Newbie-- BFF blowing rehab & I'm done
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 1
Newbie-- BFF blowing rehab & I'm done
Dear New Friends,
Please help!
***Warning -- Very long post! ****
My dearest friend, an active alcoholic for decades, went into rehab about 10 days ago. (last time in rehab = 5 years ago) She was so grateful to get in (got a funded grant, admission, transportation, etc.), promised the woman at the Health Department, me, God, and herself that she wouldn't waste this opportunity. Said so many things I've wanted to hear I allowed myself to be guardedly optimistic. Naturally, I then let myself get too hopeful and excited.
Now she's hedging, keeping secrets from the staff & peers at rehab about her abusive, alcoholic, drug-addicted BF she's lived with for 12 years. IMHO he shouldn't even be on the list to visit her! She admitted that the last time in rehab she wasn't honest about BF, but vowed that this time she would be. Now she is pressuring me to keep her secrets from her counselor. She doesn't want anybody there to know what a dangerous person he is for her or how addicted she is to him. 10 days ago might as well be 10 months ago for all she now remembers of what she was saying then.
Two days before she went in she almost died right in front of me in my car (no, I'm not being dramatic -- it's true). I called 911 etc etc etc. She said she "knew" she had to quit drinking and get sober, that it was a life-or-death situation, that she had hit her bottom, yadda yadda yadda. Well, apparently she hasn't hit her bottom, but I have. I asked for a family meeting with her counselor (I'm the only "family" she has, the only person who supports her getting sober) to tell her that this is the end for me; I'm really done. I love her more than almost anyone in the world -- we're closer than sisters -- and she knows that.
There's nothing I won't do to help her get better....nothing. But there's nothing I will do to help this go on one more minute. Whether she gets well or not, I'm going to. I wanted to tell her with a 3rd party present that this is it -- I respect her and honor her right to make decisions that I don't agree with, but I also finally respect myself enough to stop the insanity of expending my resources (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, etc) on her alcoholic emergencies. I wanted to tell her with a counselor present who could give her support and offer reality checks when she distorts whatever I say 5 minutes after I've left. I admire so much about her. But as her alcoholism has become more pronounced, I've become more ill. I have to get sober from her, in a way, just as she has to get sober from alcohol.
Of course, she balked at having a family meeting with me with her counselor. She doesn't know that I planned to draw the line once and for all; didn't know what I was going to say. She said she'd do it only if the topic was limited to her and me -- no mention of BF. She wants me to keep his abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) and his alcoholism and drug addiction a secret.
Because of my own past abuse history and the recovery I've been grateful to achieve after a lifetime of work, the worst thing I can do for my own sanity is keep secrets. Secrets are toxic to me. Most of all, secrets about abuse and addiction. Driving home after this visit I was almost physically ill at the idea that she would ask me to do this. I felt like I would vomit, sincerely.
I helped her move heaven and earth to get into this program, and now she's going to blow it. I will have absolutely no contact with her if (if? Get real!) she starts drinking again. I have little hope that she's actually heading into recovery. The last time she got out of rehab, her BF picked her up and when they got home, he sat her down and poured 2 shots of Jim Beam to celebrate her homecoming! I mean within 1 minute of getting home from a 30-day rehab! There's no way she can go back to him and stay sober.
I know I have no control over either of them or anyone else, only myself. I just can't figure out what's the right thing to do. Should i send her a letter telling her what our future relationship will be in terms of what I need to do? Or is that too harsh? Should I send a copy to her counselor so they can discuss my "ultimatum" -- (a word I hate because it doesn't really fit)? Should I tell her secrets so that the staff will at least know the facts as they plan her aftercare? Or would that be an ultimate betrayal? I don't care if I lose her friendship and she never forgives me. I just want to do the right thing. OK, I'll stop. Please offer some guidance -- I know no one can give me the answers, but I sure could use some understanding and wisdom right now. Thanks so much for "listening" to my rant. --AmazAunt
Please help!
***Warning -- Very long post! ****
My dearest friend, an active alcoholic for decades, went into rehab about 10 days ago. (last time in rehab = 5 years ago) She was so grateful to get in (got a funded grant, admission, transportation, etc.), promised the woman at the Health Department, me, God, and herself that she wouldn't waste this opportunity. Said so many things I've wanted to hear I allowed myself to be guardedly optimistic. Naturally, I then let myself get too hopeful and excited.
Now she's hedging, keeping secrets from the staff & peers at rehab about her abusive, alcoholic, drug-addicted BF she's lived with for 12 years. IMHO he shouldn't even be on the list to visit her! She admitted that the last time in rehab she wasn't honest about BF, but vowed that this time she would be. Now she is pressuring me to keep her secrets from her counselor. She doesn't want anybody there to know what a dangerous person he is for her or how addicted she is to him. 10 days ago might as well be 10 months ago for all she now remembers of what she was saying then.
