Please Don't Lie To Me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
Please Don't Lie To Me...
I was wondering what people thought of this...
When your significant other is trying to help you along on your path to recovery but tells you that they don't want you to lie to them or hide the drink and if you do they want you to tell them, should you?
If they let you have a drink or two and then you have one or two without them knowing the next day should you come right up to them and tell them that you relapsed...or had a few more drinks?
I am just curious...
You could either keep your mouth shut and everything can go along with no problems...or you can end up telling them...and a huge fight is possible...lots of disappointment and sadness...
I am trying here...
I had 17 days of sobriety and relapsed...I was doing well...I didn't enjoy drinking last night to be honest...I even got to a point at some time last night where I thought to myself "this isn't fun and I don't want to do this anymore"...there was some booze left today though and I ended up drinking it. I am in no way drunk or even buzzed...I still feel guilty...but if I tell my significant other then a huge problem may occur...crying even...I don't know...
I feel guilt...I hate booze...I like being sober actually even though sometimes I do still think of alcohol..or even if it pops into my head once or twice a day...I loved going to sleep sober and waking up with no hangover...
It's just the alcoholic brain I guess...
I just would like to hear some other people's opinions on this.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Big hugs.
When your significant other is trying to help you along on your path to recovery but tells you that they don't want you to lie to them or hide the drink and if you do they want you to tell them, should you?
If they let you have a drink or two and then you have one or two without them knowing the next day should you come right up to them and tell them that you relapsed...or had a few more drinks?
I am just curious...
You could either keep your mouth shut and everything can go along with no problems...or you can end up telling them...and a huge fight is possible...lots of disappointment and sadness...
I am trying here...
I had 17 days of sobriety and relapsed...I was doing well...I didn't enjoy drinking last night to be honest...I even got to a point at some time last night where I thought to myself "this isn't fun and I don't want to do this anymore"...there was some booze left today though and I ended up drinking it. I am in no way drunk or even buzzed...I still feel guilty...but if I tell my significant other then a huge problem may occur...crying even...I don't know...
I feel guilt...I hate booze...I like being sober actually even though sometimes I do still think of alcohol..or even if it pops into my head once or twice a day...I loved going to sleep sober and waking up with no hangover...
It's just the alcoholic brain I guess...
I just would like to hear some other people's opinions on this.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Big hugs.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
your significant other is trying to help you along on your path to recovery
If they let you have a drink or two
Letting you have a 'drink or two' is not helping you along on your path to recovery, in my opinion. As far as being honest with them... it's up to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Batavia il
Posts: 19
I believe that in a long term committed relationship 100% honesty is crucial. With communication and respect a relationship can overcome anything. Except of course physical abuse. I won't even attempt to tell you how to live your life, just what I expect in my marriage.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
If I have to rationalize anything in recovery then I know I am in trouble. Making bargains and cutting corners on things are warning signs to me too.
White lies are a "no no" for me as well. When I tell white lies to other people, this always leads me to lie to myself eventually and that's when I end up relapsing.
It's a journey.
White lies are a "no no" for me as well. When I tell white lies to other people, this always leads me to lie to myself eventually and that's when I end up relapsing.
It's a journey.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
bayliss
I really think you need to take responsibility for your own recovery - we all do.
Relying on someone else is always fraught with problems - especially if that other person doesn't really understand and lets you have a drink or two.
They may not understand it doesn't work that way - but you do.
Support from our loved ones is great, if we have it - but run your own recovery Bayliss - it really is vital. Noone else can keep you sober but you.
As for telling - I believe honesty is vital in a relationship - unless that honesty might put you in danger or something - doesn't sound like that's the case here, tho?
If someone asked me to tell them, and then I didn't, and I was later found out - I wouldn't expect it to be a great time.
You're the best judge of whats best for your relationship tho, Bayliss
D
I really think you need to take responsibility for your own recovery - we all do.
Relying on someone else is always fraught with problems - especially if that other person doesn't really understand and lets you have a drink or two.
They may not understand it doesn't work that way - but you do.
Support from our loved ones is great, if we have it - but run your own recovery Bayliss - it really is vital. Noone else can keep you sober but you.
As for telling - I believe honesty is vital in a relationship - unless that honesty might put you in danger or something - doesn't sound like that's the case here, tho?
If someone asked me to tell them, and then I didn't, and I was later found out - I wouldn't expect it to be a great time.
You're the best judge of whats best for your relationship tho, Bayliss
D
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hey Bayliss-
I think honesty is crucial, but I know until I was 100% committed to my recovery that honesty with anyone wasn't possible. I'm not in a relationship though, so I can't speak to that.
