seekinganswrs

I am 35 and have been married almost 14 years. We have two children ages 13 and 11 (sons). Since we met my husband has been an addict. When we met we both smoked pot daily and would use cocaine from time to time (3-4 times a year). I quit everything in 2002. He moved from pot to a cocaine addiction that was pretty bad, which caused us to separate in 2004 for about 3 months. We got back together and had a few relapses on cocaine, but started drinking daily. We went through that for a few years until he wrecked his truck in a drunk driving accident that didn't involve anyone else and he walked away from miraculously unharmed. I went and picked him up from the accident, so he didn't get a ticket or anything else. Once he quit drinking, he had nothing for about 3 months and then he hurt his back, he has 2 bulging discs in his lower back. At his first doctor appt in 2006 the dr gave him 120 Valium and 120 hydrocodone pills. At first he didn't use them daily, then he used them daily, then he took more than he should. He always was prescribed MS Contin for a period of about 6 months, but he quit those because he said they gave him horrible nightmares. The whole time he was on the MS COntin, I didn't know he had been prescribed that and when I found out and knew he was abusing his other pills, I called his doctor and reported it. The doctor wouldn't see him, so he found another that I went with him to and got hydrocodone again. Again he started out as prescribed, but still daily and then increased to where he was using about 8-10 pills each day. Eventually, I kept the pills and would hide them from him and I would give him what he was supposed to have. However, he would always look for the pills and find them and take more. I would count them about once a week, and always discover that he had gotten more. Finally we found a doctor who would work with him to get him off of the pain meds. But he remained abusing them even when they would decrease his amounts. Normally we would have to go through about a week of him not having anything, and his mood would be terrible and going through withdrawals, etc....Finally in May of this year he failed a drug test at his doc office and they will no longer prescribe him narcotics, but put him on Cymbalta and Tramadol. However, he now has started buying the pills from people. I didn't know he was doing this until our tithe check bounced and I started checking the checking account and could then see where he would buy something at Publix and get cash back for the pills. Through all of this, he has been a great dad and our boys adore him. He helps coach football and is at all the practices and games. He has been involved in music ministry, but at the same time, he has taken money from our family on countless occasions and left us in bad situation financially. He has normally been able to keep a job but has had several layoffs and has not been motivated to find a job during those layoffs. I feel like I have been raising a teenager our whole marriage. I have given him ultimatums that I do not follow through with because of fear of what it will do to our kids. He is a good person, but I am at my wits end. I know this is long, but this is only the basics. He cheated on me once when on a weekend trip and on G (a drug) back in 2002, he has left and went on a drug binge in another state (his home state) and I had to wire him money just to get him back home (2004), when I had surgery in 2010 I was prescribed percocet and I filled the prescription just in case (although I have never taken a pain med in my life) and I ended up not using the medicine and had it hide while I went through the several weeks of recovery and he found the medicine and took it all. I feel like by always forgiving him that I am basically giving him permission to kill himself slowly. His parents and siblings are addicts and are much worse off back in their home state. He left me last year for a week because he felt he had unresolved issues with an ex from a long time ago, and while he was out there for the week, he used all of the money he had on pills, went to a doc out there to try to get more pills and then had to borrow $300 from his uncle while he was there and to get back home, which we had to pay back. I keep searching in the Bible and praying, but I feel like 'if nothing changes then nothing changes.' 2 years ago I told him he had to get treatment and go to marriage counseling, and he did for about 2 months and then stopped going because he had been lying about medicine and he was getting medicine from a friend. I feel like I should make him leave, or I should leave with the boys. ,We have hid all of this from our boys and although they know their dad has back pain they aren't aware of everything. He lies constantly has pawned stuff, has went to my moms house and taken pain medicine from her house when she was not there, etc...Last night I told him that I will stay if he submits to random drug testing by me and if he fails then I will leave or he will have to and then to move back in he must pass 3 randoms. He didn't like the idea, but said he would do it. When I told him this Friday would be his first he said he feels like because he last had something last week that he will fail it, so he needs another week or a few days. I am so tired of living under this stress and burden. I need advice, I am desperate and am so worn out from this cycle that never seems to end. Please help!

