I'm new here..desperately need perspective please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
I'm new here..desperately need perspective please
Hello...I read about this forum on another board.
My husband of 31 years is an alcoholic. He knows he has a problem and has tried different thigns to control it through the years. He never drinks beofre 5pm.
20 years ago, he would have a "drunk episode" maybe 4 times a year. Since then, it has increased and recently, he is at a new level. He deicded about 2 years ago to begin drinking liquor. Often times, he starts with wine at home, and then begins beer at the restaurant and finishes the night with liquor.
Again, he still knows he has a problem. I think he feels helpless about what to do about it.
We have had extraordinary stress on us this year. He is a builder/developer and of course, has little to no work. Thankfully, but also a curse, we built a restaurant about 9 years ago and I work at that so we still have an income. The curse comes in because the restaurant has a full service "Cheers-like" bar. My husband is a celebrity there and he enjoys meeting & talking to people. Most nights, he stays until closing with his good 'ole boy friends, most with drinking problems themselves.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you everything his alcoholism has put our marriage through....major verbal abuse, occasional physical abuse, decrease sex life, spending less time together in the mornings and nights. Several years ago, I began to avoid him when he came home late in order to avoid trouble. I occasionally, and more often recently, take Advil PM to help me get to sleep.
As I said, the drinking has recently gotten heavier. It has hurt us even more. It's like when alcohol goes in, any thought of me goes out. He will go to bed without even knowing I am in bed with him. I wake up early to go to work, he sleeps his drinking off. The pattern is after about 5 days of this...I fall apart. I am so lonely..missing him in all ways. Sometimes he immeidately says he is sorry and he knows he is neglecting me and things change for a bit. Sometimes he would say he isn;t doing anything wrong and I have a problem. Until recently, I have always been able to appeal to his love for me. I have been able to touch that place in him that cares for me and he would jolt back to himself...for a bit.
I have started noticing that even when he is sober, his brain is not as shap as it used to be. Could be a coincidence. Anyway, I have never given an ultimatem...just asked, begged, pleaded with him to please find a balance. After a partuarly bad time last week, he finally said he needs to quit socializing at our restaurant becuase he won't drink as much of he doesn't go. He is so angry at me....not showing any type of kindness, affection or even friendship for me. I think he justifies withdrawing his love for me, something that I need, because he has to give up soemthing he loves. He will scream, "I AM AT HOME, AREN'T I? THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED!".
My biggest problem, I guess, is I have abandonment issues. I don't do well when we aren't doing well. He has threatened to leave me, and has left occasionally during a drunken time...always to apologize later. I end up having panic attacks during those times. I wish I was stronger.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
I am at such a loss....
My husband of 31 years is an alcoholic. He knows he has a problem and has tried different thigns to control it through the years. He never drinks beofre 5pm.
20 years ago, he would have a "drunk episode" maybe 4 times a year. Since then, it has increased and recently, he is at a new level. He deicded about 2 years ago to begin drinking liquor. Often times, he starts with wine at home, and then begins beer at the restaurant and finishes the night with liquor.
Again, he still knows he has a problem. I think he feels helpless about what to do about it.
We have had extraordinary stress on us this year. He is a builder/developer and of course, has little to no work. Thankfully, but also a curse, we built a restaurant about 9 years ago and I work at that so we still have an income. The curse comes in because the restaurant has a full service "Cheers-like" bar. My husband is a celebrity there and he enjoys meeting & talking to people. Most nights, he stays until closing with his good 'ole boy friends, most with drinking problems themselves.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you everything his alcoholism has put our marriage through....major verbal abuse, occasional physical abuse, decrease sex life, spending less time together in the mornings and nights. Several years ago, I began to avoid him when he came home late in order to avoid trouble. I occasionally, and more often recently, take Advil PM to help me get to sleep.
