New here and befuddled
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
New here and befuddled
Hi everybody,
I'm new to this forum.
I found out my husband of 20+ years is addicted to Vicoden (hydrocodone).
He's in his late 50's.....has never had any addiction problems prior.
This is an old scrip the Dr. keeps refilling from a frozen shoulder/pinched nerve situation almost 4 years ago. Right, you ask why the Dr. would keep refilling....I don't know! unbelievable huh?
My husband had the same job for over 15 years and got laid off 2.5 years ago.
I couldn't figure out why he wasn't looking for a job, now I know!
I found out totally by accident.
I had no reason to think anything like THIS was going on.
About me.....
1st husband was a cocaine addict/dealer and I didn't know until the police broke my door down. I was 19 yrs old and 5 months pregnant, 6 months married.
I left him sitting in jail, divorced him pronto.
Was a single parent, worked on myself, went to therapy etc. and had a fab life for 10 years. And I mean a fab life.
Wasn't looking for anyone and THIS one popped up when I was least expecting it.
We dated for almost 2 years, then lived together engaged for another year.
He was a great step father to my daughter.
All of that was great until daughter as teenager starts dabbling in drugs.
We had a few awful teen years there...lots of therapy etc. Then daughter becomes adult and the wheels totally fell off the bus.
She is a meth addict, has lost 2 kids....she's gone to prison several times.
She's out there, lost in her addiction and who knows...might be dead for all I know. I have detached.
I've had tons of therapy, tons of Al-Anon. I'm a recovering co-dep.
Somewhere here, I read that I can't be in my recovery and his/her addiction at the same time.
I want someone who is 100% present in life and this marriage.
Just so disappointed that this was his choice.
I'm new to this forum.
I found out my husband of 20+ years is addicted to Vicoden (hydrocodone).
He's in his late 50's.....has never had any addiction problems prior.
This is an old scrip the Dr. keeps refilling from a frozen shoulder/pinched nerve situation almost 4 years ago. Right, you ask why the Dr. would keep refilling....I don't know! unbelievable huh?
My husband had the same job for over 15 years and got laid off 2.5 years ago.
I couldn't figure out why he wasn't looking for a job, now I know!
I found out totally by accident.
I had no reason to think anything like THIS was going on.
About me.....
1st husband was a cocaine addict/dealer and I didn't know until the police broke my door down. I was 19 yrs old and 5 months pregnant, 6 months married.
I left him sitting in jail, divorced him pronto.
Was a single parent, worked on myself, went to therapy etc. and had a fab life for 10 years. And I mean a fab life.
Wasn't looking for anyone and THIS one popped up when I was least expecting it.
We dated for almost 2 years, then lived together engaged for another year.
He was a great step father to my daughter.
All of that was great until daughter as teenager starts dabbling in drugs.
We had a few awful teen years there...lots of therapy etc. Then daughter becomes adult and the wheels totally fell off the bus.
She is a meth addict, has lost 2 kids....she's gone to prison several times.
She's out there, lost in her addiction and who knows...might be dead for all I know. I have detached.
I've had tons of therapy, tons of Al-Anon. I'm a recovering co-dep.
Somewhere here, I read that I can't be in my recovery and his/her addiction at the same time.
I want someone who is 100% present in life and this marriage.
Just so disappointed that this was his choice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad you found us.
I completely understand the disappointment of not having someone 100% in life and the marriage.
I had to walk away from my EXAH for my own sanity/safety.
I also have a 33-year-old addicted daughter who has been in jail multiple times, the longest being felony drug-related (meth) charges.
I too have detached from that situation.
Are you still attending Alanon? It's been a real lifesaver for me in all areas of my life.
If you haven't read it yet, Melody Beattie has an excellent book, "Codependent No More."
Welcome to SR. Know you are among friends, and I'm sending you hugs of support!
I completely understand the disappointment of not having someone 100% in life and the marriage.
I had to walk away from my EXAH for my own sanity/safety.
I also have a 33-year-old addicted daughter who has been in jail multiple times, the longest being felony drug-related (meth) charges.
I too have detached from that situation.
Are you still attending Alanon? It's been a real lifesaver for me in all areas of my life.
If you haven't read it yet, Melody Beattie has an excellent book, "Codependent No More."
Welcome to SR. Know you are among friends, and I'm sending you hugs of support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Thank you....
Yes, still going to Al-Anon, as of last week, back in therapy.
Read Co-dep no more (more than once). Maybe need to read again.
I know what I have to do. I just hate that I have to do it and could use some support with that.
Nobody wants to believe that someone they have partnered with and loved for over 25 years has suddenly become and addict.
He's ordering synthetic marijuana over the internet too.
Yes, still going to Al-Anon, as of last week, back in therapy.
Read Co-dep no more (more than once). Maybe need to read again.
I know what I have to do. I just hate that I have to do it and could use some support with that.