Two days before she went in she almost died right in front of me in my car (no, I'm not being dramatic -- it's true). I called 911 etc etc etc. She said she "knew" she had to quit drinking and get sober, that it was a life-or-death situation, that she had hit her bottom, yadda yadda yadda. Well, apparently she hasn't hit her bottom, but I have. I asked for a family meeting with her counselor (I'm the only "family" she has, the only person who supports her getting sober) to tell her that this is the end for me; I'm really done. I love her more than almost anyone in the world -- we're closer than sisters -- and she knows that.
There's nothing I won't do to help her get better....nothing. But there's nothing I will do to help this go on one more minute. Whether she gets well or not, I'm going to. I wanted to tell her with a 3rd party present that this is it -- I respect her and honor her right to make decisions that I don't agree with, but I also finally respect myself enough to stop the insanity of expending my resources (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, etc) on her alcoholic emergencies. I wanted to tell her with a counselor present who could give her support and offer reality checks when she distorts whatever I say 5 minutes after I've left. I admire so much about her. But as her alcoholism has become more pronounced, I've become more ill. I have to get sober from her, in a way, just as she has to get sober from alcohol.
Of course, she balked at having a family meeting with me with her counselor. She doesn't know that I planned to draw the line once and for all; didn't know what I was going to say. She said she'd do it only if the topic was limited to her and me -- no mention of BF. She wants me to keep his abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) and his alcoholism and drug addiction a secret.
Because of my own past abuse history and the recovery I've been grateful to achieve after a lifetime of work, the worst thing I can do for my own sanity is keep secrets. Secrets are toxic to me. Most of all, secrets about abuse and addiction. Driving home after this visit I was almost physically ill at the idea that she would ask me to do this. I felt like I would vomit, sincerely.
I helped her move heaven and earth to get into this program, and now she's going to blow it. I will have absolutely no contact with her if (if? Get real!) she starts drinking again. I have little hope that she's actually heading into recovery. The last time she got out of rehab, her BF picked her up and when they got home, he sat her down and poured 2 shots of Jim Beam to celebrate her homecoming! I mean within 1 minute of getting home from a 30-day rehab! There's no way she can go back to him and stay sober.
I know I have no control over either of them or anyone else, only myself. I just can't figure out what's the right thing to do. Should i send her a letter telling her what our future relationship will be in terms of what I need to do? Or is that too harsh? Should I send a copy to her counselor so they can discuss my "ultimatum" -- (a word I hate because it doesn't really fit)? Should I tell her secrets so that the staff will at least know the facts as they plan her aftercare? Or would that be an ultimate betrayal? I don't care if I lose her friendship and she never forgives me. I just want to do the right thing. OK, I'll stop. Please offer some guidance -- I know no one can give me the answers, but I sure could use some understanding and wisdom right now. Thanks so much for "listening" to my rant. --AmazAunt
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had something profound to say. Something you haven't heard a million times like " she needs to do it for herself " or " you can't fix her." There really is no simple answer besides something like that. I have spent my lifetime doing what you are so amazingly doing for your friend for my own mother and to no avail. The best thing I ever did was cut off contact ( keep in mind its only been 8 or so months ) but its allowed me to refocus on myself and the beautiful world around me. Things I was missing by drowning in another persons misery. I realized that my mom was making the same choices with or without me so the best I could do was do me.
That's easier said than done of course. If I could fix my mom or wave a wand I would. It's just not the reality. My heart goes out to you : /
That's easier said than done of course. If I could fix my mom or wave a wand I would. It's just not the reality. My heart goes out to you : /
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Ultimatums don't work; they are a form of controlling.
Boundaries work because they are "I" statements...for example I won't live with active addiction.
Personally I don't take a front row seat to anyone's addictions, including my own oldest daughter.
We are as sick as the secrets we keep, and with her still withholding information on the BF, she's not willing to do whatever it takes to achieve any recovery whatsoever as far as I can see.
Only you can decide what you want your future relationship with her will look like. Base that decision on exactly how she is now, not what "might" be.
I would have no contact with my oldest daughter if it weren't for my grandkids and I want them in my life.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?
Boundaries work because they are "I" statements...for example I won't live with active addiction.
Personally I don't take a front row seat to anyone's addictions, including my own oldest daughter.
We are as sick as the secrets we keep, and with her still withholding information on the BF, she's not willing to do whatever it takes to achieve any recovery whatsoever as far as I can see.
Only you can decide what you want your future relationship with her will look like. Base that decision on exactly how she is now, not what "might" be.
I would have no contact with my oldest daughter if it weren't for my grandkids and I want them in my life.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?
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