He's getting married
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
He's getting married
and I'm devestated about it. I just learned this today. I don't even know how to feel.
I knew I would never marry him because of his financial situation ($30,000 in cc debit rolled over into his mortgage, and then built up another $30,000 in 2 years? he didn't know I knew, I saw the statements). So did he clean up for her? When he was with me, he lied to my face, spent like he had it or I'd pay for it, alcoholic, I witnessed signs of withdrawl that he call "carpal tunnel", he slept around on me with the now fiancee, hung out with his ex girlfriend behind my back, etc.
And now? He's happy as a pig in **** and everyone loves them. I don't understand. I get **** on and he wins? So this has me beating up myself. Her I am alone, still angry and resentful and he wins.
It's so unfair I can't stand it and I'm so angry right now. I got treated like **** and she gets treated like gold. It's like a whole different person.
And in true codependant style, I keep thinking what I did wrong? Yup, I did something wrong.
I wish I could get past this...
I knew I would never marry him because of his financial situation ($30,000 in cc debit rolled over into his mortgage, and then built up another $30,000 in 2 years? he didn't know I knew, I saw the statements). So did he clean up for her? When he was with me, he lied to my face, spent like he had it or I'd pay for it, alcoholic, I witnessed signs of withdrawl that he call "carpal tunnel", he slept around on me with the now fiancee, hung out with his ex girlfriend behind my back, etc.
And now? He's happy as a pig in **** and everyone loves them. I don't understand. I get **** on and he wins? So this has me beating up myself. Her I am alone, still angry and resentful and he wins.
It's so unfair I can't stand it and I'm so angry right now. I got treated like **** and she gets treated like gold. It's like a whole different person.
And in true codependant style, I keep thinking what I did wrong? Yup, I did something wrong.
I wish I could get past this...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 437
OUCH! I know it hurts..boy do I know! But if he is an addict/alcoholic and he didnt get clean he will not be happy as pigs in #### for long. Trust me, it will all fall down around him. Thats what happens. It's inevitable. I wont say you are better off with out him, because i am sure thats not how it feels now. But you will be eventually, and you will see it and know this was a good thing. HUGS!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I knew I would never marry him because of his financial situation ($30,000 in cc debit rolled over into his mortgage, and then built up another $30,000 in 2 years? he didn't know I knew, I saw the statements)
- And that's why he's NOT what you want, you KNOW these things. You said he doesn't know you know, do you think she knows? Probably not.
I can only imagine the myriad of emotions you have going on inside, anger, sadness, self blame...... all of these torturous things. And they are just thoughts. They are NOT reality, whatever you think about their situation, it doesn't make it how it is.
When my A went back to his ex 2 years ago I, it made me hit rock bottom. I felt so ugly, he NEVER wanted to spend time with me (just used me a couple of times), never wanted to take me out, I felt just worthless.
Later, in my stalking days, I saw a ton of pictures of them, usually beer was around, they were drinking, but they looked happy. He would take her out to dinner, bought her flowers, romantic pics of them cuddled on the couch, dancing in the middle of a crowd....UGH!! It TORE me up.
All I could think was why not me!!?? Why does he love her??
Flash forward to a year later and he was calling me, pre-planning is break up with her. He did nothing but bash her when he spoke to me. How drunk she would get, how their relationship was a nightmare (I do believe it was a nightmare, but this is of course standard...blaming someone else for everything)....anyhoo, what did I learn? That all of those images, sure they happened, they shared those moments, but my thoughts about it weren't real. He was NOT her knight in shining armor.
Nothing is picture perfect. Haven't you ever watched the Lifetime Network?
- And that's why he's NOT what you want, you KNOW these things. You said he doesn't know you know, do you think she knows? Probably not.
I can only imagine the myriad of emotions you have going on inside, anger, sadness, self blame...... all of these torturous things. And they are just thoughts. They are NOT reality, whatever you think about their situation, it doesn't make it how it is.
When my A went back to his ex 2 years ago I, it made me hit rock bottom. I felt so ugly, he NEVER wanted to spend time with me (just used me a couple of times), never wanted to take me out, I felt just worthless.
Later, in my stalking days, I saw a ton of pictures of them, usually beer was around, they were drinking, but they looked happy. He would take her out to dinner, bought her flowers, romantic pics of them cuddled on the couch, dancing in the middle of a crowd....UGH!! It TORE me up.
All I could think was why not me!!?? Why does he love her??
