melon1989

Husband told me that right after we got married in May he robbed a house. This past week his parole was transferred to my state. He was in rehab before the transfer and said that it really did nothing for him. Yet he has stayed sober for the week he has been with me and has been attending meetings.
BUT he completely ignores me. Usurps my laptop and watches endless movies on the couch. Everything I say he gets nasty about whether it is me asking him to clean the apartment and his messes or the way I treat my diabetes. He sleeps and lives on the couch and makes no effort to be in a relationship. He just expects that I'll be there buying him food and being a friendly face.
I know this is a huge transition for him but he tends to be a user. He threw a temper tantrum last night because he ran out of cigarrettes and no one was going to buy them for him. Someone at NA (or maybe this is his interpretation) said he should not get a job for now, just focus on his recovery. I appreciate what they are saying but a part time job would not kill him. He could buy his cigarrettes and the red bull and I won't be going bankrupt.
I will take him out to dinner tonight for being 30 days sober but it is very painful to be completely dismissed as someone who brings in the money and should pay for his "necessities" as he put it.

dollydo

What happened to Codys long term rehab of a year? He is not healthy, he trying to white knuckle his addiction, this never works for the long term. Being on parole he probably has to take drug tests, so more than likely that is why he is not using. Is he going to NA meetings?

What about you? have you read Codependent No More and are you attending Naranon meetings?

You are enabling him, from my experience, this will backfire right in your face. As for the dinner, you are already supporting him, what is there to celebrate, I'd save the dinner until he picks up his one year chip, sober and working a strong recovery program for a year.

Work on you, you are going to need many coping skills if you continue to live with him.

Freedom1990

If, and that's a big if, someone told him that, shame on them.

When I got out of rehab, there was no being unemployed. I had an 8-year-old daughter to support, as well as myself.

I was on foot looking for jobs, and within a week landed a full-time job as a CNA at the nursing home.

Part of recovery IS being responsible, and that includes working to support the family.

I can relate to what you are going through as I was married to a convicted felon, and in the five years we were together, he worked one job for about 2 weeks.

Never again.

I don't carry dead weight these days, and thank God for that.

melon1989

He could barely sit in the 28 day rehab and yes I agree he is not using because he is on parole. I am going to a al anon meeting tonight but I was brutally honest with myself last night -- I don't see this living situation improving any time soon or ever. He refuses to take care of himself and be real about his recovery. His idea of taking care of himself is hustling a hooker on the street for money.

These are the idle threats I get when I don't get him what he wants. And I say well you can go do that but you cant' live here if you do.

We went through this a few years ago when I was a raging codependent and avoider. Now I am great at detachment but it is very very painful to be completely ignored and used. Those are feelings I didn't let myself feel before so I could somehow survive in the relationship. But those hurt feelings are very real to me now and they are not worth it.

I am going to see how the week plays out but I love myself too much to enable him and allow that energy to exist in my apartment.

melon1989

then in those quiet moments, he'll turn to me and try to tell me how much he respects me as a person. yesterday he was commenting on how driven I am, how I take care of myself full throttle. I am constantly turbocharged in the right direction. He talked about how he cannot understand how I am completely sober -- no drugs of any kind (not even tylenol or antiobiotics), no drinking, no sugar, no processed foods, etc. When he sees me dance and sing and be completely free and beyond concern of being judged, he thinks I am on crack. It is this cycle of fear, awe, resentment, anger, domineering attitude towards me and barely any real connection. It sucks.

LifeRecovery

It is those quiet moments you describe that kept me hooked.

For a long time I let what I was told by my loved one impact me, but not his behavior.

Now that I am realizing how the two did not match, I realize I really started to get better when I started to look on behavior only.

hello-kitty

Your husband is not in recovery. He's just not using right now because he's scared to violate his parole. That doesn't bode well for his future. My ex stayed clean for 3 months when he got out of prison. He didn't work a program. He got bored. He got frustrated at his job. He relapsed. His behavior is very typical. That's what happens to guys who get out of prison and don't get some kind of professional help (or work a program of recovery) for the underlying issues that ended them up their in the first place. And there's a difference between WORKING a program and just going to meetings because you are court ordered. It's a mind-set change.

Glad you are going to Alanon. We have a saying around here - work the recovery you wish the addict would work. You could also check out a great book - Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. It will help you recognize enabling and codependent behaviors you didn't even realize that you had. (And by reading your post, I can see lots of them - ie... taking your husband out to dinner when he is nasty to you)

That way, no matter what his choices, your life will get better.

