dee80

Hi everyone! I thought I would try to get some advice on here. I'm Danielle, 31, married, 1 year old daughter, and expecting in March. My brother, 23 years old, has been using percocets (sp?) that we know of, since 2007. I found out on Christmas Eve 2008! Long story. Anyway. He went to rehab, started meetings, etc. Over the last few years he has had several relapses. At one point he was actually sober for just about a year, then relapsed! He lies, he steals, etc. He met a girl a little over a year ago. Her father is also in recovery. That is how they met. Her dad is great with my brother. Things were going great. Then she got pregnant! Things were ok. Then my brother had another relapse. The girlfriend told him if it doesn't stop he will not be able to see the baby! He was again doing great. He then relapsed again right before the baby was due to be born. He went away to a rehab this time. Stayed there for a few weeks. Came back looking the best I have seen him in a long time. Baby was born in early August. Girlfriend then gave him some "guiedlines" that he is to follow regarding the baby & stuff. Since she doesn't trust him. It's been about a month now. He's been doing great. Has a jop. Takes care of the baby, etc. Well, I got a call from my mom today. He stole $100 from my younger brother! My mom said he admitted he took it & used just one day! We don't know what to do. My mom doesn't want to tell the girlfriend because she knows she won't let my brother see the baby. We hardly get to see her as it is. But she doesn't want to "cover" for my brother either! He has to suffer some sort of consequence! UGH!!! This is just getting so old! We are so tired of going through this. He is the nicest, sweetest guy in the world! He would do anything for anyone, yet he has the problem!!! When will it ever end??!!!! I don't get it!!!

cc88

Hey there. Welcome. Im in a similar boat.

Same story with my brother. I can totally relate. Cept im the 23 year old and he's the 30 year old. Most recently, he went to a 60 day treatment and came home just in time to hang out with my (now 2 year old) niece. He was sooo crazy about her i figured hed NEVER use again cause he KNEW it would mean he couldnt see her. Surprise surprise, he met a girl, now theyre both addicts. I have nothing to do with him and I am encouraging my parents/brothers and sisters to do the same for all of our sakes.

Im so sorry about your situation. Not telling her would be enabling, no doubt, but im confused. If he is using, YOU and your mom also arent allowed to see the baby?? or your mom is just concerned that he'll be upset about not being able to see his kid?

dollydo

If you tell the girfriend that may give him the burning desire to stick to a recovery program.

By not telling the childs mother, you are putting the child in jeapordy, an addict is in no way responsible enough to care for a child.

Will it ever end, who knows, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not...that's it.

bluebelle

It sounds like you need to do what is best for the baby, since he/she is innocent and depends on those around for all care.

outtolunch

First and foremost, the family knows only a part of the story, any story. It's possible his actual clean time might be measured in hours.

I agree with Cynical, Dolly and Blue. It's all about the child's welfare, which needs to come before anything, including your families desire to see the child.

A few weeks in rehab is detox, not treatment. Treatment only works when someone is highly motivated to do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober. It does not sound like your brother is there, yet.

As for the recent theft. Most people call the Police when robbed. We codependent family members tend not to do so and rationalize it because we don't want to ruin someone's life or a belief that the addict could not survive jail, blah, blah, blah. Just a lot of hooey. Knowing that he can steal from the family without consequences motivates him to steal again and again.

It's up to the family to protect themselves and their assets, especially if there is a thief in the house.

Kindeyes

I asked my AS once why addicts steal from their families....from the people who love them. His reply "Because it is lower risk than stealing from someone they don't know."

By not telling the mother that the child's father has relapsed, is trust is being violated? Would you trust your baby with someone who wasn't honest with you? Or is it one of those things that what someone doesn't know won't hurt them? Your brother has put your family between a rock and a hard place.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Addiction is so hard on families. Your brother and all of your family (particularly that sweet little baby) will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

lonelystar

so sorry to hear your going through this , sending my prayers to you and your family, I used to be shocked at what an addict would do to get what he needs but im learning in their world there is nothing they will not do

Hanna

Hi Dee80. My brother is also an addict, and Christmas Eve 2008 was also the day I learned about his drug use.

What they told me in his first rehab program is that we should just expect him to relapse 3 or more times. In a strange way, every time he has relapsed I felt hope that we were one step closer to some kind of relief. He just entered his 3rd rehab program a few weeks ago, and I'm hopeful that he will recover but have spent years strengthening myself for the worst.

I agree with everyone else about the child being of the utmost importance. It doesn't do him or his child any favors for your family to try and protect him from the consequences of his drug use. Most of us have to learn this the hard way though.

cece1960

Welcome Dee80,
I used to think my son relapsed often. After time I realized that he was simply using. There just wasn't enough clean time to consider his use a relapse...he was a full blown active addict.

I tried many many times to shield my son from the consequences of his using. But it was just a temporary band-aid because eventually all the things I thought would ruin his life happened anyway.

Today his life isn't "ruined", its just different than I had pictured it. For the moment, he's doing better and working on getting his life things back in order. I often wonder if it would have taken this long if I would have minded my own business.

I'm glad you've joined us. There's a lot of strength and understanding to be found on these pages.

(((Hugs))