As time went on though the driving force behind the drinking became less important to me, and just the fact that he was drinking the focus of my life (or that he might drink). This was crazymaking for me and our relationship.
I found the following to really help me.
-Al-Anon (I was nervous about the religious aspect too). I have been pleasently surprised that it has really helped me to heal my childhood wounds around the religion I grew up with
-Individual counseling (the best money I have ever spent).
-A lot of reading about addiction, and codependancy in general (The book Codependent No More will come up a lot on these posts and it was very helpful).
-Realizing I was important enough to take care of me.
I am glad you are here.
We have similar stories to what got us here.
My loved one was also adopted and did not know anything about his biological family of origin when we met. He struggled a lot with feeling like he was not living up to his potential and with boredom.
As time went on though the driving force behind the drinking became less important to me, and just the fact that he was drinking the focus of my life (or that he might drink). This was crazymaking for me and our relationship.
I found the following to really help me.
-Al-Anon (I was nervous about the religious aspect too). I have been pleasently surprised that it has really helped me to heal my childhood wounds around the religion I grew up with
-Individual counseling (the best money I have ever spent).
-A lot of reading about addiction, and codependancy in general (The book Codependent No More will come up a lot on these posts and it was very helpful).
-Realizing I was important enough to take care of me.
I am glad you are here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
As time went on though the driving force behind the drinking became less important to me, and just the fact that he was drinking the focus of my life (or that he might drink). This was crazymaking for me and our relationship.
So many people say that you should just leave and get this negative person out of your life. But the most negative thing is his drinking, not necessarily his behavior. When he's drunk he cries about how he hates that he's drunk and wants to get sober. Is it possible to live with someone and help them while still not being an enabler?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
You can live with them, but you can't really help them with their alcoholism. That has to come from inside of them. Also, please know that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, only worse, unless they seek recovery.
Again, if you read around on this forum, you will see many stories similar to yours, and also stories of how it progresses and becomes so much worse.
Again, if you read around on this forum, you will see many stories similar to yours, and also stories of how it progresses and becomes so much worse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I don't have the answers you seek, I wish I did, you need to make yourself the priority in your life, please get to al-anon, exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, pray or meditate, and get involved in productive activities (art class, volunteering, etc.) so you don't sit around with a crying drunk in the evenings.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
What I noticed about your post is that apart from a very small sentence about you at the bottom the rest is all about him.
Whilst it is his problem that brought you here...it is your problem that is keeping you stuck.
The only way you will get through this is by starting to focus on yourself. If you carry on waiting for him to hit bottom you will drive yourself crazy and waste your life in the process. He may never hit bottom. He may carry on exactly how he is for years and years and years. My ex carried on for 8 years before I left him. I've seen others come here after 30 years of dealing with the same behaviour.
You don't have to be ready to kick him out to start focusing on yourself.
So tell us a bit about you. Any ideas where your codependent behaviours come from? What do you do to take care of yourself? Do you ever come first?
Whilst it is his problem that brought you here...it is your problem that is keeping you stuck.
The only way you will get through this is by starting to focus on yourself. If you carry on waiting for him to hit bottom you will drive yourself crazy and waste your life in the process. He may never hit bottom. He may carry on exactly how he is for years and years and years. My ex carried on for 8 years before I left him. I've seen others come here after 30 years of dealing with the same behaviour.
You don't have to be ready to kick him out to start focusing on yourself.
So tell us a bit about you. Any ideas where your codependent behaviours come from? What do you do to take care of yourself? Do you ever come first?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
AlvonBlanc-
I started to get better when I realized that HE was the focus of MY life, not me.
It was NOT about him getting better it was about me getting better. The fact that he became my focus was really hard (and sick) for me. I had to let go of him to allow myself the room to get better. That is what I meant by what I wrote. My recovery is far from straightforward but it is moving forward and for that I am grateful.
I started to get better when I realized that HE was the focus of MY life, not me.
It was NOT about him getting better it was about me getting better. The fact that he became my focus was really hard (and sick) for me. I had to let go of him to allow myself the room to get better. That is what I meant by what I wrote. My recovery is far from straightforward but it is moving forward and for that I am grateful.
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