What do I do next?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
What do I do next?
It's been awhile since I posted. It's been 3 weeks now since the divorce and he's still living with me, ugh. The house is mine and I will pay him monthly for his portion of the house, that is what the house would sell for now in this market. So, instead of kicking him out on the day of the divorce I gave him until the end of Sept to find a place to live and move out, well he's in denial of the divorce and moving on. He is so end stage that he has dementia can hardly talk and half the time doesn't know what end is up (of course still drinking even though I called the local police and informed them of this that he drives to get his vodka) and he refuses to move out. What the heck do I do? I can't go through another detox and watching him. Do I go out and rent him a place to live? I'm at my wits end. I just had surgery again the fourth time in four years can you say immune system is low, thank God my daughter and son who took care of me after surgery until I recovered. My retainer with my lawyer is depleted so now what? Do I call the police and kick him to the curb? Probably not seeing I need some court order to remove him. I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. Every day I think is his last day on earth, it's so sad remembering what he was like when I met him, but he's gone. The really sad thing is I'm still the same person who loved him for 39 yrs. and has a hard time kicking him out to die, even though the one I loved has been dead for years now.
Any advise would help, thanks.
Any advise would help, thanks.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My goodness, the marriage is either over or its not. What did you two agree to in the martial settlement agreement? Was he to move out immediately, if so, he has till September 30th to be gone, or, I would go back to your attorney to resolve the issue.
If he is capable of driving to the booze store, he is capable of finding himself a place to live.
Talking about what to do is not going to accomplish a thing, either you want him gone or you do not, it is just that simple. It is all about action.
I am sorry that you cannot let go, until you do, your health and well-being will contine to suffer, it is your choice, you or him.
If he is capable of driving to the booze store, he is capable of finding himself a place to live.
Talking about what to do is not going to accomplish a thing, either you want him gone or you do not, it is just that simple. It is all about action.
I am sorry that you cannot let go, until you do, your health and well-being will contine to suffer, it is your choice, you or him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((fedup)))
He knew the divorce was coming, he had plenty of time to prepare himself and look for someplace to live, there is nothing you can do to save him, he can only save himself.
If it were me, I would make sure I knew what it said in the divorce decree and then give him 24 hours to get out. If it will make you feel better, maybe rent him a hotel room for one night.......
I'm sorry you still have this stress in your life, but you are under no obligation to make sure he is OK.
Hoping and praying for a peaceful resolution for you!
HG
He knew the divorce was coming, he had plenty of time to prepare himself and look for someplace to live, there is nothing you can do to save him, he can only save himself.
If it were me, I would make sure I knew what it said in the divorce decree and then give him 24 hours to get out. If it will make you feel better, maybe rent him a hotel room for one night.......
I'm sorry you still have this stress in your life, but you are under no obligation to make sure he is OK.
Hoping and praying for a peaceful resolution for you!
HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I wish it were that simple. He's not a person sober or drunk that would go easily. He was a Ranger in Viet Nam so he's not a person who you can rent him a hotel room and he goes quietly that's why I am on my own because no one wants to deal with him but me, I'm it. If I could bodily drag him somewhere I would.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't know what to say fedup3, I think when you allowed him to stay after the divorce and gave him till the end of Sept, you enabled him. He now probably thinks that you will never throw him out.
I would tell him again, put it in writing, and then stay out of the house as much as possible till the end of Sept, if he is still there then, call the police and have him removed, if you feel bad about it, yes, then rent him a room for the night.
You're too nice of a person, and I really feel for you.
I would tell him again, put it in writing, and then stay out of the house as much as possible till the end of Sept, if he is still there then, call the police and have him removed, if you feel bad about it, yes, then rent him a room for the night.
You're too nice of a person, and I really feel for you.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
FedUp3-Do You know what the word Co-Dependant means? Probably so......I do as I used to be that way....taking everyone's crap.........don't rent him a room, if he can by booze-he can rent his own room. My father served in Nam , too and my Mom never had him put out by the cops?????? Your hubby needs to go......the longer he stays, the longer he thinks you still care..........don't go there again. PLease, you are not the only one that can get him out.......there is a thing called law enforcement, restraining orders etc....use them.
You sound like you are in a little denial here. Make him go.
You are in my prayers,
Blessings,
Kahlia
You sound like you are in a little denial here. Make him go.
You are in my prayers,
Blessings,
Kahlia
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bay area, ca
Posts: 87
Good luck, FedUp3 - what a tough/sad situation to be in. This disease is terrible. Don't feel guilty about having to make decisions that are in your best interests. Sounds like you are going thru a lot of health and emotional problems due to all this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((fedup)))
I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this position. In spite of the fact that you do not want the police involved, they may be your only option.
If you are that afraid of him, then you certainly have the option of filing a restraining order against him.
You say that he is some big tough ranger who served in vietnam and yet he wants you to believe that he is helpless and can't cope without you? One of these statements can't be true.........
I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this position. In spite of the fact that you do not want the police involved, they may be your only option.
If you are that afraid of him, then you certainly have the option of filing a restraining order against him.
You say that he is some big tough ranger who served in vietnam and yet he wants you to believe that he is helpless and can't cope without you? One of these statements can't be true.........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What a horribly yucky situation to be in, fedup! I am very sorry.
What comes to my mind here is intervention. No...not the addictions intervention we see and hear about, but intervention with law enforcement. Having had experience with mental illness, I've come across some really outstanding police officers who have been trained in crisis intervention so if you call for help, request someone who has had this kind of training. They come in softly, not with guns a-blazing!