This is manipulation. And it does suck. It's confusing. That's why it's important to look at someone's ACTIONS towards you, and don't listen to their words. Actions don't lie about a person's true character.

melon1989

I completely lost site of myself last night. I even offered to rub his feet to try to get him to even acknowledge me. He said "you are being really weird". I explained to him that we have totally different schedules and I just wanted to spend some time with him. He just chatted about what was on netflix and different horror movies he wanted to see. It was so superficial and so sad and slowly throughout the morning today I got a grip on myself and am going to an al-anon meeting tonight and getting myself some dinner sans him.

I cry for myself because I am this power house of a person and I refuse to be brought down by this or him. I have so much going for me. And I know what that means when the super strong part of me says "I refuse to be brought down by this" and I thinks that is why I am crying. This is not going to happen and my desperate acts last night were to see if somehow I could reverse it but I can't. I can only do me and I love myself more than anything.

dollydo

Actions, not words, words mean nothing when dealing with an addict. Addicts are master manipulators, master con artists.

Addicts have the inate ability to seek out others who are weak. needy and vulnerable and they know how to hook and reel them in.

Keep those meetings up, keep working on you. You are an intelligent woman, don't try and think with your heart, let your head do the job it is intended to do.

melon1989

I wrote this last night. It was my brain's message to my heart. He was staring at me and kept asking me what I was writing":

"I have never been a stuck human. Even when I was going in the wrong direction, I kept going. It was my personal ethic to never let my mind be entrapped or my life force limited by judgment. It made me a mangled little emotional mess, constantly protecting what I saw as virtues against a world that wanted to label me otherwise. By the time I was 25 I was a neurotic and in pain, so much pain but never stopped believing in myself, even if it felt like dragging myself across a hot bed of coals. The self doubt was severe but never once did I completely falter, completely fall flat on my face.

Then came the time to completely rip through myself, resurrect the person in me I kept on fighting for but never really let out. The convulsing the crying the vomiting the emotional pain that shuddered through me as I remembered every wound and traced it over with love and care and then moved beyond it into a place where I could feel myself breathe. In those moments, death seemed easier but somehow I kept going and now I stand radiant in myself. There is no denying my beauty, that brightness, the calm inside me that now never ever falters and takes any punch with grace and self love.

No one really doubts me anymore. I push through them like walking through tall grass. But I do find those who still live in fear and bleakness but want to live and I hold out my hand. But they usually refuse my strength and hold on to the daily rituals of live JUST TO GET BY. And it makes me cry and hurt inside and for an extended moment I feel so alone... but I remember that every milisecond of my existence is now a creative revolution. I am never the same, always in a state of inspiration and epiphany, moving forward and metamorphizing into something greater than I could ever imagine. I am always better than I was the next day, so much wisdom in a week or so."

hello-kitty

You are not alone. Glad you found this website. I look forward to hearing about your first Alanon meeting and the things you are going to work on to find peace and recovery for yourself!

outtolunch

Rewarding him for laying on the couch begets him laying on the couch.

outtolunch

Sounds a tad like a compulsion to recsue and fix other people because we know what's best for others, eh.

suki44883

If someone treated me like crap, the last thing I'd do is take them out to dinner.

outtolunch

This guy ain't wired right. Based on your prior posts it sounds like he has spent his life manipulating and living off the system and other people. Drugs are only a symptom of what ails him. Take the drugs out of the picture and he's still an unmotivated moocher with criminal tendencies.

What are you getting out of enabling him? What's in this relationship for you?
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is not sound thinking on your part. Now that you have made it a legal relationship, you might be responsible for his debts and he may be entitled to half your assets. Heck, he might even be entitled to a portion of your future income.

So as Ann Landers used to say, "wake up and smell the coffee, my dear".

We codependents tend to obsess over people and things we do not control to avoid looking at our own issues and controlling ourselves.

mooselips

Well, you sound smart to me, although you're lacking in an awareness gene at the moment.

Are you hoping he'll change?
Do you feel kind of sorry for him?
Is he scary? Has he ever been physically threatening?


Something is going on here, for a woman who sounds as strong as you to be living this nightmare.

Do you have a plan?

A boundary of mine has always been, I work, you get to work too.

A man on a couch is a bad thing, it makes us feel resentful, and used.
(which what I think is happening here)

Hugs, and positive thoughts coming your way.........