Sad12

I’m looking for advice about how to talk to my boyfriend about a drinking problem I believe he has. My biggest fear is that by saying something, I will make the problem worse. Here is the situation:

He drinks heavily approximately 3 nights a week, and has at least a drink or two most nights. At least a couple times a week I wake up in the night to find him in the living room or out on the balcony, drinking alone. On these nights he commonly drinks several beers 4? 6? and perhaps half a bottle of whiskey.

He’s not at all abusive when he’s been drinking, he is just as kind and respectful as always, but is very obviously drunk. Stumbling, slurred words, etc. I don’t drink at all, so I really don’t understand drinking to get drunk.
I don’t think he has anything bad going on that he needs to “escape from,” but who really knows what is going on in someone else’s head. I don’t know if he’s actually addicted to the alcohol, or just likes to drink heavily.
I also don’t think he eats well or often enough, he’ll skip supper and just get drunk. He works nights, so he sleeps late in the morning, and I don’t think he eats breakfast, either.

So far, I really haven’t addressed this, other than to ask him to please come to bed, telling him he needs to get some sleep, etc.
I really don’t know what to do about it. He has to be harming himself, there is no way that drinking that quantity of alcohol so regularly can be anything but harmful to the organs. And it is hurtful to me to think he’d rather be up with his alcohol than in bed with me. But I’m afraid if I tell him I think he has a problem, he will just take to hiding the drinking, or possibly be angry, and I will make it worse.

What should I do? How should I talk to him about this?

suki44883

Hi, Sad. Welcome to SR! Glad you found us, but sorry you are dealing with this. Please understand that nothing, absolutely nothing you say or do can make his alcoholism any worse or better. Don't ever feel like something you say is going to make him drink more. That isn't how alcoholism works.

Please stick around and be sure to read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there. You have found a place with a lot of support. Most of us have been where you are, so please know that you are among friends who understand.

Terminally Unique

4-6 beers and half a bottle of whiskey in one night is a bit much, although I can't say that I haven't exceeded that amount myself. In the beginning, there won't necessarily be personality distortions, aside from just being drunk and passing out. If he keeps this up for a few years, though, particularly if he ditches the beers and drinks only the whiskey like I eventually did, the alcohol will start to warp his mind.

I recommend the book "Under the Influence" by James Milam for a fairly good description of how this thing usually progresses. He may not like it if you talk to him about it, but neither will it make things worse if you do.

Sad12

He is 40. I've known him for 2 years, but we've only been dating a number of months. If he didn't stay over almost every night, I would never know about his drinking. For all I know, he could have been drinking at this rate for the past 20 years.

As for not making things worse - if I don't make the actual drinking worse, isn't it likely I could make the relationship worse, at least for myself, if he starts hiding it from me? I'd rather know about it than wonder if he's lying or what he's hiding.


I am uncomfortable now taking him out around people I work with, because if he has one beer, he will have as many as he is capable of drinking before I take him home. He doesn't seem to know that 1-2 drinks is really all that is acceptable in that environment.

I just don't know how to bring it up with him. Or even if I should. As I see it, I have three options: 1) Leave (which I don't want to do), 2) Say something to him (although it's been said there's nothing I can do or say to change things, or 3) Say nothing (which is what I have been doing, and hasn't helped either)

MTSlideAddict

Welcome to SR.

From your post, it sounds like the flags have been raised to indicate the earlier stages of alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive. Do not feel afraid that by speaking to him regarding his drinking is going to make it worse. As Suki said, there is nothing you can say or do to control his alcoholism to be any better or worse. If you feel the need to voice your concerns feel free to do so, but do not go into the conversation with any expectations. It is up to him to decide whether he is ready to stop his drinking habits.

There is nothing you can do to help him. The want/need to help the alcoholic realize the state of the problem, stop drinking, or to cover up the drinking is all explained under codependency.

Meanwhile, since you had positively identified the warning signs, now is the time to educate yourself in alcoholism and codependency. Do some research on alcoholism and its progression. Read the stickies, and read about codependency and how his drinking effects you. Make sure you learn to identify boundaries, and decide what you are comfortable with. You say you do not want to leave him, but remember that you are choosing to continue with a relationship with the main he is today, not the man you want/wish him to be. Do not expect him to change.

suki44883

If you haven't talked to him about your concerns before, there's no reason why you can't let him know. Just don't expect it to have much effect. He's going to do what he's going to do, and if he IS an alcoholic (which it sounds highly suspect that he is), you will either have to live with it or leave.

Please keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better on its own. What you have right now with him is likely as good as it will ever be unless he seeks recovery.

Terminally Unique

Not drinking around you as much, and doing it on his own instead is certainly a possibility, one which you will have to weigh out.

You can certainly make that clear to him.

I don't either, that's up to you. Trust your instincts.