Secondly, you say he is having dementia symptoms, probably related to alcohol. Have you gone after any kind of VA services? A VA home? and if he is a Vietnam vet, I imagine he's in his 60's if not older? Does he have an actual diagnosis of dementia? Having an intervention with some services on stand by would help smooth the transition of getting him out of the home.
Hang in there. You've been strong all along - don't quit now! ; )
What comes to my mind here is intervention. No...not the addictions intervention we see and hear about, but intervention with law enforcement. Having had experience with mental illness, I've come across some really outstanding police officers who have been trained in crisis intervention so if you call for help, request someone who has had this kind of training. They come in softly, not with guns a-blazing!
Secondly, you say he is having dementia symptoms, probably related to alcohol. Have you gone after any kind of VA services? A VA home? and if he is a Vietnam vet, I imagine he's in his 60's if not older? Does he have an actual diagnosis of dementia? Having an intervention with some services on stand by would help smooth the transition of getting him out of the home.
Hang in there. You've been strong all along - don't quit now! ; )
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
What is stipulated in the divorce agreement about his leaving? If it's Sept 30 then you can call the police after that date bc he'll be trespassing and have him removed.
I think he understands just fine what's happening since he is able to find money and drive and buy alcohol he clearly has enough mental facilities left to understand that he must leave. I think he's betting you won't make him leave.
If I were you I know I'd be hoping he'd "get it" and get out and get a place on his own and not make me be the bad guy. But... did he do anything for himself when you were married? did he take initiative and make tough decisions? I am guessing that like me, you were his wife and his mother and you were in charge of making all decisions bc he just sat waiting for things to happen to him so that he could then play victim. And it sure looks from here that that's precisely what he is doing.
I would tell him clearly that Sept 30 is the end and that you will have him removed by the police if he hasn't left by that date. It's your house. You have that right.
I think he understands just fine what's happening since he is able to find money and drive and buy alcohol he clearly has enough mental facilities left to understand that he must leave. I think he's betting you won't make him leave.
If I were you I know I'd be hoping he'd "get it" and get out and get a place on his own and not make me be the bad guy. But... did he do anything for himself when you were married? did he take initiative and make tough decisions? I am guessing that like me, you were his wife and his mother and you were in charge of making all decisions bc he just sat waiting for things to happen to him so that he could then play victim. And it sure looks from here that that's precisely what he is doing.
I would tell him clearly that Sept 30 is the end and that you will have him removed by the police if he hasn't left by that date. It's your house. You have that right.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Thank you all for responding and you'll all right about what I need to do. In the divorce it states that if he won't leave I can have him removed and he would have to pay for cost of doing it. I've depleted my retainer with my lawyer so if I need to pay her and then deduct from him what I give him a month so be it. She would be able to tell what my next move should be and I should have called before now.
Yes wtb, I was his mother, wife, babysitter and the person who always cleaned up his messes. I'm trying not to get my soul bitter bc that would only keep hurting me and certainly not him. I'm the one who has had 4 surgeries in 4 years and he was never there for me, could it be he doesn't care? You betcha, it's all about him. He's bullied me since the first day I met him, the wimpy me just took it. No one should get married until they're 25. I think I only did it to get out of my house from my mother who just happens to be very much like him. It's all about them and there's never too much to ask of me in their eyes. I'm only exist to serve them. I think I mentioned before that my EXAH told maybe I was placed on this earth to take care of him!!!
Yes wtb, I was his mother, wife, babysitter and the person who always cleaned up his messes. I'm trying not to get my soul bitter bc that would only keep hurting me and certainly not him. I'm the one who has had 4 surgeries in 4 years and he was never there for me, could it be he doesn't care? You betcha, it's all about him. He's bullied me since the first day I met him, the wimpy me just took it. No one should get married until they're 25. I think I only did it to get out of my house from my mother who just happens to be very much like him. It's all about them and there's never too much to ask of me in their eyes. I'm only exist to serve them. I think I mentioned before that my EXAH told maybe I was placed on this earth to take care of him!!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Maybe it's time to stand up and be counted. There is a reason why you continue to do the same things and expect a different result.
Get in touch with your attorney, do what the attorney instructs you to do, stop playing his mommy. If you continue this behavior, you will be dead and he will still be roaming around abusing others. Time to put yourself first, your well being.
Get in touch with your attorney, do what the attorney instructs you to do, stop playing his mommy. If you continue this behavior, you will be dead and he will still be roaming around abusing others. Time to put yourself first, your well being.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yes, you made it this far, you are strong, you can do this, you deserve a life of peace and happiness, this is your chance...don't let it go.
I know that I can speak for others here, we care about you, your well being, we are walking along side you, there is strength in numbers, draw from us and you will be strong.
I know that I can speak for others here, we care about you, your well being, we are walking along side you, there is strength in numbers, draw from us and you will be strong.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
You are doing good. I just wanted to drop by and give you my support as well. I join the others in the opinion that the law may need to be called if he refuses to leave. I’m glad you will be contacting your lawyer for advice.
You have come this far already; don't hand your ticket to the carny to get back on the roller coaster. Stay strong. You deserve peace and happiness.
You have come this far already; don't hand your ticket to the carny to get back on the roller coaster. Stay strong. You deserve peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
He's manipulated you without saying a word. Like another poster pointed out...he knew you filed for divorce. He had plenty of time to find another place to live but he chose not to. and you have chosen to continue to take care of him.
You need to go drop him off at the VA. You are divorced you no longer responsible for one another and it's time you move on.
You need to go drop him off at the VA. You are divorced you no longer responsible for one another and it's time you move on.
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