Nyx

I have been sober (with no support) since December 1st 2010 and have finally met my most difficult situation, challenging me to staying that way.

My husband, who has a serious drinking problem (imo), has continued to drink throughout my sobriety. That has been a challenge for me to say the least. This past weekend he embarrassed me for the millionth time at a wedding reception, after he promised me that he would not drink (because he always does this and he knows it). It felt even worse than previous times because, of course, I was sober.

Long story short, he has never apologized for any of these "occasions" -collected throughout the last 18 years--and will not for this. Instead, it's being twisted around to.. it's ME that is not fun anymore and I ruined HIS time.

He's now continuing on with this attitude at home. I'm at the point of no return. He either stops drinking and disrespecting me or he cannot stay. Our anniversary is The 28th. So I'm very depressed that it has come to this, and don't know what to do.

Today, I'm really feeling like saying screw it all and having a drink to relieve the stress, frustration and disrespect that I am feeling.

I would love some help or ideas on how to get through this.

tia

EmeraldRose

Well, first of all....for you to drink would be very unproductive and I think you know it after keeping up your sobriety for so long. It is hard having a spouse that refuses to see that the drinking is the problem not the sobriety.
I hate to say it but maybe it is time for alittle split up to see where you are at in your head and your life and to see that he will continue his spiral of booze.
It is an aweful feeling to have drinkers place the blame on someone else for their ignorance -do not use this as an excuse. Not productive.
It hard to give 'advice' on this type of situation I think it's easier just to be here and be supportive. The choice is ultimately up to you if you want to have future success in your sobriety.
Congratulations thusfar!! =)

FridayJude

Nyx... OMG! The first thing I have to say is WOW! The strength that you have to STAY sober while with someone who is not sober, is commendable!
I've always said, that if I was with someone who drank while I tried to remain sober... ah NO! Staying sober under normal circumstances, is hard enough, but then add into that equation... the pull of another's addiction... sounds like alot to ask for. Perhaps it's time to focus on YOU for awhile!

Your ability to stay sober, speaks volumes about what you really want for you! This sobriety thing is for YOU and about YOU, and no one else. YOUR health and happiness... it boils down to one thing...

This is about you!

I'm very sorry to hear about the issues with your husband, but he has to deal with his own stuff, right?

Stay the course, and stay here with us... check in, lean, vent... and continue to post! We are all here for you!

FJ

MyNewName

Just to play Devil's Advocate; would you have stopped drinking when you did because someone else gave you an ultimatum and ordered you to stop? Or would it have had to wait until you made the choice yourself?

I think if your husband won't accept he has a problem, you can't force him to stop. He has to make the choice himself... I also don't think having a drink is going to help either of you. Getting drunk will definitely only make things worse for you and you will also blame your husband and use it as an excuse to carry on.

Eliasson

I am in the exact same position you are in but am only 46 days sober. You are a wonderful example to me that it CAN be done. I keep going back to drinking because it is so hard to not drink while my husband does. But I know I have to do this for myself. And my children. I sympathize with you I know how difficult it is but please don't give up your sobriety I have to believe you can do this and not pick up no matter what. Your sobriety gives me hope for the future. So many people have told me it's nearly impossible to stay sober with a drinking spouse. I want to be the one that proves them wrong. And I want you to be that one too. Stay true to yourself. Big hugs to you.

amy55

Hi Nyx, and welcome to SR

I was also put in this position. I once stopped drinking for 2 1/2 years. I didn't intentionally stop drinking, I stopped because I went on a diet. It took me several months to lose the weight that I wanted to, but once I did, I didn't start drinking again then, I felt too good being sober. I went another 2 years without drinking, while all the time he would sarcastically call me a "saint" for not drinking, and tell me that I wasn't fun anymore, and he would go out with his friends so that he would have a drinking buddy. Of course I was blamed for him going out drinking, not calling me to let me know, or he would not come home at all. It was "all my fault".

So, after 2 years, and repeated abusive fights, I started to drink again, to numb myself. Then the fighting was my fault because I was drinking.

I wish that I never "picked up" again. I liked "me" then.

So 5 years later, going on divorced for 9 months, I am getting sober this time intentionally, so I can start liking myself again.