As I said, the drinking has recently gotten heavier. It has hurt us even more. It's like when alcohol goes in, any thought of me goes out. He will go to bed without even knowing I am in bed with him. I wake up early to go to work, he sleeps his drinking off. The pattern is after about 5 days of this...I fall apart. I am so lonely..missing him in all ways. Sometimes he immeidately says he is sorry and he knows he is neglecting me and things change for a bit. Sometimes he would say he isn;t doing anything wrong and I have a problem. Until recently, I have always been able to appeal to his love for me. I have been able to touch that place in him that cares for me and he would jolt back to himself...for a bit.
I have started noticing that even when he is sober, his brain is not as shap as it used to be. Could be a coincidence. Anyway, I have never given an ultimatem...just asked, begged, pleaded with him to please find a balance. After a partuarly bad time last week, he finally said he needs to quit socializing at our restaurant becuase he won't drink as much of he doesn't go. He is so angry at me....not showing any type of kindness, affection or even friendship for me. I think he justifies withdrawing his love for me, something that I need, because he has to give up soemthing he loves. He will scream, "I AM AT HOME, AREN'T I? THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED!".
My biggest problem, I guess, is I have abandonment issues. I don't do well when we aren't doing well. He has threatened to leave me, and has left occasionally during a drunken time...always to apologize later. I end up having panic attacks during those times. I wish I was stronger.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
I am at such a loss....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Welcome. Sorry to hear why you are here, but glad you found your way to SR.
I am also married 30 years to my AH who is still drinking. He, too, doesn't drink before 5 p.m. He used to, but doesn't at the moment.
I found Alanon when I was feeling lost. I thought it would it would help me get him to stop drinking. It turns out that Alanon is for the friends and relatives of alcoholics. I've met some great friends there and learned some great tools for coping by taking my focus off him and put it where it belongs, on me. There is something very nurturing being in a roomful of people who understand exactly what you are experiencing.
There will be lots of others to share soon.
In the mean time, get comfortable and read lots of threads and the "stickies" at the top of the page. You'll find lots of experience, strength and hope here.
And don't forget to look after yourself, proper rest, eat right, exercise, etc. It helps!
I am also married 30 years to my AH who is still drinking. He, too, doesn't drink before 5 p.m. He used to, but doesn't at the moment.
I found Alanon when I was feeling lost. I thought it would it would help me get him to stop drinking. It turns out that Alanon is for the friends and relatives of alcoholics. I've met some great friends there and learned some great tools for coping by taking my focus off him and put it where it belongs, on me. There is something very nurturing being in a roomful of people who understand exactly what you are experiencing.
There will be lots of others to share soon.
In the mean time, get comfortable and read lots of threads and the "stickies" at the top of the page. You'll find lots of experience, strength and hope here.
And don't forget to look after yourself, proper rest, eat right, exercise, etc. It helps!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH, USA
Posts: 24
Welcome. I am pretty new here and so don't have a lot of wisdom or advice, but please, please find a local Al-Anon group and go. Even if you don't like it the first couple of times, go back or try a different group.
One thing that I do know is that you can't make him stop drinking. No amount of yelling or crying or ultimatums will accomplish that. You need to find some sanity and serenity for yourself. It sounds hokey, I know, but I am just starting to go to Al-Anon regularly and it is really helping me.
Keep coming back here and read some of the stories.
Take care,
Kitty
One thing that I do know is that you can't make him stop drinking. No amount of yelling or crying or ultimatums will accomplish that. You need to find some sanity and serenity for yourself. It sounds hokey, I know, but I am just starting to go to Al-Anon regularly and it is really helping me.
Keep coming back here and read some of the stories.
Take care,
Kitty
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Unfortunately it might take a crisis to get your husband into rehab or a regular AA attendee. In the meantime as others have suggested find your local Alanon meetings and start attending. It will allow you to be with others going through the same thing and will give you the strength you need to figure out whay YOU need to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
My mom has been an alcoholic for 40 years, nothing my dad or me or the doctors or anyone else has said or done has ahd any effect on my mothers drinking. You either have to accept things the way they are or decide to change what you can change.
