how to know he is recovering with no contact
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Why not set some requirements, like, I'd consider going forward with you if:
You work a strong recovery program and are sober for 1 year.
You hold a job for a year.
You manage your money responsibily. Pay you own rent and so on.
Believe me, if he were sober he would already be working and not totally dependent on you.
He has alot of work to do before this relationship will ever be good, and, you need to get healthy yourself, enabling him is the worst thing you can do for him. Allow him the dignity to resolve his issues on his own, just as an adult should.
I am sorry that you are in pain, however, this too will pass...the sooner you get healthy, the sooner the pain will go away.
You work a strong recovery program and are sober for 1 year.
You hold a job for a year.
You manage your money responsibily. Pay you own rent and so on.
Believe me, if he were sober he would already be working and not totally dependent on you.
He has alot of work to do before this relationship will ever be good, and, you need to get healthy yourself, enabling him is the worst thing you can do for him. Allow him the dignity to resolve his issues on his own, just as an adult should.
I am sorry that you are in pain, however, this too will pass...the sooner you get healthy, the sooner the pain will go away.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I think it was a couple of days ago that I was feeling just the way you are, and I was posting asking for hugs. I didn't even know why. Just remember that this feeling will pass. 
I agree with what Anvilhead was speaking of. From the way you described in your post, it doesn't seem like you are coming from a place of strength. My advice would be to continue to ground yourself before making a move to evaluate his recovery. Keep in mind that you both are extremely new to you all’s recovery, and there is no need to rush. I know you are curious as to his progress so that you can move on, but make sure before you break the no contact that you are strong enough to handle whatever you see.
Hang in there.
I agree with what Anvilhead was speaking of. From the way you described in your post, it doesn't seem like you are coming from a place of strength. My advice would be to continue to ground yourself before making a move to evaluate his recovery. Keep in mind that you both are extremely new to you all’s recovery, and there is no need to rush. I know you are curious as to his progress so that you can move on, but make sure before you break the no contact that you are strong enough to handle whatever you see.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
It is amazing that when I put something out to the universe, what I get back. Thanks to all those who have posted, it was not my question but I learned a lot.
Gbz I had lots of emotional rollercoasters over the last year, and continue to have them.
For some reason the grief cycle stuff by Kubler-Ross helped me to come to terms pretty well with whatever I was feeling (actually it allowed it to normalize my sadness, anger etc). I feel like I am working through it again right now (minus the denial this time) and with it I am sinking deeper and healing more. Again though knowing that was "normal" has helped.
I really get into trouble when I start "judging" how I am feeling...and I only do that with "negative" emotions like angry, sadness etc. That just makes me wound up about two things instead of my original thing and it always makes it worse.
Something that has helped me with the no contact is No Contact = No new hurts. I have found this to be true as I heal.
Gbz I had lots of emotional rollercoasters over the last year, and continue to have them.
For some reason the grief cycle stuff by Kubler-Ross helped me to come to terms pretty well with whatever I was feeling (actually it allowed it to normalize my sadness, anger etc). I feel like I am working through it again right now (minus the denial this time) and with it I am sinking deeper and healing more. Again though knowing that was "normal" has helped.
I really get into trouble when I start "judging" how I am feeling...and I only do that with "negative" emotions like angry, sadness etc. That just makes me wound up about two things instead of my original thing and it always makes it worse.
Something that has helped me with the no contact is No Contact = No new hurts. I have found this to be true as I heal.
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