Justlizzyd

Hi Seeking,

I am pretty new to this site myself although not new to what drug addiction can do to a family. I read a lot on this site, daily although I don't post often. I too have a husband who is an addict and that is why I found this place. There are a lot of folks here that know what you are going through. Find some support, there are nar-anon and al-anon groups available and you can google that and find a meetings near you. You might not like the first group you find, I did not, but I have started a new group recently. It helps. There are people who understand. Reading this site has been very helpful to me. I too have gone through great measures to control my addict. It does not work though.

There is a lot of wisdom on this site. I'm not one of the ones with a lot of wisdom on the subject yet. However, I just wanted to let you know I understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

Farfalla

I am not one of the ones with wisdom either but keep reading, venting, posting and praying. I am in a similar situation with my spouse. I will be following the feedback here of others with more experience in the healing process.

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome. Let me break it down.

Your husband is using drugs.

You told him you would leave if he continued to use drugs and failed a drug test.

He has admitted that he has continued to use drugs and will not pass a drug test.

Are you willing to follow through on your boundary or not?

(I realize it totally sucks. But you are in control of your situation and your choices. Not your husband. He's just doing the same thing he's done for years and years and years. He really has no incentive change - especially if you just keep redrawing your personal boundaries to accomodate his drug use. But you should have huge incentive to change - if not for you then for the stability and security of your children. Growing up in a home with a drug addict is not a healthy way to grow up.)

dollydo

Your husband is doing what addicts do, get addicted to whatever is available. He is a garden variety addict.

The boys may not say anything however, you are fooling yourself if you think that they do not know what is going on. Children carry their childhood into adulthood. They have already inherited the gene which predisposes them to drugs/alcohol. Living in the home of any addict, who is irresponsible, comes and goes at will, is very toxic for your children, and you setting the standard for their lives by continuing this charade. You
are condoning your husbands behavior, not a good example to set for your children.

Submitting him to drug tests accomplishes nothing, he has to want to embrace recovery, stop using, go to meetings, trying to white knuckle himself out of addiction is like trying to put a bandaid on a shotgun wound...it won't work. And, I would suggest that you attend Naranon meetings and read Codependent No More.

Your children must be your priorty, your husband is an adult, his recovery is up to him.

Read around the Family and Friends area, lots of information at your fingertips.

I do not mean to sound harsh, however, it may be time for you to take off your rose colored glasses.

The ball is in your court, time to do the right thing for your boys, they have been exposed to this toxcity long enough.

YearForMe

Please follow thru with your boundries and set a stellar example for your kids before it's too late.

mooselips

seekinganswrs,
Being the mother of 2 addict sons, I am not in your position, but in reading your posting carefully, I'm thinking you know exactly what you need to do, without any input from any of us.

What is holding you back?
Money?
Codependency?
Being comfortable with the way things are now? (not the addiction, but the monetary part of things)

Meetings, will help give you strength.
Alanon......

Hugs.....

outtolunch

There is a difference between being a great dad and giving the perception of being a great dad.

Great dads do not steal from their families.
Great dads do not put their families into financial crisis.
Great dads do absolutely everything possible to remain employed.
Great dads are not drug addicts.

I am exhausted reading your post and what you have been doing all these years to protect your husband from the consequences of his addiction.

It's obvious you can't fix him. What are you willing to do to heal yourself?

Most of us codependents are challenged to define our own boundaries. What behaviours are unacceptable to you? A boundary begins with "I will/will not", very different from the " you will/willnot" we are used to, when we try and control other people's behaviors and choices.

itsanewday2011

Hi - I am sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are religious - have you talked with a Pastor or spiritual leader about your situation. Mine gave me clarity. She told me that that man I married wasn't who I was with at the end and that it wasn't God's plan for me to continue in an "abusive" relationship.

