Dependent on my addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Tampa Bay Area, FL
Posts: 1
Dependent on my addict
Hi, this is my very first post on here. I am so glad I found this tool, this outlet, this help because I have no one to tell my current story to. I and my 2 high school kids live with my fiance, who has become addicted to crack-cocaine. And to top it all off, he is the sole provider of this family, since I lost my job and year ago.
He goes for days around here in a high & sleep deprivation daze. He starts to move stuff around, singing and talking all day long! Whenever I try to approach him about what I think he's doing, he just denies it. Then a few days later, when he's out of his "stuff", he'll come to me and tell me yes he's been using but he wants to stop. Then he'll sleep it off for a couple of days and actually act normal. Then once I start to let my guard down, he just starts the cycle all over again, a few days later.
If I had the finances to support me and my kids, I would of left already. I lost my job over a year ago and I cant find another, well I havent been able to yet. I dont know what to do, I'm scared & I'm confused. I use to love my home and my new family, I was safe, comfortable & felt loved. Now I dont feel any of that. We dont do things anymore and honestly, I dont want to when he's like this. I dont know what to do or what steps to take....
He goes for days around here in a high & sleep deprivation daze. He starts to move stuff around, singing and talking all day long! Whenever I try to approach him about what I think he's doing, he just denies it. Then a few days later, when he's out of his "stuff", he'll come to me and tell me yes he's been using but he wants to stop. Then he'll sleep it off for a couple of days and actually act normal. Then once I start to let my guard down, he just starts the cycle all over again, a few days later.
If I had the finances to support me and my kids, I would of left already. I lost my job over a year ago and I cant find another, well I havent been able to yet. I dont know what to do, I'm scared & I'm confused. I use to love my home and my new family, I was safe, comfortable & felt loved. Now I dont feel any of that. We dont do things anymore and honestly, I dont want to when he's like this. I dont know what to do or what steps to take....
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,778
Welcome to SR.
TAke a look at our friends and families of substance abusers forum for understanding and good advice from those who have been in your position.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
TAke a look at our friends and families of substance abusers forum for understanding and good advice from those who have been in your position.Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, sorry that you are in this situation.
Do you get support for your two teenagers?
The only way out appears to be for you to find a job. Finding a job is a full time job, you will have to make that your priorty.
The situation with your fiance is not going to get better, this is a progressive disease, he will get worse, and, may even loose his job, so, it may be time to take action. Waiting for a miracle is not going to resolve anything.
Read others posts, keep posting, we are here for you.
Do you get support for your two teenagers?
The only way out appears to be for you to find a job. Finding a job is a full time job, you will have to make that your priorty.
The situation with your fiance is not going to get better, this is a progressive disease, he will get worse, and, may even loose his job, so, it may be time to take action. Waiting for a miracle is not going to resolve anything.
Read others posts, keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Crack addiction is progressive. The behavior just gets worse and worse the longer they use. They need more and more so the finances get worse and worse until they are hawking and stealing anything they can get their hands on. The cravings are that bad. They'll sell their bodies and will even introduce their children to crack so that they can sell their bodies too. Believe it. I've seen it. I was addicted to crack and it is a horrible, disgusting lifestyle.
Crack addicts are certifiably insane when they are high. They are delusional and can very dangerous if things aren't going their way. Protect yourself and your children.
Eventually, he will lose his job. Guaranteed. What are you going to do when that happened? Whatever that is, I would start doing it.
Crack addicts are certifiably insane when they are high. They are delusional and can very dangerous if things aren't going their way. Protect yourself and your children.
Eventually, he will lose his job. Guaranteed. What are you going to do when that happened? Whatever that is, I would start doing it.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
ConfuseDnScareD,
Hi, and welcome. I'm glad you found us...I'm glad you are online trying to find resources for yourself and your children to get out of the situation you find yourself in. It's a good thing, you are looking forward.
Jobs are so hard to come by, but.
My son who has been in prison 4 times for selling, has found a job, therefore, if he can do it, it proves to me that anyone can. seriously.
