Need help, don't know where to turn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4
Need help, don't know where to turn
I hope I am posting this in the right place so here goes...
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. When I first got into a relationship with him I knew that he had sometimes dabbled in drugs but I had no idea how bad it was and it's gotten progressively worse.
At the beginning of our relationship he would spend every weekend from Friday night to Sunday evening smoking weed with his mate. At first it didn't bother me too much, he had been single for a long time and I thought that now he had a girlfriend things would naturally change. After 3/4 months it became clear that things were not going to change and we had many arguments where I would tell him that either he stopped smoking weed or we would have to break up. Each time he would promise me that he would, until the next time. Well 9/10 months later the weed smoking has subsided considerably and things were going well until a mate of his moved back to our city. Now the routine seems to be that his mate and his girlfriend who are into drugs in quite a big way come down every weekend, either on a Friday or Saturday night and stay until the early hours, 5, 6, 7, 8 in the morning drinking and snorting coke, mcat or both.
The has been the case now for the last 5/6 weeks and we have had many arguments about this. He did say last weekend that he would give them up as I said I couldn't go on anymore with the relationship but hasn't. His attitude has changed dramatically and now he tells me that I am just trying to control him and mould him into what I want him to be. This isn't the case at all. All I want him to do is to stop taking drugs, they are no good for him. He also has bipolar so that worries me even more.
The Friday just gone, we were meant to be going to visit another mate of his and his girlfriend as they have just moved into a new house but I said I would not be going if there were drugs there. I stuck to this and didn't go and now on top of everything else I have found out that he has been messaging other women on facebook telling them he is newly single when he wasn't.
Can someone please give me some advice as I am pretty lost at the moment and don't know what to do.
Thanks
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. When I first got into a relationship with him I knew that he had sometimes dabbled in drugs but I had no idea how bad it was and it's gotten progressively worse.
At the beginning of our relationship he would spend every weekend from Friday night to Sunday evening smoking weed with his mate. At first it didn't bother me too much, he had been single for a long time and I thought that now he had a girlfriend things would naturally change. After 3/4 months it became clear that things were not going to change and we had many arguments where I would tell him that either he stopped smoking weed or we would have to break up. Each time he would promise me that he would, until the next time. Well 9/10 months later the weed smoking has subsided considerably and things were going well until a mate of his moved back to our city. Now the routine seems to be that his mate and his girlfriend who are into drugs in quite a big way come down every weekend, either on a Friday or Saturday night and stay until the early hours, 5, 6, 7, 8 in the morning drinking and snorting coke, mcat or both.
The has been the case now for the last 5/6 weeks and we have had many arguments about this. He did say last weekend that he would give them up as I said I couldn't go on anymore with the relationship but hasn't. His attitude has changed dramatically and now he tells me that I am just trying to control him and mould him into what I want him to be. This isn't the case at all. All I want him to do is to stop taking drugs, they are no good for him. He also has bipolar so that worries me even more.
The Friday just gone, we were meant to be going to visit another mate of his and his girlfriend as they have just moved into a new house but I said I would not be going if there were drugs there. I stuck to this and didn't go and now on top of everything else I have found out that he has been messaging other women on facebook telling them he is newly single when he wasn't.
Can someone please give me some advice as I am pretty lost at the moment and don't know what to do.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
Agreed. If you said one point, or the other, I would have already said "let whatever the last time you spoke BE the last time you do speak" but both together, ESPECIALLY.
I dated a girl for 2 years and we broke up over something WAAAYYY less serious than evidence of infidelity and hard drug use. Had I not, I would be unhappy, still with her, and would not have met/married the most amazing girl I've ever met in my life 5 months ago. Do yourself a favor, follow through with your word. If there are drugs, you arent in his life. There are, and will continue to be drugs. So dont be in his life. ESPECIALLY if his friends are a big part of it. Run. Fast. You deserve so much better, and you WILL find it. If you let yourself.
remember, you are LUCKY!! A lot of the amazing women on here have many years of marriage, kids, etc to worry about. They left their husbands, took their kids, and are stronger people/giving their kids a much better chance for doing so. Learn from them. They say the best way to quit smoking is never to start, i say well the best way to reclaim your whole life back from an addict is to never surrender it to them.
