Can I join here, I'm an alcoholic

Old 09-15-2011, 07:40 PM
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Can I join here, I'm an alcoholic

I am an alcoholic, I quit drinking on 08/02/2011. I was married for 27 1/2 years to an alcoholic, who also had a personality disorder. I have been divorced now for 9 months.

I left my AH 12/31/2008, then I lived with friends, who would not take anything from me, while living with them. I bought my own house the end of April this year, My ex was extremely abusive. It wasn't until I bought my house, that I would begin to believe the baggage that I am still carrying from it.

It was good when I was living with my friends, but then I kinda sank when I moved out on my own. I bought a foreclosure, and I can't believe the work that I have to do here. I'm trying to turn things around for myself right now, but I really went into a slump for about 3 months.
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:11 AM
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Welcome.

I go to Alanon as well and find it really helpful to have face to face with people that understand. It is also for the friends and family of alcoholics. There are several people there that call themselves "double winners" meaning they are recovered alcoholics and are affected by alcoholics.
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:22 AM
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Welcome to this side of the forum.

I two am about nine months out from divorce.

I also struggled in the last year for a number of months just feeling down and low energy. It can be hard to not beat yourself up for that. The more I judge those feelings though the longer the feeling down seems to last.

I attend Al-anon also and it has helped me a lot. I also go to Open AA meetings though my addiction of choice is not alcohol. I go to both meetings for different reasons, but I get a lot out of both of them.
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Old 09-16-2011, 06:13 AM
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Sure/welcome....I am a recovering A (alcoholic), A (addict), codependent.....It has been 4 yrs. since my divorce and I am finally feeling like I am back to normal. Try to get to lots of meetings. We want to isolate but it isn't good for us. I hope you have a good sponser. Mine led me to yoga and meditation. Meditation helped me to hear answers from prayers. It helped me relax. There are meditations online. You have come a long way. Cograts on your house. One bite of the elephant at a time.
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Old 09-16-2011, 06:29 AM
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Welcome. My AH (who will be my XAH shortly) also has a personality disorder which certainly compounds the problem and makes it so hard.

Good for you for leaving after so much abuse over so long and for getting sober.

Glad you're here.
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Old 09-16-2011, 06:41 AM
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Welcome to this side of recovery!

Hi,
I'm known as Pelican, and
I'm a recovering alcoholic,
I'm recovering from living with an active alcoholic husband (now ex), AND
I am recovering from my co-dependent habits.

Alanon has helped me to develop skills for dealing with professional relationships as well as personal relationships. I attend some open AA meetings also to remember where I came from and that I too am one drink away from being back on the crazy train.

Congrats on your sobriety and on your new home. Those are both major accomplishments!
I too purchased a foreclosed property (in my previous life). We purchased an abandoned farm. It needed lots of work! I found it helpful to make a list of projects, then prioritize the items on the list. Top of the list was items that needed immediate attention (busted water pipes, etc). That kept me from getting overwhelmed with so many projects that "needed my attention".

I would like to share with you something that has helped me as a dual-member of SR. When I post in the F&F (friends and family) forum of SR, I try to keep my sharing based on my experience as the loved one of an active alcoholic. I try to share my strength and hope towards the family member as I remember needing someone to help me feel less alone, less crazy, less hopeless, less minimized in my own home.

I try not to post in F&F as a soft sided, treat the alcoholic with love and patience and they will be healed from their disease polly-anna. This forum is a place where F&F of alcoholics can share their feelings and ask for support. I try to respect that ideal. (I have on occassion slammed an alcoholic that comes looking for a way to fix their "normie")

Please make yourself at home and let us know how we can support you as you begin your recovery journey from living with alcoholism.
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:15 AM
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Welcome, amy55. I appreciate what Pelican writes above, and it does go both ways for us here. Sometimes, we need a honest perspective from a recovering alcoholic! I've learned so much from the posters here who have experiences on both sides of the fence - I am grateful for the input and wisdom.

