High Functioning Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 51
High Functioning Alcoholic
Hello all. This is my first post and hopefully I'm doing this right! Anyway, I want to lay a few things out there.
I have been battling the bottle for about 20 years. I consider myself to be a rather high functioning alcoholic. About 5 or 6 years ago, I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic. I typically drink only in the evenings when the wife and kids are in bed. I have been married (amazingly) for 24 years. We have 3 kids and live a typical suburban life. I believe in God and we are churchgoers. I have been gainfully employed all of my adult life. No run-ins with the law etc (luckily).
I admit I am an alcoholic and I have trouble putting the bottle away for good, one day at a time. I drank a half liter of vodka last night and I really can't say it was a relapse. I did have 9 days sober though. After swearing off drinking a few years ago, my wife has "caught" me more than once. The last time was about 3 years ago. That was a very ugly scene (no violence). She wanted me out of the house then. Through what I can only say is the grace of God, I stayed and we are now mostly back to a typical couple with normal ups and downs. I guess what I really want to lay out there is...I continue to be a closet drinker on any given night. Typically a half a bottle. My wife may have one or two glasses of wine in the evening. This is only one or two nights a week though. She is not an alcoholic. She thinks that I am ok. I am not in a position to ask her to stop drinking her wine on her one or two nights a week. My drinking has made her a very hard person in some aspects. It would throw up red flags for her. If I drink on a night when she doesn't, I will make up an excuse and sleep in the guestroom so I don't breath booze breath on her at night. Just nuts with my family on the line! Our marriage does NOT have another incident of me being caught drinking again.
I do attend AA and have been doing so for a number of years. I have admitted my relapses in the meetings. I have been sober for over a year-twice. This time though, I am really battling to make it through some of the evenings. I know my triggers and try and avoid them. I need to go to bed when my wife does every night.
Not sure what I am looking for but I have been reading-can't say lurking- (too weird:-)) and I find a lot of good comments on here. Anyway, back to day one. I am pouring the other half of the bottle down the drown.
thanks for listening!
I have been battling the bottle for about 20 years. I consider myself to be a rather high functioning alcoholic. About 5 or 6 years ago, I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic. I typically drink only in the evenings when the wife and kids are in bed. I have been married (amazingly) for 24 years. We have 3 kids and live a typical suburban life. I believe in God and we are churchgoers. I have been gainfully employed all of my adult life. No run-ins with the law etc (luckily).
I admit I am an alcoholic and I have trouble putting the bottle away for good, one day at a time. I drank a half liter of vodka last night and I really can't say it was a relapse. I did have 9 days sober though. After swearing off drinking a few years ago, my wife has "caught" me more than once. The last time was about 3 years ago. That was a very ugly scene (no violence). She wanted me out of the house then. Through what I can only say is the grace of God, I stayed and we are now mostly back to a typical couple with normal ups and downs. I guess what I really want to lay out there is...I continue to be a closet drinker on any given night. Typically a half a bottle. My wife may have one or two glasses of wine in the evening. This is only one or two nights a week though. She is not an alcoholic. She thinks that I am ok. I am not in a position to ask her to stop drinking her wine on her one or two nights a week. My drinking has made her a very hard person in some aspects. It would throw up red flags for her. If I drink on a night when she doesn't, I will make up an excuse and sleep in the guestroom so I don't breath booze breath on her at night. Just nuts with my family on the line! Our marriage does NOT have another incident of me being caught drinking again.
I do attend AA and have been doing so for a number of years. I have admitted my relapses in the meetings. I have been sober for over a year-twice. This time though, I am really battling to make it through some of the evenings. I know my triggers and try and avoid them. I need to go to bed when my wife does every night.
Not sure what I am looking for but I have been reading-can't say lurking- (too weird:-)) and I find a lot of good comments on here. Anyway, back to day one. I am pouring the other half of the bottle down the drown.
thanks for listening!
Who Farted?
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 67
Hi GoMan,
Welcome to the site. Thanks for your post, it really reminds me of how hard drinking was, the lying, hiding, rationalizing. I came to AA as my last resort, when I fully admitted and accepted that I was powerless over alcohol. Truly, my life was unmanageable. However, I did not work the steps right away, and I relapsed several times. The fellowship was not enough. Now, I have worked through 1-9 to the best of my ability, and try to live in 10-12 as best as I can. I can now say honestly, that I am recovered, based on continued conscious contact with God, and the faith in a daily reprieve.
