Out of the frying pan
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Out of the frying pan
I spent the summer in my home state taking care of my brother who is an addict. He's now safely in rehab and making good progress. While I was there, I reconnected with a high school friend and we started a relationship. He was wonderful with me, my family and just a joy to be around. When I returned to my own home, he came with me. I thought I was falling in love.
That was when things changed. He has anxiety issues that never came out until we got to my house. He drinks pretty much all the time when he isn't working. Without alcohol, everything is great between us. When he drinks, he takes everything out of context, takes offense where none is intended and also just doesn't sleep. I've been sick for two weeks because I'm not getting enough sleep due to his erratic schedule.
It's been a month since we got here today and I spend most of my time unable to relax because even when things are great I'm wondering how long it will last. The next day he always says he sees what he did or said that was wrong, but he won't admit alcohol is an issue for him. He finally admitted that liquor made him a different person, but that doesn't stop him from drinking it later. The other night he only had beer and wine and still he got angry over simple things. We were having a good time, and suddenly I could see the switch. Someone made a comment that set him off and then he was hell bent on having a fight. I spent the night at a friends to avoid it because I'm just worn out.
I'm posting now for strength, because I don't want to hurt him but I know what I have to do. I can't live my life like this and having 6+ blow ups in a month, 6+ ruined evenings due to alcohol, is enough, right? I don't want him to feel rejected (he has major abandonment issues, too) but how can I ever hope to have a healthy relationship with someone that uses alcohol to cope with every day life?
That was when things changed. He has anxiety issues that never came out until we got to my house. He drinks pretty much all the time when he isn't working. Without alcohol, everything is great between us. When he drinks, he takes everything out of context, takes offense where none is intended and also just doesn't sleep. I've been sick for two weeks because I'm not getting enough sleep due to his erratic schedule.
It's been a month since we got here today and I spend most of my time unable to relax because even when things are great I'm wondering how long it will last. The next day he always says he sees what he did or said that was wrong, but he won't admit alcohol is an issue for him. He finally admitted that liquor made him a different person, but that doesn't stop him from drinking it later. The other night he only had beer and wine and still he got angry over simple things. We were having a good time, and suddenly I could see the switch. Someone made a comment that set him off and then he was hell bent on having a fight. I spent the night at a friends to avoid it because I'm just worn out.
I'm posting now for strength, because I don't want to hurt him but I know what I have to do. I can't live my life like this and having 6+ blow ups in a month, 6+ ruined evenings due to alcohol, is enough, right? I don't want him to feel rejected (he has major abandonment issues, too) but how can I ever hope to have a healthy relationship with someone that uses alcohol to cope with every day life?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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In my opinion if it impacts you it does not matter how many times it is. You get to be part of the relationship and have equal value in it. One would be enough in that instance.
I am glad you are here. I understand the struggle of being impacted by alcohol use from all sides. I get how overwhelming it can be.
Take care of you.
I am glad you are here. I understand the struggle of being impacted by alcohol use from all sides. I get how overwhelming it can be.
Take care of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Sounds like hard work for you, isn't it odd that he has abandonment issues and he is behaving in a manner that's going to drive you away? Coming into contact with Alcohol problems the irrational behaviour presents itself in so many different ways-sometimes I think my partner uses it through anxiety, sometimes depression and others because she plainly wants to get sloshed-whichever way it turns into a big bore.
Hope you make the right call-all the best.
Hope you make the right call-all the best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
This may sound harsh, but...you won't hurt him as much as you think you will. Alcoholics, and he sure sounds like one, don't really have relationships with people. They find someone to hang onto for a while and when that's over, they move on. You haven't been with him all that long, so if you are having problems already, you know it will only get worse. You have a brother who is alcoholic, so do you really want to have a relationship, such as it is, with one? You have choices here.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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I have to agree with ((Suki)). I have THREE XABFs and every one of them acted hurt for what seemed like seconds, then quickly moved on to someone else...preferably someone who would let them do what they wanted (drink/use) and when they wanted.
I spent decades in these relationships, and forgot who's feelings really mattered - mine. It never got better, only worse, and I sunk into codieness more each time.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you're not walking around on eggshells, wondering when the next evening is going to be ruined. In most "normal" early relationships, people are on their best behavior. If this is his best, are you really prepared for the worst?
Do what is right for YOU, sweetie. How he reacts or feels is on him. This is coming from a codie-in-recovery AND an RA. Having sunk to low bottoms on both accounts, I've decided I don't want a relationship unless it contributes to my life..we both get some good out of it, deal with the bad stuff as a team. It's not easy to end a relationship in the best of terms, but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be ended.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I spent decades in these relationships, and forgot who's feelings really mattered - mine. It never got better, only worse, and I sunk into codieness more each time.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you're not walking around on eggshells, wondering when the next evening is going to be ruined. In most "normal" early relationships, people are on their best behavior. If this is his best, are you really prepared for the worst?
