lostfound

Hello everyone. I'd rather not give my name out, but I am a college junior who is in need of some serious help. I have an alcohol problem, like many of you on this forum. Here I sit, drunk at my computer for the umpteenth time... I used to think I was just drinking to rid myself of stress or, on weekends, to socialize and relate to my peers. But if that's the case, then why am I drunk (plus other drugs that are DANGEROUS to take with alcohol) on a Monday night, for god's sake? I let a man take advantage of me tonight. A friend. A "friend." He had been supportive of my efforts to cut back/quit drinking... until tonight. I felt alone, I felt troubled... I asked him to come over. I also asked him, "could you bring something for me to drink?" And then he showed up, bottle of vodka in hand. So much for supporting my desire to quit (although that desire went quickly away after a sip or two... can I really blame him?) He and I had sex; I should note that I, although I am a highly sexually active young adult, have not had sex sober in over a year. He knows this. Yet, we had sex, and worse yet, he left immediately after. I took a klonopin (NOT a good drug to take while drunk... bad bad BAD) to ease my sorrows... so here I am, drunk and drugged beyond belief, and begging for someone, anyone, to offer me any word of support. I don't feel like I deserve it. I have been drinking since age 14. The truth is, I don't yet want to stop. I want to be able to drink in moderation. Time will tell if that is possible. All I know is alcohol, or rather, my irresponsibility with alcohol, has put me in so many situations that were highly dangerous and regrettable. Please, if anyone could offer me any words of advice, it would make my night. I am only 20 years old; too damn young! Thank you to anyone who actually read this.

BadCompany

You don't have to live like this if you really don't want to.

Dee74

Hi lostfound

Welcome to SR.

I'm always sad when I read posts by people who've done impulsive dangerous and atypical things - and then end by saying...I'm not really ready to quit yet... I hope I can moderate.

I said that too - for 20 years.

I'm a guy, but the situations got more and more dangerous and more and more reprehensible for me as the years wore on...and still I didn't stop.

The fact is - if I could have moderated, I would have.

I didn't. I couldn't.

Please don't take 20 years to work that out like I did - you're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you - treat it, and you, as a thing of value.

D

SoberHooligan

I wish you could know now how you'll feel when you're 40 and you look back on how you're behaving now.You won't be pleased. You'll ask yourself how you could be so blind not to see what alcohol did to you. It will be crystal clear then.

We didn't set out to be alcoholics. Like you,we had alot of fun when we first started and like you, the fun turned to regret, depression and self loathing.

It's not your fault. You have a disease. I'm sure that's tough to accept but the sooner you do the better off you'll be.

You have a choice. You can continue to do what you're doing and expect different results(definition of insanity) or you can stop now and get the help you need.You've made a start by coming on here. I'm sure your school has programs to help you. When I look back on my life, the coolest kids were the ones who didn't drink and had their sites set on the future, not the drunken frat bro's like me.

You don't see it now but you are lucky. You are young and have a chance at a wonderful sober life .You never have to feel this way again.Please learn from this hard lesson.
Your 40 year old self will thank you.
SH

Eliasson

I first set foot in an AA meeting at age 20 and decided I was "too young" to be there and surely I could learn to drink "normally". Now here I am 45 years old with just over a month sober. You sound exactly like me when I was your age. You can spare yourself 25 years of the pain and darkness I have lived in. If you are like me, as soon as your hangover wears off things will seem "not so bad" and the cycle will ccontinue. You don't have to live one more day in this kind of pain. I worry about you mixing alcohol with drugs, too. That is so incredibly dangerous. You have your whole life ahead of you, it is up to you what you make of it! Please don't make the same mistakes I did. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. There is lots of support on this forum. You don't have to do this alone. Take good care of YOU.

Opivotal

Hi lostfound......Mixing drugs and alcohol is a dangerous combination. I'm sure you don't believe anything bad will happen to you. I never did at 20. The truth is...your setting yourself up for a whole lotta pain and sorrow. You took this drug because you felt badly about the way you were treated. If you get control of your drinking....you have presence of mind to make choices that wont make you feel awful. Every time you drink and something happens, you lose a bit of yourself. I did this, until I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person staring back.

I could not control or moderate my drinking. Alcoholics just can't! You can try for many years like we all have or you can step up TODAY and make a choice to take back your life. Your the only one who can do this.

