Why is it so much harder this time to remain sober?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
Why is it so much harder this time to remain sober?
Hello folks! I joined SR almost 3 years ago. At that time I had hit my rock bottom, hated who I was and needed to make a change. From the time I made the decision to stop using and drinking I was strong in that decision and I made it over a year sober. Soon after a year sober I had a miscarriage finding out at my 12 week ultra sound that our baby died of down syndrome. Sadly I relapsed because I could not deal with the pain. I drank 3 times on seperate occasions (getting drunk) which of course depressed me even more, so I hopped right back on the wagon and with ease. A few months later I suffered another miscarriage but dealt with the loss in a healthy manor thankfully! Within another few months I finally became pregnant again, and delivered a very happy and healthy baby girl last December.
Somehow during my pregnancy I convinced myself that I had stopped for very good reasons at the time that I did, but I could "control" it this time. Within a few weeks I knew I made a very bad decision, and again stopped. I made it another several months sober, even started to go to therapy. But this time it was harder to stay sober. I was angry that I had this problem and was not "normal". Yet again I convinced myself that I was not going to let it control me. If I could be strong enough to quit for months to years, then how could I not be strong enough to just drink like a regular person can? So again I picked up and pretended that nothing was wrong. I gave myself rules, like not drinking during the week. Which I have followed, but now every weekend I am so excited to drink and even don't plan doing things because I know I'll probably be hung over or too tired! I clean less, I exercise less, I'm eating less healthy. The list of negatives can run on and on!!!
I am an over analytical person, my mind quickly gets the best of me. I know what I am doing is wrong FOR ME! I have to stop comparing myself with others around me. I want and need to start living a healthier life again. I have gone to AA in the past, it's having the time to go that I struggle with. How am I suppose to make enough time to go to meetings, work full time, spend time with my family and exercise? My husband doesn't think that I have a problem, however he supports me with whatever decision I make being sober or not.
How do I find the strength within myself again to remain sober? Not only for me, but for my children??
Somehow during my pregnancy I convinced myself that I had stopped for very good reasons at the time that I did, but I could "control" it this time. Within a few weeks I knew I made a very bad decision, and again stopped. I made it another several months sober, even started to go to therapy. But this time it was harder to stay sober. I was angry that I had this problem and was not "normal". Yet again I convinced myself that I was not going to let it control me. If I could be strong enough to quit for months to years, then how could I not be strong enough to just drink like a regular person can? So again I picked up and pretended that nothing was wrong. I gave myself rules, like not drinking during the week. Which I have followed, but now every weekend I am so excited to drink and even don't plan doing things because I know I'll probably be hung over or too tired! I clean less, I exercise less, I'm eating less healthy. The list of negatives can run on and on!!!
I am an over analytical person, my mind quickly gets the best of me. I know what I am doing is wrong FOR ME! I have to stop comparing myself with others around me. I want and need to start living a healthier life again. I have gone to AA in the past, it's having the time to go that I struggle with. How am I suppose to make enough time to go to meetings, work full time, spend time with my family and exercise? My husband doesn't think that I have a problem, however he supports me with whatever decision I make being sober or not.
How do I find the strength within myself again to remain sober? Not only for me, but for my children??
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
As I continue to read posts today (after being disappointed no one is replying to mine) I am getting out of them that AA is my best bet if I really want to stay sober huh?! I guess I have to reevaluate what is important to me... being sober or continue this relapsing battle by myself!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Sorry things have been so tough. It sounds like you are answering your own questions here, though. 
How are you supposed to make time for meetings? Well I don't know, but I do know that if you want to be sober bad enough you will find a way to make it work. If you had a life threatening or debilitating illness that required regular doctor appointments to keep you alive I'm sure you would somehow find time to make those appointments. If you keep drinking it will probably kill you, so I don't see much difference.
Why is it harder this time? Because every time you relapse it will get harder to quit again. This is why some people call alcoholism a progressive disease -- it gets worse and it gets harder to recover.
Best wishes.
How are you supposed to make time for meetings? Well I don't know, but I do know that if you want to be sober bad enough you will find a way to make it work. If you had a life threatening or debilitating illness that required regular doctor appointments to keep you alive I'm sure you would somehow find time to make those appointments. If you keep drinking it will probably kill you, so I don't see much difference.
Why is it harder this time? Because every time you relapse it will get harder to quit again. This is why some people call alcoholism a progressive disease -- it gets worse and it gets harder to recover.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Hi, just saw your post. I am so sorry for your losses and everything you have been through.