Counseling, ala-anon, coming here to share/vent/etc., divorce, you have to find what works for you, but rest assured your friends on this site will be here for you.
Peace be with you,
Counseling, ala-anon, coming here to share/vent/etc., divorce, you have to find what works for you, but rest assured your friends on this site will be here for you.
Peace be with you,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Hello NCLindaB, I could relate to your story straight away for a few reasons. The first being that you feel lonely, this for me has been quite acute-the fact that you are with someone but they are not really there as they should be. In some ways I think this is almost worse than if we were physically seperated. It took me a while to realise I was feeling this way but Al-Anon has really helped me clarify my thoughts. It hurts that your husband is making a choice, and that is to spend time with the bottle and not with you, and you are making the choice to continue working and keep things together.
Not fair is it? but unfortunately our logic and morality has no bearing on what an alcoholic chooses to do, their behaviour is irrational -but they can be very smart and resourceful when it comes to satisfying their cravings.
You have made a good decision to come here, and as everyone says the next step is to really start looking after yourself-all the wisdom of Al-Anon points in that direction, and it is very supportive.
Good Luck.
Not fair is it? but unfortunately our logic and morality has no bearing on what an alcoholic chooses to do, their behaviour is irrational -but they can be very smart and resourceful when it comes to satisfying their cravings.
You have made a good decision to come here, and as everyone says the next step is to really start looking after yourself-all the wisdom of Al-Anon points in that direction, and it is very supportive.
Good Luck.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dear NC Linda
I suggest talking to the Domestic violence hotline, as you mention there has been abuse. They will be able to listen and offer you all kinds of help to change your situation. You are definitely not powerless, and you are not alone.
Do not blame your issues for his behavior, he is doing what he does because that is who he is period. You cannot control nor cure him. And you say you wish you were stronger, but enduring abuse from a partner is NOT being strong.
Experiments with rats show, when they give them sometimes cheese, sometimes mild electroshock, rats go crazy. In my case (had an AXBF) there was no way I could have some peace and sanity never knowing if he was going to be Mr Charming or a horrible person throwing poisonous darts at my heart. We call it the Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.
We get how it feels (HUGS) in my case, I left and went No contact, my life has been much better nowadays. A partner is supposed to support you as life is stressful enough.
I suggest talking to the Domestic violence hotline, as you mention there has been abuse. They will be able to listen and offer you all kinds of help to change your situation. You are definitely not powerless, and you are not alone.
Do not blame your issues for his behavior, he is doing what he does because that is who he is period. You cannot control nor cure him. And you say you wish you were stronger, but enduring abuse from a partner is NOT being strong.
Experiments with rats show, when they give them sometimes cheese, sometimes mild electroshock, rats go crazy. In my case (had an AXBF) there was no way I could have some peace and sanity never knowing if he was going to be Mr Charming or a horrible person throwing poisonous darts at my heart. We call it the Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.
We get how it feels (HUGS) in my case, I left and went No contact, my life has been much better nowadays. A partner is supposed to support you as life is stressful enough.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Have you been to therapy about the abondonment issue? Many codies stay with their alcoholic/abusive spouses because they fear being alone. Working on that problem may be a good starting point.
I too, would trcommend Alanon meetings. The hard truth is that there is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking. He must want recovery more than anything else in life.
This is a progressive disease, it will get worse, he will not be able to white knuckle recovery, he can stop drinking for a period of time, yet he will crawl back in the bottle, and in most cases, the drinking and abusing will get worse.
Read around thiese boards,Cynical One has many helpful posts under the Family & Friends of Addicts, which can apply to either addicts or alcoholics. Read all the stickys at the top of each forum. It will help you better understand the disease and your part in it.
Have you been to therapy about the abondonment issue? Many codies stay with their alcoholic/abusive spouses because they fear being alone. Working on that problem may be a good starting point.
I too, would trcommend Alanon meetings. The hard truth is that there is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking. He must want recovery more than anything else in life.