Stick around SR for a while and read the forums....you'll find your story here and plenty more that will give you an insight into your future. I hope you change your mind and give sobriety a chance.


Best Wishes To You!

firestorm090

Some of the most valuable lessons we learn at college are not taught in the classes we attend, and you've just experienced one of those life-altering lessons.

The choice now is what you do with the information you've gained. The value lies in your choices from this time forward. You can easily repeat the experience, over and over and over again, or you can choose to get the lesson down this time and move on, and never repeat it. I'm sure there are tons of guys who would willingly repeat it with you, and tons of booze and pills to get, but there's only one you, and that's the special part of this equation. You are the special part, you are the unknown variable, with a whole life of promise and wonderful possibilities ahead for you. The hardest lesson to learn in life is that we are responsible for all of our choices, each and every one. We cannot reverse our choices once they've been experienced, but we can learn from them, which is what you are in school to do.

Learn from this experience, consider the waste and effect on your self-esteem, self-image, and self-respect. Hold your head high and move onward, and get help if the booze and drugs are beyond your control. These suggestions may save you from many more mornings of regret, shame and humiliation.

You are the gift that life gave you, use it wisely.

EmeraldRose

I started drinking/drugging in my early teens...and here I am...30 years later finally getting off the booze. Please don't wait. You have your whole life ahead of you and you need to see it with clarity. You need to feel the independance of an unaltered life and chase your dreams.
I was accepted to an Art School on the east coast many moons ago but found myself pregnant before I was out of High School. I also found myself in an unhappy marraige that kept me from sobriety.
Get your life back, prioritize your life, set goals for yourself. Finish college. Don't let others seeking your weakness' dictate your fate. Take your life by the horns and live it.
Wishing you peace and strength.

UofI2008

This reminds me of myself except I am guy. Anyways I first started realizing that I was addicted to booze when I was in my "victory lap" year of college. I remember I got hammered and cheated on my girlfriend, one who planned on marrying me, several times. I would try to quit or cut back out of shame after that. Of course, like most of us, I lasted only a few days. Up until that point I was the life of the party and had lots of friends, not to mention I was a member of a varsity athletic team and a good student.

That was 3 years ago and let me tell you it didn't get better until I started trying to get sober. It's not going to be an easy ride, you will probably fall down and fail. Have the courage to get back up dust yourself off and try again. The last 8 or so months I haven't been perfect in my sobriety but the longer I stick around and try the better I get. Slowly my life is coming back to me.

Keep your chin up kid, you will be alright.

ajangel

I have to say that I cried when I read your post. I have a 22 year old daughter. i am so blessed that she only drinks occasionally. I am praying she sees my destructive life as a precursor for what can be in her future. You sound so lost. At 20, I was drinking and doing things drunk that I would never do when I was sober. Let me just say that it never gets any better. We have so much to worry about as women. Men will inevitably take advantage when you are drunk. Not to say it is all their fault. They are human. You can also put yourself in a very dangerous position. If you feel you need to quit, please do so now. Don't waste 20 years of your life that you can't get back.

Reed22

Hi lostfound,

I am holding positive thoughts for you! I hope that you come back and read your post when you are sober. Try and capture that feeling and use it as a snapshot of what you DO NOT WANT...

It is not easy, and I have tried to moderate my own drinking for quite a while. I am only on day 2 myself=/

But I know what I don't want to be. Drinking seems to interweave itself with all the other negative things in me: laziness, apathy, lack of discipline - I suspect that it does that to a great many people on this site.

I can only encourage you to continue coming here and posting... There are wonderful, wise, and supportive people here. Good luck and I hope to see you post again!

ElvisInASkirt

Ah lostfound I had plenty of those experiences. I'm 27 now and I've stopped the booze for good thankfully

The trouble is that I had friends who would tell me that I was ok because I wasn't a skid-row alcoholic but I always knew inside that something was not right.

Then I'd go back to drinking and wonder why I was drinking on certain nights and what good it was doing me.

It's very difficult to assert yourself when you haven't seen what you believe to be rock bottom but all I know is that I got closer and closer to losing a LOT the more I drank.

My moment of clarity was realizing that I wasn't getting anything at all from alcohol that I couldn't get through just living and accepting life.

