In need of SR family expertise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
In need of SR family expertise
I really need some sound advice here.
I just bumped into XA mom at the neighborhood grocery store. She informed me that XA is in the hospital. When I asked her what is wrong, her exact words were " you know what is wrong, he is in isolation and he is not doing good."
I was trying so hard to hold it together, I offered to drive her to the hospital, as the hospital is 40 miles away, as she is in her late 70's. I asked if there was anything I could do for her. I could not get a definite answer out of her, as to why he is in the hospital.
I could see resentment written all over her face.
I certainly did not want to upset her more, so I did not say anything.
So I am sitting here thinking, isolation means ICU, or padded cell. Can it mean anything else? I feel as if I need to do something I just don't know what that something is.
We haven't been in contact in over 3 months. I just hope whatever it is that is wrong, he gets a second chance to try and make his life whole again.
I want to go to the hospital, but I probably wouldn' be allowed to see him anyway. Obviously I am not thinking clearly here, can somebody suggest something. Should I try? or just forget that idea.
In the past I discussed XA drinking problem with his brother, and that did not go very well. I am truly at a loss here. Maybe I just need to Mind my own business but that just seems so heartless.
I just bumped into XA mom at the neighborhood grocery store. She informed me that XA is in the hospital. When I asked her what is wrong, her exact words were " you know what is wrong, he is in isolation and he is not doing good."
I was trying so hard to hold it together, I offered to drive her to the hospital, as the hospital is 40 miles away, as she is in her late 70's. I asked if there was anything I could do for her. I could not get a definite answer out of her, as to why he is in the hospital.
I could see resentment written all over her face.
I certainly did not want to upset her more, so I did not say anything.
So I am sitting here thinking, isolation means ICU, or padded cell. Can it mean anything else? I feel as if I need to do something I just don't know what that something is.
We haven't been in contact in over 3 months. I just hope whatever it is that is wrong, he gets a second chance to try and make his life whole again.
I want to go to the hospital, but I probably wouldn' be allowed to see him anyway. Obviously I am not thinking clearly here, can somebody suggest something. Should I try? or just forget that idea.
In the past I discussed XA drinking problem with his brother, and that did not go very well. I am truly at a loss here. Maybe I just need to Mind my own business but that just seems so heartless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Your exMIL (mother in law) is no doubt one of your ex's enablers, so she's obviously going to blame you for what's happening to him. God forbid it be her son's fault that he's ill.
This is truly HIS business and it would only entangle you in his mess once again if you went to see him. You've only been NC for 3 months; it could be rather easy to get drawn in once again.
If you feel the need to send a good word, why not send him a card?
This is truly HIS business and it would only entangle you in his mess once again if you went to see him. You've only been NC for 3 months; it could be rather easy to get drawn in once again.
If you feel the need to send a good word, why not send him a card?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((marie)))
I know this must be very worrying for you, but your x is in exactly the place he needs to be with professionals taking care of him. There really is nothing you can do to help him at the moment.
I think a card would be a nice gesture, if you would like to send one.
Hugs, HG
I know this must be very worrying for you, but your x is in exactly the place he needs to be with professionals taking care of him. There really is nothing you can do to help him at the moment.
I think a card would be a nice gesture, if you would like to send one.
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
medical isolation can mean many different things...you really can't expect to get a clear answer out of mama. ICU means Intensive Care Unit...(2 different types, Surgical ICU --SICU, or Medical Instensive Care...MICU...CCU is critical care unit).
medical information is closely monitored. no one can or should not give you information unless you are legal kin or he has signed a release to allow you to act as his advocate.
medical information is closely monitored. no one can or should not give you information unless you are legal kin or he has signed a release to allow you to act as his advocate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Anytime I feel any discomfort, worry, any negative thing, on someone's behalf I think there is something I should do. I need to fix it.
There are couple things wrong with that.
A) I don't need to feel *other* people's discomfort. I have plenty of my own - which i like to ignore
B) I don't need to do anything. I don't need to fix it. Mostly people do not even want me to fix it. That runs very close to meddling and I don't want to be that person any longer.
What i try to do is feel those feelings and let them pass. Take a moment to breath. We get caught off guard sometimes but we can wait a moment to think about what to do rather then immediately reacting. Which you did (posted here) so that is good
I like the idea of sending a card and letting it go. Probably I wouldn't even do that to be honest. He is an ex. An ex without contact and I wouldn't change that just because you heard he was in the hospital.
Also, isolation is generally a term used when someone has some kind of infectious disease that can spread to others. Visitors might need to wear a mask or gloves in the room (depending on how the specific infection is spread). Sometimes these infections are very serious - and sometimes not so much - just easily spread. ETA - in no way to be construed as medical advice It might mean different things in different places. Just sharing to help you not awfulize the situation. It could be very minor, or not, you just don't know.
There are couple things wrong with that.
