OT - Brother's Divorce... What to do?
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
OT - Brother's Divorce... What to do?
This is off topic, but I am battling with what is right and wrong here. SR has been helpful in many aspects, so I thought I might see what some of you all may think of this little dilemma of mine.
My brother and his wife's wedding would hit their six year anniversary coming this November. I first met his wife one year prior to their marriage, so I know her for about a total of seven years. She is my age, and we have become really good friends throughout the years. I had confided in her about my relationship issues in dealing with the chaos of my life living with my AH, as she confided in me with their marital issues and such. We called each other on a nearly daily basis.
They have been struggling toward the last part of their marriage, and pretty recently have separated. She has been living in a different city for a month now. I just received word that they decided to file for a divorce. They are civil in their divorce decision, but is it wrong to still want a connection with her? I love my brother very much and do not wish to hurt him. My parents have decided to not have contact with her, and try to instill their bad feelings toward her onto me. I do not think ill of her or blame her, as my parents seem to, nor do I blame my brother. They just grew apart, I think, and had separate ideas for their future. I try to place myself in my brother's shoes to see how I would like it if he were to be close with my husband if him and I were to divorce. I don't think I like the picture very much, but then again my husband and him are not very close anyway.
I know I should probably just ask my brother how he would feel, but is that something that I should ask him? Is it like a no brainer to go no contact with the spouse of a divorced sibling, or is it acceptable to maintain a friendship?
I never have gone through something like this before; my parents are still together and I only have one brother. My family has always imbedded their believes that “we do not divorce,” and that marriage is for life; come to think of it, maybe that is one of the reasons why I stayed so long in a chaotic relationship myself.
My brother will be the first one to divorce out of the family that I know.
Just a bit of “what to do” type feelings I guess. What do you all think?
My brother and his wife's wedding would hit their six year anniversary coming this November. I first met his wife one year prior to their marriage, so I know her for about a total of seven years. She is my age, and we have become really good friends throughout the years. I had confided in her about my relationship issues in dealing with the chaos of my life living with my AH, as she confided in me with their marital issues and such. We called each other on a nearly daily basis.
They have been struggling toward the last part of their marriage, and pretty recently have separated. She has been living in a different city for a month now. I just received word that they decided to file for a divorce. They are civil in their divorce decision, but is it wrong to still want a connection with her? I love my brother very much and do not wish to hurt him. My parents have decided to not have contact with her, and try to instill their bad feelings toward her onto me. I do not think ill of her or blame her, as my parents seem to, nor do I blame my brother. They just grew apart, I think, and had separate ideas for their future. I try to place myself in my brother's shoes to see how I would like it if he were to be close with my husband if him and I were to divorce. I don't think I like the picture very much, but then again my husband and him are not very close anyway.
I know I should probably just ask my brother how he would feel, but is that something that I should ask him? Is it like a no brainer to go no contact with the spouse of a divorced sibling, or is it acceptable to maintain a friendship?
I never have gone through something like this before; my parents are still together and I only have one brother. My family has always imbedded their believes that “we do not divorce,” and that marriage is for life; come to think of it, maybe that is one of the reasons why I stayed so long in a chaotic relationship myself.
My brother will be the first one to divorce out of the family that I know.Just a bit of “what to do” type feelings I guess. What do you all think?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My brother cheated on his wife and left her and they have since divorced. Like you I had gotten to be very good friends with his wife (she's my D6's godmother) and I still think of her life family.
My brother (who I suspect has a drinking problem) played a good game of saying "I hope everyone will feel free to continue a r/s with ex wife". Then when I did this I was told I was a traitor to the family (not the first time I was told this for going against the unspoken codepedent rules in my sick FOO). Since then he has alienated himself from me and my children (he's D6's godfather) and claims it's bc he never knows if ex wife will be at gatherings. He knows full well that I don't invite her to family gatherings but now bc I "dared" to continue a r/s with her, he punishes me and his nieces by refusing to come to gatherings (bdays, recitals, etc...)
So, my advice might be unpopular with your brother but I'd say that if you have a r/s with her, you have every right to continue it and I'd think that a mature, healthy adult would be able to deal with that.
