trying to move on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
trying to move on
I came here, basically, just to get something off of my chest because right now I feel like I have no one to talk to without being judged.
My history with drugs
When I was 15 I went to a lot of parties and ended up hanging with a crowd that was WAY older then me. Needless to say, one thing led to another and I started smoking crack. By the time I was 16 I was mainly getting high with one person a guy 4 years older then me. Wasnt really interested in the parties anymore or anything for that matter. I just wanted to get high. Well together we decided we wanted to stop. So we did. I had to stop talking to everyone else, including all of my close friends and a few family members. By the time senior year rolled around I was looking and feeling amazing. I won prom queen and was captain of my soccer team. Me and that guy stayed together for almost 8 years after that.
I wish thats why I was here. Just to share my story, but its not. After 8 years in my relationship the thing that drove us apart had absolutely nothing to do with drugs, just lack of attention. Thats when I met HIM.
My job uses a temp agency quite a bit, a few days out of every month. The temp agency gets alot of guys from the halfway house thats down the street. They come into my work, fresh out of prison, and drool all over me. lol Im used to it by now and since my path in life hasnt been perfect, I never judge. One day we got another temp, a heroin addict. That was one of the first things he told me. He just came from jail and he had been clean for 8 months. He had been shooting dope for 2 years and smoked crack for 5 years before that. One of my best friends is a heroin addict so I knew better!!!
It wasnt long before I had to leave my boyfriend, who at the time was actually my fiancee, just because I felt guilty for feeling some type of way about a temp at work. I fell in love faster then I ever felt possible. He said he was in love with me too. We talked about having kids and getting married. Something he said he'd never talked about with a girl before, 1 because he'd never been clean in a relationship and 2 because he'd never been with a girl who also wasnt using.
Sounds great right? Then came the relapse. I knew it would happen I just didnt know when and I also didnt know what was about to happen next. When he relapsed, he immediately called me. He cried and told me he felt guilty. He felt disappointed in himself and that he had let me down. I thought the guilt was a good thing, something to reflect on the next time you have the urge to get high. I guess I was wrong.
Lets cut to the chase here
Not only did he start using again, but he convinced the girl around the corner from his parents house, who he went to highschool with, who was already addicted to suboxone to let him stick needles in her arm too. Theyve been together, doping, for about a year and a half. I CANNOT get over him. To make matters worse my work hired him full time. So Ive gotten to see this horrible FAST paced downwards spiral from the very front row. His weight has gone way up and way down, all the while his face looks gaunt. He was balding when I met him but the last year,I think getting high has accelerated that. He picks at his face when hes high so his face always has scabs. His skin tone and everything just looks terrible. He looks horrible, completely unattractive all together. Not to mention he takes advantage of me and everyone else around him every oppurtunity he finds. I left my fiancee, didnt get married, didnt buy a house and numerous other things for him and he cant even look me in the eyes and say hes sorry for wasting my time, but he has let me know that he thinks I should be "over" all of that by now.
I dont know. I just dont know anymore. I am still in love with him, but not him, the clean him. Ive had horrible anxiety the past year because I feel like Im always waiting for something. Recently it dawned on me that Im waiting for the clean him to come back, which I know is probably not going to happen anytime soon. Sometime I wish I never met him while he was clean because I would have never gotten this close to him. When hes clean, hes perfect, the man Id love to try to spend the rest of my life with, but now thats hes using again he treats me like Im the one not good enough for him.
He says to me "Bunny,(thats my nick name because everyone says I look like a playmate)look at you! You could have any man you wanted." lol Now that Ive met him.....I know that that is simply not true.
My history with drugs
When I was 15 I went to a lot of parties and ended up hanging with a crowd that was WAY older then me. Needless to say, one thing led to another and I started smoking crack. By the time I was 16 I was mainly getting high with one person a guy 4 years older then me. Wasnt really interested in the parties anymore or anything for that matter. I just wanted to get high. Well together we decided we wanted to stop. So we did. I had to stop talking to everyone else, including all of my close friends and a few family members. By the time senior year rolled around I was looking and feeling amazing. I won prom queen and was captain of my soccer team. Me and that guy stayed together for almost 8 years after that.
I wish thats why I was here. Just to share my story, but its not. After 8 years in my relationship the thing that drove us apart had absolutely nothing to do with drugs, just lack of attention. Thats when I met HIM.
My job uses a temp agency quite a bit, a few days out of every month. The temp agency gets alot of guys from the halfway house thats down the street. They come into my work, fresh out of prison, and drool all over me. lol Im used to it by now and since my path in life hasnt been perfect, I never judge. One day we got another temp, a heroin addict. That was one of the first things he told me. He just came from jail and he had been clean for 8 months. He had been shooting dope for 2 years and smoked crack for 5 years before that. One of my best friends is a heroin addict so I knew better!!!
It wasnt long before I had to leave my boyfriend, who at the time was actually my fiancee, just because I felt guilty for feeling some type of way about a temp at work. I fell in love faster then I ever felt possible. He said he was in love with me too. We talked about having kids and getting married. Something he said he'd never talked about with a girl before, 1 because he'd never been clean in a relationship and 2 because he'd never been with a girl who also wasnt using.