Start by asking at your church, ask any friends, beg if you have to.
The situation you're in, is not going to get better, it can only worsen in time.
hugs and hugs........
Hi, and welcome. I'm glad you found us...I'm glad you are online trying to find resources for yourself and your children to get out of the situation you find yourself in. It's a good thing, you are looking forward.
Jobs are so hard to come by, but.
My son who has been in prison 4 times for selling, has found a job, therefore, if he can do it, it proves to me that anyone can. seriously.
Start by asking at your church, ask any friends, beg if you have to.
The situation you're in, is not going to get better, it can only worsen in time.
hugs and hugs........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....I'm glad you found us and I hope you find comfort here.
Many of us here have found ourselves at a point of desperation or feeling like we had no control and no choices. Our lives had become unmanageable.
As strange as it may sound, once I found myself at that point, I was finally at a place where I could accept help. I was so broken that my mind opened to possibilities that I never would have considered before. I hit my bottom.
I have learned (through 12 step programs) that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to great too be lessened.
Here on SR (and in the rooms of Al-anon and Nar-anon) we try to share our experience, strength and hope so that others, like you, can see that there is light out there and we do have more control of our situations than we may think we do.
I hope you stick around. Post. Ask questions. Read. Learn. And know that you are not alone. We all have lived with or love an addict. We understand. And we will walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Many of us here have found ourselves at a point of desperation or feeling like we had no control and no choices. Our lives had become unmanageable.
As strange as it may sound, once I found myself at that point, I was finally at a place where I could accept help. I was so broken that my mind opened to possibilities that I never would have considered before. I hit my bottom.
I have learned (through 12 step programs) that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to great too be lessened.
Here on SR (and in the rooms of Al-anon and Nar-anon) we try to share our experience, strength and hope so that others, like you, can see that there is light out there and we do have more control of our situations than we may think we do.
I hope you stick around. Post. Ask questions. Read. Learn. And know that you are not alone. We all have lived with or love an addict. We understand. And we will walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
I just need to talk... Actually, I need help. I am the Mother of a 40 year old son who is addicted to opiates... I am at my witts end. He has stolen, lied, stayed away from home long periods, pawned much of everything. I have tried everything, 3 rehabs., counceling, therapy, bribeing, buying a new truck and taking it back, he is sooo conning, he has been using for 7 years. He has a beautiful 7 year old son, who, in reality, he dosen't even know. I am so tired of hearing him say OK, I'll get off, or, I'm done with that stuff....only to find out that he is still using. He and his wife are divorced, but, they got back together, still not re-married...she claims that she still loves him... He lives free, eats free, gets gas and cigerattes free and basically has no responsibility for his son... We (me and his wife) have had it. I have GOT to think of my grandbaby. I don't want to even think of my son living on the street....but, what am I to do... Someone PLEASE tell me what I am doing wrong.... I know that I cannot make him do anything, but, how in the world do I convience him that he is killing himself, me, his wife and affecting the life of my precious grandbaby ??? Anyone, please respond...I need help
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Do I tell my son that he has to get help or he will have to move out of the house??? Does he need to go through the 12 step program (which, btw, he has never done) ??? Should I insist that he go to yet another rehab ??? Do I just turn my back on him and his lying, stealing, pawning and using ??? It is so hard for a Mother to find a solution, it is so hard to hear him yell and curse at me when I give him ultimatums. What should I do ??? I do not want to enable him, but, each time, I seem to fall for his lies... He is soooo conning...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((ConfuseDnScareD))) - I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codependent. (((Kitty))) is right...crack addiction is progressive, and it will get worse. I went from a highly certified RN to a street-walking crackhead.
Can you get gov't assistance? I know around here, as long as you have kids, you can often get housing, food stamps, etc. I don't have any kids, so I'm almost 50, living back at home with dad/stepmom.
I can tell you this..SR is a wonderful place to talk out your feelings and fears, and there is many a time when someone has suggestions that may help.