Do what is right for YOU, sweetie. How he reacts or feels is on him. This is coming from a codie-in-recovery AND an RA. Having sunk to low bottoms on both accounts, I've decided I don't want a relationship unless it contributes to my life..we both get some good out of it, deal with the bad stuff as a team. It's not easy to end a relationship in the best of terms, but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be ended.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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He just came home and I'd hardly seen him since Friday. I was around during the day yesterday until a friend asked me to come visit. When I came home at 9pm, he was on his way out. This morning I got up and went to the flea market, returned around noon and went back to sleep. He came home tonight drinking. Said he wanted to talk but then got angry when I told him I don't want to talk while he's drinking. It resulted in a huge blow up. I can't keep my cool while being yelled at, cussed at, blamed for everything.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
If you stay with him, then you are just volunteering for more of the same. My sponsor used to tell me 'If you don't want to be a doormat, then get up off the floor'. I hope that doesn't offend you - it is not meant to, but I WAS behaving like a doormat for an alcoholic, and boy, did he wipe his feet on me..........! You deserve so much more than this. Start believing it. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Stick to your guns, make him sit down sober and face you! When he raises his voice tell him to knock it off, if he continues to yell at you please get up and walk away from him.
Are you safe when he is like this, do you have a safe place to go, don't let this continue, please kick his butt out before something happens, he needs to get his ducks in a row for you guys to have any chance of a real relationship.
Please take care, come back often and let us know you are ok.
Are you safe when he is like this, do you have a safe place to go, don't let this continue, please kick his butt out before something happens, he needs to get his ducks in a row for you guys to have any chance of a real relationship.
Please take care, come back often and let us know you are ok.
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Thank you all for your words of wisdom and advice. You are all right.
I do have many places to go, but feel safe here at home. if that changes I will absolutely leave. I haven't seen signs that he would become violent but will be vigilant and I trust my instincts. I also have two grad students living here, and they are home now so I'm not in the house alone.
Suki I am so glad you said that. I'll be sad later for me, but right now I've been focused on not wanting to hurt him while maintaining my own boundaries. His behavior is so unattractive and unpleasant that it made the decision easier. Thinking he will just move right on to the next one makes me feel even less guilty.
painterman that is the terribly sad thing. I do love him and it really looked like we had the opportunity for a great relationship.
He left again and called a few times. Then he wouldn't answer the phone. I finally got through and he said he's taking a walk to get out his aggression and anger.
I told him earlier I would drive him back to our home state, or that I would get him a plane ticket. I also called my brother (the one not in rehab, yet he's def got his own problems) so family is aware things are not going well.
I do have many places to go, but feel safe here at home. if that changes I will absolutely leave. I haven't seen signs that he would become violent but will be vigilant and I trust my instincts. I also have two grad students living here, and they are home now so I'm not in the house alone.
Suki I am so glad you said that. I'll be sad later for me, but right now I've been focused on not wanting to hurt him while maintaining my own boundaries. His behavior is so unattractive and unpleasant that it made the decision easier. Thinking he will just move right on to the next one makes me feel even less guilty.
painterman that is the terribly sad thing. I do love him and it really looked like we had the opportunity for a great relationship.
He left again and called a few times. Then he wouldn't answer the phone. I finally got through and he said he's taking a walk to get out his aggression and anger.
I told him earlier I would drive him back to our home state, or that I would get him a plane ticket. I also called my brother (the one not in rehab, yet he's def got his own problems) so family is aware things are not going well.
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Things settled down for a bit, he came and apologized and even admitted he doesn't act right when he's drinking. He said he didn't mean anything he said and that he loves me and I've only been loving to him. I told him it was hard to hear in one breath that I'm so terrible, then to hear him trying to take it all back.
Then I went downstairs to get something to eat finally, and figured out he'd poured himself a drink and left it outside. He got upset when I wasn't responding quickly enough or interacting enough with him, even though just a moment before he'd been on the phone. I told him I didn't want to talk to him while he was drinking, and that I knew he'd just poured another drink.
There's more but it eventually led to me letting him know that he is not welcome to drink my liquor, that he's not welcome to drink liquor in my house ever again, that must speak to me respectfully or that he can get out this very instant. I wasn't particularly kind, in fact I was the opposite of nice. I told him not to speak to me again tonight, not to call or text and that if he is lucky I may be willing to speak to him in the morning. And I let him know I meant it. I also told him I am DONE. His choices are to either abide by these rules and finish the work he wants to finish, or get out immediately. I told him I'd buy him a bus ticket (yes, I've downgraded it to a bus ticket, why should I spend money I don't have?) He seemed to understand I meant business and looked stricken and shocked. When I told him I was done he said "Don't say that, why would you say that?" I also just told him not to try and make me feel badly again, this is not a situation of my making and I cannot fix it. I told him that I don't feel one bit badly about anything I've said or done here.