This is a progressive disease, it will get worse, he will not be able to white knuckle recovery, he can stop drinking for a period of time, yet he will crawl back in the bottle, and in most cases, the drinking and abusing will get worse.
Read around thiese boards,Cynical One has many helpful posts under the Family & Friends of Addicts, which can apply to either addicts or alcoholics. Read all the stickys at the top of each forum. It will help you better understand the disease and your part in it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I just want to say welcome, and that I am glad you are here to help yourself.
I agree with all the above posts and have found between individual counseling, Al-anon and a lot of reading on addiction in general has helped me. Posting and sharing with people who understand also helps.
I agree with all the above posts and have found between individual counseling, Al-anon and a lot of reading on addiction in general has helped me. Posting and sharing with people who understand also helps.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Welcome to SR.
I’m sorry you going through this and are feeling this way. Know that you are not alone. I can relate to your situation in many ways.
Alcoholism is progressive if it is untreated, which will help explain the increased marital problems. Neurological damage can become apparent with continued alcohol or substance abuse causing the brain to not function as it once had. Once the body and mind are introduced to prolonged substance abuse they may become dependent on that substance to sustain normal functionality, and without that substance the person may experience withdrawal symptoms. Confusion or mind fuzziness can be a symptom of alcohol withdrawal, which may be the reasoning behind your husband’s declined sharpness even when sober.
I advise you to research about alcoholism progression and codependency, which is what effects the loved ones of alcoholics. Education and support has been the key to my recovery journey. I am still a work in progress. Also, Al-Anon is a great place to get the one-on-one support system for yourself. Al-Anon’s focus is on you as the victim of someone’s alcoholism. You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure is a good principle to learn to recognize. Redirect your thinking more onto you instead of how his actions are making you feel. Take back the control of your own happiness; you deserve it. You cannot control his decision to feed his addiction, but you can decide to not let his consumption effect you. He has his own battle to fight, but his battle has to be his to fight.
Keep posting here. We are here with you.
I’m sorry you going through this and are feeling this way. Know that you are not alone. I can relate to your situation in many ways.
Alcoholism is progressive if it is untreated, which will help explain the increased marital problems. Neurological damage can become apparent with continued alcohol or substance abuse causing the brain to not function as it once had. Once the body and mind are introduced to prolonged substance abuse they may become dependent on that substance to sustain normal functionality, and without that substance the person may experience withdrawal symptoms. Confusion or mind fuzziness can be a symptom of alcohol withdrawal, which may be the reasoning behind your husband’s declined sharpness even when sober.
I advise you to research about alcoholism progression and codependency, which is what effects the loved ones of alcoholics. Education and support has been the key to my recovery journey. I am still a work in progress. Also, Al-Anon is a great place to get the one-on-one support system for yourself. Al-Anon’s focus is on you as the victim of someone’s alcoholism. You did not cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure is a good principle to learn to recognize. Redirect your thinking more onto you instead of how his actions are making you feel. Take back the control of your own happiness; you deserve it. You cannot control his decision to feed his addiction, but you can decide to not let his consumption effect you. He has his own battle to fight, but his battle has to be his to fight.
Keep posting here. We are here with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Thank you for the replies.
I am a little overhwhelmed. I guess it is beginning to sink in that he is not going to wake up one day and decide not to drink and be better.
I agree that I need to get help for myself. I have no idea what my identify is without him. I married him when I was 17..he was 25. Since then, I have gone to college and now am in the business world running several businesses. Most people would never guess I am so weak. I appear strong and independent.
I will take your advice and try to educate myself. Thank you.
I am a little overhwhelmed. I guess it is beginning to sink in that he is not going to wake up one day and decide not to drink and be better.
I agree that I need to get help for myself. I have no idea what my identify is without him. I married him when I was 17..he was 25. Since then, I have gone to college and now am in the business world running several businesses. Most people would never guess I am so weak. I appear strong and independent.
I will take your advice and try to educate myself. Thank you.
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