Praying for you!
I think honesty is crucial, but I know until I was 100% committed to my recovery that honesty with anyone wasn't possible. I'm not in a relationship though, so I can't speak to that.
Praying for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Dee74 
bayliss
I really think you need to take responsibility for your own recovery - we all do.
Relying on someone else is always fraught with problems - especially if that other person doesn't really understand and lets you have a drink or two.
They may not understand it doesn't work that way - but you do.
Support from our loved ones is great, if we have it - but run your own recovery Bayliss - it really is vital. Noone else can keep you sober but you.
As for telling - I believe honesty is vital in a relationship - unless that honesty might put you in danger or something - doesn't sound like that's the case here, tho?
If someone asked me to tell them, and then I didn't, and I was later found out - I wouldn't expect it to be a great time.
You're the best judge of whats best for your relationship tho, Bayliss
D
I really think you need to take responsibility for your own recovery - we all do.
Relying on someone else is always fraught with problems - especially if that other person doesn't really understand and lets you have a drink or two.
They may not understand it doesn't work that way - but you do.
Support from our loved ones is great, if we have it - but run your own recovery Bayliss - it really is vital. Noone else can keep you sober but you.
As for telling - I believe honesty is vital in a relationship - unless that honesty might put you in danger or something - doesn't sound like that's the case here, tho?
If someone asked me to tell them, and then I didn't, and I was later found out - I wouldn't expect it to be a great time.
You're the best judge of whats best for your relationship tho, Bayliss
D
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by bayliss
You could either keep your mouth shut and everything can go along with no problems
I agree with the others. Being in charge of my own recovery was the only way. Allowing others to take control kept me stuck.
best to you. I hope you find peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
Thanks to everyone for posting.
I am curious what you all mean by me taking charge of my own recovery?
To keep you all posted - I did end up telling him...I was too afraid to tell him to his face so I did it through a text...he wasn't upset with me, which I was surprised but didn't push it, but he did say that he doesn't understand and did ask me questions as to why I hid it and how I went about it.
I feel a lot of guilt when I hide it from him...it's weird...when the booze is there and I want to have it - or rather, feel like I need to have it - I will do it without thinking of the consequences or how I will feel afterwards...and then after it happens I regret it. :/
The anxiety after drinking last night and today is annoying.
I am curious what you all mean by me taking charge of my own recovery?
To keep you all posted - I did end up telling him...I was too afraid to tell him to his face so I did it through a text...he wasn't upset with me, which I was surprised but didn't push it, but he did say that he doesn't understand and did ask me questions as to why I hid it and how I went about it.
I feel a lot of guilt when I hide it from him...it's weird...when the booze is there and I want to have it - or rather, feel like I need to have it - I will do it without thinking of the consequences or how I will feel afterwards...and then after it happens I regret it. :/
The anxiety after drinking last night and today is annoying.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Maybe it was just the language....but you said your bf 'let' you have a couple of drinks, he wants to know when you drink, you were worried about telling him...
It almost sounded like it was his recovery, not yours - your priority and your responsibility for your sobriety needs to be on you, Bayliss, not on him
do you get me?
D
It almost sounded like it was his recovery, not yours - your priority and your responsibility for your sobriety needs to be on you, Bayliss, not on him
do you get me?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
I also believe that you should take control of your recovery. For me, that means doing it for yourself and not because your husband or someone else wants you to or is watching you. It's about the root of honesty, which is being honest with yourself. You need to care enough about yourself to do this for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Bayliss,
Once the alcohol stops working, and you start to feel worse every time you drink, you will eventually have to make a choice about which way to go. It is better to choose rather than be forced to choose, as I was.
Why not today? It will not be any easier to decide tomorrow, or the day after that. Trust me, all the back-and-forth start/stop cycles will wear you down, and it is better to get it over with sooner rather than later. Few have ever regretted quitting too early, but many regret having quit too late.
I know you can quit if you want to, but you will have to purposefully choose to suffer some discomfort in the short term in order to be happy in the long term. That's why it seems so hard, because willfully choosing discomfort is not what we are normally designed to do, but it is the only way.
It's difficult to see it where you are now, but you just have to take that leap of faith. It is the only way out of this prison. You must choose, though, not anyone else.
Once the alcohol stops working, and you start to feel worse every time you drink, you will eventually have to make a choice about which way to go. It is better to choose rather than be forced to choose, as I was.
Why not today? It will not be any easier to decide tomorrow, or the day after that. Trust me, all the back-and-forth start/stop cycles will wear you down, and it is better to get it over with sooner rather than later. Few have ever regretted quitting too early, but many regret having quit too late.