I, too, bought a fixer upper recently. It has been a summer of projects and I have learned a lot about home repairs. Hopefully you have a local hardware store with good employees that can become your friends! I also haunt garage sales and thrift stores for stuff that people throw out - got several light fixtures this way, for only a couple bucks each. I also salvaged a gorgeous old cabinet that had been in a house fire, and it is on its way to becoming a new bathroom vanity. For me - having "stuff" to do has been immensely helpful as I go through some pretty tough stuff. I have learned that I need to keep occupied so I dwell less often, and what better way than to tackle house projects.

Congrats on your life choices...sounds like you are on a great path!
~T
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:28 AM
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Just wanted to say Welcome!
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:46 AM
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Hi Amy, glad you are here.
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:02 AM
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Hi again,

Thanks for the warm welcome.

I also agree with Pelican on the reasons for being here. I'm coming here for help with my codependent issues, and my low self esteem. When I was married, I though alcohol was my only friend, I found out it was my worst enemy. Without the alcohol, I would have left my marriage long before 12/2008. It would have been 2001.

I told my ex that I was leaving him in March 2000, then I was diagnosed with cancer. He immediately turned himself around, and became the husband that I needed, so I stayed. After my cancer treatment, we were just talking one day, having a good time, and he said to me "I see you got your strength back now, you're back to your old *itchy self. I should have left then. From that point on, he increased his drinking, his abuse, he started disappearing for days at a time, then weeks at a time.

I felt like I was trapped, my children were still in HS, and I had pets. I never knew when he was going to be home, and I felt I couldn't just leave and take the children and leave the pets, so I stayed.

I started reading all the books about abuse, at that time, I didn't even add in that he was an alcoholic, because, hey, I was drinking also.

After my cancer treatment, I put on a lot of weight, and I went on a diet to lose it, so, of course, I gave up the alcohol. l lost the weight that I wanted to, but I no longer had the desire to drink. I didn't drink for 2 1/2 years. He attacked me nightly for not drinking, when before he was attacking me, saying that my drinking was causing the problems. Nightly I would hear him say, in his sarcastic voice, "so I guess you're a saint now, since you don't drink". He would harass me all night, not just about not drinking, but everything, the TV shows that I watched, that I washed clothes that day, or didn't wash clothes that day.... etc.....

I couldn't take it anymore, I went back to drinking. I started to spend my nights, from 7:00pm in the garage, and sleeping in the car, because I just could not handle going back into my house, when he would start up. I enjoyed it when he wasn't speaking to me, then he would sit in his own TV room and leave me alone.

If he was in the same room as me, I wasn't allowed to speak, he would attack everything that I said, even if I asked him, how his day was. I would see him in a good mood, and then I could see his whole face change, (it's amazing how you can tell right away, the lines in his face would change, his face would get a little red, you could see the veins in his neck, you can see his eyes change, and know that they were not seeing me anymore, they were blank and empty) and I would know that we were in for another 6 month fight.

I then spent years reading about personality disorders. I got him to go to at least 5 therapist, all the therapist agreed with me, and they wanted him to go for a medication evaluation. He refused to go, he wanted to just work things out between the 2 of us.

Not going to spend much time on that, because that was my problem. I couldn't accept it at that time, that I could not "cure it".

Then I just "numbed" myself, thinking if I did this, I could withstand the onslaughts and just walk away. It worked for awhile, then he would start to follow me, when I walked away. The fights then became physical.

After my first black eye, and the restraining order, and the court ordered abuse classes, and alcohol classes, (similar to AA, but mandatory), we tried to work things out during this time. He became the person that I remembered, it lasted 2 months.

Then it got worse and worse. I became like a zombie. I had my own therapist then that I was seeing for situational depression, PTSD, and axiety/panic attacks. I was just living from one day to the next, but not really existing. I couldn't wait to go to sleep, and I was afraid to wake up. I became immobolized. and each time he would leave and disappeared for 3 - 4 weeks, I would drink the first 2 days, and on the 3rd I would get disgusted with myself, put down the bottle, and start taking care of myself, but then he would come back.

I finally made my escape on 12/31/2008. I was invited to a New Years Eve party at my friends that lived 1 1/2 hours away from me, my H was also invited. He told me he wasn't going. So, I packed up my things and started driving there. He called me to tell me that he wasn't coming home. This would have been the 5th NYE that he would have abandoned me. I told him that I already left, and that I am not turning around to go back home, and that he better be there to take care of the dog. I already had a lot of my stuff at my friends house, so I just never went back.

