The Bottom Just Keeps Getting Lower ...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
The Bottom Just Keeps Getting Lower ...
Sometimes it all seems so tolerable. You just keep going and eventually it seems you accept it for what it is, which seems far easier than facing the mess you really got yourself into. You become stronger, in a strange way, all while tolerating and dealing with things that should be destroying your whole being - totally and completely ... and you continue to believe 'that which doesn't kill you - makes you stronger' ...
My mother is on her way home from a 3 week stay at the hospital where she has lost another 20 pounds and is down to 70. The doctor gives her no hope and possibly a few weeks to live. We will do everything we can to make whatever time she has left as comfortable as is possible (and happy - if one can say that). My heart is breaking but I have to be strong for her.
Last weekend we were on our way to see an old friend of mine. ABF/H got drunk - first thing in the morning, so of course I had to drive the big truck. Not that I minded all that much. Just that he was drinking straight vodka on a Saturday morning when we were planning a nice day. What a mess that turned out to be. He dropped a lit cigarette between the seats so I pulled the truck over on the highway. I got out and opened the back door. He had pulled his seat forward to get a better look and sure enough the cigarette was caught in the tract where the seat slides back and forth. I pulled it out and handed it to him but noticed a piece of paper in there and thought it might have been starting to burn a little. As I went to pull it out, he slid the seat back, which in turn mangled my finger. I screamed that my finger was broken. It wasn't a pretty sight - mashed in on both sides with the nail half off. I was in shock and all I knew was that I had to get to the hospital fast. All he knew was that he had to make sure that I - and everyone else - knew that it was MY fault and MY stupidity. So while I tried calmly to take the wheel to drive the 15 minutes to the hospital, with my finger spewing blood, he proceeded to call me a dumb, stupid c*nt, idiot all the way there, just to make sure I had it well into my head that it wasn't HIS fault, by the time we got to the hospital. I had never once blamed him because I knew it was a freak accident, although if he hadn't been drunk, he'd likely have heard me say - 'wait - there's a piece of paper in here I should take out' - but whatever ...
At the hospital he made sure that I told them I'd slammed the car door on my finger - which I did lie about - just to prove to him that I didn't blame him. They even questioned - twice- if I had done it myself. Twenty stitches later to put my finger back together - I went home to spend the day and night alone (while he was passed out) feeling as though someone was pounding my finger with a hammer. Even on 2 separate antibiotics and painkillers. Oh joy. But what hurt the most was how he treated me. He later said that he hadn't realized how bad it was. How many people yell at a person who is badly injured? I know I've never done that.
Then last night, while drunk, he called this girl from his work. It was the second time I caught him doing it. The first I'd been out and came home in the middle of the call, which he'd had on speaker. He was drunk and had lied that she had called him, worrying about me and my mother (she barely knows me) and when I hit redial - I saw that he had called her. 'Oh - it was about something she was selling at work and I hadn't had time to tell her I would buy it'. This morning I noticed the back door was left open when I closed and locked it before we went to bed so I got suspicious again why he was up in the night and hit redial and he'd called her again. Confronted him today and it was that he had seen her crying at work and just wanted to find out if she was okay. Gag me with a spoon. Mister Nice Guy to everyone else - A**HOLE to ME! "Nothing's going on' and I'm supposed to let it go. Of course nothing's going on ... YET (I'd know) - but this is how you LEAD UP to something going on. This isn't my first rodeo and definitely not my first with him. Now I have to be a sleuth again? This is just insane, with all that's going on. I said the next time he did this it would be the last, but here I am too emotionally drained to deal with it.
Oh sometimes I just don't know why I even care about anything anymore. Life is so sad, and when you have this kind of support - why bother to have any? I need to focus on my mother. Not on what this A is doing to try to bring me lower than I ever thought I could go. Just venting - thanks for listening
My mother is on her way home from a 3 week stay at the hospital where she has lost another 20 pounds and is down to 70. The doctor gives her no hope and possibly a few weeks to live. We will do everything we can to make whatever time she has left as comfortable as is possible (and happy - if one can say that). My heart is breaking but I have to be strong for her.