Vaya con dios,
Traid.
Welcome to the site. Thanks for your post, it really reminds me of how hard drinking was, the lying, hiding, rationalizing. I came to AA as my last resort, when I fully admitted and accepted that I was powerless over alcohol. Truly, my life was unmanageable. However, I did not work the steps right away, and I relapsed several times. The fellowship was not enough. Now, I have worked through 1-9 to the best of my ability, and try to live in 10-12 as best as I can. I can now say honestly, that I am recovered, based on continued conscious contact with God, and the faith in a daily reprieve.
Vaya con dios,
Traid.
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
I used to think I was high functioning.
Once I got serious about recovery I realized I had just been under the grace of God during that period of my life. Had circumstances been different I likely would have resisted recovery thanks to my most excellent personality defects that mainly involve resenting the imposition of authority.
Once I got serious about recovery I realized I had just been under the grace of God during that period of my life. Had circumstances been different I likely would have resisted recovery thanks to my most excellent personality defects that mainly involve resenting the imposition of authority.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi GoMan, as the wife of a high functioning, secret alcoholic very similar to you, I just want to give you my support. I think it's wonderful that you have taken the step to post here, where you will get a lot of support from others who have walked the path of sobriety and recovery. Good on you for wanting better for your life!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
So what have you done in AA besides take up a seat at meetings?
I had to be proactive in my recovery, and that meant working those steps with the guidance of a sponsor.
I wanted sobriety more than I wanted to drink, and I still feel that way 21 years later.
I've been through more heartache and crisis sober than I ever went through drinking and I have not found it necessary to drink over any of it.
Sounds to me like step 1 is a good place for you to start.
There is a lot of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA in my own personal experience.
I had to be proactive in my recovery, and that meant working those steps with the guidance of a sponsor.
I wanted sobriety more than I wanted to drink, and I still feel that way 21 years later.
I've been through more heartache and crisis sober than I ever went through drinking and I have not found it necessary to drink over any of it.
Sounds to me like step 1 is a good place for you to start.
There is a lot of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA in my own personal experience.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by GoMan 
Just nuts with my family on the line! Our marriage does NOT have another incident of me being caught drinking again.
I see you found your way to the newcomer's page. You have found a wonderful resource for support and information. Please continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I understand what it feels like to continue with addiction even at the risk of losing it all.
I had to want sobriety more than everything else in my life. That's what it took for me.
I hope you are able to find lasting recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi GoMan. I am the former spouse of a supposedly high functioning alcoholic who would also mostly drink in the evenings. My ex-husband has not admitted to having a problem despite the fact that when we were together, he drank 2 liters of beer every weeknight and more during the week-end. After I left him, things got hairy and he totally took a nose dise in a bottle. Through SR, I learned that "high functioning" is just a stage in alcoholism and that eventually the disease progresses.
I'm glad to see you come to SR and seek out help in finding recovery.
I'm glad to see you come to SR and seek out help in finding recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
There is a lot of untreated alcoholism in the rooms of AA in my own personal experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 51
I want to say thanks for the comments my original post from earlier today...even though it was on the wrong site!:-)
I will be sober tonight and will handle tomorrow when it gets here. Typically, I would be ready for the wife and kids to go to bed so I could pull out my hidden vodka and...
Your comments serve as a reminder that I do indeed want my family over the booze. I have violated the trust of my wife over the years and after my last "bust", our marriage was over. What a fool I have been...an alcoholic fool. My marriage is getting better and I have been reminded that I better not take anything for granted. I need a better, updated plan for maintaining sobriety.
I will be sober tonight and will handle tomorrow when it gets here. Typically, I would be ready for the wife and kids to go to bed so I could pull out my hidden vodka and...
Your comments serve as a reminder that I do indeed want my family over the booze. I have violated the trust of my wife over the years and after my last "bust", our marriage was over. What a fool I have been...an alcoholic fool. My marriage is getting better and I have been reminded that I better not take anything for granted. I need a better, updated plan for maintaining sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by choublak
I don't know why they even do court mandated AA meetings, if the people don't even want to be there in the first place. That's the untreated alcoholism you speak of.