Read whatever posts you can in here and try to learn as much as you can. The people here care and wanna help. Good luck!
I dated a girl for 2 years and we broke up over something WAAAYYY less serious than evidence of infidelity and hard drug use. Had I not, I would be unhappy, still with her, and would not have met/married the most amazing girl I've ever met in my life 5 months ago. Do yourself a favor, follow through with your word. If there are drugs, you arent in his life. There are, and will continue to be drugs. So dont be in his life. ESPECIALLY if his friends are a big part of it. Run. Fast. You deserve so much better, and you WILL find it. If you let yourself.
remember, you are LUCKY!! A lot of the amazing women on here have many years of marriage, kids, etc to worry about. They left their husbands, took their kids, and are stronger people/giving their kids a much better chance for doing so. Learn from them. They say the best way to quit smoking is never to start, i say well the best way to reclaim your whole life back from an addict is to never surrender it to them.
Read whatever posts you can in here and try to learn as much as you can. The people here care and wanna help. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you for the replies. They have helped a little.
Can I ask what you mean when you say if you said one point or the other and the let the last time you spoke be the last time? I don't really understand that bit.
I know I am not married to him and don't have children, but it's still hard to let go. I guess he just isn't who I thought he was all along and the messaging other women has completely floored me because he has always been so honest with me about his past and what he is up to. I will also add that the women he told that he was single lives in America, we are in the UK so the whole thing really doesn't make any sense as it isn't as if he would get the chance to do anything, but then again I really don't know who else he is messaging.
I have been there the last fw weeks when there has been drugs there and there is always some kind of discussion between us all about the drug use and how I disagree with it. They try to tell me that it isn't a problem and that once a week isn't excessive use. Maybe part of me started to believe them but deep down I know it's wrong. I have always hated the idea of all of that and find it so dirty and grubby for want of a better word.
Is this right? Is using it every week a problem? Is it likely to escalate? Is even using it at all a problem?
Can I ask what you mean when you say if you said one point or the other and the let the last time you spoke be the last time? I don't really understand that bit.
I know I am not married to him and don't have children, but it's still hard to let go. I guess he just isn't who I thought he was all along and the messaging other women has completely floored me because he has always been so honest with me about his past and what he is up to. I will also add that the women he told that he was single lives in America, we are in the UK so the whole thing really doesn't make any sense as it isn't as if he would get the chance to do anything, but then again I really don't know who else he is messaging.
I have been there the last fw weeks when there has been drugs there and there is always some kind of discussion between us all about the drug use and how I disagree with it. They try to tell me that it isn't a problem and that once a week isn't excessive use. Maybe part of me started to believe them but deep down I know it's wrong. I have always hated the idea of all of that and find it so dirty and grubby for want of a better word.
Is this right? Is using it every week a problem? Is it likely to escalate? Is even using it at all a problem?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
What i meant was that you presented 2 speaking points. One being the drug use, two being him being sorta sketchy and telling women he was single. Same continent or not, I would consider that a very big bright red flag. So what I meant was if you were saying either one of those things by itself, i would still say itd be good to move on, but you are saying both, so I say "Run" even more so. Personally, If I was dating a girl who lied to me and did something like that behind my back, the relationship would be over. If you can lie about one thing, you can lie about another. ESPECIALLY when having to do with issues of fidelity. I'd already consider that a step in the cheating direction. Personally. in my humble opinion.
(To be completely honest, I have views of marijuana use that probably go against most of the advice you'll get here, and for this situation probably isnt even helpful for you to hear. If you want someone to tell you that smoking weed once a week is a problem in and of itself, im not going to say "always". HOWEVER,) I would say theres an 85% chance that he isnt just smoking weed. Yes it can escalate. Yes, HIM using AT ALL is a problem. It would be very ignorant to think all of the following at the same time: that he 1. is for sure smoking weed 2. hangs out with people who smoke weed AND use other drugs 3. He is JUST smoking weed but not using heavier drugs. If he continues to hang out with those people, i PROMISE you. He either IS using harder drugs, or will.
again, all in my humble opinion. :\
(To be completely honest, I have views of marijuana use that probably go against most of the advice you'll get here, and for this situation probably isnt even helpful for you to hear. If you want someone to tell you that smoking weed once a week is a problem in and of itself, im not going to say "always". HOWEVER,) I would say theres an 85% chance that he isnt just smoking weed. Yes it can escalate. Yes, HIM using AT ALL is a problem. It would be very ignorant to think all of the following at the same time: that he 1. is for sure smoking weed 2. hangs out with people who smoke weed AND use other drugs 3. He is JUST smoking weed but not using heavier drugs. If he continues to hang out with those people, i PROMISE you. He either IS using harder drugs, or will.
again, all in my humble opinion. :\
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You might want to ask yourself why you would consider any use of illegal drugs okay?