Others have more wisdom as I am new to this, but that was one of my "ah ha" moments. Take care of you and your kids.

seekinganswrs

Thank you all for you responses. I greatly appreciate everyone who took the time to read and offer some advice or just a 'thanks for posting.' I don't have 'rose colored glasses on as mentioned, I just think it's really hard sometimes to disappoint your kids. Also, he is so good at lying I really believed he had quit this year, and he did for 56 days, but then he got some pills from someone, but I didn't find that out until about a month ago. I know addiction is a hard battle and I just attended a funeral last week of a 29 year old young man who lost the battle. I know that for many years I was very enabling and did things like calling in for him, making appointments for him, etc...but over the past few years I have tried to let him suffer some of the consequences. My real father passed away when I was 10 and my mom married and alcohol, so I am 'an adult child of an an alcoholic' and I see many of the things my mom did in me. She just always wanted things to be normal when they were far from it.

I also quit working full time 2 years ago to stay home with our children and homeschool them, so they could receive a stronger foundation in their faith, and because of that there are some financial obstacles to overcome in leaving or asking him to leave.

As far as talking to a pastor, we used to have a pastor who was the leader of our Sunday school class and he offered great advice and it was to "hate the sin and but love the person" and that is what I have been trying to do. I have been trying to continue to forgive and do my best to be an example of Christ to my husband. However, that pastor died about a month ago, so I don't really have anyone to turn to who I trust to give good, solid advice.

I think the fear of "will my kids be more messed up because I separate now that they are older or will they be more messed up if we continue and they slowly learn of the addiction?" has prevented me from doing anything drastic. I know you can't control anyone in this world, but yourself, and I know I cannot control him or his behaviors. I just don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to instantly divorce either, but I think I know that if I do have him leave or us leave then it is likely that the addiction will not get better, so that scares me, too. When we separated in 2004, he got so much worse. I am hoping this site will help some. I have gone to meetings and they just weren't very helpful for me. I am actually a social worker and I really understand the dynamics of addiction, but fear is just as consuming, and I hate for my kids to think negative of their dad when they look up to him so much.

TMZ

seekinganswers
welcome, sorry for your pain.
I know it is hard, and I hear your desperation. I see all the effort you have put into it. But from what I have learned addiction is a disease. No mater how much we want, try, or do for them it is up to them to want to stop. It is up to them to get the help, for we are to close to help them. This is a disease that they must fight on there own.

As far as the kids are concerned, I am pretty sure after all this time they already know, and they are just watching and learning how to handle it when they are faced with it. I wouldn't go so far as say divorce, but you need to set boundaries and allow him to feel his own consequences. Have him seek help and go to NA. You should try nar-anon for yourself. It might take a few meeting before you find what you need.

Take care of you first. Take your time (it took a long time to get to this point) think before you say something.
Be well,

LifeRecovery

A couple of things

I did better when I realized that I did not have to make the big decisions five minutes ago. For example you don't have to divorce to remove yourself from the situation for awhile.....that helped me to get some sanity back in my life. For me some time frames helped. For example I was willing to look/work on the next six months and make some decisions after that (it was discussed with him). At day five I did not need to make a decision for another five months and three weeks. In all honesty I did not need the six months before the decision was made for me, and I have not looked back.

I worked at a drug and alcohol rehab center for some time before getting married to someone who struggled with substances. For me personally living with addiction, and working in it were two very different experiences for me. One I could view from an objective distance, the other I was so enmeshed in that I could not get an objective view. I struggled with the "I should have known better" a lot. When I realized how much I have healed from the experiences it helps, but that took some time to get there.

I think that addiction can be insidious. For me personally I was too deep in it before I realized it to be objective. It is hard to thrive when you are trying to survive.

Individual counseling, Al-anon (after refusing to go for a long time), reading on addiction (from a personal standpoint, not as a practioner), helped me to heal.

randyberry84

take all of this advise in. evaluate your situation. but no matter what you do, keep your childrens best interests in mind . good luck

NotSoSmart

Hi Seeking...
I'm new to this stuff too but I will offer you my own ESH. My partner is addicted to pills. Reading your post brought me back to how things were not too long ago before she went to rehab. I remember counting pills, something would not add up and she'd never admit to it. I thought CVS was screwing me out of pills for months (I actually suspected the pharmacist of being an addict, that's how warped our thinking becomes!). I remember wondering all the time if she was or wasn't using. In a prior relationship it was counting drinks/bottles and playing interference for a drunk. It is so exhausting!