Nobody wants to believe that someone they have partnered with and loved for over 25 years has suddenly become and addict.
He's ordering synthetic marijuana over the internet too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by YearForMe 
He's ordering synthetic marijuana over the internet too.
I don't think it's ever easy, even if it isn't our first rodeo with addiction.
I feel your pain and wish I could take it away, I really do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Not only needing support....but, also a sign to others that you NEVER ever know.
you can do all the work in the world on yourself. You can choose what you think is a wise choice for a mate and a partner, and still things can happen.
It's called LIFE....whatcha gonna do with it?
you can do all the work in the world on yourself. You can choose what you think is a wise choice for a mate and a partner, and still things can happen.
It's called LIFE....whatcha gonna do with it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
As an update....
I finally confronted my husband about taking the vicodin. He admitted taking it "once in awhile"
I looked at him with one raised eyebrow and said....
I know you have been refilling the scrip every 2 weeks for over a year and a half and I know you have been taking 4 per day most days. Occasionally 6, sometimes only 2 and mixing with your Ambien.
He said if I thought it was a problem...he would quit right then and there.
I told him he should Google "Vicodin withdrawal" first.
He quit taking them. The bottle is still in the drawer. And didn't have any of the signs of withdrawal that I read about. Or, if he did....he hid it well.....
Or...he has a secret stash that is separate.
He is still not working. And all of a sudden....he's had 3-4 interviews this week.
WTF?
I'm a little baffled.
I kept my appt. with the divorce attorney.
I made an appt. with my therapist
I am reading co-dep. no more (again...for like the 5th time)
Comments? suggestions?.......
I finally confronted my husband about taking the vicodin. He admitted taking it "once in awhile"
I looked at him with one raised eyebrow and said....
I know you have been refilling the scrip every 2 weeks for over a year and a half and I know you have been taking 4 per day most days. Occasionally 6, sometimes only 2 and mixing with your Ambien.
He said if I thought it was a problem...he would quit right then and there.
I told him he should Google "Vicodin withdrawal" first.
He quit taking them. The bottle is still in the drawer. And didn't have any of the signs of withdrawal that I read about. Or, if he did....he hid it well.....
Or...he has a secret stash that is separate.
He is still not working. And all of a sudden....he's had 3-4 interviews this week.
WTF?
I'm a little baffled.
I kept my appt. with the divorce attorney.
I made an appt. with my therapist
I am reading co-dep. no more (again...for like the 5th time)
Comments? suggestions?.......
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Sounds like you have all the bases covered. As to the pills, my exabf always had some stashed somewhere, JIC. When he came off of them, it was easy to tell, poor baby was sicker than a dog. So, I too, wonder about your husband.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Sounds like you have all the bases covered. As to the pills, my exabf always had some stashed somewhere, JIC. When he came off of them, it was easy to tell, poor baby was sicker than a dog. So, I too, wonder about your husband.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......
Life has a way of throwing out some real doozies at us. It's not that those things happen, it's how we cope with them. And it sounds like you are coping incredibly well.
I hope you stick around and share your experience, strength and hope. There are others here who could use the ESH and support of someone like you!
gentle hugs
ke
Life has a way of throwing out some real doozies at us. It's not that those things happen, it's how we cope with them. And it sounds like you are coping incredibly well.
I hope you stick around and share your experience, strength and hope. There are others here who could use the ESH and support of someone like you!
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
I had almost 20 years of the guy doing the right thing and now JUST realizing that the last 2 have been driven by his ego....the vicodin etc.
While I've spent the last 2 years trusting that he will get a job...
because that's what this guy does.....
I feel like our life and our marriage has been totally blown up.
It just never occurred to me that this could happen. We have been in meth hell with my active addict daughter for about 14-15 years.
I do think the Vicodin was a symptom of being depressed about not working....and it started innocently enough and progressed to a steady 4 pills per day (20mg).
I don't know how someone takes it like this for almost 2 years and doesn't have some symptoms of withdrawal.
I have an appt. that is 1 block away from where his interview is today.
I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to take that 1 block detour.
But honestly, I wont. Just like I don't count his pills anymore.
I spent too long in that co-dependent clusterphuck with my daughter. And I worked too hard to get myself out of it and I work to hard to keep myself out of it.
While I've spent the last 2 years trusting that he will get a job...
because that's what this guy does.....
I feel like our life and our marriage has been totally blown up.
It just never occurred to me that this could happen. We have been in meth hell with my active addict daughter for about 14-15 years.
I do think the Vicodin was a symptom of being depressed about not working....and it started innocently enough and progressed to a steady 4 pills per day (20mg).
I don't know how someone takes it like this for almost 2 years and doesn't have some symptoms of withdrawal.
I have an appt. that is 1 block away from where his interview is today.
I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to take that 1 block detour.