I know for years my bar of standards was low. It got even lower when I married my addict (now deceased).
Today I have a much higher bar of standards, and I'm not the least bit interested in someone who finds it necessary to chemically alter his state of mind, regardless of frequency.
I want a partner who is 100% present in life.
I deserve that much.
I know for years my bar of standards was low. It got even lower when I married my addict (now deceased).
Today I have a much higher bar of standards, and I'm not the least bit interested in someone who finds it necessary to chemically alter his state of mind, regardless of frequency.
I want a partner who is 100% present in life.
I deserve that much.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by theshoefairy 
His attitude has changed dramatically and now he tells me that I am just trying to control him and mould him into what I want him to be.
He right and your following statement confirms this:.
This isn't the case at all. All I want him to do is to stop taking drugs, they are no good for him.
......I have found out that he has been messaging other women on facebook telling them he is newly single when he wasn't.
Almost everyone of us arrives here wanting their addict to stop with the drugs. Many of us learn that our wanting has no bearing on what happens. This guy has no intention of stopping drugs. You have no control over him or the outcome. His life. His choices.
Only thing you control is your own reaction. If being in a fake relationship with a drug addict is unacceptable, it's time to move on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Sigh. I think there is a script out there somewhere.
New relationship, all is "good". He admits using (substitute drinking or other hook), but he WANTS to slow down/ quit. And he is gonna try. For you.
A few weeks, or months.. the reality creeps up. He slowed down..for a few days. All of a sudden, this look is showing up in the eyes. If you pick up the vibes, you can tell him straight out...I DON'T WANT YOU TO GIVE IT UP FOR ME. IT WON'T WORK, IT HAS TO BE FOR YOURSELF, OR YOU WILL START RESENTING ME. AND SOONER OR LATER, THE WHOLE THING IS GONNA BLOW UP.
I knew it, I sensed it, I said it, I saw it coming.
And I still WANTED TO BELIEVE it could happen, it could be something real...
Until the day that they look you straight in the face, and admit..they are not gonna give up anything for you. No matter how much they care about you (and at the moment they said it, it probably was true, in their mind).
So, you are not sure in your mind, if I am talking about myself, or about you. I am talking about both of us.
The only thing that helped my pain was here. And seeing just how common the scenario is.
You are worth more. I am worth more. We all are worth more.
And all the love in the world isn't enough to force them to change.
New relationship, all is "good". He admits using (substitute drinking or other hook), but he WANTS to slow down/ quit. And he is gonna try. For you.
A few weeks, or months.. the reality creeps up. He slowed down..for a few days. All of a sudden, this look is showing up in the eyes. If you pick up the vibes, you can tell him straight out...I DON'T WANT YOU TO GIVE IT UP FOR ME. IT WON'T WORK, IT HAS TO BE FOR YOURSELF, OR YOU WILL START RESENTING ME. AND SOONER OR LATER, THE WHOLE THING IS GONNA BLOW UP.
I knew it, I sensed it, I said it, I saw it coming.
And I still WANTED TO BELIEVE it could happen, it could be something real...
Until the day that they look you straight in the face, and admit..they are not gonna give up anything for you. No matter how much they care about you (and at the moment they said it, it probably was true, in their mind).
So, you are not sure in your mind, if I am talking about myself, or about you. I am talking about both of us.
The only thing that helped my pain was here. And seeing just how common the scenario is.
You are worth more. I am worth more. We all are worth more.
And all the love in the world isn't enough to force them to change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am learning that I cannot believe what others say, I can only believe their actions.
This has been a long and hard road for me to get to.
What is he saying (verbally)?
How is he behaving?
Do they match up? If they don't I had to find that it is what they do not say that counts.
