Codependency
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Does it matter? That's like one of those questions "Do all alcoholics <fill in certain behavior>?
Maybe you're getting too hung up on the label. For me, codependency was a handy description of things I was doing that were ultimately causing me suffering. It was a way to look objectively at what was going wrong in my life as something that could be changed, rather than something inherently "wrong" with me.
It helped me to see patterns in my life. It helped me to see that where I was came as a result of choices I had made. It helped me to know that behaviors can be unlearned and different choices can be made. It was empowering for me to know I wasn't just a "victim of circumstances."
Don't like the label? Don't use it.
L
Maybe you're getting too hung up on the label. For me, codependency was a handy description of things I was doing that were ultimately causing me suffering. It was a way to look objectively at what was going wrong in my life as something that could be changed, rather than something inherently "wrong" with me.
It helped me to see patterns in my life. It helped me to see that where I was came as a result of choices I had made. It helped me to know that behaviors can be unlearned and different choices can be made. It was empowering for me to know I wasn't just a "victim of circumstances."
Don't like the label? Don't use it.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I am reading the book "Codependent No More." I've come to the conclusion that 'codependent' traits are to some degree part of our wiring as humans. We are hard-wired to depend on each other.
When codependency is a problem is when we allow ourselves to become enmeshed with another person who is unhealthy. It's a natural reaction to an unnatural situation, I've read, which makes sense.
Am I codependent? When I read the description in the book, I didn't feel like I'm a "classic" codependent. I have pretty good boundaries. But I could definitely see where I've adopted some coping skills that became patterns that were definitely codependent. Seeing that in black and white has helped me to recognize these traits and address them.
It's like everything else....take what makes sense to you, leave the rest. I don't label myself as a codependent because I don't like labels, but I've definitely mutated around my husband's alcoholism....
When codependency is a problem is when we allow ourselves to become enmeshed with another person who is unhealthy. It's a natural reaction to an unnatural situation, I've read, which makes sense.
Am I codependent? When I read the description in the book, I didn't feel like I'm a "classic" codependent. I have pretty good boundaries. But I could definitely see where I've adopted some coping skills that became patterns that were definitely codependent. Seeing that in black and white has helped me to recognize these traits and address them.
It's like everything else....take what makes sense to you, leave the rest. I don't label myself as a codependent because I don't like labels, but I've definitely mutated around my husband's alcoholism....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Does it matter? That's like one of those questions "Do all alcoholics <fill in certain behavior>?
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Originally Posted by choublak
I hadn't heard of codependency until these forums. Excuse me for trying to better myself by becoming more informed.
Have you read "Codependent No More?"
L
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
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choublak, I understand that you are trying to better yourself. I see your attempts at introspection and it's inspiring. I don't want to speak for LaTeeDa, but what I got from LaTeeDa's post was simply a suggestion to look at it a different way. I don't like labels either because sometimes I get too caught up in trying to see if I "fit" that label instead of addressing the real issues...it can keep me stagnant, keep me from doing some real work. All I have to do is find one behavior of the label that doesn't fit me and I can say "well, I'm not that" and then stop looking inward. If I do that, it's a huge hindrance to my growth. I agree with LaTeeDa, it's more beneficial to look at whichever of your own behaviors seem to be causing your suffering and deal with those. Forget if you are "this" or "that"...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Personally I was glad to find out what was wrong with me, and it had a name. 
Today my past struggles with alcoholism/addictions/codependency are my greatest gift because that is what the newcomer can relate to.
Today my past struggles with alcoholism/addictions/codependency are my greatest gift because that is what the newcomer can relate to.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 30
I agree with Soberlicious' post about getting hung up on labels. Because of that it took me a very, very long time to even realize that my XAH was indeed an alcoholic. I would read descriptions of alcoholism and say 'No, that's not him. He does this but not that.' Anyway, I do agree that many of the attributes of a co-dependent would fit alot of people. But if it fits the description of how you deal with the alcoholic in your life then maybe so.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Someone in my Al-Anon group came in this this slogan:
Labels are for jars, not people.
That said, I'm not really sure that it's possible to label a person as "codependent," but rather the things they do (or, to put it more accurately, the motives behind the things that they do).
If you were to look at codependency in a black and white sort of setting, the average person would start to think that if everyone was codependent the world would be a better place, everyone looking out for each other, no selfishness, etc.
But the truth is, that would never work.
Codependent actions are doing things while searching for a specific reaction from someone else. Healthy behavior is doing things because they make you feel good, and it doesn't really matter how the other person reacts.
Someone else defines codependence as "conditional love and unconditional commitment," and that's also a fitting definition, because a person in the throes of codependent thinking will latch onto a person and stick by them through thick and thin, always "saving" them from themselves, convinced that if only the person would do what we want them to do then everything would be perfect because we know exactly the right answer. We'll get frustrated when the other person doesn't do what we want, and we'll get depressed, but it takes a whole lot more than that for us to remove our claws from the other person's life.
So I believe that anyone involved with an alcoholic for an extended period of time will develop more and more codependent behaviors and codependent thinking... And some people have a harder time letting go of that thinking than others... But once that person starts to let go and move on with their own lives the codependence thing weakens.
tl;dr: It's hard to label the person, and easy to label the behaviors, and everyone in any sort of prolonged or intimate relationship with an alcoholic will absolutely have some codependent behaviors and thought processes - and yet again, everyone has their own degree of this, no two people are the same (even though all our stories are similar).
Labels are for jars, not people.
That said, I'm not really sure that it's possible to label a person as "codependent," but rather the things they do (or, to put it more accurately, the motives behind the things that they do).
If you were to look at codependency in a black and white sort of setting, the average person would start to think that if everyone was codependent the world would be a better place, everyone looking out for each other, no selfishness, etc.
