luvmyfurbabies

So I mentioned on here recently of my intent to move next door to our garage apartment that's empty since my mom passed away last year. I have been trying to get the apartment ready, cleaning, moving things out, etc. My 2 issues have been the dogs fence (it stops at the back of the garage) and the internet. The apartment has a pet door, as does our house, but there's no way for the dogs to get to it without extending the fence (not cheap). I have finally received my wireless router from Comcast but am finding out I may have to buy a new computer (I will if I have to). The guilt I speak of in my title is the feelings I keep having of......well he's not that bad, he works hard, maybe it's my fault and so on. With a case of low esteem anyway this only makes it worse. I should know that I deserve to be happy, but am I ever going to be happy. I said last year that 2011 had to be better but it's just as bad. In 1 year my mom passed away, I lost my job due to a bank merger, my nephew committed suicide, my sister had an artery that was blocked almost 100%, I had to have a cat euthanized (she was 16) and I live with an alcoholic. This Sh** is getting old. On the bright side I did get to go to Arizona on vacation with my sister in March. My first plane trip at age 50 and I did find a great job at a local college. Now if I could just get my thoughts to be mostly positive. Any thoughts you guys have would be most appreciated.

Kittyboo

It's not guilt, it's the fear of the unknown thinking that the future would be worse than where you are right now. It's uncomfortable and the idea of staying with something you already know, no matter how unhappy you may be seems to be more comforting than change.

BUT, you are unhappy. And say you don't take this chance to move out, how long would it take before you wish you had?

If you're asking yourself if you will ever be happy, It means you're not happy now, so how will you ever know if you don't take this brave step? You know that you're not happy where you are and where you have been.

I am so sorry for the year you have had. It sounds draining and traumatic, and just difficult. I would also like to point out that you said "on the bright side I did get to go to Arizona on vacation with my sister in March. My first plane trip at age 50 and I did find a great job at a local college" -- even with everything you've been through you still managed to say "on the bright side". That shows A LOT of strength, and that you really do try to think of good things in your life to outweigh the bad.

Imagine what other kinds of "firsts" you could do at the age of 50! Try not to be motivated in the opposite direction by fear. Try to be motivated by excitement of the unknown.
Like your tag says "put one foot in front of the other"...small steps can take you far.

suki44883

I agree with kitty. It's not guilt but fear of the unknown. The dogs will be fine, you'll figure out how to make that part work.

There is only one of those things you have any control over. This is your chance, and if you don't do it now, in all likelihood, you'll regret it soon. You can do this. You've begun to take charge of your life...don't back off now.

Willybluedog

So sorry that things are hard right now, I am glad you got to do a great vacation, everyone deserves to have an adventure once in awhile.

Some perspective, I have had many of the smae issues but I try and get up every day and be grateful for what I have, why, because I almost died 4 years ago in a car accident, I fell asleep behind the wheel, woke up sitting in the car with a compund fracture of the left arem with a shattered shoulder, blood spraying the windshield, I figured odds of survival were pretty poor, well miraculously I survived, a paramedic was driving by on his way home from work, ten people stopped to help, they put me back together, and although I battle chronic pain I am walking on the ground instead of lying underneath it.

Every day could be your last, I am so lucky, even though my mom is a alcoholic and I cannot go back to work, even though money is tight, I get to hug my kids and tell them I love them, I get to walk in the sun, I get to watch the hummingbirds at the feeders on my back porch.

Things like this help me ignore the things in my life that drag me down, please take this advice, get up in the morning and find five positive things about your life, state them aloud, then go out and kick some ass!

LifeRecovery

For me these types of "feelings" kept me in denial, of reality.

They kept me so busy in my head that I did not get a chance to really sink down into how bad things were and how bad things felt. I would get so worked up in the "what ifs" that I could not focus on anything else.

In other words they were a distraction that kept me stuck.

I fewer racing thoughts like this now. That is one of my joys of recovery.

luvmyfurbabies

You know, you guys are right in so many ways. #1 it is the fear of the unknown.....I have never had to depend on myself for total survival. I've always had someone to help me. My mom helped me alot in my younger years. Then my AH, who has a good job and never misses work. I am scared. BUT I do have a lot to be grateful for......and like you said if I don't do it I know I'm going to regret it. And Willy, I too am glad for your survival. SR is a great place with great people. Thanks!