frstnm

Hi,
I am a recovering addict and need a crash course in Al-anon concepts. I plan on going to more al anon meetings as well. Im going on a long trip cross country with another person in recovery who has Giant EGO and control issues, a lack of compassion and is not connected with emotions and is unable to a support me with my emotional issues. In fact this person can be down right mean and hurtful even though they are in recovery. I mentioned the hurtful things that he has said to me and other addicts and he justified it by saying that he says things that are hurtful to get his point across and teach me a lesson on purpose - if Im acting as he puts it ridiculous. I told him that there are more compassionate ways of saying things and that if one cannot help for heavens sake dont hurt them. Yeah, Im taking his inventory but only because it directly impacts me, my recovery, can be triggering and its true. I was told by an old timer that if Im going to hang around with other addicts that sometimes it is crucial to take their inventory for my own well being and saftey.

I have no expectations of him being emotionally supportive so its a start to reach out to others with more experience in this area.
I need to build up my defense and coping techniques to help deal w this person so the trip doesnt turn into a nightmare.
Yes, I have talked to other addicts and al anon-ers and my sponsor about this. Just looking for all the help I can get.

Thanks in advance. Suggestions needed and welcomed.

Freedom1990

Recovery includes compassion, humility, and kindness.

He may not be using, but he's far from "in recovery."

I guess my question is why a cross country trip with such an a$$hat?

akrasia

Questions of recovery/al-anon aren't the point here. Sometimes a jerk is just a jerk.

Why do you have to travel with him? Because of course it will be a nightmare. Surely you can get out of it. I can't imagine a scenario in which a cross-country trip is something mandatory, unless it's something for work, which, you don't to even speak outside of work issues.

If you do find yourself trapped with him, just don't engage. THink of him as you would a little kid having a tantrum. Do you reason with a 3-year-old? No, you say, "Mm-hm," or "That's not acceptable for you to speak to me like that."

LifeRecovery

I think there is taking other's inventory, and there is a boundary for you.

I get those really confused, and I am not sure if I am reading into your post some of the same confusion.

I am feeling pretty grounded in me right now, and do pretty well with me, myself and I.

It gets messier when I try to take it into relationship (with anyone). There is just more to juggle.

I am looking forward to other's responses, and thanks for asking the question.

laurie6781

I agree with Freedom, that is NOT recovery.

Why subject yourself to that cross country? Please make other arrangements, even if your trip has to be delayed.

For a long time now, I do not ALLOW TOXIC people in my life. This person sounds very TOXIC.

Please reconsider, get to some Alanon meetings to help you learn how to set your own PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

frstnm

Thanks alot ! Just what I need. Keep it coming !!

Its basically being paid to drive across country to accomplish some lifetime dream stuff and for me (the fishing) and a spiritual journey. We will be going to several of the Native American reservations for sight seeing, fishing- trout, salmon and Halibut if he can get me on a boat on the island we are starting from Orcas Island just off of Seattle.

I may just send him this "Recovery includes compassion, humility, and kindness." VERY true.
Sometimes it takes a little work but Im a pretty decent guy even when I was out there but obviously have lots of "growth potential" LOL
My sponsor says that with pain comes growth. Life has had its ups and downs and I havent picked up yet in 4 years so why start again now ?

He kinda runs his own program, rarely speaks to his sponsor in this area and supposedly works the steps with what he calls a West Coast sponsor who lives in seattle and gets used by my "friend" for a place to stay so he doesnt have to pay for a hotel.

frstnm

I will surely be getting to more alanon meetings as well as AA and NA along the road.
I would have to pay for the plane ticket if I back out now. Cant afford that as I was in an auto accident a couple weeks ago and am stretching the financial creativity as is.
I am surely getting better at setting boundaries and saying no. Its a simple one word answer.
Also picked up the three C's along my recovery journey. I didnt cause it, cant control it and cant cure it.

As my sponsor says - Its all about the acceptance and I can either do that with him sometimes all we can do is plant the seed of what recovery is all about or I can detach with or without love. Preferably with compassion, kindness and love. If all else fails I will grab my gear and catch a bus back east. Hopefully we can make things work. I went away with him last year at about the same time and it was pretty decent. There is still hope.

akrasia

Why does he have to go with you?

Can you postpone the trip?

Spending days alone in close quarters with a jackass is not a "spiritual journey." Life's too short for that.

Terminally Unique

Why do you want emotional support from some emotionally unstable douchebag? Not the best type of person to get it from. Such people will only drag you down to their level, like crabs in a barrel.

Since you've decided you are going, though, my advice... when he talks, in one ear and out the other...

sugarbear1

In my opinion, you're going cross country with a person who has untreated alcoholism. Good luck!

Dee74

I'd pick a travelling companion who's more sympatico with you - someone who respects you and your point of view Scott.

Why ruin the trip of a lifetime?

D

choublak

I'm confused.

frstnm

yeah, he definitely has his character um "traits" Im gonna work on him along the way. Its his father's car and household stuff we are bringing back east so I cant change travel companions. I do wish he fished but he does like being on the water and hiking and wants to get into nature a little on the way back. We went to Maine last year around the same time and it worked out ok. Ive had worse travel companions. Trust me !
You folks are a tough crowd (lol) but I really appreciate all the input and feedback. Keep it coming.
If I have to bail out mid trip I can always do that. Im going to live my agenda and hope that he and I can do some things together, but if he doesnt want to I will hook up w locals, people from meetings on the road or head out alone. Done it before and there is no reason I cant do it again.
Some people make me practice my program a little more than others ! lol

frstnm

More or less it turned out to be a pretty good trip. I only had to "speak" to him a couple times. Not long enough going fishing and greatly underprepared for the fishing conditions and waters. There WILL be a next time. And yes, I will probably take a different person but he was taking me this time.....
Thank you all !

NYCDoglvr

Why are you putting yourself in a potentially miserable situation? That's the real question. This certainly isn't taking care of yourself.