Last weekend we were on our way to see an old friend of mine. ABF/H got drunk - first thing in the morning, so of course I had to drive the big truck. Not that I minded all that much. Just that he was drinking straight vodka on a Saturday morning when we were planning a nice day. What a mess that turned out to be. He dropped a lit cigarette between the seats so I pulled the truck over on the highway. I got out and opened the back door. He had pulled his seat forward to get a better look and sure enough the cigarette was caught in the tract where the seat slides back and forth. I pulled it out and handed it to him but noticed a piece of paper in there and thought it might have been starting to burn a little. As I went to pull it out, he slid the seat back, which in turn mangled my finger. I screamed that my finger was broken. It wasn't a pretty sight - mashed in on both sides with the nail half off. I was in shock and all I knew was that I had to get to the hospital fast. All he knew was that he had to make sure that I - and everyone else - knew that it was MY fault and MY stupidity. So while I tried calmly to take the wheel to drive the 15 minutes to the hospital, with my finger spewing blood, he proceeded to call me a dumb, stupid c*nt, idiot all the way there, just to make sure I had it well into my head that it wasn't HIS fault, by the time we got to the hospital. I had never once blamed him because I knew it was a freak accident, although if he hadn't been drunk, he'd likely have heard me say - 'wait - there's a piece of paper in here I should take out' - but whatever ...
At the hospital he made sure that I told them I'd slammed the car door on my finger - which I did lie about - just to prove to him that I didn't blame him. They even questioned - twice- if I had done it myself. Twenty stitches later to put my finger back together - I went home to spend the day and night alone (while he was passed out) feeling as though someone was pounding my finger with a hammer. Even on 2 separate antibiotics and painkillers. Oh joy. But what hurt the most was how he treated me. He later said that he hadn't realized how bad it was. How many people yell at a person who is badly injured? I know I've never done that.
Then last night, while drunk, he called this girl from his work. It was the second time I caught him doing it. The first I'd been out and came home in the middle of the call, which he'd had on speaker. He was drunk and had lied that she had called him, worrying about me and my mother (she barely knows me) and when I hit redial - I saw that he had called her. 'Oh - it was about something she was selling at work and I hadn't had time to tell her I would buy it'. This morning I noticed the back door was left open when I closed and locked it before we went to bed so I got suspicious again why he was up in the night and hit redial and he'd called her again. Confronted him today and it was that he had seen her crying at work and just wanted to find out if she was okay. Gag me with a spoon. Mister Nice Guy to everyone else - A**HOLE to ME! "Nothing's going on' and I'm supposed to let it go. Of course nothing's going on ... YET (I'd know) - but this is how you LEAD UP to something going on. This isn't my first rodeo and definitely not my first with him. Now I have to be a sleuth again? This is just insane, with all that's going on. I said the next time he did this it would be the last, but here I am too emotionally drained to deal with it.
Oh sometimes I just don't know why I even care about anything anymore. Life is so sad, and when you have this kind of support - why bother to have any? I need to focus on my mother. Not on what this A is doing to try to bring me lower than I ever thought I could go. Just venting - thanks for listening
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
He is abusive toward you and forces you to lie about it. He is calling other women with you in his presence and he is an out of control alcoholic who will do god only knows what to you. He sounds downright dangerous and I am frightened for you. You don't deserve this and you really might want to consider where you can go to get away from him since I imagine if you demand he leave, that won't happen.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thanks Scaredy - that's what everyone usually says but he has brainwashed me into believing that I overreact to things and he doesn't really mean it when he does those things and that he loves me so. I know I'm brainwashed, because when I write them out and describe them to others, they sound so horrible. He always tries to make up for it ... until the next time and every time I give in. I wish someday I would just stop giving in and being a 'scaredy cat' which I obviously am too ...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My dear, I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure all of that. You DO NOT DESERVE any of this......IMHO, you are being abused.
It is your choice whether or not you stay....and I understand that making any sort of big change is extraordinarily scary. I just want to let you know we are here for you and support you no matter what.
I hope and pray that you will find your way to a peaceful and violence-free future!
Hugs, HG
It is your choice whether or not you stay....and I understand that making any sort of big change is extraordinarily scary. I just want to let you know we are here for you and support you no matter what.
I hope and pray that you will find your way to a peaceful and violence-free future!
Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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I also am frightened by what you write. I am scared for you. I have been in a place for a long time where I believe what people tell me, instead of their actions and I understand that feeling.
You deserve people talking and acting better in your presence though.
You deserve people talking and acting better in your presence though.
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