Sorry that this was so long, but I needed to get it out there, so I can start my recovery.
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:46 AM
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Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you know that underneath all the "stuff" is a strong woman who took control of her life. That's inspiring! Thank you!
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:01 AM
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I second Tuffgirls note. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 09-16-2011, 12:08 PM
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My story has 4 parts to it. So here is part 2

After I left my ex, I moved in with my friends. They gave me the key to their house, several months prior to this. Between Aug 2008, and Dec 2008, I went back and forth many times to my ex. Each time I left, I brought more clothes with me, and more tools with me. I guess, I never thought that I was going to actually leave. I wanted it to be a wake-up call.

My friends had bought this house to be there permanent house, but they only came up on weekends for a year, because they still had another house. They let me live there for nothing, they took me out all the time to eat on weekends, they bought me presents, like t shirts. They were great to me. I wish everyone could have friends like mine.

So, I'm a handy person. I wanted to pay them back for all their help, so I painted all the rooms in their house for them, took down wallpaper, fixed the walls, painted the outside of their house, it was a ranch.

After all the times my ex put me down for wanting to do stuff like this, and me feeling so bad that he would yell at me if I did, I developed a motto. "Don't tell me that I am not capable of doing something, if I feel that I can do it, then I will get it done. I also painted their basement floor, and put epoxy on it, with the flakes. It looked great. I also repaired their driveway.

They never expected me to do any of this. I just wanted to do it for them. I also took care of my friends 90 yr old father. Took him to his doctors appts, set up his meds, stayed with him for hours each day after his surgery. I did that for about a year, until he died.

I never felt appreciated as much as they made me feel appreciated. The compliments I got from every one there, including their relatives really helped my self esteem.

They went through my divorce with me. Held me when I cried, listened to me, when I needed to talk. I never knew what normal was, until I lived with them. That was the best experience I ever had in my life, and I can never thank them enough for this.

I didn't file for the divorce, he did. His reasoning was that you can't have a relationship, if you are not together. He was the nastiest person that I could ever imagine someone being. He put our house up for sale, and then told me that I should sign the papers from the real estate agent. He cleaned out the house, and got rid of a lot of my stuff, I went there a few times, to get as much out that I could. I couldn't go there when he was there. I was too afraid. He put the furniture in storage, and when I got my house, and asked him about it, he told me that none of it was mine.

My friends helped me through all of this. They were also his closest friends. I know that I am leaving out a lot, but that would just make things too long.

I did end up with a pretty decent alimony, and cash settlement. Much more than what I thought that I would get, but only enough to live lower middle class, that's why I bought the foreclosure. I thought that if I could do all that work on their house, it should be a breeze for me to work on my own house.
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Old 09-16-2011, 12:52 PM
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Part 3, I'll label it "My Downfall"

So, I finally got myself into a "good place". I don't want to keep sponging off of the friends. I have some money now, and I want to start my life over. So, I buy a foreclosure.

Its a log cabin raised ranch, in a community with a lake, an indoor swimming pool, exercise room, gated community.

I knew before I bought the place, that I needed new carpeting, I needed new kitchen flooring, that I might have to replace the bottom kitchen cabinets, that I had to get a new toilet even before the inspection for the mortgage, the one here was cracked. That the kitchen sink was not draining.

OK, so I got the toilet and had it installed. The house passed inspection for the mortgage. My friend came over and fixed the kitchen sink, at least now, I have a kitchen sink. I also had carpenter bees. Got an exterminator, purchased the annual contract. He just sprayed the entire house. It did nothing to the bees. Had to do a lot of research on this, and I purchased a powder, that I had to put into each individual hole to kill the bees. Finally a little success. Had carpenter ants, the same powder for the bees killed the carpenter ants.