Flash forward to a year later and he was calling me, pre-planning is break up with her. He did nothing but bash her when he spoke to me. How drunk she would get, how their relationship was a nightmare (I do believe it was a nightmare, but this is of course standard...blaming someone else for everything)....anyhoo, what did I learn? That all of those images, sure they happened, they shared those moments, but my thoughts about it weren't real. He was NOT her knight in shining armor.
Nothing is picture perfect. Haven't you ever watched the Lifetime Network?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hugs BS08!! The other day a friend that met "us" in the good times told me that he was still with his GF and I felt my stomach turn.. I could mutter "I don't want to talk about it" but it has been 3 years already ... sometimes time alone does not heal all wounds. It takes a conscious effort.
What about writing our Ex's about how they have made us feel? We could do this exercise at a convenient time for both of us. For me its easier if I know someone else is facing the emotions too. Later on we can trash or burn the papers.
And honestly BS08... HIS LIFE DOES NOT MATTER.. do you believe in karma? I do... I stop feeling revenge when I realize XABF will face God, HP one day. I personally believe... the way ppl pay for hurting others is, feeling what others felt. So if XABF will feel how he made me feel, fine, that is punishment enough for me!! this is my twisted way of letting go.
When the man is cheating again and lying again and broke again and maybe drunk again, you will be spending a weekend on the beach with a wonderful man who would never, ever EVER DREAM of hurting you or lie to you.
What about writing our Ex's about how they have made us feel? We could do this exercise at a convenient time for both of us. For me its easier if I know someone else is facing the emotions too. Later on we can trash or burn the papers.
And honestly BS08... HIS LIFE DOES NOT MATTER.. do you believe in karma? I do... I stop feeling revenge when I realize XABF will face God, HP one day. I personally believe... the way ppl pay for hurting others is, feeling what others felt. So if XABF will feel how he made me feel, fine, that is punishment enough for me!! this is my twisted way of letting go.
When the man is cheating again and lying again and broke again and maybe drunk again, you will be spending a weekend on the beach with a wonderful man who would never, ever EVER DREAM of hurting you or lie to you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
BTW any day after 10 PM CDT is fine with me, at that time I tend to be introspective and I also need to "tell" XABF to $&&/%&&/&=$"#&.
And no one "wins" we are all just learning and going through different emotions at different times ......
To me you are a winner by being yourself BS08, treat yourself well ..... start loving yourself .....
Write your qualities and put the paper in your bedroom , read it often.. this works !!
Today I learned some affirmations
I am strong
I am capable
I am confident
I deserve to take the stage
There are a ton of things you can do to feel better..
And no one "wins" we are all just learning and going through different emotions at different times ......
To me you are a winner by being yourself BS08, treat yourself well ..... start loving yourself .....
Write your qualities and put the paper in your bedroom , read it often.. this works !!
Today I learned some affirmations
I am strong
I am capable
I am confident
I deserve to take the stage
There are a ton of things you can do to feel better..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
I, too, understand your pain. Like Taking Charge, it has been 3 years since I split up with ex, and I still get triggered when I hear about him and his gf, who he has been with since 4 or 5 months after our split. He is still drinking though, and still getting into scrapes through it - not a life I could or would live with anymore. I don't see his relationship as 'moving on' - alcoholics do not move on, they are stuck. Keep moving forward, in little steps, and things will get better. You do not need a man like that in your life - and however nice he SEEMS to be to her, he is still horrible underneath, or he wouldn't have treated you so badly. Affirm to yourself that you are better off without him - tell yourself this often enough, and you will start to believe it! I still get incredibly angry - we have a little boy together, who he abandoned at 4 years of age. Whenever I get sad, I remind myself that I most certainly do not want a partner capable of THAT. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Believe me, if he hid his debt from you, I doubt that he told her....did he magically come up with 60K to make him a perfect catch? This poor woman is in for a world of hurt and if she's married to him, she's married to his debt....UGH, you don't want that.
I did not know that "Mr. Fandy" was carrying 3 mortgages on a little condo he bought in 1986 until after I lived with him for 4 years (at my house)...once the silver plate wears off, all you've got is rusted tin....
Take the high road and feel better that you are having a fantastic life ahead of you if you let yourself...(this goes for me too)
I did not know that "Mr. Fandy" was carrying 3 mortgages on a little condo he bought in 1986 until after I lived with him for 4 years (at my house)...once the silver plate wears off, all you've got is rusted tin....