A) I don't need to feel *other* people's discomfort. I have plenty of my own - which i like to ignore
B) I don't need to do anything. I don't need to fix it. Mostly people do not even want me to fix it. That runs very close to meddling and I don't want to be that person any longer.
What i try to do is feel those feelings and let them pass. Take a moment to breath. We get caught off guard sometimes but we can wait a moment to think about what to do rather then immediately reacting. Which you did (posted here) so that is good
I like the idea of sending a card and letting it go. Probably I wouldn't even do that to be honest. He is an ex. An ex without contact and I wouldn't change that just because you heard he was in the hospital.
Also, isolation is generally a term used when someone has some kind of infectious disease that can spread to others. Visitors might need to wear a mask or gloves in the room (depending on how the specific infection is spread). Sometimes these infections are very serious - and sometimes not so much - just easily spread. ETA - in no way to be construed as medical advice
It might mean different things in different places. Just sharing to help you not awfulize the situation. It could be very minor, or not, you just don't know.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I like the advice given on the above posts. If you go for visitation, you could possibly get entangled again. This is not your worry, and you can not fix this. Sending a card is a wonderful gesture, but a way to still keeps a good distance. I can also agree with the above posts that he is where he needs to be; in the hands of the professionals.
Giving you hugs.
Giving you hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
For many people it may seem heartless to understand that it is none of your business, and to stay out of it. You already know what you need to know about his mom an brother-- they are in denial, enablers, or both and they resent you for not being the same. Also, the mother refusing to give you details is classic passive-aggressive manipulation designed specifically to:
A. Get you to do exactly what you did (offer to do something for her)
B. Get you to feel guilty
C. Get you to go and visit him
You fell hook, line, and sinker for A and B. Don't fall for C. The only scenario is which it is appropriate for you to visit him is if you want to because you want to-- not because you feel guilty, not because you "should," and sure as hell not because his mommy is messing with you.
And, if you do, be prepared for a massive effort to manipulate you on his part. He'll tell you everything you want to hear, especially about not ever drinking again and all the **** that goes with it. It'll likely sound true because he'll likely mean it... until he gets out. Then slowly but surely he'll start up again and next thing you know you are back on the merry go round.
Lastly, and let me be clear I am not telling you what to do, unless he's absolutely dying and you know that for sure, I highly advise NOT going to visit him. In my opinion nothing good can come of it. It'll be short term "feel good about yourself BS," followed by long term "what the hell was I thinking."
Good luck.
Cyranoak
A. Get you to do exactly what you did (offer to do something for her)
B. Get you to feel guilty
C. Get you to go and visit him
You fell hook, line, and sinker for A and B. Don't fall for C. The only scenario is which it is appropriate for you to visit him is if you want to because you want to-- not because you feel guilty, not because you "should," and sure as hell not because his mommy is messing with you.
And, if you do, be prepared for a massive effort to manipulate you on his part. He'll tell you everything you want to hear, especially about not ever drinking again and all the **** that goes with it. It'll likely sound true because he'll likely mean it... until he gets out. Then slowly but surely he'll start up again and next thing you know you are back on the merry go round.
Lastly, and let me be clear I am not telling you what to do, unless he's absolutely dying and you know that for sure, I highly advise NOT going to visit him. In my opinion nothing good can come of it. It'll be short term "feel good about yourself BS," followed by long term "what the hell was I thinking."
Good luck.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Maybe I just need to Mind my own business but that just seems so heartless.
Minding your own business = heartless?
I don't think so. If you were to "do something" what would it be? Do you believe you could be of more help to him than a fully equipped hospital full of highly trained medical staff?
When I really started making strides in my recovery was when I started questioning my own beliefs. Digging beneath the surface and looking at things that I always just took for granted as truth. Where did those beliefs come from? Were they true? Did they serve me well, or was I just so accustomed to them that I didn't want to ask why? Many things I learned over my lifetime that seemed normal/healthy/good, were anything but.
Send a card if you wish, or better yet, send good wishes/prayers. Because really, that's all the power you have over this....
L
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You asked, she answered. Now, let it go. Heartless? No way. His life, his choices got him where he is.
If you must do something, send a card, although it may open the door once again.
Sending hugs your way.
If you must do something, send a card, although it may open the door once again.
Sending hugs your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
I think I would feel tempted to do something too...but honestly don't think I would after giving it a little more thought than just having a knee jerk sort of reaction.
Going there would mean possibly getting wound up into his life all over again, is that really what you would want? I wouldn't risk that by sending a card either.
Maybe it would make you feel better to say a silent prayer for him? That is not heartless. That just shows you care enough to do something but also enough to leave it up to god.
Going there would mean possibly getting wound up into his life all over again, is that really what you would want? I wouldn't risk that by sending a card either.
Maybe it would make you feel better to say a silent prayer for him? That is not heartless. That just shows you care enough to do something but also enough to leave it up to god.
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