Pulled up the carpet !!!!!!!!!! They had 3 big dogs here that peed all over the carpet, so they put some kind of an oil down on the carpet to get rid of the smell. After I pulled up the carpet, I noticed this, because this oil soaked through the carpet, and saturated the entire sub floor. Spent 2 months this summer trying to soak up the oil from the sub floor. There was too much. Finally gave up, and accepted that I needed a new sub floor. Called multiple contractors, they would say that they would come over and never showed up.

Went into a depression. Started drinking everyday. Gave up on working on the house. Felt sorry for myself everyday. I had no carpet, no furniture, other than someone elses 25 yr old bed, have patio furniture in my kitchen, (the one thing that I did get from my old house, when I was married, have a sand chair, in my living room, no TV, and borrowing internet. I was a wreck, and I just sat here drinking, and blaming my ex for all of this.

(Before anyone gets on me, Part 4 is my recovery)
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Old 09-16-2011, 01:23 PM
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Part 4

I did all this to myself. I got overwhelmed, I went into depression. I felt like I had no worth anymore, felt like I was letting people down, people who believed in me. I was also taking prescribed meds in the beginning to help me sleep, and to get over the panic attacks. I didn't want to take those anymore. So, I stopped them. Made things even worse, now I had to replace the meds with the drinking, just so I could go to sleep. Started drinking really heavily. I was now up to about 14 beers a day. I did this for close to 3 months.

Then one day, I noticed that I already had 3 beers, and it wasn't even noontime. That's when I first came here. I researched alcoholism, and it led me here. I drank the rest of that day, but I was also posting here. The next day I woke up, I still had 5 beers left. I opened them, and poured them down the drain. I isolated myself for about 3 days, wouldn't even leave the house, too afraid I would pick up more beer. I wanted to get better !!!!!

Had a lot of sleepless nights, but kept going. Had to clear my head first before I could do anything. Finally got a contractor, that will replace my sub floor, and who will put my kitchen cabinets in. Soon, I will not feel like I am living in a barn. Will actually get some light into this place. It's an older log cabin with wood on the walls and the ceilings, and not enough windows to let light in.

After my sub floor is replaced, and I get the carpeting, I will actually put up my TV. I have not put a lot of things on my main floor, because I would just have to move them to have the sub floor replaced.

I should be living like a real human being in about 2 months. But right now, this is my castle, because I am not living with the daily abuse.

I do intend to go to house sales, etc... for furniture. When I lived with my friends they did this all the time. A lot of the furniture was really priceless, and I know how to refinish them. My biggest problem here, that got me overwhelmed was, 1. I never lived alone. 2. I can paint walls, but what do you do with wide plank walls and ceilings? 3. it was dark here, and I can't or won't do electric work. 4. I felt like a failure.

But I know that I can do this, I guess maybe #5. would be, I don't like asking for help, I found out that I need to.
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Old 09-16-2011, 01:33 PM
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My sponsor told me once that it's important to have the humility to ask for and accept help.
I always thought that it was the other way around, but it's true, there is a sense of pride in being afraid to ask for help.
And I know there will be a great sense of pride in having a house of your own, exactly the way you like it.

I'm glad you came looking for help. I'm glad you found us. And I'm glad you're finally out living! <3
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:23 PM
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I had gone to an AA meeting and I was asked to give an example of humility, the only thing that I could come up with then, was to admit that I made a mistake. It never even entered my mind then, to admit that I need help, and I need friends, or that I am not as perfect as I tried to be, or as inadequate as I was told that I am.

I'm so used to being told that I was nothing, that I have a really hard time accepting help. The friends that I lived with are always bringing things over to me, because I can't refuse. They are very helpful things, but I would never ask. The husband even told me that he would change a light fixture for me. I kept putting that off, even though I could really use the help.

In a way, I was, or am, refusing help, because it makes me feel codependent. Now in my situation right now, that is total stupidity. They would not be helping me, because they wanted something from me, they would be helping me because they wanted to.

This is one of the things that I am working on. I guess you can call it "trust". I don't trust people not to hurt me. I trust my friends, but I didn't want them to do things for me out of "pity", and they're not. They want to do things for me because they like me, and it is very hard for me to believe that. This is something I might have to get used to, and it's uncomfortable for me.

That's really weird. If people are actually being nice to me, and expect nothing, I feel uncomfortable.
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