Congratulations, though, on wanting to remain sober!
I don't know if I have anything useful to add. I'm an ACOA rather than an alcoholic myself. I can say that in what I've seen of my family and the friends of the family I grew up around, I never saw anyone able to remain sober for long who wasn't in the AA program. I really do trust that program and believe in it.
I hope that you will be able to remain sober because one thing I can tell you with great assurance, is that it really sucks to grow up as a child of an active alcoholic.
Congratulations, though, on wanting to remain sober!
I don't know if I have anything useful to add. I'm an ACOA rather than an alcoholic myself. I can say that in what I've seen of my family and the friends of the family I grew up around, I never saw anyone able to remain sober for long who wasn't in the AA program. I really do trust that program and believe in it.
I hope that you will be able to remain sober because one thing I can tell you with great assurance, is that it really sucks to grow up as a child of an active alcoholic.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Hi,
Sorry. I read your post but I just didn't know where to begin with a reply to such a sad set of events. My first thought was, do you think you maybe you started drinking again after your daughter was born as a sort of delayed stress reaction? I mean, after losing 2 children, as well as being joyous, it must have been pretty scary for you being pregnant again... Maybe you were scared of the same thing happening again and it wasn't until things were going right for you that you reacted to the worry you had been feeling and turned to drink. I know that is common in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which despite what many people think, isn't just something that ex-soldiers get.
As for getting to meetings, I guess it's just a case of juggling things round, getting babysitters, driving to meetings that are further away but a more convenient time slot?
Sorry. I read your post but I just didn't know where to begin with a reply to such a sad set of events. My first thought was, do you think you maybe you started drinking again after your daughter was born as a sort of delayed stress reaction? I mean, after losing 2 children, as well as being joyous, it must have been pretty scary for you being pregnant again... Maybe you were scared of the same thing happening again and it wasn't until things were going right for you that you reacted to the worry you had been feeling and turned to drink. I know that is common in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which despite what many people think, isn't just something that ex-soldiers get.
As for getting to meetings, I guess it's just a case of juggling things round, getting babysitters, driving to meetings that are further away but a more convenient time slot?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Hey-
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, my (non-alcoholic) wife and I went through this last year.
As far as drinking - You need to get honest with yourself.
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
My version : We admitted & accepted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had (or eventually will) become unmanageable.
Are you, or are you not an alcoholic ? Your pattern is very similar to mine with regards to the ability to stop for longer periods of time. I sense that you are on the fence with regards to being an alcoholic or not.
I've accepted that I am an alcoholic and I can NEVER drink normally. Jumped with both feet into recovery and life is MUCH better.
I also made sobriety my #1 priority, as without it - I have (or will have) nothing.
Sure, I was angry for a while, but what exactly are you missing out on ?
I would suggest going to several AA meetings and finding the one that suits you.
Good luck !
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, my (non-alcoholic) wife and I went through this last year.
As far as drinking - You need to get honest with yourself.
Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
My version : We admitted & accepted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had (or eventually will) become unmanageable.
Are you, or are you not an alcoholic ? Your pattern is very similar to mine with regards to the ability to stop for longer periods of time. I sense that you are on the fence with regards to being an alcoholic or not.
I've accepted that I am an alcoholic and I can NEVER drink normally. Jumped with both feet into recovery and life is MUCH better.
I also made sobriety my #1 priority, as without it - I have (or will have) nothing.
Sure, I was angry for a while, but what exactly are you missing out on ?
I would suggest going to several AA meetings and finding the one that suits you.
Good luck !
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: A Happy Cloud :)
Posts: 63
I suggest you take your own advice. This is in your signature: "Without struggle, there is no progress" ~Frederick Douglass~
I have decided that before I even consider having a drink, I need to fix what's broken inside of me. Because if I never do, I'll always be upset or looking for something to numb the void. We all get drunk to cope in some kind of a way, and each person is different. I suggest talking to your therapist - maybe they've heard you say something that will zero in in what your internal struggle may be.
AA also is not the answer for everyone. There are many forums on this site for spiritual and secular support discussion. Keep bopping around until you find one that works for you!
I wish you well!
I have decided that before I even consider having a drink, I need to fix what's broken inside of me. Because if I never do, I'll always be upset or looking for something to numb the void. We all get drunk to cope in some kind of a way, and each person is different. I suggest talking to your therapist - maybe they've heard you say something that will zero in in what your internal struggle may be.
