Tyler312

I post here sporadically so I don't know if anyone remembers any of my issues with my AW... but I decided to leave the house on Monday to sleep elsewhere. I am continuing to sleep at work.

I left because of her lies and deceit about her continued substance abuse. She pleaded with me as I walked out the door... "please don't go".

Then she got angry... really angry. Everything is my fault. She came up with reasons for missing pills. She said me leaving is creating a bad environment for her. She told me there is so much more I don't know (not sure why she even said that... I think in her mind she is better than before so that is good enough).

Luckily I know that is all addict talk!

And luckily, thanks to many people on this forum, I have been attending Nar-Anon (four meetings so far) and that helps a lot.

Last night's meeting was sort of a miracle... right at the end someone said "honesty is the cure". That is what I need to figure out do I go back home or do I stay away and start divorce proceedings.

I could not handle her dishonesty... and I left. Due to the nature of her problem, she got angry and directed a lot of rage onto me. She is apologetic, but still not honest with me. So that is it... if she cannot be honest with me, we are done.

Sorry I like venting!

Nothing changes if nothing changes....

dollydo

Vent away! For my part, I think that you have made a good decision. This time away will help you to get your marbles all back in one bag.

Take care.....Dolly

Farfalla

My personal opinion is give it some time before you start divorce proceedings. Space is what you need now. Work on yourself. Honesty is very important in any relationship. Everyone keeps telling me my husband needs to hit bottom before he will realize his addiction. It is difficult to watch the man I love hit bottom but I am focusing on myself and my children. I can't be responsible for his bad choices and same goes for you. Do you have family that can let you stay there for a little bit until things calm down? Your emotions and your wife's emotions are escalated right now. Time and space will let the fires subside and then make decisions. Just my suggestion.
Praying for you.

Tyler312

Thank you for suggesting giving it time and space.

I am letting her anger get to me so was inclined to stay home tonight and talk with her. But that is probably not a good idea right now.

I have family that is semi-close, but I'm fine staying at work. Although, I would want to find a more semi-permanent residence (likely a short-term apartment) if we stay separated. That's kind of why I get anxious about figuring out what we are doing.

cc88

Inspiring to hear. You should be proud of yourself. Stick to your plan. I wouldn't deviate from your it unless you saw a SERIOUS decision to get clean that didn't require any persuasion from you.

whyme123

It's normal for a co-dependent person to get anxious in a situation like this. As natural controllers of situations, uncertainty is completely nerve wracking. Patience feels like a chore.

Unfortunately with her continued using what would you really accomplish by talking with her? The dishonesty isn't going to go away unless she stops using and wants to change it.

You can only control the things that you can control. You can find a short term apartment to remove yourself from the situation to clear your head and work on what's good for you.

Tyler312

You are right and I would have to try very hard to keep the conversation simple, civil, and not let her anger get to me.

My only goal would be to say "I need honesty or I cannot be here." She may not understand it (she hasn't so far), but that's what I got. She's been a bit hard to figure out; sometimes she seems like she wants to talk but all this anger is making it hard to get to that point.

cc88

I would say that there is no point. all it would do is open the door to being manipulated.If she doesnt get into treatment you wont get honesty. impossible. active addicts CANT be honest. Its like asking a 10 year old to bench 350 lbs. It just doesn't happen.

Just one guys opinion. Im sorry for what you're going through

outtolunch

Honesty is overrated. Addicts and codependents capable of honesty tend to use it to rationalize continued poor choices. It's all about action.

You decided that you cannot live with someone in active addiction and got out of the front and center seat to her addiction. Rock bottom is that point in time where one decides to go down with the ship or not.

Good to hear, you chose to save yourself. Keep swimming cause the shore is in sight.

whyme123

"My only goal would be to say "I need honesty or I cannot be here." She may not understand it (she hasn't so far), but that's what I got. She's been a bit hard to figure out; sometimes she seems like she wants to talk but all this anger is making it hard to get to that point." I just can't get the quoting down

I think that sounds like a great idea, as long as you really plan on following through and have zero expectations!

Tyler312

I saw some slightly erratic behavior from AW this afternoon. Her: "you cannot stay here with your current behavior." Then her 1 hour later: "why aren't you staying here"

Keep in mind, I left because of her behavior.

But now things have calmed down a little. I am still not home, but we've had some cordial text msgs and emails tonight.

The key now, which a few people have mentioned, is not allowing myself to be manipulated and to stick to my values/boundaries.

The bad part is I don't know (and can't let myself get obsessed with) what she may be taking. Not saying she is completely untrustworthy, but she just started seeing a psychiatrist. This doctor is worried about her... but who knows what the doctor's solution would be. More benzos? I guess that is okay to a point, just as long as it remains responsible...

But that just brings me full circle. Just sticking to my values is the key.

laurie6781

Did she tell you this? Or did the doctor tell you this?

Addicts lie all the time.

Stick with your plan. You are correct int hat she will try everything she can to 'manipulate' you back to the home.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

Good for you for getting yourself into Nar-Anon meetings. That's great! It's very hard for a talented codependent (like me) to take care of themselves first and foremost. But it is liberating and much healthier. When I began changing, the dynamic changed (not only with the addict but many people around me!). That doesn't mean the addict in my life stopped using, he hasn't.....but MY life is much more manageable.

gentle hugs
ke

Tyler312

She did. I understand the lying thing, the reason I believe her is she has her appointments all scheduled a week apart, this was her second appointment, and then when she was done with it she told me she made another appointment for the following day. The situation made sense.

Freedom1990

She's not going to be responsible with more benzos. Her behavior proves that, Tyler. She's an addict.

Tyler312

I know; I don't mean to talk around in circles.

That brings up an interesting question though. Should any of her doctors (primary, psychiatrist, etc) be told about the addiction problems? I guess it's mostly irrelevant, since telling them won't fix the problem. The question is probably coming from my controlling side.

Farfalla

I told my husband I was going to talk to the doc who gives him his meds he threatened me.

Freedom1990

Yes it is. There's the answer to your question.

I am honest with all of my medical/mental health providers about my past addictions.

I don't think she's even close to doing that at this time.

That's on her, not you.

oneday66

I nearly lost it trying to figure out the truth..what was a lie....
Even if they are honest (impossible in active addiction) u will not find what u r looking for...because the brutal honest truth is..their addiction is more important than u or anything else...
Its all manipulation until they are clean and in recovery for a long time..
Even without any action or changes...his words sucked me in and caused chaos..
I caused chaos too, by trying to reach him...trying to get him to see he needed help...i am still working on the first step...admitting I was powerless over his addiction.... Moving out was the best thing I did. But a tiny part of me hoped it would make a difference. Guess what.. Nothing I do or say makes a difference....i am powerless over it...it has NOTHING to do with me..or you..

litehorse

such a difficult situation - i appreciate that you are trying to make a clear headed decision not based in pure emotion - years ago i let my codependency lead me into an addictive relationship - it caused the end of my marriage -my husband ranted and raved and got drunk and made irrational decisions of his own right up until the time that he met someone else and married her a week after our divorce was final (he filed) - i am not blaming him for going on with his life - but i do often wonder if he had managed to create a stablility for himself while all this was going on if things could have been different - please don't attack me - i certainly understand people have to make decisions for themselves when in the face of addiction - from the beginning to the end (his remarriage) was 18 months most of which he was flapping in the wind and i was taking care of our children working full time and keeping them in school, etc... i guess what i am saying is don't jump too quickly into divorce mode - taking a stand and calmly establishing a stable productive place for yourself may have a monumental impact on her - and it will give you a base to make solid decisions for yourself when the time comes