Tyler312

In my previous thread regarding my moving out (at least temporarily) from my AW, I said "I guess the important thing is to not give in and be manipulated".

Well AW is turning out to be the queen of manipulation. I've been getting *a lot* of things thrown at me intending to make me come home. Luckily none have worked.

But the thing that concerns me more is that she just doesn't get why I am staying away. She just sees it as me punishing her and being unsupportive at a time "when she needs me most"

I know I can't make her or force her to understand... I can't make her make a change. But she seems completely unable to understand the problem. She just thinks if she begs hard enough, I'll come home.

Is it controlling or otherwise unacceptable for me to want her to go to NA or some other type of drug addiction therapy as a condition of my return? She just started seeing a therapist/psychiatrist (not sure which), but based on how she is acting, I doubt she is being 100% truthful with her.

She would not respond well to me saying "go to NA"... but I don't know what else to do.

suki44883

As you know, you cannot control her. If you need time away from her for your own well-being, just tell her that. You don't have to answer her calls or texts or however she is harrassing you. You hold the cards here.

laurie6781

You can tell her:

"I know you are in denial, but ..................... this is YOUR PROBLEM and until you FIX your problem, it is UNHEALTHY for me to be with you."

That puts it all back on her, right where it belongs.

Then I would suggest you get yourself to Alanon or into counseling also.

This will likely be a very long road.

Oh and Suki is correct, you DO NOT have to answer her calls, texts, and/or emails.

J M H O based on my over 30 years of continuous recovery from alcohol and drugs and over 27 years of working on my own co dependent issues.

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

Ok. So you moved out. Did you do so because you decided you did not want to live with the chaos of someone in active addiction ( a boundary) or did you do so expecting she would see the light and seek recovery ( an attempt to control her) ?

dollydo

How about considering no contact? You can talk, beg, bargain, pleed and none of those manuvers are going to make a d@mn bit of difference. She is not right in the upstairs, she is mentally off center.

Work on you, take this time to learn how to recover from codependency, how to become whole and at peace.

There is nothing you can do for her, her recovery is totally up to her.

LifeRecovery

I do better when I set a boundary that is for me, and I have to let go of the outcome.

You have a choice over your role in the relationship with her, and can set boundaries around that, but you don't have a choice or say in her relationship choices with either you or her addiction.

When I tried to make my love one work recovery I think it caused us both to step backwards. However it is my choice to block his phone number, email, facebook etc right now for me to heal.

Tyler312

I think it was a little bit of both. The latter part (expecting she would see the light) is probably the codependent in me.

The good news is I ordered "Codependent No More"

Anyway... the other thing I saw in the replies was that this will be a long road. I keep hoping for an easy fix. Ironically, that is also more or less her problem.

And yeah... I've been to several Nar-Anon meetings... still going.

outtolunch

The more I focused on my daughter and her addiction, the more lost I became. Accepting that I had no power over my daughter and her choices and that she may never recover was my turning point. It came down to my decision to save myself or go down with her ship.