AA also is not the answer for everyone. There are many forums on this site for spiritual and secular support discussion. Keep bopping around until you find one that works for you!
I wish you well!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
I have to agree with everyone else on the meetings. You made time to drink, so now you will have to maketime for meetings. Its a pain in the butt, but its whats going to get you sober. A wise man told me to "never put anything in front of your meetings, or your sobriety"... sometimes we need to be reminded of that. Look at me, i relapsed as well, but I had my butt at a meeting this morning and probably go again tonight. It's not always convenient for you, but our drinking hasnt ever been convenient for ourselves or anyone else in our lives.
And how tragic to go through those losses! my heart breaks for you. Enjoy your baby girl!! cherish her everyday!!
And how tragic to go through those losses! my heart breaks for you. Enjoy your baby girl!! cherish her everyday!!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
First of all, my deep condolences for your losses. As a mother, I can imagine no deeper pain. I had to first put attention to this because what a series of events in your life to deal with. I am glad to hear you found a way to handle the loss of the last one. I was always burying my feelings, my losses, and even my wins in life through drinking. I never ever knew how to cope with the ups and downs. I'm still learning.
Currently I'm sober 3 years and have been apart from my husband since July because of selling a home or rather, not selling a home. My son and I were left back to sell and then move to the new State that husband is living after that small task was accomplished. Task is still not accomplished. Have I wanted to drink over this? The thought has passed through my mind and luckily, kept on moving. We are never above the thought of drinking. The thought is as far as it needs to go and you need to find a way to stop before the action takes over. If I had drank then the question that remains is could I ever stop again? I think I could with so much effort that it has made it not an option for me. I have an 8 year old son and currently I'm all he has until we are back together with his Dad. My situation is not even close to as devastating as yours, but I'm just giving you an example that if you can find the courage to stop for 24 hours and replay that motion, eventually you will give yourself moments of handling things without a drink in your hand.
Why is it harder to stay stopped for you this time? I would guess every time one relapses it gets harder and harder to stay sober. If you find you cannot do it on your own then seek out the help you need. If you can't get to AA then you must find another way.
I came to SR every time I felt like a drink in the beginning. I posted that I was having trouble. People helped by just hearing me and acknowledging me. You will NEVER be ignored here - EVER! It may just take time for people to formulate a response. We try to take every post serious because our posts were taken seriously too when we came here. You are very important to us and so we want you to know we hear you and what you are going through because we've been there. I don't mean the tragedies are the same, but the patterns are. I definitely played lots of games when I thought I should quit. I would switch liquors, days of the week, places I would drink and oh my - the list goes on. So see, you and I aren't so different and if I could do it then you can too.
Currently I'm sober 3 years and have been apart from my husband since July because of selling a home or rather, not selling a home. My son and I were left back to sell and then move to the new State that husband is living after that small task was accomplished. Task is still not accomplished. Have I wanted to drink over this? The thought has passed through my mind and luckily, kept on moving. We are never above the thought of drinking. The thought is as far as it needs to go and you need to find a way to stop before the action takes over. If I had drank then the question that remains is could I ever stop again? I think I could with so much effort that it has made it not an option for me. I have an 8 year old son and currently I'm all he has until we are back together with his Dad. My situation is not even close to as devastating as yours, but I'm just giving you an example that if you can find the courage to stop for 24 hours and replay that motion, eventually you will give yourself moments of handling things without a drink in your hand.
Why is it harder to stay stopped for you this time? I would guess every time one relapses it gets harder and harder to stay sober. If you find you cannot do it on your own then seek out the help you need. If you can't get to AA then you must find another way.
I came to SR every time I felt like a drink in the beginning. I posted that I was having trouble. People helped by just hearing me and acknowledging me. You will NEVER be ignored here - EVER! It may just take time for people to formulate a response. We try to take every post serious because our posts were taken seriously too when we came here. You are very important to us and so we want you to know we hear you and what you are going through because we've been there. I don't mean the tragedies are the same, but the patterns are. I definitely played lots of games when I thought I should quit. I would switch liquors, days of the week, places I would drink and oh my - the list goes on. So see, you and I aren't so different and if I could do it then you can too.
Editor
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pensacola, Florida
Posts: 1,516
shanman422- Everyone's journey is different. I played on the roller coaster ride of drinking, trying to moderate, wasting days of my life hung over or still drunk. You will hear on here that alcoholism is a progressive disease. In my opinion they are 100% correct. I am still trying to figure out when it went from being fun....to taking over my life. I finally had to drawl the line in the sand. I had a life to live and children to live for. Your AV still tells you that it is fun.....Your brain knows better and that is why you are here! Good on you. As for choosing a path. That is the fun part. It is all up to you!