I set too many ultimatums to count.. I made a boundary and watched as it was walked over. I hid the key to the med box, she found it. I asked her not to drink, she did. I thought she wasn't going to drug dealer M's house, she was.

The best things i've learned are:
1. Never set a boundary I'm not willing to keep.
2. I don't have to make an immediate decision; i can take time to think it over
3. I don't do for others what they can do for themselves
4. I don't have to live with an actively using addict if I don't want to.

After everything went KaPlooeY in my life my addict did decide to go to a 90 day program. But I am keenly aware that everything could go KaPlooey again quickly once she's returned. Except this time I'm armed with a plan and a program.

Have you tried Al Anon or Nar Anon?

hello-kitty

There is a great book called Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Please please please get a copy of it. You may be able to identify your behaviors in some of the stories she tells. It may help you come up with some ideas that will help your and your children find some serenity and stability in life, no matter what your husbands choices are.

seekinganswrs

I did try a few Al ANON meetings, but honestly they just made more feel more hopeless and depressed about the situation. There aren't any NA meetings for family members here where I live. My husband did go to outpatient treatment 2 years ago, but only for about 2 months and he lied his way through that. To "NotSoSmart" I have counted pills til I am blue in the face. We bought a box with a key and he picked the locks. I am always so trusting, as far as when I forgive an incident of being lied to. I never try to throw it back up in his face, so when he would sneak and get more pills than he was allotted and I would find out, I would then try to not count them everyday, so I would count about every 3-4 days, but every time I would find that he had taken more.

"Hello Kitty" I will get that book. I am also going to get "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson, and hope that will help. I know I have many codependent traits, but I think it is mostly due to just not wanting to make the wrong decision and wanting God's will for my life above all else, and knowing that having complete certainty regarding God's will can be a daunting task to undertake in itself, to know with certainty that I would be making a good decision by moving out or asking him to.

His doctor will not prescribe him any more narcotics, so his only option is to get it from the people he knows and Lord knows it seems like everyone is on them. I know his addiction could be worse, too, his brother in LA crushes pills and shoots them and his mom probably takes upwards of 20 + a day, so when he looks at them, I think he thinks that him taking 8 a day isn't so bad. Or now that he cannot get them from his doctor he can buy 8 and take 4 of those each day on top of the Cymbalta and tramadol. Regardless, it's maddening. I want to take my time, but I feel like I have wasted so much time already....praying and crying and hoping and believing he will change. I can't even cry anymore about it because I just expect it. I expect that whether I ask him to go take a drug test on Friday or on Monday he will likely fail it. He doesn't do anything else except for the pills, and I even started smoking cigarettes again 5 months ago. I quit that in 2002, but as soon as he stopped the pills in May, I started smoking because all the other worries of life were allowed time on my brain, and they came flooding in. We have been in Foreclosure and we just got approved for a MOdification, so that has been stressful, but I could hardly focus on anything except him and how many pills he had taken and if this would be the day where he would happen to take too many....I'm only smoking about 2 cigarettes a day, but it's so out of character for me because I am into healthy living, organic food, etc....I just made myself chuckle in writing that I am "into healthy living" because this has been anything, but healthy.

I really do appreciate the feedback! This has been a great place to share my thoughts and get some good, sound advice from people who understand.

Even tonight we went to lay our boys down together and read and pray with them and I see that and think "the boys will not understand because they cannot necessarily see the damage my husband's addiction has done to our friendship and our marriage"

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort here. I do.

Even with training and a thorough understanding of the dynamics of addiction, it's a whole different ball game when you're one of the players on the field rather than up in the grandstand.

What you are experiencing is very typical of the family members of an addict. Fear is the emotion that rules the roost. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of what the addict will do if we ________(fill in the blank). Fear of how the kids will respond if we_________ (fill in the blank). And the mother of all fears.....fear that they'll die from an overdose (or other drug related issue). Fear dominates our responses and actions.

