I dont understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 3
I dont understand
My AH wife, when she is sober, says that she loves me, loves our life together and in general feels like the luckiest woman in the world. Sounds good. Then why would a person that is that happy be on such a path of destruction with alcohol? This makes no sense to me. Any thoughts on this? Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
She is an ADDICT, you can't believe anything that comes out of their mouth. It is a form of manipulation to keep you hanging on to a life, that no longer exists. I am so sorry that this disease has infiltered your life.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi bem, Welcome to SR!
The sad truth is that nothing is logical in the brain of an alcoholic who is still drinking.
I learned that anytime Mr. HG and I tried to make sense out of what my A stepson was saying, we simply become angry, confused, doubted our own reasoning.....felt crazy, basically.
What's worse was when we tried to "explain" the logic to him.....talk about a conversation that goes nowhere fast!
There is a book that some folks here have read that describes how the brain is impacted by alcohol....it's call "Under the Influence". Perhaps someone will come along who remembers the author, I don't at the moment.
You might benefit by reading the posts on this thread titled "What addicts do". It explains things from the addicts POV.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
It is horrible to watch someone completely self-destruct, believe me, I know......
I'm glad you are here. Keep reading and posting! You are among people who understand.
HG
The sad truth is that nothing is logical in the brain of an alcoholic who is still drinking.
I learned that anytime Mr. HG and I tried to make sense out of what my A stepson was saying, we simply become angry, confused, doubted our own reasoning.....felt crazy, basically.
What's worse was when we tried to "explain" the logic to him.....talk about a conversation that goes nowhere fast!
There is a book that some folks here have read that describes how the brain is impacted by alcohol....it's call "Under the Influence". Perhaps someone will come along who remembers the author, I don't at the moment.
You might benefit by reading the posts on this thread titled "What addicts do". It explains things from the addicts POV.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
It is horrible to watch someone completely self-destruct, believe me, I know......
I'm glad you are here. Keep reading and posting! You are among people who understand.
HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I do recommend, as HydroGirl noted, "Under the Influence" by James Milam. Most public libraries should have it, but you can get it for about $8 at a bookstore or on Amazon. It is concise and informative, and describes how the addiction progresses from beginning to end.
Speaking as someone who was once alcohol-dependent, it was an eye-opener. To answer your question as to why someone would keep on drinking, though, if they are addicted, their brain is confused. It literally believes that it needs the alcohol to survive, to function. Think about how your hunger or thirst drive works, only more intense.
Speaking as someone who was once alcohol-dependent, it was an eye-opener. To answer your question as to why someone would keep on drinking, though, if they are addicted, their brain is confused. It literally believes that it needs the alcohol to survive, to function. Think about how your hunger or thirst drive works, only more intense.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
It's very sad. Judging from my own experience, and what I've read here, alcohol becomes the most important thing in their lives, or at least the most powerful. I can't say what their thought process is, since I've never been in their shoes.
My AW has "quit" several times, after my daughter and I pressured her to do so. Each time, she says drinking isn't worth having her family upset with her. Each time she goes back to the bottle.
She "quit" again this past Monday, after she and Daughter had another fight about it. She said to me, "I have to give it up or lose her".
I'll be surprised if she makes it two weeks. The problem is, she doesn't think she has a problem... she thinks our daughter is bossing her around, and she resents it.
Apparently, her brain just isn't functioning in the real world. She's unable to quit drinking, even if it ruins her relationship with the person she loves most.
My AW has "quit" several times, after my daughter and I pressured her to do so. Each time, she says drinking isn't worth having her family upset with her. Each time she goes back to the bottle.
She "quit" again this past Monday, after she and Daughter had another fight about it. She said to me, "I have to give it up or lose her".
I'll be surprised if she makes it two weeks. The problem is, she doesn't think she has a problem... she thinks our daughter is bossing her around, and she resents it.
Apparently, her brain just isn't functioning in the real world. She's unable to quit drinking, even if it ruins her relationship with the person she loves most.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Because she is an alcoholic. That's the long and the short of it. It doesn't make sense, does it? It never will unless you simply accept and acknowledge she's an alcoholic, just like my wife, and expect her to act like one.
This is not meant to be sarcastic when I say, you might as well ask why dogs bark, birds fly, and bees sting. Same answer.
It makes perfect sense.
Take care,
Cyranoak
This is not meant to be sarcastic when I say, you might as well ask why dogs bark, birds fly, and bees sting. Same answer.
It makes perfect sense.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
She does mean it when she is sober. Being an alcoholic is like being a schitzophrenic. When my mum gets drunk she is an entirely different person, a nasty spiteful angry person, when she is about to drink she looks for any reason possible for her to have a drink, even to the point where she will lie to herself and make things up. When she is sober, she is lovely, caring, witty, so intelligent.
If you are staying with your Wife you have to try and think of it as two different women, otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. Try and look at getting yourself some help and support, personally I read anything I can and scour pages like this when she is bad. Just to know you aren't alone helps.
I hope this helps.
If you are staying with your Wife you have to try and think of it as two different women, otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. Try and look at getting yourself some help and support, personally I read anything I can and scour pages like this when she is bad. Just to know you aren't alone helps.
I hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
IMHO it's not "loving the addiction more." It's that the addiction is more powerful than the love. I see this idea posted often in many forms and I think it's simply not accurate. Love is plainly not powerful enough, in and of itself, to make another person stop drinking or drugging.
Maybe if they loved themselves more it might be, but how much somebody else loves them is completely irrelevant.
I will never believe that my wife loved being drunk more than she loved me and my daughter. It's ridiculous to even think about. She is an alcoholic and was unable to control her drinking. What helped her to change was not how much we loved her, nor how much she loved us. She'd be the first to tell you that she had an epiphany in jail about how she wanted to live her life-- my daughter and I were not part of that epiphany, but we are benefiting from it.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
Maybe if they loved themselves more it might be, but how much somebody else loves them is completely irrelevant.
I will never believe that my wife loved being drunk more than she loved me and my daughter. It's ridiculous to even think about. She is an alcoholic and was unable to control her drinking. What helped her to change was not how much we loved her, nor how much she loved us. She'd be the first to tell you that she had an epiphany in jail about how she wanted to live her life-- my daughter and I were not part of that epiphany, but we are benefiting from it.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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