I wish you the best of luck
Dave
I wish you the best of luck
Dave
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
Thanks so much for the responses all! I was feeling quite discouraged... and obviously impatient!! haha...
I just looked up local AA meetings in my area and to my surprise there are a few locations down the road from my house which was nice to see.
Horselover - I remember you from when I first started coming to SR 3 years ago! That is fantastic that you have remained sober, something to be quite proud of!
MyNewName - I was unbelieveably worried though out my pregnancy with my DD! I begged for Ultrasounds any chance I could to make sure everthing was ok! Which is probably why during my pregnancy my brain tricked me into believing I could drink again.
Ok... so I have made a decision... today is back to #1. Even when I posted this I wasn't sure what I wanted... to continue living on knowing I had a problem and not doing anything about it? Or making the best decision I could for myself by stopping the madness!
Now it's time for me to discuss this with my husband. I think that is part of my struggle is no one views me as having a problem, but myself. My husband can tell me he supports my decision all he wants, but bottom line I often feel alone in this battle!! I could tell him today I want to stop and need his support, then tomorrow change my mind and he will say like he always has "Whatever you want to do honey!"
I just looked up local AA meetings in my area and to my surprise there are a few locations down the road from my house which was nice to see.
Horselover - I remember you from when I first started coming to SR 3 years ago! That is fantastic that you have remained sober, something to be quite proud of!
MyNewName - I was unbelieveably worried though out my pregnancy with my DD! I begged for Ultrasounds any chance I could to make sure everthing was ok! Which is probably why during my pregnancy my brain tricked me into believing I could drink again.
Ok... so I have made a decision... today is back to #1. Even when I posted this I wasn't sure what I wanted... to continue living on knowing I had a problem and not doing anything about it? Or making the best decision I could for myself by stopping the madness!
Now it's time for me to discuss this with my husband. I think that is part of my struggle is no one views me as having a problem, but myself. My husband can tell me he supports my decision all he wants, but bottom line I often feel alone in this battle!! I could tell him today I want to stop and need his support, then tomorrow change my mind and he will say like he always has "Whatever you want to do honey!"
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Awesome decisioins and btw, I remember you also. My husband was like that also S, until I got REALLY bad and then he was saying he would leave me and take my son. Luckily, he didn't because I sobered up and he says, he wouldn't have, but why tempt fate? You are NOT alone and as I said we are here. We are here. (Sorry that's from the Dr. Seuss tale, but we are.) You post ANYtime and someone will respond. I also lack in the patience area and that's why house selling is not my favorite activity. Talk soon!!! So happy for your decision. You rock!!
You post ANYtime and someone will respond. I also lack in the patience area and that's why house selling is not my favorite activity. Talk soon!!! So happy for your decision. You rock!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Posts: 193
Very sorry for your losses 
Your story sounds almost identical to mine in that you went the long period of time sober and then put together some months after a relapse. It does seem strange that each time it is harder and harder, but like was said above I think that's part of the disease being progressive, and just baffling. One of the hardest things about this go round for me, has been accepting the fact that no one can battle this disease but me. I think with each relapse we come to closer and closer to this truth for us. While we can choose to consciously lie to ourselves, or deny our condition, deep down we know that we cannot successfully drink. It doesn't help that ppl like us are over analytical and look to others on how we should feel. I've heard it said that "no one knows loneliness like an alcoholic." It's up to us to find what works and to take responsibility for our sobriety.
I feel your struggle about going to meetings I also have the same problem. But what has helped me is working the steps, this forum, reading all I can about ALL parts of alcoholism, and treating my recovery as a journey of self awareness and growth. I do these things not as a replacement for lack of A.A meetings but to build up times when I can't get to a meeting or get a hold of my sponsor.
It sounds like you are in the right place keep up the good decision momentum!
Your story sounds almost identical to mine in that you went the long period of time sober and then put together some months after a relapse. It does seem strange that each time it is harder and harder, but like was said above I think that's part of the disease being progressive, and just baffling. One of the hardest things about this go round for me, has been accepting the fact that no one can battle this disease but me. I think with each relapse we come to closer and closer to this truth for us. While we can choose to consciously lie to ourselves, or deny our condition, deep down we know that we cannot successfully drink. It doesn't help that ppl like us are over analytical and look to others on how we should feel. I've heard it said that "no one knows loneliness like an alcoholic." It's up to us to find what works and to take responsibility for our sobriety.
