SoaringSpirits

On Monday, out of the blue, my (separated) AH sends me an email. In it, he casually mentions that he has contacted our real estate agent and has asked her to look for a house for him to buy. I read the email and started to shake and sweat. I called him for clarification. We wound up having a good conversation overall. Basically, my AH said he has no intention of giving up alcohol, seeking recovery, all that. He wants a nice, big house where he can have the kids come visit and he says he is enjoying our time apart. (Me too!)

Me: "OK, I accept that you have made your decision. So let's figure out how to move on separately."
Him: "I need alcohol to help me sleep!"
Me: "You could ask a doctor for prescription sleeping pills to help with that."
Him: "I am opposed to taking DRUGS to function!"
Me: "Well, alcohol is a drug."
Him: "Well, if I quit alcohol then I'll always be a 'recovering alcoholic.'"

QUACK!

So I do the detachment thing, saying "OK, your life is your own decision and you are on your own path. I honor that. I am also on my own path, and I am no longer willing to live with an alcoholic, so we are at an impasse. I guess it's time that we plan to move ahead with legal separation or divorce. We need legal and tax advice to determine the smartest path for us financially, so let's set up appointments with our CPA and find a family law attorney we can go see together for a consult." Saying all this felt like such a relief!

AH was stunned. What does he think I'm going to do? He agreed to have these consults together.

So I scrambled and went to see a divorce attorney for a 1.5 hour consult yesterday, on my own, and my AH does not know. I needed to be smart; I have not worked in 14 years, my AH makes big money. The consult was sobering. Our estate is large and complex. We own a lucrative corporation. Splitting our estate would be a lose-lose for both of us financially, basically.

The attorney told me we should do everything in our power to keep our heads on, work amicably together, and stay married but live apart. That if we hand this over to the courts we will both lose so much. She advised me to sit with with AH, lay out everything, and try to come up with something we can both live with. No legal separation (here in CA it's harder than divorce) or divorce.

Those of you who are separated but not pursuing divorce/legal sep for similar reasons, I'm wondering how this has gone for you? AH and I generally deal with the nuts and bolts of our finances really well together, even during our separation this past few months, but I'm worried that having to stay married to him on paper and continue to manage our financial affairs together will greatly impact my ability to disentangle from him emotionally, physically and spiritually. How do I continue detaching if I stay married and we have to deal with business and estate matters in perpetuity?

mefirst

Wow, I am so sorry that you are ready to move forward but that it would be such a problem finacially. I am also finacially bound but in the oppisit way. We are over our head in our mortgage and the bills are piling up.

I hope that someone here has had a simalar experence so that you can find a solution on moving forward and disentangle yourself from his life.

LaTeeDa

I've never heard of a divorce that is a win-win. It's always a lose-lose, for everyone except the attorneys, that is.

That said, I would get a second opinion. I would also sit down and decide for myself what I need, and how much I'm willing to sacrifice to get it. There are more important things in life than money, IMO.

Oh, and I considered legal separation in CA, also. Financially, it's pretty much exactly the same as divorce. Biggest difference is, you can't remarry. And, if you ever want a divorce, you have to go through it all (courts, etc.) again.

Good luck in sorting out your options. Just remember, you get to decide what's best for you. Not your AH, not an attorney, YOU!

L

suki44883

I agree with LaTeeDa. Will your lifestyle change after divorce? Yes, it will, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. An amicable divorce is always best, and if you can each be fair, you should both come out on the other side okay. You may have to live in a smaller house, drive an older car or give up membership in a country club, but are those things more important than your serenity and peace of mind?

I agree that you should sit down and decide what is most important to you and what you are willing to give up to have that. You can't put a dollar figure on your own well being and happiness.

NYCDoglvr

Congratulations on dealing with these painful things as a sober adult. Just take it one day at a time and get a lawyer with a lot of "wins" in the past. We often surprise ourselves to find we're stronger than we ever imagined. And, be grateful your husband spelled it out clearly so you can plan your life and move on.

Pelican

I chose to live with less and opted for a divorce instead of seperation. (not in california)

My reason: to protect myself and my children from any legal/financial fallout of a still drinking alcoholic. If my ex, got arrested for DUI = major expenses. And worse, if he injured someone while DUI = lawsuit.

BeProactive

Hi, I had posted something similar. Check out this thread, especially Seeking Wisdom's reply..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-divorce.html

Good Luck with your decisions and the steps that you would need to take, going forward..