Take the high road and feel better that you are having a fantastic life ahead of you if you let yourself...(this goes for me too)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
BSO8-
About 18 mths ago my husband started an affair. I had "resigned" myself to the drinking which I did not truly understand the extent of until we got married.
It ripped off the denial Band-aid. I started to get help in addition to my own individual work (marriage counseling, Al-anon etc). I had never been willing to do that before. We had decided to try to work on things. That only lasted about four months, we have been living apart a little over a year.
He is living with his affair partner, and someone shared that they might be engaged. Her ex husband is also living with a new significant other. I am living with my two dogs and know that I need to heal myself before I can even consider a relationship.
Sometimes though I get in a vicious cycle of what is wrong with me. There were four of us directly impacted by all of this (significant alcohol use was involved on many levels too). I am age dating myself, but I catch myself singing the Sesame Street song about "One of these things is not like the others....." and that can be really hard as I know I am the one who is "different" in this situation and sometimes I really feel that and it is hard not to think "What is wrong with me?"
I only make it worse when I become my own judge and jury. I make myself crazy.
When I am gentle with myself, and share with supportive people how I am feeling I get great reminders that I am working on healing, I am working on getting grounded in myself so I can be a better partner for a relationship down the road etc. I am actually feeling all this stuff so it does not ferment and explode later on.
I do better when I start listing how things are better for ME right now. When I start to bring the others in I start to get myself worked up.
How are things better for you right now? My list includes:
-I am not walking on eggshells
-I have shown myself that I can support myself with a house, job etc
-I am learning how to set boundaries
-I am learning how to separate out what stuff is mine and not mine (it was all mine before).
Thanks for sharing and I am sending out kinds thoughts to you today. Take care of you.
About 18 mths ago my husband started an affair. I had "resigned" myself to the drinking which I did not truly understand the extent of until we got married.
It ripped off the denial Band-aid. I started to get help in addition to my own individual work (marriage counseling, Al-anon etc). I had never been willing to do that before. We had decided to try to work on things. That only lasted about four months, we have been living apart a little over a year.
He is living with his affair partner, and someone shared that they might be engaged. Her ex husband is also living with a new significant other. I am living with my two dogs and know that I need to heal myself before I can even consider a relationship.
Sometimes though I get in a vicious cycle of what is wrong with me. There were four of us directly impacted by all of this (significant alcohol use was involved on many levels too). I am age dating myself, but I catch myself singing the Sesame Street song about "One of these things is not like the others....." and that can be really hard as I know I am the one who is "different" in this situation and sometimes I really feel that and it is hard not to think "What is wrong with me?"
I only make it worse when I become my own judge and jury. I make myself crazy.
When I am gentle with myself, and share with supportive people how I am feeling I get great reminders that I am working on healing, I am working on getting grounded in myself so I can be a better partner for a relationship down the road etc. I am actually feeling all this stuff so it does not ferment and explode later on.
I do better when I start listing how things are better for ME right now. When I start to bring the others in I start to get myself worked up.
How are things better for you right now? My list includes:
-I am not walking on eggshells
-I have shown myself that I can support myself with a house, job etc
-I am learning how to set boundaries
-I am learning how to separate out what stuff is mine and not mine (it was all mine before).
Thanks for sharing and I am sending out kinds thoughts to you today. Take care of you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Always remember that alcoholics/drug addicts are liers and master manipulators.
The poor girl he is marrying has a life of heatache ahead of her, plus she now gets to share in his financial mess...sounds like a must miss to me.
I know it hurts, however, be proud of yourself, you had the common sense and brains to move on.
Do something special for you today!
The poor girl he is marrying has a life of heatache ahead of her, plus she now gets to share in his financial mess...sounds like a must miss to me.
I know it hurts, however, be proud of yourself, you had the common sense and brains to move on.
Do something special for you today!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Raleigh,NC.
Posts: 10
I remember reading somewhere...you think ; aww I know they are having a lovely candle lit dinner at a romantic restaurant on a Saturday night, when in fact it was eating TV dinners, drinking cheap whiskey and watching COPS! 
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Something else that helped me was to ponder what happiness really means to ME
-alcohol? no
-stupid jokes? no
-never a moment of silence? no
-mental clarity? yes
-interesting books? yes
-silence? yes
-spas? yes
-carrot juice? yes
I realized I did nothing that meant joy for me when I was with XABF. Find out what makes you happy... it gets fun once you start, discover who you are, with some time you will be engaged and enthusiastic about your own life and anyone else's life will not be interesting to you ...