And I don't feel bad about my words or actions, but I do feel very sad for him and anyone going through what he's living with. It's very very sad to watch someone destroy whatever is good around them.
Then I went downstairs to get something to eat finally, and figured out he'd poured himself a drink and left it outside. He got upset when I wasn't responding quickly enough or interacting enough with him, even though just a moment before he'd been on the phone. I told him I didn't want to talk to him while he was drinking, and that I knew he'd just poured another drink.
There's more but it eventually led to me letting him know that he is not welcome to drink my liquor, that he's not welcome to drink liquor in my house ever again, that must speak to me respectfully or that he can get out this very instant. I wasn't particularly kind, in fact I was the opposite of nice. I told him not to speak to me again tonight, not to call or text and that if he is lucky I may be willing to speak to him in the morning. And I let him know I meant it. I also told him I am DONE. His choices are to either abide by these rules and finish the work he wants to finish, or get out immediately. I told him I'd buy him a bus ticket (yes, I've downgraded it to a bus ticket, why should I spend money I don't have?) He seemed to understand I meant business and looked stricken and shocked. When I told him I was done he said "Don't say that, why would you say that?" I also just told him not to try and make me feel badly again, this is not a situation of my making and I cannot fix it. I told him that I don't feel one bit badly about anything I've said or done here.
And I don't feel bad about my words or actions, but I do feel very sad for him and anyone going through what he's living with. It's very very sad to watch someone destroy whatever is good around them.
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Stick to those boundaries like your life depends on them.....IT DOES.
Frankly I think you were more than generous to offer him a bus ticket, as I'd have given him a box of bandaid strips and told him to "start walking".
This is at the beginning of the relationship, when things are usually at their best and he is behaving this way already? Imagine what could, and most probably does lie ahead for you when he believes he has you REALLY hooked? YUK.
You decide who is in your home, and what behavior is acceptable to you. His actions and words were not what you expected or wanted and it is your right to send him back.
Big hugs to you.
Frankly I think you were more than generous to offer him a bus ticket, as I'd have given him a box of bandaid strips and told him to "start walking".
This is at the beginning of the relationship, when things are usually at their best and he is behaving this way already? Imagine what could, and most probably does lie ahead for you when he believes he has you REALLY hooked? YUK.
You decide who is in your home, and what behavior is acceptable to you. His actions and words were not what you expected or wanted and it is your right to send him back.
Big hugs to you.
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Grrr... I feel anger.
He is, of course feeling shame and sorrow. I don't know what I feel about him or this situation right now except anger and sadness.
We have a plan for moving forward which involves him leaving indefinitely to work elsewhere, after he finishes the jobs he agreed to do. This is work that I found for him, for people that are my friends so I don't want him to leave without finishing.
The house is kind of awkward. I'm struggling a little today, so burying myself in work/internet stuff. I know that he hates that. If I talk, I'm only going to make him feel worse and I don't see the point. Though yesterday I did tell him I was feeling angry and needed to work through it.
It's raining today so he was only able to do a little of the work he has on his plate. I wanted to paint the bathroom and he ended up doing the entire thing (that wasn't my intention at all) I think things like that make him feel like he's doing more for me than he really is doing. I'm not certain, but I believe we have very different attitudes about it. Mine being that he's living in my house, borrowing my car and often borrowing money when he doesn't have any, so painting a small bathroom is about the least one could do.
He is, of course feeling shame and sorrow. I don't know what I feel about him or this situation right now except anger and sadness.
We have a plan for moving forward which involves him leaving indefinitely to work elsewhere, after he finishes the jobs he agreed to do. This is work that I found for him, for people that are my friends so I don't want him to leave without finishing.
The house is kind of awkward. I'm struggling a little today, so burying myself in work/internet stuff. I know that he hates that. If I talk, I'm only going to make him feel worse and I don't see the point. Though yesterday I did tell him I was feeling angry and needed to work through it.
It's raining today so he was only able to do a little of the work he has on his plate. I wanted to paint the bathroom and he ended up doing the entire thing (that wasn't my intention at all) I think things like that make him feel like he's doing more for me than he really is doing. I'm not certain, but I believe we have very different attitudes about it. Mine being that he's living in my house, borrowing my car and often borrowing money when he doesn't have any, so painting a small bathroom is about the least one could do.