Terminally Unique

There is a third option: an ultimatum. I always recommend this rather than just leaving. You can tell someone "if you don't quit drinking for good, without any 'relapses', I will leave for good, and I won't come back, ever." You must be prepared for them to choose the alcohol, and to do as promised in that event, however.

suki44883

Ultimatums rarely work, and you would still be left with the decision of staying or leaving. Boundaries work better, which are kind of like rules you make with yourself as to what you will and will not put up with. They don't require the alcoholic to do anything other than what they're going to do anyway. Something such as...I will not be around someone whose drinking is out of control. That is a boundary for YOU, as opposed to telling him not to drink around you, which would be a rule. You aren't trying to control what he does like you would be if you made rules for him to follow.

painterman

Thanks for this post Sad, I could hear myself in your words, especially with regard to him having nothing to escape from (although he has found something to escape to).
I felt exactly that when my partner had had a seemingly good day but ended up drunk-why?
We probably won't ever know, but I do feel you should talk to him candidly-as everyone says it is unlikely to make things worse, and you can't go on forever with this kind of uncertainty. Good luck!

LaTeeDa

An ultimatum is not really a viable solution in most situations, and especially not in a relationship with an alcoholic. First, you will in essence, be painting yourself into a corner. If you threaten and don't leave, you've lost credibility. You've just set yourself up for having to leave, which you already said you don't want to do. The other side of it is, if he complies with your demands, he will now resent you for "forcing" him to give up his precious alcohol. Not a great basis for a loving relationship.

At least that's how it was for me while I was still trying to control another person. My choices and actions became a lot clearer when I gave up the notion that I had the right to control him and instead determined that I had the right to control my own life (and who is a part of it.)

L

Terminally Unique

It is a last resort, to be sure, but an ultimatum is not an attempt to control, nor does it force anyone to do anything. Once you decide on an ultimatum, it also does not leave you with any choice, because you have already decided what to do. To use your lingo, it sets up a boundary for yourself (not living with an out-of-control drinker), and allows the addicted person to choose for themselves what they want to do. They are then welcome to continue their addiction or not, provided they accept the outcome. There is dignity in choice, however.

Sad12

Truthfully - I love the man he is today. It just makes me very sad to see him doing something that I seriously believe is harming him. It's not his "drunken behavior" that is a problem.

I don't get it. I wouldn't be hemming and hawing over addressing the issue if he just ate too much cholesterol or something. I guess there's the issue of What Is The Problem Now, and the issue of What I'm Afraid The Problem Could Become. The Problem Now isn't that big of a problem. But What It Could Become is very bad, indeed.

Right now, I just want him to be healthy. I don't want to watch him die of a liver disease or something like that. Reducing the quantity of alcohol consumed would do wonders for stopping the harm he's doing. He would probably even be willing to do that...but as it's been said, that's impossible if he IS an alcoholic, even if he wanted to.

Should I determine a boundary for myself that says "if _____ happens, I will leave?" I know without a doubt that if he became abusive I would leave, immediately. But I'm sure that's not the only "unlivable" thing that could happen.

I simply hate the idea of waiting around, always watching for that One Thing that means I'm gone. It seems to invalidate the worth of our relationship now if I'm waiting with bated breath for him to slip up and lose it.

Terminally Unique

Well, if you haven't even mentioned it to him, he may have concluded that it is perfectly OK with you by default.

Sad12

But it doesn't matter if he thinks it's ok with me or not. Not if there's nothing I can do to help him.

Terminally Unique

I never said that there is nothing you can do to help him - other people did. For what it's worth, I was absolutely convinced that I was not dependent on alcohol for a very long time. The old "I can quit anytime I want to" delusion. That is, until I actually had to quit.

I can't say whether or not your BF is dependent on alcohol, although I would venture to guess that he is. However, I would also guess that in his mind, he probably does not even realize that there is anything wrong, at least not with the drinking. He may actually be willing to try and cut back if you mention it to him, and if he can't, it will at least open his eyes.

searchbug

sad...my recent experience...
things started with abf...I knew he drank 'some'... a few weeks, it starts getting clear it is a regular thing..I started thinking about "hmm...is this an issue"
the friendly remarks (no pushing) kinda come out... he admits it is a bit much and he "plans" to cut back
a week or so, and the cutting back is only for a few days..
the defensive starts
and it comes down to...if the TALKING exposes it for what it is, then it is a necessary next step.
When I started seeing it slowly leaning into an issue, is what answered the question for me. Hope that makes sense for you.
And of course..eventually it got down to.. "you are just trying to control me, and I'm not changing for anyone" garbage

LaTeeDa

I think the point here is that there is nothing you can do to help him--if he doesn't want to be "helped." If there is a true desire to better himself, then there is much you can do in the context of a relationship to help. Where most of us (me) get into trouble is when we decide for someone what they should be doing, and then go about "helping" them to do it. All without their request or even consent.

A social worker once told me "never put more effort into helping someone than they are willing to put into helping themselves." Wise words.

L

LaTeeDa

Well, in theory, this may be true, but in reality it's very controlling. I speak from experience. Multiple times, I did the ultimatum thing with my husband. And multiple times he quit drinking for a period of time. Once was as long as four months. Those times were actually worse than the times when he was actively drinking. Why? Because he hated me for "forcing" him to give up the booze. He became outright mean and vengeful, to the point where I questioned myself and wondered if it wouldn't be better if he just drank! This is why I question the effectiveness of ultimatums. Maybe your experience is different.

L

wonderish

I completely relate to this, basically 100%, Its the same for my boyfriend. Im so sorry your going through this as well! *Hugs*