This has been a long and hard road for me to get to.
What is he saying (verbally)?
How is he behaving?
Do they match up? If they don't I had to find that it is what they do not say that counts.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi Shoe Fairy,
I think perhaps you need to seriously reread your post, and ask yourself, IF this was your best friend telling you this, what would you say to her?
I am betting you'd be telling her that this isn't the guy for her.
Heck, I sure wouldn't want him.
He lies
He controls.
He whines.
He does drugs.
He manipulates you.
The whole thing is a deal breaker for me.
I think perhaps you need to seriously reread your post, and ask yourself, IF this was your best friend telling you this, what would you say to her?
I am betting you'd be telling her that this isn't the guy for her.
Heck, I sure wouldn't want him.
He lies
He controls.
He whines.
He does drugs.
He manipulates you.
The whole thing is a deal breaker for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Hi - It sounds like you are starting out the relationship questioning it. I did the same. When I started dating my husband, I found instances of drug use and internet porn. I would confront him, we would fight about it, we would get back together.
We broke up several times, then after we got engaged, I starting questioning getting married to him. But, we got married.
Long story short, 7 years of marriage and daughter later, the issues that plagued our relationship in the beginning are the reasons I divorced him. Drugs, internet porn, lack of trust. He also was bi polar so that only complicated the issues.
I am not saying your boyfriend won't change - just listen to your instincts.
Hugs to you. And no matter what you do or decide - this group will be here to support you.
We broke up several times, then after we got engaged, I starting questioning getting married to him. But, we got married.
Long story short, 7 years of marriage and daughter later, the issues that plagued our relationship in the beginning are the reasons I divorced him. Drugs, internet porn, lack of trust. He also was bi polar so that only complicated the issues.
I am not saying your boyfriend won't change - just listen to your instincts.
Hugs to you. And no matter what you do or decide - this group will be here to support you.
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
Hi, Theshoefairy:
Dump him. You deserve better. You are better than how you are being treated.
What do you really have that is worth the pain, misery of hanging on? Re-read what Mooselips said.
Alanon is a good group for support. Important for you now is the concept of letting go. For your wellfare, for your health, for your heart, for your sanity. Easier said than done, and certainly easier when you have "a set of tail lights to follow" as I like to say.
Dump him. You deserve better. You are better than how you are being treated.
What do you really have that is worth the pain, misery of hanging on? Re-read what Mooselips said.
Alanon is a good group for support. Important for you now is the concept of letting go. For your wellfare, for your health, for your heart, for your sanity. Easier said than done, and certainly easier when you have "a set of tail lights to follow" as I like to say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your replies. It has been a great help.
To answer a few questions.... It isn't just weed. He has a history of drug use and as far as I know has tried everything apart from heroin. Right now, every weekend it's cocaine or mcat (sp?) I am not sure if it is my imagination but I have noticed a drastic change in his attitude towards me. There have been times lately where he has been very nasty. He said last week that he will give up the drugs but now tells me that basically he can do what he wants.
It was only a few months ago that he was talking of getting engaged soon and getting our own place and I have told him this won't happen as long as he is still taking drugs. Then he told me that he is still in his 20's and still enjoying himself and will give up the drugs on his 30th birthday which is about a year and half away. It's all pretty messed up.
To answer a few questions.... It isn't just weed. He has a history of drug use and as far as I know has tried everything apart from heroin. Right now, every weekend it's cocaine or mcat (sp?) I am not sure if it is my imagination but I have noticed a drastic change in his attitude towards me. There have been times lately where he has been very nasty. He said last week that he will give up the drugs but now tells me that basically he can do what he wants.
It was only a few months ago that he was talking of getting engaged soon and getting our own place and I have told him this won't happen as long as he is still taking drugs. Then he told me that he is still in his 20's and still enjoying himself and will give up the drugs on his 30th birthday which is about a year and half away. It's all pretty messed up.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
awww shoefairy,
My heart hurts for you, because he already has you sucked in, and you feel like a partof you loves him. Plus, you were probably comfortable in the relationship, as to, trying to find/date someone else, if you get what I mean.
BUT, there are so many red flags popping uo all over the place here, your life will just be drama, and heartache over and over if you stay hooked up with this guy.