No one can make sound decisions when their life is dominated by fear. The fight/flight response is suppose to be a quick temporary thing......not something we live with daily--every second of the day. This is what I did for a very long time and it is exhausting.

For me Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings have helped tremendously. But the first one I went to didn't do a doggone thing for me. I felt very much the way you described you felt. So I stopped going. After finally reaching a point of absolute desperation, I tried again and went to a few different meetings and opened my mind and my heart. I began to work the steps like my life depended on it......it did.

Not everyone in those meetings is of help to me. Some could really drag me down if I let them. But the gems of wisdom I get are worth it. Doing what is best for me is worth it. Learning to live without fear is worth it.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

cc88

Let me start by saying I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this. Also, that I am a pastor's son, grew up in the church my whole life, went to christian high school etc. I saw my parents fire and brimstone tactics push my brother to rebellion. He went from weed to whatever to whatever to finally heroine. Hes clinging to life. Many years I hated God, religion, etc but my thinking has come full circle and thankfully I've found my way back to God even though I don't see Him exactly the same way I was told to. But God is God. I'll guess I've heard whatever advice has been given to you from a pulpit though.

Yes we are called to love the sinner but hate the sin. That doesn't mean tolerating the sin for the sake of loving someone. My mother in law was cheated and cheated ON by my father in law for years and years. Live the whole double life thing. She only recently (after 10+ years of this) had the courage to leave him because of all the pastors she knew telling her that she needed to stay with him, and forgive him, and love him, cause that's what God wants for her life. This is manipulation in itself. I had to explain to her that no. God has plans to prosper, and not to harm her. Plans to give her hope and a future. (Jer 29:11) Do you think keeping you and your kids around an addict lines up with the plans God has for you?

Christ loved the sinner but hated the sin when the house of the Lord was turned into a den of thieves and con artists. Did he say "you need to leave" ? or let them pack up? No. He loved them, for sure, but he wasnt about to let it stay anywhere near his life or his followers for one instant longer than he had to. He flipped tables and stuff.

God's plan for you isn't to be chained to a mine sinking deeper into the ocean when you have the key to the lock the whole time. Yes, marriage is sacred. But so is life. God wants you and your kids to have a shot.

That's all. Sorry for the rant. hugs.

Justlizzyd

I needed to read that.....

YearForMe

SeekingAnswers,

I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences about AlAnon/NarAnon just to possibly give you a different angle from which to look at things.

Originally I resented the thought that I had to go and work on anything. I went to a therapist, wasn't that enough? Evidently not.

*****Because that was the phase I was in at the time. And I stayed there for almost 12 years. I look back and realize that those 12 years, I can never get back.

I think it is the same as the addict not seeking help. We look at their situation and think "wow...who would want to live like that?"

We are so miserable but we don't see that it's the same for us, only in my opinion, WORSE because we don't have the drugs to numb us and we still resist going to Alanon for help.
We still have a somewhat fully functioning mind. We FEEL every single drop of pain, hurt, disappointment and despair. Yet we still don't embrace Alanon the way everyone else suggests.

Why wouldn't we want to be in a room filled with people JUST LIKE US? Maybe the only people in the world who actually KNOW what this is like?

Isn't this the same as the addict not seeking recovery?

I have heard that it is very common for people to not sync with Alanon at the beginning.
I think addicts probably don't sync up with rehab in the beginning either. (Just sayin')

If an addict wants help, they will grab on to whatever they can. They will TRUST the process.

That is the way I started to look at Alanon. Thinking "There must be something to this thing".

I trusted the process.

And although sometimes painful to hear other people's despair, I think of it more like "Thank Goodness THAT person can come here to be amongst others that will offer support". If all of these people didn't show up, who would THAT person have to lean on?

I started looking at it more as the ministry of presence. Just showing up for those other people to have someone to share to. That is what started my change in attitude about Alanon.

How can we expect the addict in our life to seek help if we don't set a good example in the first place?

Plus....Alanon is like cryptonite to an addict. Once they find out you are seeking help and setting boundries, they uh....don't like it very much.

I hope you trust the process.