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

First, congrats for taking care of you and
ur recovery and sobriety by staying sober
under difficult situations. It's not easy, but
as long as you have a program and tools
of recovery to live by and incorperate in ur
everyday life, then u can conquer those
situations.

My 25 yr. marriage ended on a good note
but sad because I grew and changed in
recovery. My husband and 2 kids who i
call normal folks with no addiction where
confused of my changes and our communication
became diffucult.

As was mention to me 21 yrs ago when I
got sober, when one in the family is sick
that it affects the entire family. To be a healthy
family all need to have some sort of program
to work and incorperate in their daily lives.

In my family we were lopsided....not balanced.

Anyway.....thru out my recovery I took care
of me thru all situations and continue to grow
and enjoy a new change in life. A new marriage
with both of us in recovery and each working
his own program.

It's not easy, but saving ur marriage is doable
if both of you are willing to go to any lengths to
work at ur marriage together.

Some marriages survive in recovery and many
fail. And all are different. Work on you first on
ur own recovery making sure you are building
a strong foundation to live upon for the rest of
ur life and then try on ur marriage.

I did and still do and life today is rewarding as
long as i am sober first and formost.

21 yrs strong sober today.

Impurrfect

(((Nyx))) - though I left my XABF who continued to use crack (an addiction we shared) because I chose recovery, I've also had to work on my codependency issues. Nothing would make me want to get numb faster than being in a position where I wanted to fix someone or something and wasn't able to.

I swore to myself that I would never let another man or substance have control of my life (something I'd done for 20+ years). You don't have the power to make him quit, he doesn't have the power to make you drink..unless you give him that power.

SR has been a huge part of my recoveries (addiction and codependency) and I hope you keep reading/posting and don't pick up a drink.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Horselover

I was given an ultimatium and did quit, but I believe I was ready this time. My husband had never before stood up to me about my drinking, but I remember that night as if it was yesterday. I had argued with him and got in our van. I was ready to drive to my Mom's and she was, at the time, over an hour's drive away. I had never drank and drove and never thought too. I drank at home. No need to drive. That night, however, had I drove I know it would have ended really badly. He turned off the van and took the keys. We did not speak until the next day when I was sober. That night and what could have happened still scares me. So I think the combination of that and all I could have lost is what helped drive me to sober up. Your husband needs to discover his own reasons of sobering up and you also. There is no solution in a drink. None whatsoever!

Dee74

Hi Nyx

Welcome to SR & congratulations on your sober time -there's some great advice here

I never accomplished anything by drinking over another person - but believe me I tried.
Ultimately they just kept on doing what they wanted, and I ended up punishing myself for it.

That's not right.

Have you checked out our family and friends forums too? you'll find more support and encouragement there as well

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Nyx

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and ideas. I see now that I'm not alone. I am here in a strange City. 0 friends because I don't get out much and work 100% of the time at home.

I have not drank today. Instead I wrote him a letter (email) about taking a GOOD look at himself, how he made me feel (AGAIN), and that I'm done being put in these positions while trying to care for myself... then took a long nap to keep away from his reaction to the letter.

He doesn't think that he has a problem (although he said he has on several occasions) and as said here already, now I'm "the saint" whenever I bring up his quitting. The fact that he didn't join me when I began, hurt and still does.

It WAS difficult living in a home where drinking carried on--when I began recovery. Now it really doesn't phase me--but seeing HIM drunk acting the fool does.


I realize that we cannot make someone else stop drinking/using. That's very tough when someone needs fixing and I can now see that (clearly)!

I started drinking because I have Lupus and the medication I was given made me so sick, I just self medicated my pain and nerves with alcohol instead. Sometimes I mixed that with the xanax I was prescribed. I've been clean from all medications for over 5 years, but live to tell about coming down from xanax cold turkey--no medical assistance. I almost died doing that.

I stopped drinking because I was tired of feeling like crap, and because I wanted to set an example for my children who are reaching young adult ages.

I never want them to think that a drinking fixes anything.

Nyx

Thank you D. I've been reading here all day and will check those forums out as well this evening. I'm very grateful for everyone's replies.