I feel your struggle about going to meetings I also have the same problem. But what has helped me is working the steps, this forum, reading all I can about ALL parts of alcoholism, and treating my recovery as a journey of self awareness and growth. I do these things not as a replacement for lack of A.A meetings but to build up times when I can't get to a meeting or get a hold of my sponsor.
It sounds like you are in the right place
keep up the good decision momentum!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Welcome back Shanman
If my experience is any guide, alcoholism is progressive whether we realise it or not - I ran the gamut...I started as a very occasional drinker, became a regular one, quickly became a binger, and then slowly progressed over years to an all day drinker.
I'm glad you've decided that today is day #1 and that you're thinking about real life support as well as SR - I think support was the gamechanger for me - it was really a revelation to me to realise I didn't have to battle this on my own
D
If my experience is any guide, alcoholism is progressive whether we realise it or not - I ran the gamut...I started as a very occasional drinker, became a regular one, quickly became a binger, and then slowly progressed over years to an all day drinker.
I'm glad you've decided that today is day #1 and that you're thinking about real life support as well as SR - I think support was the gamechanger for me - it was really a revelation to me to realise I didn't have to battle this on my own
D
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
So I talked to hubby and his response... why don't you just limit yourself to once a week? haha... no matter how many times I try and explain this disease, he will never be able to wrap himself around it.
Yes this is my battle, but it's very hard to feel alone in this.... meaning hubby "supports me", but just because you say it doesn't mean that's enough! Then at times I think why should I expect anything in regards to my sobriety from him? Is there anyone out there that has a similar situation as far as your SO not feeling like you even have a problem?
Right now I am so glad that I have SR!!!!
Yes this is my battle, but it's very hard to feel alone in this.... meaning hubby "supports me", but just because you say it doesn't mean that's enough! Then at times I think why should I expect anything in regards to my sobriety from him? Is there anyone out there that has a similar situation as far as your SO not feeling like you even have a problem?
Right now I am so glad that I have SR!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Firstly, I am very sorry for the losses you have gone through and so glad you have a healthy child.
When I stopped drinking, I felt SO alone, terribly alone. And, it wasn't because my husband didn't think I had a problem. He definitely knew I did, but he had stepped away emotionally and I was completely on my own. I completely understand how you want the support of your husband, but I can tell you for sure, that you can do this without leaning on him. And, you will learn more about yourself and you will become a better and stronger person for it.
When I stopped drinking, I felt SO alone, terribly alone. And, it wasn't because my husband didn't think I had a problem. He definitely knew I did, but he had stepped away emotionally and I was completely on my own. I completely understand how you want the support of your husband, but I can tell you for sure, that you can do this without leaning on him. And, you will learn more about yourself and you will become a better and stronger person for it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by shanman422 
Is there anyone out there that has a similar situation as far as your SO not feeling like you even have a problem?
Maybe it would help if he read more on it, maybe starting with this forum, so he can learn to understand a little better. In the meantime, if you accept he doesn't totally 'get it' but make sure he understands that whether or not he thinks you have a problem, YOU DO! And bottom line: you MUST NOT DRINK AT ALL!
If he can get that, hopefully things will improve.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
Shan, I have dealt with the same issues with my SO. Infact, I had spoken of my relapse in other threads, and didnt mention, that he actually went out and bought me more wine!! He says he supoorts me in my journey, but I have yet to ask him at what lengths. He has asked me several times to stop drinking as much, never suggested I quit all the way. That choice was made by me. I have heard around the tables so many times, that our SO dont necessarily want us to change, because they will be forced to look a little deeper into their own issues and not have the "control" that they currently have, while we are drunk and useless. I believe in my case, that he (my husband) starts to feel guilty about his own guilty pleasures, that yes have created unmanagability in his life. His drug of choice is marijuana. IF I cant quit drinking, then he has the upper hand, and thats where he feels comfortable. Bottom line, is, it doesnt matter what extent he supports you, as long as he isnt throwing a bottle of booze in your face once a week, because he feels like you can drink. You are the only one who can make those choices. If you feel more comfortable as a non drinker, rather than a moderate drinker, then you need to express that to him and get your butt to a meeting to get the kind of support that you need!!! thats just my honest opinion. It has worked with me, and I have had great results. Why did I relapse? I didnt put my meetings or my higher power in front of everything that day... and I know that. Thats a decision I cant afford to make again. Best of luck honey!!!!
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