I know, same old song and dance.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I know, same old song and dance.
Do i get it now? Have I had enough? I really hope so.
I havent been on here since i was in NY. I didnt tell any of you I was coming back to FL. I came back down Aug 5th. My excuse this time....I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way to do anything. But I was safe and with my family and clean.
My big addict idea was to come back here and make all this money and get a car and go home. LOL. I already knew it was BS. How do we as addicts convince ourselves that this **** is real? When we know dam well whats really going to happen?
Well I have been here almost 2 mos now. Getting high from day 1. Been literally homeless wondering the streets for days at a time for about 3 or 4 weeks until last week. Blown through so much money. Almost got my gram evicted because she payed for my ticket to get here and also sent me a few wires because I needed it. My ass. i smoked every bit of it.
She was hospitalized a couple weeks ago from stress and she thought ahe was having a heart attack. Thats never happened before. And its because of my sorry ass.
Its pretty bad when people you do business with tell you that your walking the street too much. The entire bottoms of both my feet are caloused. My skin and appearance is hideous.
I also just got out of the hospital yesterday because I was stabbed multiple times Sunday morning. A man wanted me to go to his house with him and I kept refusing. So he got mad and tried to snatch my purse and when I hit him in the face he started punching me all over my side and head. So i thought. He was actually stabbing me with every blow. I have 8 stab wounds all along my sides and stomach. One in my leg, two on my arm and a huge laceration along the side of my head thats about 10 inches long. Half my head is shaved and I have over 100 staples ion my body. I have 2 drainage tubes sticking out of me to collect the fluids from the wounds. I had to be gutted again to cut out a piece of my intestine becauyse they couldnt repair it. I had so much blood loss I had to have 2 blood transfusions. I was bleeding internally so bad I was literally bleeding from my butt. I thought I was soiling myself but it was all blood. If the knife had been a tiny bit longer he would have punctured my lung 2 times. I had 3 IVs going and 2 tubes shoved down my nnose and throat. I was bleeding on my brain a little. Of all the things that has happened to me ion the past. This by far really made me thiink it was the end. I couldnt stay conscious and the blood loss was rediculous. I didnt call my family until today and only my aunt because I am going home next monday. I dont want my gram to know until I get home.
This has been the worst I have ever been in all my years of using.
Am I ready to stop now. Am i ready to do whatever it takes? I think I am.
once io get home. I am def looking into some type of long term treatment.
I really thought I was going to die. And not one person helped me. How pitiful is that? All these people that are always in my face when they want or need something. They all my best friends when they want a cigarette oe food oe a hit. But they all just stood there like nothing and watched me get attacked and then bleed out. I had to beg foir someone to call 911.
Yes, i guess I am prime example of someone who doesnt get it and wont until I die. Well I can say that almost dieing will do.
I am done.
I havent been on here since i was in NY. I didnt tell any of you I was coming back to FL. I came back down Aug 5th. My excuse this time....I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way to do anything. But I was safe and with my family and clean.
My big addict idea was to come back here and make all this money and get a car and go home. LOL. I already knew it was BS. How do we as addicts convince ourselves that this **** is real? When we know dam well whats really going to happen?
Well I have been here almost 2 mos now. Getting high from day 1. Been literally homeless wondering the streets for days at a time for about 3 or 4 weeks until last week. Blown through so much money. Almost got my gram evicted because she payed for my ticket to get here and also sent me a few wires because I needed it. My ass. i smoked every bit of it.
She was hospitalized a couple weeks ago from stress and she thought ahe was having a heart attack. Thats never happened before. And its because of my sorry ass.
Its pretty bad when people you do business with tell you that your walking the street too much. The entire bottoms of both my feet are caloused. My skin and appearance is hideous.
I also just got out of the hospital yesterday because I was stabbed multiple times Sunday morning. A man wanted me to go to his house with him and I kept refusing. So he got mad and tried to snatch my purse and when I hit him in the face he started punching me all over my side and head. So i thought. He was actually stabbing me with every blow. I have 8 stab wounds all along my sides and stomach. One in my leg, two on my arm and a huge laceration along the side of my head thats about 10 inches long. Half my head is shaved and I have over 100 staples ion my body. I have 2 drainage tubes sticking out of me to collect the fluids from the wounds. I had to be gutted again to cut out a piece of my intestine becauyse they couldnt repair it. I had so much blood loss I had to have 2 blood transfusions. I was bleeding internally so bad I was literally bleeding from my butt. I thought I was soiling myself but it was all blood. If the knife had been a tiny bit longer he would have punctured my lung 2 times. I had 3 IVs going and 2 tubes shoved down my nnose and throat. I was bleeding on my brain a little. Of all the things that has happened to me ion the past. This by far really made me thiink it was the end. I couldnt stay conscious and the blood loss was rediculous. I didnt call my family until today and only my aunt because I am going home next monday. I dont want my gram to know until I get home.
This has been the worst I have ever been in all my years of using.
Am I ready to stop now. Am i ready to do whatever it takes? I think I am.
once io get home. I am def looking into some type of long term treatment.
I really thought I was going to die. And not one person helped me. How pitiful is that? All these people that are always in my face when they want or need something. They all my best friends when they want a cigarette oe food oe a hit. But they all just stood there like nothing and watched me get attacked and then bleed out. I had to beg foir someone to call 911.
