DisplacedGRITS

I made it through my "vacation" back to Alabama with no alcohol. My GP was kind enough to prescribe me just enough lorazepram to keep me from getting the shakes and freaking out. That 'script is gone now and I know going back to rehab is the next step. I want to work my last day of work on Friday and finish up household crap before checking myself in. Am I being selfish? I don't know. When I went back Home I spent most of my time at my in-law's beach house and that was just peachy. I finally spent time with my nuclear family on the last day. I visited dear friends, spent some time with my dying PawPaw and went to my home (which we still own) and just broke down. Some jerk kids in the neighborhood vandalized it. There was glass all over the back porch, two windows busted in and the window in the back door broken. The back yard is a jungle and in the front,the gardenias I so lovingly planted are overgrown. I lived there. I love it. How could someone disrespect it to much? So much of my life and memories reside there. It hurts. Just another feeling that something I hold dear is worthless.

We slept at my parent's house our final night there. I slept on the couch (most comfortable on my bruised ribs and I love falling asleep to to TV). When my husband woke me in the morning I actually couldn't remember why I needed to leave. DisplacedGRITS isn't just a name. It's really how I feel in my heart of hearts. I think the place I live in now is swell but when I went Home, I really felt at Home...down South I was a friend, a worker, a business owner and a daughter. Up here i'm just an addict.

So back to treatment I go. In the past, I could drive 10 minutes to be with true friends. Now I have to drive an hour to be with people who "understand me" but have no clue who I am. Yay.

amy55

Welcome back DisplacedGrits. Sorry to hear that your house was vandalized. The house that you lived in is not worthless, it just needs some TLC, just like you, just like me.

artsoul

"Hey" DG -

I'm so glad you got through the trip and got to see everyone. I've been in the south (well, more like the deep south) for 25 years and I really do love it. But being from the north, I can tell you the north is just as wonderful once you get to know it. I also think it's about the set of eyes we use to look at things, and right now it's probably hard to see much of the positive.

I don't think it's selfish to want things to be in order before treatment. Just remember that you're a lot more important than a clean house, or whatever. They say a little selfishness is actually good when it comes to our sobriety. I wish you all the best in treatment. You can it!

Pandie

So sorry to hear about the house DisplacedGRITS. Praying for you. Proud of you for going back to recovery!! You can do it!

~Pandie~

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks for the well wishes everyone. I think i'll be heading to treatment on Saturday. My ribs are still quite bruised and I really want to work one last day and talk to my boss. I don't know why i'm so scared silly about this. The cost is going to be awful but I know the investment in my health and wellbeing is priceless.

I'm afraid that in my effort to quit drinking i've picked up bad habits. I started smoking and for the first time in nearly 15 years I started cutting again. I don't really know why. I think it's an outlet for my frustrations. I hope through my treatment I will learn better ways to deal with frustration. Cutting disturbs me. I don't feel that I do it as attention seeking. I cover it up and don't draw attention to it. I only mention it here because I know I need to let it all out without harming my close family.

DisplacedGRITS

I know where my stash is and i'm pouring out everything but what I need to make it through tomorrow. If I told my husband, it would put even more pressure on him to take care of me.

I wanna be well but i'm afraid that I've forgotten who I am. I feel like a bundle of nerves, guilt, desperation and loss. Who am I? I know what I want to be but I freelancer like i'm pushing against a brick wall. Pushing through this is so hard. Sorry for unloading here but I can't unload on my parents or husband. Until I go to treatment, this is my only outlet. I feel like such a tool.

DisplacedGRITS

Got onto a row with my husband when he got home. I am so depressed and sick of this. There isn't a single part of me that isn't crying. I am a worthless use of atoms that should be liberated.

Dee74

You're not worthless - you're just addicted - there's 80, 000 of us here who understand you and how you're feeling

I hope going to treatment will be the time out and fresh start you need dG.

I'm sorry for your house but bricks'n'mortar (and glass) can always be fixed

D