Also remember among the worst things with alcoholism is that everything is secret and hidden. I recall my best girl friend saying I had "the perfect life" with a new job, a trip to the beach with XABF ... that night he verbally abused me in a way I had never experienced. But who was there to witness/remember such thing? me... everyone else (even another friend that went with us.. friend of him, anyway) thought it was the best holiday ever... and most probably XABF because all he did was drink.
You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe the woman is already lurking in SR. Or maybe she will. She is no different than any of us, perhaps believing lies, in denial, or also an alcoholic... your fantasy is making you suffer, let it go... also everybody seemed to love XABF but you know why? he was the clown, the teenager at parties ... he didn't have a single true friend.
-alcohol? no
-stupid jokes? no
-never a moment of silence? no
-mental clarity? yes
-interesting books? yes
-silence? yes
-spas? yes
-carrot juice? yes
I realized I did nothing that meant joy for me when I was with XABF. Find out what makes you happy... it gets fun once you start,
discover who you are, with some time you will be engaged and enthusiastic about your own life and anyone else's life will not be interesting to you ... Also remember among the worst things with alcoholism is that everything is secret and hidden. I recall my best girl friend saying I had "the perfect life" with a new job, a trip to the beach with XABF ... that night he verbally abused me in a way I had never experienced. But who was there to witness/remember such thing? me... everyone else (even another friend that went with us.. friend of him, anyway) thought it was the best holiday ever... and most probably XABF because all he did was drink.
You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe the woman is already lurking in SR. Or maybe she will. She is no different than any of us, perhaps believing lies, in denial, or also an alcoholic... your fantasy is making you suffer, let it go... also everybody seemed to love XABF but you know why? he was the clown, the teenager at parties ... he didn't have a single true friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
I'm so sorry your feeling "Hurt" But I'm so very very proud of you for getting out of that mess, You are much stronger than you realize... I too lived with a guy who was a alcoholic, And I met his ex-wife, just recently, Not only was he mentally abusive to her, he was also physcially abusive...
He was only mentally cruel to me, however my point is it made me realize, that until he wants to change, he will never be good for any woman... Does the idea of him being with someone bother me, "yes to a point it does" but then I have to snap back into reality and say to myself "I feel for his next victim".
At first everything was lovey dovey between me and him and then 3 months later, I saw his true colors...
So when you start feeling sad over this, Just stop and kind of give yourself a reality check, I promise, that you will see things in whole different light.
Hugs and praying for you.
He was only mentally cruel to me, however my point is it made me realize, that until he wants to change, he will never be good for any woman... Does the idea of him being with someone bother me, "yes to a point it does" but then I have to snap back into reality and say to myself "I feel for his next victim".
At first everything was lovey dovey between me and him and then 3 months later, I saw his true colors...
So when you start feeling sad over this, Just stop and kind of give yourself a reality check, I promise, that you will see things in whole different light.
Hugs and praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Sounds to me as if you dodged a bullet. I think you are very lucky............ Just remember you can't polish a turd.
If nothing changes nothing changes
Take care of you. Sending you good thoughts.
If nothing changes nothing changes
Take care of you. Sending you good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey there...
When I met my AH... I had heard all sorts of stories about his past, ex-girlfriends, the drinking problems... the credit card debt. I thought (in my codependent mind)... "But I'm different! I'm smart! I'm strong! I'm better than they were! (yuck) He'll clean up FOR ME!!!"
Guess what? He didn't. Nothing changed. Not a goddamn thing. We got married. BOught a house, and another... had two kids. And guess what? He's still an alcoholic with a bad spending habit... who verbally abuses (and sometime physically) women. Hardly a prize.
Count your blessings - it may not feel like it right now... but you're a lucky one. Al-anon and a good addiction counselor have done wonders for my self-worth and outlook on life!!
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
When I met my AH... I had heard all sorts of stories about his past, ex-girlfriends, the drinking problems... the credit card debt. I thought (in my codependent mind)... "But I'm different! I'm smart! I'm strong! I'm better than they were! (yuck) He'll clean up FOR ME!!!"
Guess what? He didn't. Nothing changed. Not a goddamn thing. We got married. BOught a house, and another... had two kids. And guess what? He's still an alcoholic with a bad spending habit... who verbally abuses (and sometime physically) women. Hardly a prize.
Count your blessings - it may not feel like it right now... but you're a lucky one. Al-anon and a good addiction counselor have done wonders for my self-worth and outlook on life!!
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon
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