Yes, i guess I am prime example of someone who doesnt get it and wont until I die. Well I can say that almost dieing will do.
I am done.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I really hope so Trish.
I did a lot of talking for a lot of years but it took nearly dying for me to stop with my BS...even to myself.
I really hope you're done cos I'm not sure you got another run in you, girl.
is it like this Monday you're going home?
Please find somewhere safe to stay still then - let us know when you're back home
D
I did a lot of talking for a lot of years but it took nearly dying for me to stop with my BS...even to myself.
I really hope you're done cos I'm not sure you got another run in you, girl.
is it like this Monday you're going home?
Please find somewhere safe to stay still then - let us know when you're back home
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
I truly hope this was your bottom Aysha and wish you all the best.
My heart really goes out to you.
It took me a while - 7 years, but I finally got it.. Eventually, even I had enough.
We are sick people, and need to heal on many levels -- physically, mentally and spiritually.....
My heart really goes out to you.
It took me a while - 7 years, but I finally got it.. Eventually, even I had enough.
We are sick people, and need to heal on many levels -- physically, mentally and spiritually.....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
I'm so glad to hear from you, Trish. I've thought of you often, wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear about what's been going on with you, but you did survive. Maybe this was what it takes to turn on that light bulb, yanno?
You have a lot of people here who care about you, hon. Please take care of yourself and let us help support you, okay?
You have a lot of people here who care about you, hon. Please take care of yourself and let us help support you, okay?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Trish))) - I'm glad you survived to come back. I'm not being mean, you know I love you, but are you finally ready to do something different? It doesn't matter whether you're in FL, NY or somewhere else...you take you with you.
I pray that you've hit bottom because, like ((Dee)), I don't think you've got another run in you.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I pray that you've hit bottom because, like ((Dee)), I don't think you've got another run in you.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Here & Now, WI
Posts: 21
Wow. I just got to this site and this is a pretty intense post. Thanks for coming here and sharing your recent experience/bottom/hopefully-blessing-in-disguise-wake-up-call.
My first day of recovery started in the back of an ambulance following an assault too. In retrospect it was the best day of my life, even if I do walk with a bit of a limp now. When I got to the hospital that day, I was officially out of "yets" and was now 2 out of 3 in the "jails, institutions, or death" department. I guess that's what it takes for alot of us.
I'm glad I came to this site and found this post right away. I'll remember this.
My first day of recovery started in the back of an ambulance following an assault too. In retrospect it was the best day of my life, even if I do walk with a bit of a limp now. When I got to the hospital that day, I was officially out of "yets" and was now 2 out of 3 in the "jails, institutions, or death" department. I guess that's what it takes for alot of us.
I'm glad I came to this site and found this post right away. I'll remember this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
That is a horrific story. I pray you will stop putting yourself through this. I fear for your life, like the others do.
I'm glad you did come back to tell about it - was wondering what was going on in your life. Please stop now - please Trish.
I'm glad you did come back to tell about it - was wondering what was going on in your life. Please stop now - please Trish.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Come on Trish, I thought I was the hard case here, lol.
Your story brings tears to my eyes, because I know just how hard it is, but you just can't keep this **** up.
If they don't call for help for you, then they are no help to you, so why hang with them?
You know you can do this, maybe it's time to just stop the insanity and do it?
I hope you choose life, instead of the slow death you're chasing now.
Your story brings tears to my eyes, because I know just how hard it is, but you just can't keep this **** up.
If they don't call for help for you, then they are no help to you, so why hang with them?
You know you can do this, maybe it's time to just stop the insanity and do it?
I hope you choose life, instead of the slow death you're chasing now.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well (((((Trish))))) I really hope you are done.
You have been given a REAL SECOND CHANCE, just like I was. Now DON'T BLOW IT.
I know for me those first few months afterward I was terrified that that was It I had NO MORE Chances left and I wasn't about to test it. Come to think of it, 30 years later I still don't know if there are any more chances left, and am not about to find out.
So are you done? Will you stick with recovery this time? For your sake, I really pray for you.
Welcome Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
You have been given a REAL SECOND CHANCE, just like I was. Now DON'T BLOW IT.
I know for me those first few months afterward I was terrified that that was It I had NO MORE Chances left and I wasn't about to test it. Come to think of it, 30 years later I still don't know if there are any more chances left, and am not about to find out.
So are you done? Will you stick with recovery this time? For your sake, I really pray for you.
Welcome Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,833
Wow, I really hope you answer this wake-up call. I've been following your struggles on here for over two years now and I hope and pray that you can finally stop this madness once and for all!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Aysha 
Yes, i guess I am prime example of someone who doesnt get it and wont until I die.
I, too, wondered for a long time why I couldn't get it. Why couldn't I just stay sober? God knows I'd suffered enough and felt enough consequences. Why wouldn't the lightbulb click on for me?
The simple fact for me was, that I knew nothing about how to stay sober. My own track record was ample proof of this. When I became willing to give up my ideas about how to live, and to TAKE THE ACTIONS that others had taken to recover, then I, too, recovered. Pretty simple. Why don't you get with somebody, TODAY, that has successfully recovered, and have them show you how to do it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I honestly don't know what to say to you right now.
I'm horribly disappointed and sad over your latest venture into addiction. I really hope you 'get it' this time and don't become a sad statistic.
I'm horribly disappointed and sad over your latest venture into addiction. I really hope you 'get it' this time and don't become a sad statistic. 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