I know you can quit if you want to, but you will have to purposefully choose to suffer some discomfort in the short term in order to be happy in the long term. That's why it seems so hard, because willfully choosing discomfort is not what we are normally designed to do, but it is the only way.
It's difficult to see it where you are now, but you just have to take that leap of faith. It is the only way out of this prison. You must choose, though, not anyone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
Is that what my problem is then? That I actually don't want to quit and I keep making excuses to relapse?
I sometimes sit there and question myself whether or not I want to be sober.
I don't want to die and I don't want this alcoholism to debilitate me.
I am doing this for him, aren't I?
I always ask him if I can have a drink or two. If I can buy some wine with dinner. If I can drink over the weekend.
Everything that comes out of my mouth is some sort of way to try to manipulate him into letting me drink.
Everytime he forgives me for drinking I always push it to the next time I drink and hope he forgives me.
Is it tough love on his behalf?
That's what I don't get.
Everyone says that you can't force an addict to quit. But what about the tough love to get them there? If that isn't what it is called then what is it?
If I'm not doing it for myself or for him then what?
I sit there and desperately don't want this hanging over my head or having a stronghold over me but how do I stop it? Is it just my addiction-addled brain? Have I just not hit my rock bottom? I don't get it. I keep going out and buying more booze. I didn't almost a month total of not drinking but then relapse for at least five days, maybe not necessarily heavily but still none the less.
Does anyone have an thorough questions I should ask myself to get a better understanding of what I am putting myself through or maybe even may potentially put myself through in the future?
Just confused.
Now I don't know if I did this for myself all all along or just lied to myself and just followed through on an ultimatum all along.
I sometimes sit there and question myself whether or not I want to be sober.
I don't want to die and I don't want this alcoholism to debilitate me.
I am doing this for him, aren't I?
I always ask him if I can have a drink or two. If I can buy some wine with dinner. If I can drink over the weekend.
Everything that comes out of my mouth is some sort of way to try to manipulate him into letting me drink.
Everytime he forgives me for drinking I always push it to the next time I drink and hope he forgives me.
Is it tough love on his behalf?
That's what I don't get.
Everyone says that you can't force an addict to quit. But what about the tough love to get them there? If that isn't what it is called then what is it?
If I'm not doing it for myself or for him then what?
I sit there and desperately don't want this hanging over my head or having a stronghold over me but how do I stop it? Is it just my addiction-addled brain? Have I just not hit my rock bottom? I don't get it. I keep going out and buying more booze. I didn't almost a month total of not drinking but then relapse for at least five days, maybe not necessarily heavily but still none the less.
Does anyone have an thorough questions I should ask myself to get a better understanding of what I am putting myself through or maybe even may potentially put myself through in the future?
Just confused.
Now I don't know if I did this for myself all all along or just lied to myself and just followed through on an ultimatum all along.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Do YOU want to quit drinking? That is the question you need to answer. Decide how you feel about about what the alcohol is doing to do you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
bayliss,
Don't worry about tough love, rock bottom, or any of that other stuff.
Ask yourself this:
Is what you are doing causing you problems?
If it is, wouldn't it be smart to stop doing it?
Don't worry about tough love, rock bottom, or any of that other stuff.
Ask yourself this:
Is what you are doing causing you problems?
If it is, wouldn't it be smart to stop doing it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 34
Totally agree with all of the above posters. I also used my husband's "permission" as an excuse to drink. I KNEW he wanted to please me more than anything. So if I asked him if it was OK to have a glass (or 7) of wine during a nice dinner out, of course he would say yes. Simply because he knew I WANTED him to say yes. I have read many of your posts and I think our circumstances are very similar. Don't make him responsible for your sobriety. Soberlicious is exactly right.. do YOU wan't to stop? You have to force yourself to take responsibility for your actions and successes!
You sound like you have an SO who really loves you and wants to please you. You mention an ultimatum, but I haven't seen a post that mentions your SO doing any such thing. I might have missed it but it seems like you are really dealing with an enabler here. You asked for no lies so I am telling you to look deep inside yourself and outline YOUR needs/wants for YOUR future. The rest will fall into place.
Much love... JBB
You sound like you have an SO who really loves you and wants to please you. You mention an ultimatum, but I haven't seen a post that mentions your SO doing any such thing. I might have missed it but it seems like you are really dealing with an enabler here. You asked for no lies so I am telling you to look deep inside yourself and outline YOUR needs/wants for YOUR future. The rest will fall into place.
Much love... JBB
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