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@nodaybut2day Yes, I think you may have misunderstood. I'm not "kicking him out" unless he pulls that crap again.
What I'm doing is taking him back to our homestate when it's convenient for me (there's a tentative date set and I have several important/exciting reasons for going myself), and he's completing the obligations he has here with connections of mine. Meanwhile, there are actual boundaries in place now and he understands that violating those will land him on the street instantaneously, with no sympathy.
I can't tell you he's not going to cross that line, but I can tell you that he will get the promised results if he does. I'm actually very good about that with children, pets and people that behave like one or the other and cross my lines once they are in place.
What I'm doing is taking him back to our homestate when it's convenient for me (there's a tentative date set and I have several important/exciting reasons for going myself), and he's completing the obligations he has here with connections of mine. Meanwhile, there are actual boundaries in place now and he understands that violating those will land him on the street instantaneously, with no sympathy.
I can't tell you he's not going to cross that line, but I can tell you that he will get the promised results if he does. I'm actually very good about that with children, pets and people that behave like one or the other and cross my lines once they are in place.
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@Anvil It felt like mostly like a pound rescue from the time we got on the road to come to my house all the way up until Sunday. For a month before that, it was something entirely different. Some signs were probably there (he was never drunk, but grabbed a beer *immediately* after work everyday. He hardly ever drank liquor and the one time we had an issue I attributed it to stress of being in the situation we were in) , but for the month that he stayed with us in my home state he was working very hard both for my uncle and around the house we lived in. He was a wonderful companion and friend to me and to all outward appearances he was the kind of man I'd want to spend my life with. My family agreed and adored him, and they aren't the easiest folks to impress.
Once we hit the road to come to my house, his behavior changed. A side of him came out that I didn't know existed. Things aren't perfect here, but no matter what, this manner of handling stress and anxiety, by abusing alcohol, is a deal breaker for me. And there's no changing the truth. Despite all his promises (which were actually falling on deaf ears anyway, since I don't believe someone with this kind of problem is likely to change without serious help) and despite him saying he knows he just can't drink liquor, and despite some pretty bad health concerns, I've learned that he drank liquor just a couple of days later. He's not going to stop and I won't live my life with someone puts alcohol before their own health and happiness or mine.
I also know that he's been telling others that I just don't want a relationship. He has said this to his friends and also to some of mine. He has accused me of just looking for a way out, but the fact is, I don't need a way out. I'm an expert at ending relationships I don't want to be in and really don't feel any grief or regret about that. So what I am realizing is that *he* is looking for a way out. Whether it is because my feelings about his drinking habits is *his* deal breaker, or because he's not happy here, or because we just aren't compatible.... he wants out but doesn't want to face that. And that's okay with me.
He has about 4 more days of work to complete, if it ever stops raining. That will give him some cash. I have an event to attend next Saturday but may cancel and go ahead and drive him back sooner. Otherwise I expect to be on the road a week from Sunday. I have plans there with my family that I absolutely don't want to miss or I wouldn't bother to go along at all. I'm sad and know it will be a tough trip, but I don't see any other option. Meanwhile things have been calm here since Sunday night. We both know it's the end of anything but friendship with us, but aren't talking about it.
Once we hit the road to come to my house, his behavior changed. A side of him came out that I didn't know existed. Things aren't perfect here, but no matter what, this manner of handling stress and anxiety, by abusing alcohol, is a deal breaker for me. And there's no changing the truth. Despite all his promises (which were actually falling on deaf ears anyway, since I don't believe someone with this kind of problem is likely to change without serious help) and despite him saying he knows he just can't drink liquor, and despite some pretty bad health concerns, I've learned that he drank liquor just a couple of days later. He's not going to stop and I won't live my life with someone puts alcohol before their own health and happiness or mine.
I also know that he's been telling others that I just don't want a relationship. He has said this to his friends and also to some of mine. He has accused me of just looking for a way out, but the fact is, I don't need a way out. I'm an expert at ending relationships I don't want to be in and really don't feel any grief or regret about that. So what I am realizing is that *he* is looking for a way out. Whether it is because my feelings about his drinking habits is *his* deal breaker, or because he's not happy here, or because we just aren't compatible.... he wants out but doesn't want to face that. And that's okay with me.
He has about 4 more days of work to complete, if it ever stops raining. That will give him some cash. I have an event to attend next Saturday but may cancel and go ahead and drive him back sooner. Otherwise I expect to be on the road a week from Sunday. I have plans there with my family that I absolutely don't want to miss or I wouldn't bother to go along at all. I'm sad and know it will be a tough trip, but I don't see any other option. Meanwhile things have been calm here since Sunday night. We both know it's the end of anything but friendship with us, but aren't talking about it.
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