As an ex/ despite my situation with my AH, I don't currently nor will I ever have an issue if my siblings were to choose to maintain a r/s with him. I don't have to like it but I feel that I have no right to dictate to others who they can and can't associate with.
So, that's my experience.
My brother (who I suspect has a drinking problem) played a good game of saying "I hope everyone will feel free to continue a r/s with ex wife". Then when I did this I was told I was a traitor to the family (not the first time I was told this for going against the unspoken codepedent rules in my sick FOO). Since then he has alienated himself from me and my children (he's D6's godfather) and claims it's bc he never knows if ex wife will be at gatherings. He knows full well that I don't invite her to family gatherings but now bc I "dared" to continue a r/s with her, he punishes me and his nieces by refusing to come to gatherings (bdays, recitals, etc...)
So, my advice might be unpopular with your brother but I'd say that if you have a r/s with her, you have every right to continue it and I'd think that a mature, healthy adult would be able to deal with that.
As an ex/ despite my situation with my AH, I don't currently nor will I ever have an issue if my siblings were to choose to maintain a r/s with him. I don't have to like it but I feel that I have no right to dictate to others who they can and can't associate with.
So, that's my experience.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If you have a friendship with this woman by all means continue it. That is your choice, you are an adult and can choose for yourself. Sorry that your parents choose not to be civil.
As for your brother I wouldn't even mention it to him. It's not like you are betraying him, or backstabbing him. He has to realize that the two of you are close. Just make a pact with yourself not to share info regarding the other person, and you should be fine.
I think you are an exceptional example of how grown up are supposed to act. All my best to you
As for your brother I wouldn't even mention it to him. It's not like you are betraying him, or backstabbing him. He has to realize that the two of you are close. Just make a pact with yourself not to share info regarding the other person, and you should be fine.
I think you are an exceptional example of how grown up are supposed to act. All my best to you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 19
Finally a post I feel I can answer or at least give perspective.
My bro and his wife divorced. I am still friends with my x SIL. My bro and her do not get a long at all. When my aunt and uncle got divorced. wow what a shock that was. My mom stayed friends with her SIL as they were besties for many years. In fact they still do stuff together 10+ years later.
I think you have to go with your gut here. I mean if you are friends with her you should not have to stop being friends with her out of respect to your brother. Some boundries on discussing him maybe but a loss of friendship just in my opinion is not neccassary.
good luck with a hard choice. If you are still struggling just go ahead and ask your brother, however if you ask him and you don't like his answer it might be nawing at you when you are trying to have a good time.
My bro and his wife divorced. I am still friends with my x SIL. My bro and her do not get a long at all. When my aunt and uncle got divorced. wow what a shock that was. My mom stayed friends with her SIL as they were besties for many years. In fact they still do stuff together 10+ years later.
I think you have to go with your gut here. I mean if you are friends with her you should not have to stop being friends with her out of respect to your brother. Some boundries on discussing him maybe but a loss of friendship just in my opinion is not neccassary.
good luck with a hard choice. If you are still struggling just go ahead and ask your brother, however if you ask him and you don't like his answer it might be nawing at you when you are trying to have a good time.
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Thank you all for giving your insight on this. I really was feeling guilty for talking or texting her. Today is her birthday, and I started to feel guilty about posting birthday wishes on her Facebook wall. This makes me feel better. I know we will not be as close, especially considering that we no longer live five minutes apart, but to know that I am not crossing lines is a feeling of relief.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I am thankful for my relationship with my ex-SIL. She goes against her mother's (my ex-MIL) and her brother's (my ex) wishes by continuing her friendship with me. She tells them to just grow up. One day they will and they'll show up to family gatherings without asking whether I'm there or not.
I don't know what I'd do without her! She and I are genuinely close and we are raising our children together. That's what family is all about!
I don't know what I'd do without her! She and I are genuinely close and we are raising our children together. That's what family is all about!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I'm good friends with my first ex BIL and ex SIL as well as good friends with my second set of ex BILs, SILs and MIL. (married twice) Your relationship with your SIL is your business and your business alone.
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