But honestly, I wont. Just like I don't count his pills anymore.
I spent too long in that co-dependent clusterphuck with my daughter. And I worked too hard to get myself out of it and I work to hard to keep myself out of it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
YearForMe, welcome. Sorry you had to find us but glad that we can be here to support you. You don't have to do anything right now except get your own head on straight. Coming here is a great start for your recovery.
I suggest setting some personal boundaries regarding what you are willing to put up with in your life and some actions you will take if they are violated. Write them down. I statements... Just focus on taking care of you. And maybe start shuffling some of your money away for a rainy day... someplace that he doesn't have access to it.
I suggest setting some personal boundaries regarding what you are willing to put up with in your life and some actions you will take if they are violated. Write them down. I statements... Just focus on taking care of you. And maybe start shuffling some of your money away for a rainy day... someplace that he doesn't have access to it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Hello Kitty....
Thank you for your response.
I handle all of the finances and have already moved most of the money into accounts that he cannot get into.
I've already met with the divorce attorney and I'm back going to the therapist.
Freaky thing....but, my old Alanon sponsor that moved away.....suddenly emailed me last night and said she's moving back.
Co-inky-dink? I don't think so.
God is working in my life and if I just stop and close my eyes for one moment.....
I can visualize it and I know what I need to do.
and it's good to be amongst people here who can help prop me up and redirect me as well. So I thank all of you.....
Thank you for your response.
I handle all of the finances and have already moved most of the money into accounts that he cannot get into.
I've already met with the divorce attorney and I'm back going to the therapist.
Freaky thing....but, my old Alanon sponsor that moved away.....suddenly emailed me last night and said she's moving back.
Co-inky-dink? I don't think so.
God is working in my life and if I just stop and close my eyes for one moment.....
I can visualize it and I know what I need to do.
and it's good to be amongst people here who can help prop me up and redirect me as well. So I thank all of you.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Childhood issues keep popping up when I read your story. It's never where I want to look, but that is where it always is. How come we can't detach from our childhoods? And how exactly does one work through that? Forgiveness, I've been told...that's a toughie.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Another unplanned "chat" with the hubby last night.
He had an interview and was telling me how it went. I sat quietly and let him talk.
We had a conversation awhile back about the fact that as we get older, we realize how much we appreciate the ability to talk to someone that listens....really listens.....
and how easy it is to get distracted if someone interjects while we are trying to say something. (it's called "getting older") LOL
What is interesting is that I usually get what I call the "manly grunt".
The short answers.....
This or that happened...end of story.
Now he is going into ALOT more detail....
And as he was telling me about this interview....as I listened....
I realized that he was setting me up to tell me all of the reasons why he has ALREADY
decided he doesn't want this job. And they haven't even offered it to him yet.
He said that he doesn't know where he stands with me since I told him I want a divorce, and he doesn't know what to do with that.
I told him that he asked for an opportunity to try and fix it 6 days ago and I have seen some improvement. But I don't expect miracles in 6 days...
Human nature to start to relax when things start to look a little like "normal"
and Human nature to want to see something that looks and feels like normal when you try.
He said that he quit taking the Vicodin and hasn't had any withdrawals....so therefore he feels like he has proven to me that he's not addicted to it.
I said "ahhh....you missed the whole point....None of this was about proving anything to me".
He had an interview and was telling me how it went. I sat quietly and let him talk.
We had a conversation awhile back about the fact that as we get older, we realize how much we appreciate the ability to talk to someone that listens....really listens.....
and how easy it is to get distracted if someone interjects while we are trying to say something. (it's called "getting older") LOL
What is interesting is that I usually get what I call the "manly grunt".
The short answers.....
This or that happened...end of story.
Now he is going into ALOT more detail....
And as he was telling me about this interview....as I listened....
I realized that he was setting me up to tell me all of the reasons why he has ALREADY
decided he doesn't want this job. And they haven't even offered it to him yet.
He said that he doesn't know where he stands with me since I told him I want a divorce, and he doesn't know what to do with that.
I told him that he asked for an opportunity to try and fix it 6 days ago and I have seen some improvement. But I don't expect miracles in 6 days...
Human nature to start to relax when things start to look a little like "normal"
and Human nature to want to see something that looks and feels like normal when you try.
He said that he quit taking the Vicodin and hasn't had any withdrawals....so therefore he feels like he has proven to me that he's not addicted to it.
I said "ahhh....you missed the whole point....None of this was about proving anything to me".
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
No pain complaints after quitting? Nothing?? Then why was he taking it in the first place... I just find that odd. I just don't think that healthy grown men abuse vicodin for no reason and then just quit when their wife asks them too...
Not that it matters. The truth ALWAYS reveals itself in time.
Just take care of you. Happiness and serenity comes from within.
Not that it matters. The truth ALWAYS reveals itself in time.
Just take care of you. Happiness and serenity comes from within.
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