But the truth is, that would never work.
Codependent actions are doing things while searching for a specific reaction from someone else. Healthy behavior is doing things because they make you feel good, and it doesn't really matter how the other person reacts.
Someone else defines codependence as "conditional love and unconditional commitment," and that's also a fitting definition, because a person in the throes of codependent thinking will latch onto a person and stick by them through thick and thin, always "saving" them from themselves, convinced that if only the person would do what we want them to do then everything would be perfect because we know exactly the right answer. We'll get frustrated when the other person doesn't do what we want, and we'll get depressed, but it takes a whole lot more than that for us to remove our claws from the other person's life.
So I believe that anyone involved with an alcoholic for an extended period of time will develop more and more codependent behaviors and codependent thinking... And some people have a harder time letting go of that thinking than others... But once that person starts to let go and move on with their own lives the codependence thing weakens.
tl;dr: It's hard to label the person, and easy to label the behaviors, and everyone in any sort of prolonged or intimate relationship with an alcoholic will absolutely have some codependent behaviors and thought processes - and yet again, everyone has their own degree of this, no two people are the same (even though all our stories are similar).
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Personally I was glad to find out what was wrong with me, and it had a name.
I don't think codependency is necessarily defaulted because we have been so closely effected by an alcoholic, but rather that we have been programmed down the line to be dependent on one another. This dependency creates our family and friend's circle. Its how we learn to compromise and rely on one another. It is natural to nurture, love, and care for the people that are close to us. I believe that, in a way, we are all codependent by nature, but codependency becomes unhealthy when we allow ourselves to be consumed with the nurturing, love, and care of someone else.
I believe in my situation I was either already codependent or easily susceptible to unhealthy codependency based upon how I was raised. I was a raised in a "traditional" household where my mom was to be the caretaker and my dad to be the bread winner. My mom would serve the needs of the household by being a loving housewife and mom, but I did notice, when reflecting back, that she put the needs of others before herself. She is a good nurturing mother and an obedient wife that you can always rely on to take care of your needs. She would go out of her way to make sure you have enough to eat, and you have chicken soup when you are sick. These are not bad qualities, but if an unnatural substance would be thrown into the mix, it would make for one unhealthy recipe of a codependent mother only caring for the needs of another. Although I am a bit more modernized, I took these teachings of being the nurturing and caring wife my mom has instilled upon me, and then when introduced to my husband's alcoholism I was branded to "nurse" him to health. Since alcoholism is not the flu, he could not simply be "nursed" to health. I sure kept trying over and over again, though.
In the past, I met a lady that had a husband that was an alcoholic. We had struck up a conversation. She mentioned to me that she just lets her husband sit there and drink. She said that she loves him, and she doesn't believe in divorce. She mentioned that she does not cook for him or invite him out any more, but she is really happy. She lives her life. She goes out with friends, and visits her grandchildren. She gets her nails and hair done. I was baffled at that time. I was thinking why doesn't she care for him. I thought poor guy. As it turned out, I was the unhealthy one.
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I had many codependant behaviors in place way before I met my exH.
Now looking back on them many of both sides of my family struggle with either addiction or living with someone with an addiction. Though I was fortunate to not have active addiction in my family of origin I believe both my parents were raised with an alcoholic and did not choose or have an opportunity for recovery from that experience.
I feel so fortunate that all of the puzzle pieces came together for me the way they did. It took my romantic relationship (even after recognizing and working on that codependancy in my own recovery before hand) to help me to really start to heal some of those tendancies I had to always be the "good" girl growing up, the most helpful etc.
As long as I am grounded in me it works out. I start to get a little nuts when I start to lose myself.
Now looking back on them many of both sides of my family struggle with either addiction or living with someone with an addiction. Though I was fortunate to not have active addiction in my family of origin I believe both my parents were raised with an alcoholic and did not choose or have an opportunity for recovery from that experience.
I feel so fortunate that all of the puzzle pieces came together for me the way they did. It took my romantic relationship (even after recognizing and working on that codependancy in my own recovery before hand) to help me to really start to heal some of those tendancies I had to always be the "good" girl growing up, the most helpful etc.
As long as I am grounded in me it works out. I start to get a little nuts when I start to lose myself.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I refer to myself as a Codie. I use A as short hand not a nickname. I also see many here who openly admit that they are codies. It was an important part of my recovery to recognize what was wrong with me so I could begin to fix it. Btw I use a lot of abbreviations. So, ttfn.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I'm a codependent! For sure! But while being married to my AH for 9+ years has INTENSIFIED my codependency, and even helped to create more OPPURTUNITIES for more codependent behaviors to develop, I can see how codependancy has effected ALL of my adult relationships.
I'm also in the "I'm so happy to know what's wrong with me has a NAME" club. It's given me a place to start. And in weeks, my eyes are open and the world is too!
Codependent No More really helped me see the patterns, I'm currently reading Beyond Codependency.
I'm also in the "I'm so happy to know what's wrong with me has a NAME" club. It's given me a place to start. And in weeks, my eyes are open and the world is too!
Codependent No More really helped me see the patterns, I'm currently reading Beyond Codependency.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: columbus ohio
Posts: 59
A friend in al anon told me that codependency and enabling occurs without consent. I had to laugh because it was so true and funny. No one wants to be in the sober partner's position, no way! But with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. When you partner with an alcoholic, there are these behaviors and thinking errors which are acquired because of the dynamics. It's all out of our control and blameless. Having a name or label only means a shorthand description of those behaviors, thinking errors, and shame attributed to "codependent." Nothing more, nothing less.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
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'I've definately mutated around my husbands alcoholism' sounds like lead in to a 50's horror movie- talking of which my partner can do a pretty good Jekyll and Hyde routine, I'm sure we are all familiar with that!
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