Cadrian

So I started drinking a bit a few months ago... and honestly, I thought I was handling things alright.

It wasn't the same yearning as before, it wasn't this intense craze infesting my mind with want.

It was calmer, more a suggestion in the background.

I don't think I want to drink any more - I know this is a vague statement.

Like, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

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Yesterday some of my actions went overboard, I wasn't smart or sharp and the alcohol made me sloppy and as a result I've been in a tailspin all this morning with damage control.

Thus far, it doesn't seem like there was too much damage... but I'm still waiting.

Wow, I am awesome at this vague-stuff, right? It not a big deal in a way, but I'm tense all the same.

My reputation might take hit, I might get embarrassed but that will be it.

Also, I'm putting a lot of trust in someone else... and I'm not at all comfortable with that.

I know I would keep a person's confidences without a doubt... this other person... I don't really know, there's just a hope.

I figure this is a good opening shot at trying sobriety again... it's trust in the unknown, etc.

Anna

Yes, taking that leap of faith is really scary.

I sure do not miss the 'damage control'. It seemed to be never-ending in my drinking days to the point I couldn't keep up anymore and pretty much gave up. It's so worth stopping drinking, and we are here to offer support.

Dee74

Hi Cadrian

I remember thinking I was doing ok too - but it really can change in a minute. I don;t miss the endless obsessing about being drunk, not being drunk, control, reputation etc

I'm not sure who this other person is, or how they come into it....but Anna's right - it is a leap of faith...we have to trust we're going to be ok, even tho we're making a major life change.

Ultimately I believe we have to do this for us...but that doesn't mean we have to do it alone...there's a lot of support and ideas here.

Good to see you back

D

Cadrian

I wish I could get to a place of not caring about what people think of me.

(And not the half-a-bottle-of-vodka-later version of that.)

I think that's where some of my stress comes from - I make a good impression and I'm stressed the second time I meet that person, oh bother, now they expect something from me. Of me.

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One of the worse things about damage control... I'm basically waiting for people to awaken from slumber and then accidentally run into me... and me being eagle-eyes over whether they have judgment in their eyes.

Or if they're actually smirking from behind their menu.

It's this whole big farce... because now I'm walking over egg shells for the next few days, waiting for that other shoe to drop.

And no one knows I'm doing this.

This is such an asinine situation, it makes no sense... I guess the upside is I'm oddly finding this funny (as well as half-terrifying).

Dee74

I don't miss the second guessing people either.
It's wonderful to meet people and know you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If social anxiety is a factor in your drinking I recommend some counselling or something - chances are the drinking is making the problem worse. It did for me.

D

Cadrian

Thanks Anna and Dee74 for the words of support.

It has been a while since I've been back - I use to be more on the chat than anything else.

But right now, I think I need something I can revisit... I mean, you can revisit the chat but your words are essentially gone after you log-out.

(And I always use to find comfort in that until about now.)

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Right now I'm trying to think about what's next.

Okay, step 1 (not actual step 1): Try to calm down.

My heart is beating pretty fast, I don't think I'm on the verge of a heart attack, or panic attack or anything... but I'm kind of wired.

Tension? I kind of feel like there's a spring waiting to go off inside... and it's purely physical... but without the dangerous physical symptoms of attack.

It doesn't feel bad, I just don't have a name for it.

I do feel good about making a decision though.

---

Also, I just realized I don't know how threads on this forum work since I was always a chatter type.

Dee74

You seem to be doing ok thread wise

D

Cadrian

I'd like that, not holding back with people.

I wouldn't classify myself as shy because I figure, a shy person wouldn't be able to address a room full of people (I'm speaking in the hundreds and thousands here)... but I choke up when talking to a room of fifteen?

Maybe it's a self esteem issue, I'm rattled when people pay attention to me... and when I drink, it's this excuse to blurt out everything and anything.

A cork under tension.

Dee74

I think anxiety comes in a variety of guises and hits us in various ways.

The bottom line is drinking makes it worse - not only do we become dependent on alcohol to function socially, but it also heightens our general anxiety levels when we're withdrawing or when we don't have it...

there's got to be better ways to deal

D

Cadrian

I just got a message from the other person involved in my... wake up call?

(I think that puts a good spin on things.)

And their response was: They understand, my confidences might have been shaken and I was acting out of character and I had been drinking heavily.

It's a load off my mind... though, they made this declaration out to the void, so, people know this person has the goods on another person.

(And now I'm back to being paranoid.)

----

I think I'm still a little shaky from the night before (I'm not drunk, I stopped drinking before midnight and it's nearing noon here), I'm about to be around family... in say, the next hour... and it'll last until late afternoon.

