shawty80

i was confirming my relationship to xab on fb. as silly as it sounds, it was a very happy day for me because that little button-click confirmed to ALL of our friends (and to me, as well...) that we were serious.

now, i'm mourning the loss of the relationship and finding that i have quite a bit of bitterness stewing inside of me. i'm angry that i chose to stand beside him as he went through detox. i'm angry that i chose to stand beside him as he went through the early stages of recovery and became but a shell of who he had been. i'm angry that he chose to end the relationship, citing bogus reasons, and to pick up drinking again. i'm simply...angry.

i'm also mourning the loss of my sweet grandmother, who passed away three years ago today. she was a beautiful woman and i truly cherish the memories i have of her. i miss her kindness, her songs, her love of listening to soaps on the radio, her way with honeysuckle and crepe myrtles, the clocks chiming in her house, her obsession with trashy romance novels (which she read into the wee hours of the morning), and everything else about her. i am blessed to have had such an amazing woman in my life.

TakingCharge999

Shawty,

Let the angry feelings wash away like waves in the ocean... those will subside, for me it has been 3 years... it gets so much better (I have stayed No Contact)

To me it is a good sign to get angry - it means you realize you deserve more than what you have chosen before. Progress. Not perfection

I send you hugs ((HUGS))

shawty80

thank you so much, takingcharge!

marie1960

Shawty, I was angry too. First I was angry at XA, then I was super pissed off at myself for tolerating all the craziness. It was all such a waste of time and effort.

You know what ? I woke up one morning and the anger had left me. It no longer mattered. I got off the roller coaster and the ride from hell was over. I was free.

It's going to get better, allow yourself some time to process everything.

May the memories of your grandmother continue to comfort you.

All my best to you.

shawty80

thank you, marie. i'm definitely looking forward to that day when freedom settles in.

i know how healing anger can be for me. i truly believe that it helps me process hard times, and am grateful for being able to feel it. it's not a dominant emotion right now, but one which erupts on occasion. however, i have an old metal bread box that my sister gave me a few years ago that might just earn a few new dings this weekend.

i cherish the memories of my grandma (well, really ALL of my grandparents) and have definitely used them as comfort throughout the years. good grandparents are certainly hard to beat!!!

thanks again for your kind words.

skippernlilg

I came here about a year ago. I remember being so resentful because of the situation I was in. The resentment is gone today. I pray that is something you get to experience, too, very soon.

Tuffgirl

I understand your feelings today. But I think the last 9 months of separation has given me a lot of time to work through those angry feelings to come to the place of just being sad. Sad for me because I didn't get what I thought I was going to have for my life and marriage and family. But most of all, sad for him that someone has to suffer like that, trapped in an addicted mind that doesn't function properly, and sad for the day in the future that he realizes the choices he made and the damage he inflicted. For alcohol.

I look around at my life - my gorgeous daughters, my sweet pups, my little house that everyone says "looks like me", my bills are paid, I may be living on the broke side of life but I am making it ok. I drive a 12 yr old SUV that rattles and shakes and squeaks to high heaven, but its paid off and the moose can hear me coming!

Every night when I take my personal inventory I know I have lived each day to the personal mission statement I wrote for myself 6 years ago. I know I did the best I could with the best of intentions, and that is the best I can ask of myself. I listen to my intuition now and watch for my "god shots" - where my HP is leading me - the doors that open. I investigate each one now with no fear or mistrust, just curiosity.

When I first came here to SR, I was at one of the lowest places in my life. I can honestly say, even though my RAH is choosing to end the marriage with some seriously whacked bogus reasons that put all the blame on me - I am not buying any of it and I feel really, really good about myself and my life choices. Because I truly believe this is not how my story ends. My story is a work in progress, and this is simply the end of one chapter in my life. There are many more chapters ahead, and I am looking forward to experiencing them to the fullest.

May you feel the same serenity soon....

wellnowwhat

Tuffgirl: You sound so healthy!

Wishing you the best!