There are also those too not court-mandated who do nothing else but attend meetings, taking up a chair so to speak of. I've seen people do that for years. They've never worked the steps, gotten a sponsor, or cracked open the Big Book.
Sobriety doesn't rub off; it's lots of hard work and dedication.
Quality of sobriety does count in my books.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Hope you do the hard work and dedication
It would suck knowing another fine family is lost to a stinking bottle....
Thanks for your honesty!
Find something productive to do with yourself & your wife
Sounds like you have too much time in the evenings that let you stray
Learn to vacuum or clean house. That always makes a wife happy!! lol
It would suck knowing another fine family is lost to a stinking bottle....
Thanks for your honesty!
Find something productive to do with yourself & your wife
Sounds like you have too much time in the evenings that let you stray
Learn to vacuum or clean house. That always makes a wife happy!! lol
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by BobbyJ
Learn to vacuum or clean house. That always makes a wife happy!! lol
My mother drilled into us all through high school that we weren't allowed to date. Then one day she's trying to convince my younger sister to go out with a "young man" my mother had just had a conversation with.
Her reasoning? "Seeing him vacuum the church like that just made my heart go all a-flutter. I just had to go talk to him. He's a really great guy!"
My father vacuumed the living room shortly after we got home, for the first time I could remember.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
There are also those too not court-mandated who do nothing else but attend meetings, taking up a chair so to speak of. I've seen people do that for years. They've never worked the steps, gotten a sponsor, or cracked open the Big Book.
As the saying goes... it works, if you work it... so work it, you're worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH, USA
Posts: 24
You're not alone, at all...
GoMan, your post could have been written by my AH six months ago.
My husband's drinking, quitting drinking, sneaking drinking and all of that has been an issue in our marriage - and pretty much the only issue. Like your wife, I used to think that if he was "moderating" or appeared to only be having one or two drinks, he was fine and the drinking was "under control." I have since learned that all of those times that he came to bed late, slept on the couch so he wouldn't wake me with his "snoring" etc. were times he was drinking and hiding it from me.
I bet that your wife knows something is wrong. My husband and I had an exceptionally close relationship. I was and remain head over heels in love with him. But I felt a distance between us in the last couple of years, and it was extremely painful for me to not understand what was causing it. The fact was, he was walking through the world buzzed or drunk, and I didn't have the husband I thought I did. I was sober and unknowingly dealing with someone impaired. We'd talk about things and he'd seem "off" to me. Some days he didn't remember whole conversations. Throughout this time, he was getting up and doing his job and nobody had a clue what was really going on. He was more functional that a lot of people who aren't drinking every night.
He was never physically abusive, but when he was drinking (or just craving a drink and white-knuckling), he would make comments or seem nasty to me, and my feelings would easily get hurt. As a result, I ended up being hyper-sensitive to his every mood and whim. This was not a healthy situation.
Every once in a while he'd tell me he was going to quit, and he'd go to a couple of AA meetings a week. We stopped keeping alcohol in the house (or so I thought).
A few months ago, in the midst of a supposedly sober period, I found his stash of booze outside. It happened to be a very hot day, and his beverages of choice were frosty-cold and hidden under our porch. I called him out on it and he had the nerve to tell me they had been there for months and months and they were cold because it was shady (note that he didn't seem to think it was odd to put hard lemonade under the porch rather than in the fridge!). I was incensed that he thought I was a complete idiot, but part of me was relieved to finally understand that he had been lying to me. A lot of things started to make sense.
I was so hurt and angry that I began shutting him out. I felt that everything he said was a lie or a manipulation.
After a tearful confrontation and my threats to leave if he kept up the lying, he finally figured out that he needed help. He went to an assistance program for people in his profession (which happens to be the same as mine - top notch for enabling potential). They helped him talk to his employer and put him on a program of going to AA meetings and getting counseling. I felt optimistic and happy he was getting support.
He was also supposed to take random drug tests. He believed that these would only capture illegal and prescription drugs, and not alcohol use, and so...you guessed it...he drank and got caught by the random test (which actually can detect alcohol use for 80 hours after you metabolize your last drink, which I did not know).