(((Karazan))) - I was about the same age when I really got in deep with my addiction. I'd abused alcohol, quit it with no problem. Went to opiates..quit THAT with no problem. Discovered crack, MAJOR problems.
I will forever be grateful that my family did not enable me...they let me dig myself into a really deep hole, living on the streets, selling myself for dope money, criminal charges, etc.
When I chose recovery, they were right there for me and still are to this day. Had I not been allowed to deal with my consequences? I would probably be dead, just as my XABF#3 (fellow crackhead) is.
I know it's hard. I have an 18-year-old niece, who is the closest to being my child as I will ever have. She is following the path of her family...she's my stepmom's granddaughter, but I've been there for her since birth (except when I was using) and every single member of her family has addiction issues.
She knows I love her, but she also knows I will not tolerate her behavior when she's acting out. She admires me for the changes I've made, yet she is also angry because I don't put up with her ****. My dad and stepmom enable her, but I don't. I'm content with setting boundaries and showing her an example of how life is really supposed to live.
Yes, you have fears of him being on the streets, possibly OD'ing. There are members here who had their child OD and die in their home.
What got me into recovery was getting sick and tired of consequences...jail, financial disaster, etc. We addicts have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before we're willing to change. As long as someone is making it easy to use? We're not going to get to that point.
BTW....welcome to SR!! The Friends & Family forums are a huge amount of support for loved ones of addicts.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Can you get gov't assistance? I know around here, as long as you have kids, you can often get housing, food stamps, etc. I don't have any kids, so I'm almost 50, living back at home with dad/stepmom.
I can tell you this..SR is a wonderful place to talk out your feelings and fears, and there is many a time when someone has suggestions that may help.
(((Karazan))) - I was about the same age when I really got in deep with my addiction. I'd abused alcohol, quit it with no problem. Went to opiates..quit THAT with no problem. Discovered crack, MAJOR problems.
I will forever be grateful that my family did not enable me...they let me dig myself into a really deep hole, living on the streets, selling myself for dope money, criminal charges, etc.
When I chose recovery, they were right there for me and still are to this day. Had I not been allowed to deal with my consequences? I would probably be dead, just as my XABF#3 (fellow crackhead) is.
I know it's hard. I have an 18-year-old niece, who is the closest to being my child as I will ever have. She is following the path of her family...she's my stepmom's granddaughter, but I've been there for her since birth (except when I was using) and every single member of her family has addiction issues.
She knows I love her, but she also knows I will not tolerate her behavior when she's acting out. She admires me for the changes I've made, yet she is also angry because I don't put up with her ****. My dad and stepmom enable her, but I don't. I'm content with setting boundaries and showing her an example of how life is really supposed to live.
Yes, you have fears of him being on the streets, possibly OD'ing. There are members here who had their child OD and die in their home.
What got me into recovery was getting sick and tired of consequences...jail, financial disaster, etc. We addicts have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before we're willing to change. As long as someone is making it easy to use? We're not going to get to that point.
BTW....welcome to SR!! The Friends & Family forums are a huge amount of support for loved ones of addicts.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Karazan-you must cut the ties with your son if he is to get well.....you cannot make him well.......addiction is tricky. WE think that we can use and abuse you.
It is sad as we always will try to the very bottom of our addiction to get our way...we are not (at that time) worried about anyone except ourselves. PLease take care of you as your son needs help you cannot give him right now. Being co-dependant is only helping him.
Blessings,
Kahlia
It is sad as we always will try to the very bottom of our addiction to get our way...we are not (at that time) worried about anyone except ourselves. PLease take care of you as your son needs help you cannot give him right now. Being co-dependant is only helping him.
Blessings,
Kahlia
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
ConfusedandScared-It will only get worse as everyone is saying and you must get a job, something to fall back on. He will spend every last dime on Crack. I spent all my money on drugs, It is all consuming, It is a way of life. You will be in my prayers as well as Karazan.