BeProactive

And yes, I am going forward with the divorce..

Jazzman

Wow.. you need a pool boy for the house you keep?

Sorry, the set up was too good to pass on. I know, poor taste to make jokes at a time like this. Anyway, I say try it and see what happens. My first wife and I actually got along much better after we split and managed to effectively co parent our kids very successfully. Now my second wife, the alcoholic.... that would have been very different I imagine. We had no kids or businesses together. It was a clean break after the lawyers were done cashing their checks.

nodaybut2day

I consulted three different lawyers, hired the fourth one, fired her and then hired a fifth, before I settled on a lawyer. I strongly suggest you get a second and third opinion.

LTD is right; you may very well have to change your lifestyle BUT you will be free from your AH both physically and legally. Also, by staying married but living separate, you won't have legal grounds to ask for such things as spousal support, child support or supervised visitation. Do you want your children going to visit this man, in his big old house, while he's blotto? Is he able to care for them when he is intoxicated? Will they be safe?

food for thought...

wanttobehealthy

It really does suck that the cost of freedom is financial chaos. I totally get that. I guess it's a matter of choosing which chaos you want. On the other hand, if your H is capable of being sane and living apart but still staying married (he sound a lot more functional and sane than mine for ex and I have realized this week that the living apart without a divorce option won't work for us) you certainly could give that a shot and see how it goes. If it doesn't work then you take the next step.

marie1960

Oh SoaringSpirits, I agree with what everybody has said. You do have alot of legal matters to resolve.


Definitely consult with a few more attorneys. Often when we agree to certain arrangements, in hopes of keeping a comfortable standard of living, we end up shooting ourself in the foot.

Protect you and your kids first.......... All my best to you......

Carol Star

I downsized some after my divorce. Being totally divorced is far better than being tathered for me. My place, my car, my $, my business, live 45 minutes away, been there, done that.......glad to be done. So I don't have a pool. I joined a bigger pool. And in my humble opinion for H, pills or booze or pot or methadone or whatever for an addict is just "changing seats on the Titanic....."They will abuse anything. I have never heard a lawyer talk like that.

dollydo

I would get a second opinion, wouldn't accept the first advice.

Fandy

IDK whether you have children, but you can transfer a lot of assets into trust for them? just a thought. my divorce agreement made my Xhusband responsible for my daughter's education until she was finished with school, (including grad school).

Cyranoak

Your lawyer was looking at it from a business perspective, and it sounds like he/she was trying to advise you on what's best for you. That said, is it best for you. I don't need you to answer me, but ask yourself this: what would happen if you did divorce. Do you really have to dissolve the corporation? Really? I find it hard to beleive that, if you and your husband don't fight about it, that you can't divorce without ruinging the company.

People do it all the time.

Find another attorney, tell the attorney your goals, and get some different advice. I think the attorney you consulted lacks the ability to understand what has to happen for you, and I think what she/he told you is ********.

Cyranoak

catlovermi

I can't help but wonder if this attorney is familiar with addiction/alcoholism. Since it is progressive, it seems the risks due to active addiction are to be weighed against the benefits of keeping the marriage intact for financial reasons.

And the risks of active addiction are pretty high - if your husband were to be sued due to an accident while under the influence, especially if he were to injure someone or kill them, the lawsuit would go after all the assets - none would be protected as they would be if you were divorced and the assets assigned to you are free and clear of his risks.

It just sounds to me like an attorney who is not factoring this into the equation.

CLMI

dollydo

If it is a corporation, I do not understand why anything has to be divided up, the corporation can continue married or not and officers paid as a normal course of business. I am not following the attornies lodgic.

marie1960

I am certain corporation laws vary from state to state. But one of reasons I formed a corporation is; in the event of a lawsuit they cannot come after my personal assets.
So one needs to be careful what they list as a business asset and expense..... kind of a double edge sword.

I like Fandy's suggestion, set up a trust for the kids.

SoaringSpirits

Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate it! BeProactive, thanks for the link, and Jazzman, we don't have a pool! But I appreciate your humor I DO have an opening for a stable hand, though. Are you good at mucking stalls?

The advice to get a variety of legal opinions is very helpful. I will do that. My AH and I are going to see an attorney next week together so that we can get a better idea of the best way to proceed.

My kids' #1 worry has been having to leave the home they have grown up in, so that is a huge factor as I move ahead.