I'm trying to get myself in a good... mood? Mode? Like "zen mode" when you go traveling / on vacation and you could let the tension get to you... but you let it just glide off of you.

I need that... but sadly, yup, that's what I've been using alcohol for... and honestly, I didn't actually work that way, it never really made me relaxed, it made me feel bullet-proof... and as last night proved, fairly insensitive and rushed in action... and not at all stealthy in expressing my feelings.

I think I'm going to try and neaten my studio in some anal-retentive cleaning frenzy but I'll pop back in here I start to feel overwhelmed or tempted.

Thanks for the help.

Aeon

This quote concerns me a bit. Sound like minimizing. Any consequence incurred by alcohol that is shrugged off is a consequence that isn't done with you yet.

Just remember, a stick of dynamite starts out with a fizzling spark traveling slowly along a wick. Sure doesn't seem like much at first.

sugarbear1

It takes an hour for each ounce of alcohol consumed to leave your body. 2 beers = 24 ounces = 1 day. Your body is still influenced...

Hevyn

Hi Cadrian. I'm glad you're posting about your situation. Please do come back and talk it out. We care about you.

Cadrian

Wasn't trying to minimize the "incident" more so trying to put things into context:

I didn't kill anyone, I wasn't driving... no crime was committed but I am in a bind that will have some kind of impact.

It's still lingering about.

The other person... I don't know well enough to know their character and I'm just taking them on their word (their clumsy, declaration on a social media site) that they'll keep my confidences and save me some embarrassment.

I'm going to face some degree of harassment if I'm caught out, I'm not sweeping that under the rug, I'm just not trying to freak out about now.

Cadrian

Didn't know that.

Interesting point and it does explain the kind of day I was having, partly. Thanks for the info.

BobGT

Actually, beer is only 5-7% alcohol. So 24 ounces of beer is around 1 1/2 ounces of alcohol, which would take one and a half hours to leave. I have always heard that an hour per drink was a good rule of thumb. But maybe I'm wrong.

That doesn't mean it is ok to drink though. If alcohol is causing you problems, the rational thing to do is to quit drinking. Best wishes.

WritingFromLife

I know this doesn't help much right now, but I have a feeling whatever you did won't sting nearly as much in just a few days. I can remember that "day after" paranoia--all eyes on me, the word travelling fast, etc. After the cobwebs cleared, it wasn't so much what I had done went away, but i was able to accept it, know it was the past, and if anyone chose to judge me, I saw it in a different light--(not to be confused with denial and picking up a drink again, mind you!) Thing for me though, I had to stop permanently before these things stopped haunting me. If I drank too much in just the right mood, wham! All the things would just pop back up! It's amazing how we think others are sooo focused on us and our lives, when in reality, they are focusing on their own messes for the most part.

firestorm090

One expression I've heard is "What other people think of me is none of my business", or something like that, lol. I didn't like the expression at first, but now use it often to remind myself of where my priorities lie.

There's also, "To thine own self be true" and William really knew what he was talking about.

If you keep sweeping the porch, you keep stirring up dust, sometimes we just need to put the broom away and let the dust settle for a while. When there's less dust in the air, we can see the work clearer.

Give yourself a break today and just do the family thing, and keep the plug in the jug.
Tomorrow you'll be able to start fresh and anew.

Cadrian

Thanks for the words of support you guys.

---

It's a couple days later now...

I'm still a little paranoid.
More so because i realized that I hadn't embarrassed myself in front of one person... but actually two peoples.
I had called someone and I didn't remember (or process that information) until yesterday.

My studio is partly cleaner and I really need to get on that, I hate clutter.

Food-wise, I'm having sugar cravings due to two things:
No alcohol and chocolate is generally my cramming / studying food (I'm day 2 of vacation but the amount of chocolate I consumed over the past week was more than I consumed for the year.)
I probably need more veggies in my diet but yesterday I was keen on trying to burn away my stress with exercise that I ended up eating junk food because I got to a point where I was so hungry, and it was convenient.

I'm feeling less shaky and more unsure -
My anxiety is giving me that, skeleton-jumping-out-of-skin feeling.
I'm not culling away stressful factors is what I noticed:
I have a sort of job interview on Friday that I'm not prepared for, my birthday is Thursday and I'm a little scared.
And I have a few loose ends with school assignments and one pretty major assignment I haven't started on - but is due around November.

Upsides though, I am still sober.

Dee74

there's nothing really to be scared about Cadrian - you can celebrate your birthday anyway you like - I'd probably give the usual Aussie pub idea a miss tho.

There's always support here too - when you need it

D