Blessings,
Kahlia
Blessings,
Kahlia
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Karazon
Welcome to SR.....most of us here on SR won't give you advice on what to do with a specific situation. But we will share our own experience, strength and hope.
I understand your mother's heart wants to help your son. My son is also an addict. We are allowing him to feel the consequences of his drug use and it is difficult. He has been living on the streets of a neighboring city for several months now. And yes, it hurts but there's a saying around here.....never deny an addict their pain. Our pain won't make them better. And our love won't make them see reason. Addiction just doesn't work like that. It is a cunning and baffling disease. Most addicts will tell you that they got clean when they were sick and tired of being sick and tired......and not a minute sooner. Your son has been to three rehabs.....he has the tools to get clean and sober if he wants to......he just doesn't have any reason right now to pick up those tools. There is no amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, bribing, crying, complaining, explaining, convincing that I can do to make my son quit. I am powerless over the addict and I accept that. Accepting that was the first step toward regaining my own sanity.
I hope you stick around as well. Learn. Read. Post. Vent. Ask questions. And I hope that you consider going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings (I go to both). When we start working the program that we wish the addict in our life would work, we find answers.
gentle hugs from another Mom
ke
Welcome to SR.....most of us here on SR won't give you advice on what to do with a specific situation. But we will share our own experience, strength and hope.
I understand your mother's heart wants to help your son. My son is also an addict. We are allowing him to feel the consequences of his drug use and it is difficult. He has been living on the streets of a neighboring city for several months now. And yes, it hurts but there's a saying around here.....never deny an addict their pain. Our pain won't make them better. And our love won't make them see reason. Addiction just doesn't work like that. It is a cunning and baffling disease. Most addicts will tell you that they got clean when they were sick and tired of being sick and tired......and not a minute sooner. Your son has been to three rehabs.....he has the tools to get clean and sober if he wants to......he just doesn't have any reason right now to pick up those tools. There is no amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, bribing, crying, complaining, explaining, convincing that I can do to make my son quit. I am powerless over the addict and I accept that. Accepting that was the first step toward regaining my own sanity.
I hope you stick around as well. Learn. Read. Post. Vent. Ask questions. And I hope that you consider going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings (I go to both). When we start working the program that we wish the addict in our life would work, we find answers.
gentle hugs from another Mom
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by dollydo 
The only way out appears to be for you to find a job. Finding a job is a full time job, you will have to make that your priorty.
The situation with your fiance is not going to get better, this is a progressive disease, he will get worse, and, may even loose his job, so, it may be time to take action. Waiting for a miracle is not going to resolve anything.
The situation with your fiance is not going to get better, this is a progressive disease, he will get worse, and, may even loose his job, so, it may be time to take action. Waiting for a miracle is not going to resolve anything.
It is a progressive disease.
I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but am glad you found us.
Welcome to SR and know you are among friends.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. What is sad is that I realize that everything you all have said is true. I know what I have to do, but, it is so hard to do. I would give anything for my son to be my son again, and, I guess I'm gona have to let him see and feel the pain. It breaks my heart, but, I have no alternative. I am broke from getting him out of trouble, bribeing him, believing in his lies and letting my heart lead the way. I have to move on, not just for me, but, for him and my grandbaby. Today, I am going to tell him that he can either get serious help, rehab., counciling, AA, 12 step program and anything else I can think of or he will have to move out of the house and away from my grandbaby. In moving out, he will have no support, no money, no connections with the family, and he will just have to find his own way. I realize that I am not talking to my son, I am talking to a drug addict. God, I want my son so bad, my heart is breaking into. I promise you, I am a good Mother, I raised him the right way, I taught him right from wrong, good morals, honesty, work ethics, etc. I have tried so hard, I just don't know what happened... I just don't know where my son is...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to the site. we r glad u r here. i know u have read all the post to you,. read around at all the other post. read the stickys at the main forum. this is not going to get better. u need to make a plan & get away from this man. get your children away. he is only going to get worse. go to socia services or some where to get you some help. go to face to face meetings. your children r drpending on you. prayers for you, keep coming back.
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