Sounds great right? Then came the relapse. I knew it would happen I just didnt know when and I also didnt know what was about to happen next. When he relapsed, he immediately called me. He cried and told me he felt guilty. He felt disappointed in himself and that he had let me down. I thought the guilt was a good thing, something to reflect on the next time you have the urge to get high. I guess I was wrong.
Lets cut to the chase here
Not only did he start using again, but he convinced the girl around the corner from his parents house, who he went to highschool with, who was already addicted to suboxone to let him stick needles in her arm too. Theyve been together, doping, for about a year and a half. I CANNOT get over him. To make matters worse my work hired him full time. So Ive gotten to see this horrible FAST paced downwards spiral from the very front row. His weight has gone way up and way down, all the while his face looks gaunt. He was balding when I met him but the last year,I think getting high has accelerated that. He picks at his face when hes high so his face always has scabs. His skin tone and everything just looks terrible. He looks horrible, completely unattractive all together. Not to mention he takes advantage of me and everyone else around him every oppurtunity he finds. I left my fiancee, didnt get married, didnt buy a house and numerous other things for him and he cant even look me in the eyes and say hes sorry for wasting my time, but he has let me know that he thinks I should be "over" all of that by now.
I dont know. I just dont know anymore. I am still in love with him, but not him, the clean him. Ive had horrible anxiety the past year because I feel like Im always waiting for something. Recently it dawned on me that Im waiting for the clean him to come back, which I know is probably not going to happen anytime soon. Sometime I wish I never met him while he was clean because I would have never gotten this close to him. When hes clean, hes perfect, the man Id love to try to spend the rest of my life with, but now thats hes using again he treats me like Im the one not good enough for him.
He says to me "Bunny,(thats my nick name because everyone says I look like a playmate)look at you! You could have any man you wanted." lol Now that Ive met him.....I know that that is simply not true.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
When hes clean, hes perfect, the man Id love to try to spend the rest of my life with, but now thats hes using again he treats me like Im the one not good enough for him.
That is a very common statement made around here. The man you fell in love with doesn't exist right now and may never exist again. Continuing to see him and talk to him just keeps the wound fresh. Not knowing anything about your job or how it is set up, just wondering if there is any way you could transfer to another section where you wouldn't see him at all, or very rarely? If not, you'll have to take it upon yourself to see him as little as possible.
In any case, you need to realize that he has moved on, apparently likes his life the way it is now, has a new girlfriend and has more or less told you that he's no longer interested. There are millions of men out there who aren't drug addicts. Go find one.
That is a very common statement made around here. The man you fell in love with doesn't exist right now and may never exist again. Continuing to see him and talk to him just keeps the wound fresh. Not knowing anything about your job or how it is set up, just wondering if there is any way you could transfer to another section where you wouldn't see him at all, or very rarely? If not, you'll have to take it upon yourself to see him as little as possible.
In any case, you need to realize that he has moved on, apparently likes his life the way it is now, has a new girlfriend and has more or less told you that he's no longer interested. There are millions of men out there who aren't drug addicts. Go find one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
The things you describe...face picking and weight loss etc. sound like Meth.
Many crack addicts progress to Meth because it lasts longer.
Meth is a totally different monster mo-fo of a drug and you need to get as far away from this guy as you possibly can. No matter what he is on.
Why is your work employing someone that is actively using? If they hire fresh out of halfway house....don't they know the signs of drug use? If they don't, why don't they?
It sounds to me like prison made him abstain........not recover. Being "clean" and being in recovery are two different things.
Maybe it's time for you to get a totally new job.
Sad to say....but you will likely get over him when you find someone new. Hard to do in the job you are in now. And who knows what happens next if you do. Old using guy gets jealous and acts out. Or....you didn't do the work you need to do on yourself...so you pick another addict. Which would be pretty easy to do in your work environment.
In times like these.....I take a LONG look at myself and what I want out of this ONE life I get to live.
My therapist told me once.....
Be VERY careful when you are around someone who makes you feel even just a little TOO good about yourself.
Addicts can be great narcissists and sociopaths.
Many crack addicts progress to Meth because it lasts longer.
Meth is a totally different monster mo-fo of a drug and you need to get as far away from this guy as you possibly can. No matter what he is on.
Why is your work employing someone that is actively using? If they hire fresh out of halfway house....don't they know the signs of drug use? If they don't, why don't they?
It sounds to me like prison made him abstain........not recover. Being "clean" and being in recovery are two different things.
Maybe it's time for you to get a totally new job.
Sad to say....but you will likely get over him when you find someone new. Hard to do in the job you are in now. And who knows what happens next if you do. Old using guy gets jealous and acts out. Or....you didn't do the work you need to do on yourself...so you pick another addict. Which would be pretty easy to do in your work environment.
In times like these.....I take a LONG look at myself and what I want out of this ONE life I get to live.
My therapist told me once.....
Be VERY careful when you are around someone who makes you feel even just a little TOO good about yourself.
Addicts can be great narcissists and sociopaths.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Why is your work employing someone that is actively using? If they hire fresh out of halfway house....don't they know the signs of drug use? If they don't, why don't they?
I wonder about this, too. Also, how is he able to stay at a halfway house if he is actively using?
I wonder about this, too. Also, how is he able to stay at a halfway house if he is actively using?
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