Welcome

artsoul

Welcome, lostfound!

It takes courage to admit we have a problem and reach out for support. I remember how scared I was to think of life without alcohol, but I knew something had to change.

Moderation is something most of us have tried over and over again. AA calls it "the obsession of all alcoholics." On those rare occasions when I was able to limit myself to one or two drinks, it was usually because of a social situation or the result of a LOT of willpower. It was hard to resist the urge to continue drinking. I always wanted more.

You'll find lots of support here, so keep reading and posting!

freshstart57

LostFound made no gender self-identification.

Opivotal

Fresh...her profile says female.



Best Wishes To You!

whiskeyman

The truth is, I don't yet want to stop. I want to be able to drink in moderation. Time will tell if that is possible.

that is one of the reasons why my drinking kept progressing to the point of being out of control.
I didnt want to stop. you say that now. but do you say the same thing in the morning when all the guilt, remorse, shame, anger are there.
those are the feelings you need to listen to not the buzz feelings.

you are so young. quick while it still "easy", cuz i can tell you it gets alot harder. and the older you get the more stubborn the monster becomes.

defyinggravity

I went to my first AA meeting at 18. Decided I was too young to be an alcoholic (turns out there's no such thing as too young in addiction) and I'm now 26. I did a lot of the same things - I was pretty promiscuous (ONLY when drunk/high - I'm just over a week sober and at the risk of being TMI, have never actually had sex sober...that's not a good feeling)

This disease progresses...in my case, pretty quickly. I had my first drink at 12...I took opiates starting maybe 6 months to a year before that. By the time I got to 18, I was drinking to blackout almost daily, doing the xanax, vicodin and alcohol mixing thing...drinking in class, in the morning, going to class high...by 23, I was smoking weed all day every day and by 25, I was doing cocaine.

You have the opportunity to live 3/4 of your life sober - take it right now...I PROMISE you will not regret having taken this step. Sounds like we have a whole lot in common so if you wanna PM me or something - just to chat or whatever, feel free. I'm only a week in...but we can do this thing together.

texas729

Hey there from another college student. Our campus offers a free counseling center. It's been an amazingly helpful place for me. I also found that recovery by attending twelve step meetings. It's only an hour a few times a week.

Check both of those options out. University counseling is normally free and by law confidential, (unless you are a harm to yourself or others). Yea I wish i could drink in moderation too but i accept that it's just not possible for me.

Good luck and keep coming back.

Love Texas

lostfound

Wow, I am really touched by all the heartfelt responses to my initial post. Thank you all very much for your wisdom and support.

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache and decided I didn't want to go to class (bad habit... I need to keep up my GPA in order to be eligible for a study abroad program that's mandatory for me to graduate.) As the day went on, I felt better physically, but I can't shake the guilt and remorse for screwing up so badly last night. I'd like to ask a few questions of all of you, who seem to be a lot more experienced than I.

1. How can I get over feeling like I can moderate my drinking? I know logically that time after time of me trying to do this has failed, but as I'm sure you all know, the thought of "next time, it'll work" keeps floating through my head.

2. If I quit drinking, how can I continue to have a happy social life in a college environment? All my friends drink, and most of our social activities on the weekends involve/revolve around drinking. I feel like I would be very tempted to drink if I accompanied my friends to the bars like we usually do.

3. I'm scared of telling the people close to me that I have a problem, but I feel that it is necessary, just so people will know not to offer me alcohol. I am most terrified of talking to my family about it. I've always been the "golden child" that my parents were always so proud of. My mother has terrible anxiety, and I worry that telling her I'm an alcoholic would set her off and she wouldn't be able to sleep at night anymore. So, how do I gather the courage to tell the people in my life that I am an alcoholic?

I feel a faint (very faint, but it's there nonetheless) desire to quit drinking altogether. I know there would be so many challenges, but I don't think I really have a choice anymore if I want to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Anna

Welcome!

Like Dee, I'm sad when I read about someone engaging in dangerous activity while drinking, and yet not willing to stop and hoping for moderation. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive and it's such a vicious cycle. You drink because you feel uncomfortable, then do something you wouldn't have done sober, then you feel guilty and depressed and drink again. I really hope that you can step out of the cycle and help yourself to a sober life.