He was suddenly presented with the choice of confessing to his employer and losing his job, or going to rehab far away from home for over a month. He has been gone almost two weeks. We chose the rehab option in part because we both lacked faith that he could do it on his own. He basically risked our livelihood to have a couple of cocktails. His judgment was obviously not in good form. I was too angry to try to convince him to stay, but now I'm glad I supported the rehab decision. It is very hard on me, as you might imagine, but I'm happy he is getting help.
The point of all of this is to tell you that if you can't quit on your own, you need to get help. Go to meetings, talk to your employee assistance program, whatever it takes. Don't assume your wife doesn't know or sense it. You said she's become "hard" -- maybe she is just worn out from knowing you are deceiving and manipulating her so you can get to a bottle and not being able to get hard proof. I used to ask my husband if he had been drinking, and of course he would deny it and then accuse me of not trusting him and we'd have a fight --- and little did I know I was fighting with someone drunk. Like her, I would have a couple of glasses of wine once in a while, but I wasn't a big drinker and I'm definitely not an alcoholic. While it is great that she's not an alcoholic, it can make it really hard to understand the problem. She'll need education and time. Al-Anon, this website, and a lot of reading have helped me, and I still haven't gotten past Step One. There's a teensy part of me that still believes that if he loved me enough, he'd be able to quit on his own. This is wrong, and I know it, but I don't quite BELIEVE it yet.
Here's what I wish my husband had done: sit me down some afternoon and tell me, when he was sober, that he loves me, that he has a problem, and that he needs help. Confessed that he had been sneaking alcohol and it scared him. What is the worst that can happen? If your wife leaves because you need help, she'll have been likely to leave when she inevitably discovers you've been cheating on her with vodka every night, and she's been having conversations and probably sex with someone who wasn't fully present.
Make a plan to go to meetings, or even rehab if you can afford it or it is covered by insurance.
My husband and I hid this problem for a long time. I didn't want to see it, so I didn't. He was afraid I'd be mad, and also that if I knew about the drinking, I'd get between him and the booze. We were both afraid for our reputations and what would happen with work. All of that turned out to be wrong. I wish he had come to me and we'd addressed it sooner.
Best wishes to you and your wife. I'm still at the beginning of the journey with my H, but I finally feel like we've got the tools to take this on and win. I feel our connection coming back even though he's 1000 miles away.
Hang in there,
Kitty
My husband's drinking, quitting drinking, sneaking drinking and all of that has been an issue in our marriage - and pretty much the only issue. Like your wife, I used to think that if he was "moderating" or appeared to only be having one or two drinks, he was fine and the drinking was "under control." I have since learned that all of those times that he came to bed late, slept on the couch so he wouldn't wake me with his "snoring" etc. were times he was drinking and hiding it from me.
I bet that your wife knows something is wrong. My husband and I had an exceptionally close relationship. I was and remain head over heels in love with him. But I felt a distance between us in the last couple of years, and it was extremely painful for me to not understand what was causing it. The fact was, he was walking through the world buzzed or drunk, and I didn't have the husband I thought I did. I was sober and unknowingly dealing with someone impaired. We'd talk about things and he'd seem "off" to me. Some days he didn't remember whole conversations. Throughout this time, he was getting up and doing his job and nobody had a clue what was really going on. He was more functional that a lot of people who aren't drinking every night.
He was never physically abusive, but when he was drinking (or just craving a drink and white-knuckling), he would make comments or seem nasty to me, and my feelings would easily get hurt. As a result, I ended up being hyper-sensitive to his every mood and whim. This was not a healthy situation.
Every once in a while he'd tell me he was going to quit, and he'd go to a couple of AA meetings a week. We stopped keeping alcohol in the house (or so I thought).
A few months ago, in the midst of a supposedly sober period, I found his stash of booze outside. It happened to be a very hot day, and his beverages of choice were frosty-cold and hidden under our porch. I called him out on it and he had the nerve to tell me they had been there for months and months and they were cold because it was shady (note that he didn't seem to think it was odd to put hard lemonade under the porch rather than in the fridge!). I was incensed that he thought I was a complete idiot, but part of me was relieved to finally understand that he had been lying to me. A lot of things started to make sense.