Sometimes we need to be strong. Look deep inside ourselves and try to analyze what makes us have feelings, for people who do not deserve those feelings.
My suggestion would be....
Attend Alanon
Buy the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie...(an oldie but goody)
Get a grip on what makes you tick. (Or your next guy make be a deja-Vu guy)
Gain some strength.
You are such a beautiful, and smart gal, why settle for less than the best?
Hugs and hugs........
My heart hurts for you, because he already has you sucked in, and you feel like a partof you loves him. Plus, you were probably comfortable in the relationship, as to, trying to find/date someone else, if you get what I mean.
BUT, there are so many red flags popping uo all over the place here, your life will just be drama, and heartache over and over if you stay hooked up with this guy.
Sometimes we need to be strong. Look deep inside ourselves and try to analyze what makes us have feelings, for people who do not deserve those feelings.
My suggestion would be....
Attend Alanon
Buy the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie...(an oldie but goody)
Get a grip on what makes you tick. (Or your next guy make be a deja-Vu guy)
Gain some strength.
You are such a beautiful, and smart gal, why settle for less than the best?
Hugs and hugs........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
he tells me that I am just trying to control him and mould him into what I want him to be. This isn't the case at all. All I want him to do is to stop taking drugs, they are no good for him.
now on top of everything else I have found out that he has been messaging other women on facebook telling them he is newly single when he wasn't.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Unfortunately, we can't make someone else change. We do have the right to not accept someone elses drug use and put some boundaries in place. But boundaries have everything to do with ourselves and what we will and will not tolerate and have absolutely nothing to do with what someone else needs to do for us.
Stick around. Read. Learn. Explore. Discover yourself.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4
You are all right. Everything I have read on here so far makes a lot of sense. I didn't really see it as control, I was just trying to stop him from doing something which is harmful to him. I think I realise now that there is nothing I can say or do to stop him. I have now told him this too. It is very annoying though because I could have walked away months ago but everytime I told him I want to break up he pleaded and promised me that he would stop the drugs. I just can't understand why they would risk losing a relationship over something like this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by theshoefairy
You are all right. Everything I have read on here so far makes a lot of sense. I didn't really see it as control, I was just trying to stop him from doing something which is harmful to him. I think I realise now that there is nothing I can say or do to stop him. I have now told him this too. It is very annoying though because I could have walked away months ago but everytime I told him I want to break up he pleaded and promised me that he would stop the drugs. I just can't understand why they would risk losing a relationship over something like this.
He's been and continues to manipulate you. That's what addicts do.
Yes, you could have walked away in the past and you can do so going forward, any time you want. Drugs are his first love. Absolutely nothing comes between him and drugs. ( Pun on the very old Calvin Klein ad intended).
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
He's not going to magically snap out of this on his 30th birthday. If you stick around, treble up on the birth control. Parenthood does not cure addiction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
My AH said he would stop drinking if he went over 200lbs.
He said he would stop if it interfered with his ability to pay bills.
He said he would stop if it put his children in danger.
He said he would stop if it affected our relationship.
He has done EVERY SINGLE ONE of these things.
...see a pattern here?
He can say wonderful things all day long, promise you that he'll quit a million different ways.
Actions speak louder than words.
He said he would stop if it interfered with his ability to pay bills.
He said he would stop if it put his children in danger.
He said he would stop if it affected our relationship.
He has done EVERY SINGLE ONE of these things.
...see a pattern here?
He can say wonderful things all day long, promise you that he'll quit a million different ways.
Actions speak louder than words.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by theshoefairy
I just can't understand why they would risk losing a relationship over something like this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 5
many of us are related by blood to an addict ( child ) ..that is painful enough ..we love unconditionally ... we suffer the ups and downs of addiction and recovery...
this is not your spouse or your child...
you have invested a very small amount of time in this relationship ( 11 months )...im with mooselips...
RUN...let him get healthy ..it will take a long time...
You need to find a healthy relationship..they are enough work ..without tossing in disease from the get go..
peace and strength!
this is not your spouse or your child...
you have invested a very small amount of time in this relationship ( 11 months )...im with mooselips...
RUN...let him get healthy ..it will take a long time...
You need to find a healthy relationship..they are enough work ..without tossing in disease from the get go..
peace and strength!
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