I was so hurt and angry that I began shutting him out. I felt that everything he said was a lie or a manipulation.
After a tearful confrontation and my threats to leave if he kept up the lying, he finally figured out that he needed help. He went to an assistance program for people in his profession (which happens to be the same as mine - top notch for enabling potential). They helped him talk to his employer and put him on a program of going to AA meetings and getting counseling. I felt optimistic and happy he was getting support.
He was also supposed to take random drug tests. He believed that these would only capture illegal and prescription drugs, and not alcohol use, and so...you guessed it...he drank and got caught by the random test (which actually can detect alcohol use for 80 hours after you metabolize your last drink, which I did not know).
He was suddenly presented with the choice of confessing to his employer and losing his job, or going to rehab far away from home for over a month. He has been gone almost two weeks. We chose the rehab option in part because we both lacked faith that he could do it on his own. He basically risked our livelihood to have a couple of cocktails. His judgment was obviously not in good form. I was too angry to try to convince him to stay, but now I'm glad I supported the rehab decision. It is very hard on me, as you might imagine, but I'm happy he is getting help.
The point of all of this is to tell you that if you can't quit on your own, you need to get help. Go to meetings, talk to your employee assistance program, whatever it takes. Don't assume your wife doesn't know or sense it. You said she's become "hard" -- maybe she is just worn out from knowing you are deceiving and manipulating her so you can get to a bottle and not being able to get hard proof. I used to ask my husband if he had been drinking, and of course he would deny it and then accuse me of not trusting him and we'd have a fight --- and little did I know I was fighting with someone drunk. Like her, I would have a couple of glasses of wine once in a while, but I wasn't a big drinker and I'm definitely not an alcoholic. While it is great that she's not an alcoholic, it can make it really hard to understand the problem. She'll need education and time. Al-Anon, this website, and a lot of reading have helped me, and I still haven't gotten past Step One. There's a teensy part of me that still believes that if he loved me enough, he'd be able to quit on his own. This is wrong, and I know it, but I don't quite BELIEVE it yet.
Here's what I wish my husband had done: sit me down some afternoon and tell me, when he was sober, that he loves me, that he has a problem, and that he needs help. Confessed that he had been sneaking alcohol and it scared him. What is the worst that can happen? If your wife leaves because you need help, she'll have been likely to leave when she inevitably discovers you've been cheating on her with vodka every night, and she's been having conversations and probably sex with someone who wasn't fully present.
Make a plan to go to meetings, or even rehab if you can afford it or it is covered by insurance.
My husband and I hid this problem for a long time. I didn't want to see it, so I didn't. He was afraid I'd be mad, and also that if I knew about the drinking, I'd get between him and the booze. We were both afraid for our reputations and what would happen with work. All of that turned out to be wrong. I wish he had come to me and we'd addressed it sooner.
Best wishes to you and your wife. I'm still at the beginning of the journey with my H, but I finally feel like we've got the tools to take this on and win. I feel our connection coming back even though he's 1000 miles away.
Hang in there,
Kitty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 51
Thank you for your heartfelt post Kitty. It does appear that our stories are painfully similar. You are quite possibly right that my wife has an idea about my sneaky drinking and I haven't gotten caught...yet. I just don't know and I really don't want to find out. I am trying to quit, just not sure how that all plays out yet other than the old one day at a time thing...
I do know that alcoholics can quit and stay quit. The drinking is not worth it. I know that after my last "bust" my wife was done with our marriage and I know there isn't another "bust" left in the marriage.
Thank you again and may your husband and I do everyone proud! I love my precious family and my wife of 24 years...
Another sober night coming up...
I do know that alcoholics can quit and stay quit. The drinking is not worth it. I know that after my last "bust" my wife was done with our marriage and I know there isn't another "bust" left in the marriage.
Thank you again and may your husband and I do everyone proud! I love my precious family and my wife of 24 years...
Another sober night coming up...
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH, USA
Posts: 24
Good luck, GoMan. You need to follow you're own path, but as a wife who has been there, I encourage you to find a good moment and have an honest talk with her. She probably will be upset -- I was -- but I was also relieved to finally understand. Now I support my husband completely and have renewed hope for us. His honesty is a key to my ability to embrace our marriage again.
Kitty
Kitty
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